And another year just went passed, it felt significant yet insignificant. Fleeting yet Lasting. There were changes yet it felt like nothing had changed. It's such a strange year indeed. A year of contradictions. Its like a step forward but yet there is a step back. Haha but just maybe the step forward is a few centimetres more than the step back, so nett is still a step forward.
It has been quite some time since I have the opportunity or a time window to be huddle up in a random coffee shop at Millenia Walk typing this post out with a large cup of flat white at my side. Ever since the pandemic, I don't believe I ever had time out doing this. Random thought, I always end up at Millenia Walk when the weather is super wet and cold which it is this New Year 2022 Weekend.
Today I am typing this out on a brand new Acer Spin 713 Chromebook unlike the old Acer Chromebook 11. Changed device but still a chromebook. See what I meant by Changes but yet it felt the same. Well bigger screen and heavier weight , oks so there is still some change. Haha.
The past year I had left the banking industry, something that I thought I would never do because it has always been an industry that I wanted to make a mark in. Strangely, after 8 years in the industry, I decided to leave it. Frankly, I kinda felt that I have some kind of unfinished business with it and that I want to go back into Private Banking or Wealth Management , not necessarily a Front Office role but definitely not a Back Office role.
Just a few days ago, had a chat with Cat that I felt that by quitting BNP and doing something else, my current self is someone whom I felt will have done a lot better in my old role. It's like a friend of ours had said earlier during a meet up " Sometimes all you need is a breath of fresh air". Here at Citco, a lot of times I had to improvise, adjust and maybe had to step up a bit as compared to BNP where I used to hide behind Kok Whee's back a lot and let him do more of the work while I just do those that I am comfortable with. These days, I do not have such a luxury as I am expected to take care of my own funds and if people are not around, had to cover for them even though I have no clue what is happening with that fund.
Earlier in december, somehow or rather, I end up with being a lot of cover for people and my own funds began to be more troublesome, I ended up working later and hence ended up more anxious, higher blood pressure and start to feel really bad mentally. I was not sure if the workload is normal, or I am just too inefficient or its too much. I just take each day as it is until I don't even want a weekday to come because it's too tiring. Cat also start to feel that I work too late and most of the time it's also me not wanting to let things go.
It was only until the 3rd week of December where the people whom I covered came back and the management pull me out of a huge fund which I was shadowing my counterpart from Philippines, that I felt for the first time in a long while that I was able to breathe. Like a more relaxed rate, without the tightness around my chest kind. It's only then I realised that maybe I was a little burn out and had taken too much on my plate. I shared this with my superiors at the end of december and they recognised that I had indeed taken a lot on my plate considering I only do my funds at mid September onwards.
I don't have any issues with my superiors and generally I felt everyone is oks and good to work with. Of course with a bigger team, there are bound to be a bit of team politics and stuff. But overall, if I need help, people will help so I am appreciative of that. Having said that, until now, I am still having issues trying to understand my boss and trying to work with her. On the flip side, they seem to agree that I had performed to their expectations and I think it's a good thing. After my time at BNP, I realised that I do need some form of appreciation kind like once in a while let me know I am doing oks or well. It kinda helps me to feel valued which I don't seem to get from BNP.
There were a few times during december busy period where I question myself. Like is this job suited for me, is it something I want? If fact I thought should I even be working even. Recently Cat's boss wanted to recommend her to go to New York office or rather overseas posting as it will help with her career. But its a 1 year to a 1.5 year posting so technically with a new job, I don't expect to be able to take No Pay Leave or an overseas transfer to CITCO NY office. The most logical thing to do for me is to quit and don't work for a year or so as I wanted to follow her overseas. And that thought was actually tempting for me. It's like a break that I wanted, like a long long break. Whether I really need it, I do not know. I might just only need a 3 week holiday rather than a year long of not working.
I like the break in routine when I travel, when I plan things around my own intended pace. Do things and see things I never seen and to experience the wide wide world out there. It took a pandemic to make me realise the yearly trips my Mum insisted that we as a Family should always do. Our Fengshui Master had suggested it previously as she says the luck always changes when one goes overseas and come back. But I would like to believe it helps my parents mentally and for us kids to just be exposed to the world. Like, be it a short Malacca trip or a long Europe trip, it is still a change of environment and pace.
Like today, time away from Cat and Marly, listening to J-Pop and typing this post out, helps me to breath better and just empty my brain. It really helps me to calm me down typing all these out. I know that I will have to be home by a certain time but the seconds and minutes before that time, it's up to my own pace. WIthin my own control.
Well, until the waitress just told me they closing in 10 minutes time.