defenses up

Well then...I met up with her. Used quite a bit of adrenaline and nonchalance to so call keep myself in check. I didn't really smile nor was I damn happy like an energizer battery around her. Just mass lame and trolling jokes. Talk a bit about my new work, asked some questions about the other guy. Half way she said that a bit sianz because of whatever they were messaging and that for some reason leading to an argument. I told her...its not my problem, you ownself should go and settle. She seems happy and she is smiling more, and I think in a way she is genuinely happy to be hanging out with me. Which I think its something that I have not felt when we were together. I asked her whether is she happy now, she says its ok. I was like happy means happy, not means not..she just stutter a bit, but I think she is happy...well at least she is content with whatever she has.

To say the truth, I was not in a very friendly nor cold attitude, its just...I don't know...being totally indifferent. She was like real friendly to me, I am just...yeah oks..I'm cool...kind of attitude. Well at least, I don't have to have all those spectres around me again...Sometimes, u just have to face the issue, rather than think of the possible answers .

After that, I left her at the bus stop since he is going to pick her up and besides, I got a bus back home direct. Rather to talk to zhenni as well, since along the way, but she also emo...so I ended up comforting her...decided to work out to rid of the adrenaline.

But its good. I feel that I had faced and acknowledged the fear/emotions within me for a long time le.

Mash-up

Have you ever wondered about Dreams? Your desires? To ever want or to achieve something? Its not those like " Hey I want a Ferrari." kind if thing or a " I want to be a millionaire!", oks not that show as well. However its more of a deeper desire, the calling or something that will make you lose track of time, and you find the meaning in doing so.

What's mine you may ask? To say the truth, I don't really know. I mean yeah ultimately, I want to be free from financial issues, to have a partner, to stay in a condo or smthg. But I feel that for some reason, there is this feeling of being well kinda lost. And I guess that's pretty normal for a lot of people.

Interestingly, I do have a current goal. And I think its partly due to my younger brother taunting at me. Its something about my fitness and figure. So, maybe that's something that I want to work towards.

You know it just kinda hit me that I am not contented, its like I am not contented to be at home, I want to head out. However, when I am out, I am not contented because I have to spend money. I am not contented because I am alone. Especially when these days weekends are really precious. I am not contented because I cannot travel due again to lack of money. I am not contented because I have to work for money, why must I work/slog to earn those pieces of papers. I read in a lot of new age thinkings about being contentment. Its not like contentment, means not striving for more, but rather its to continue to strive but at the same time, now whatever we have is enough.

And then the next logical step is to start comparing between people, and why some can achieve so much? and yet I am no where near that or that I felt pathetic compared. Ah yes...the ever strangle of comparison. As I was telling Joey yesterday night, yeah these friends are people we can look up to. However, we don't have to be like them or follow their path. As I believe that every one have a role to play on this planet, and to really be happy or successful, is to fulfill that role. Some may be just housewives, some a strong career woman, some just a coffee barista and some are teachers. However, due to current circumstances and societal mindsets/brainwashing, we all veer away from our roles. Definitely, we will not know what's our roles, but I think as long as we make decisions and live our life to what we want, then eventually we will know them. Even so, we will have to work hard to believe in it.

Positivity.
 life may be boring, not going well, hurting, suffering, cold, unfair treatment, humiliation, neglected and being unloved. But I realise that if we are able to just turn around, and smile, life became more bearable and then suddenly a beam of light is shown upon your life. Hopes are rekindled. 

Sorry for the super messy post, as now, my mind is also feeling a little messy. I am like a conundrum of emotions, rationality and quotations. For I am not the same Eugene, most knew me from a year ago. I came to understand more of my limitations, weaknesses and at the same time, I feel that I am more true and I hide less from my friends. I began to appreciate a lot of things in life, as well as, I began to understand a little more about relationships and the intricacies that works between two people. And I began to let go,demand and control less of my life.

“It is never too late or too soon. It is when it is supposed to be.” 
― Mitch Albom, The Time Keeper

Hard work, Hard work and more Hard work

Well depression is indeed contagious, just now went out with longyu because she recently ended a seemingly kinda bad relationship with a les and that she felt terrible inside. She reminded me a lot of what I kept telling Sam and others a couple of months back. The period where rationality is still strong, and the belief that whatever you are doing is right. Kept asking me on how to cope, on this and that. I wanted to tell her some stuffs then I stopped because I felt that she will not hear whatever I said, and I do not want to impede her process in letting go. She kept going on and on, so I just listened and give some random remarks. And then it happened.

Adeline messaged me, and asked me when can we meet up so that I can pass her the race pack for this friday Sundown. I mean I knew that I will have to meet up with her but I guess when something you know its going to happen and when a situation is being played out, its kinda 2 different things. And in the end, the dam of emotions just break upon me, I had to seriously steady myself in front of ly, because I don't want to ended up being a maniac. And so, all the anger, resent, indignant and awkwardness came back to me. My heart rate went up, and I can feel the irrational portion of me taking a stronger hold on my decision making capabilities. It really took me some time and persuasion on my part to tell myself to hold back and take deep breaths. When she wanted to change the dates, I felt anger again..I felt that why are you always like that? and a bit of " Is it cuz of him?"...Again, I restrained myself and accepted the change of dates.

This is not an easy process, there is a lot of hard work needed to be done. To wake up and tell yourself to let go. And when things happen, to tell yourself what you had set out to do. When places we were at, her place which I have to go past everyday to work, to tell yourself that its over and that those are in the past and should never exist ever again in the present. However, this route is something I had chosen and that I am responsible for the emotions and thoughts that I have to undergo. As much as I want to just say " screw it and I am going to disappear away from your life" , but I think I hold on to my principles very strongly.When I gave you my word, I will do my utmost best in it. If I promise you something, by hook or by crook, even at the expense of myself, I will do it. That's my belief in life. And that's something I live by in life.

Of Bells,Bridge and a Road

Just an excerpt,an Image that is being formed in my mind so to enclose all my feelings that I have, I don't want to revisit certain things for I felt that I dwelt too long in them already...And I think friends are getting irritated by it.

As I closed my eyes, the bells from the nearby church tolls overhead, the wind caressing my cheeks as she blew ever slowly. The coldness from the stone bridge touches my skin. Places still remind me of you, too many places have we gone together. For now what is left are just emotions, the memories of us is fading. Regrets are also slowly slipping away, what is left now, I know not. Neither do I care for. You will still remain I know, but maybe nothing more than a blot of ink and a couple of words on a paper called " My Life". What installs for the future, you may ask? I have no answer. All I know is that I am here now, where I was led to by events that came my way. 

Taking a deep breath of the Sicilly River, I opened my eyes. I never lament for meeting you, for all the hurt that I went through, I gained a lot back in return as well. Sometimes loving someone, being the ideal kind, will never get you the love you wanted. I do not questioned logic or questioned god anymore. What is there to question? For the heart is not something that is ruled by logic and sense. I am no Saint, neither I am some ultra good guy that people like to make of me. I am just human like everyone else, its just that I feel that some things have to be done in some way for I feel that its for the best. 

As I exhale and looked at the reflection of me in the slow river, time is moving, my environment have changed. I am back out of my comfort zone again, life challenges me once again with a taunt. I wonder whether the person in the river is really me? The me that I wanted to be, the me where I am now, the me that I believed I have to be. The dissatisfaction with life stems from these roots.

Suddenly, a bird swooped down for his meal, and the person became disfigured by the disturbance. Its all an illusion. The person in front is never someone that I had expected or thought of, that someone is there as a result of disturbance and events. And that person will never be there unless I had looked down into the river. Its a matter of choices and inner strength, to hope and finally to believe. Believe in myself, that I will enjoy the image that I see.

Looking up with a smile, and with the rising sun, the bird flying off into the horizon. Its the start of something, and today will be another day where wonderful things will happen. With that, I trudged off the bridge and onto the Road. Whence it will lead me, I do not know. For life is about being a wanderer, and wherein I find my home to settle, I will know it in due time. For now, its off, off on a journey..to where they ask? To wherever I will have to be. 

Pika-Pika

This is really the SURPRISE of the year for my birthday. Like I told many people, I felt that this year my 25th feels like way much better than 21st, maybe because I learn how to appreciate the things in life. And most of my friends are working, so treats are easier?...I seriously never expect Cat to play with make up and took the time to draw this. Really Gan Dong max...though I have to say...the milo accounts I still reject...lol. It was  fun hanging out with Cat, and brought her on a nature tour..haha... The ADB place at Toby's Estate, is pretty awesome, love the ambience and people watching the expats. Give people the feeling that you are not in Singapore. If she really works in HK, really will miss having her for she is great fun on this island. Though I know Ms Cat like to think she is boring, but she is also quite fun in her own ways. So, don't ever think your self as boring!!! Haha...I am still feeling pretty touched by the pikachu...whenever I looked at it, it brings a smile to my face.

On the road to rediscovery

The darkness is not yet totally lifted from my world. However, the light is beginning to filter in. Its really funny sometimes how things turn out. I wonder is it really like what the SECRET says. Its like when one can let go of something, will there be space for another thing to take up its place. 

I have not been sending out resumes for the past 3 weeks. I just go for interviews when I got shortlisted by agents and a friend's referral. I decided to take a total break from everything, from her, from job search and friends that I don't really want to meet up. I just let time flows, I played games, I sleep, I ran, I meditate and I read. I chat with friends, like Cat, always nice to talk to her. I don't communicate with zhenni much because I am afraid that I just want her to fill up the void left by adeline. Similarly, with eva. 

Amazingly, I got a job at BNP Paribas wealth management operations side, but its only for a 6 months contract. So, hopefully, I can build up on that. And yes, finally I am leaving IRAS. Its something that I didn't expect it as well, because it all happen so fast. And to think that interview was something that I never really prepare for, since the agent called me like the day before the interview. This tuesday will be my last day at IRAS, its still feel a little weird. Since its like my home for 4 years already, and I had made many friends along the way. I won't say that I will be back at IRAS in the future, but you never know, will you?

And somehow, I do believe that amazing things happen when we wake up in the morning believing that wonderful things will happen to you. For example, Wednesday I got a offer. Thursday, I signed the contract. Friday, I managed to bump into Yiping for during lunch, and managed to talk to her/catch up with her. Saturday, I am lucky to get an uniqlo shirt on sale. Xian Ming , my buddy in Army turn up for lunch. And for some weird reason, the cashier at Caltex chatted with me. Its not always that people talk to you. So its nice. Today, bumped into Sam and Pat, which was pretty nice as well. 

Throughout this period, I learnt a lot about letting things go as well as being in control all the time. Like I want things to turn out in a certain manner. I am sure those are some of the things that cause my relationship with Adeline to deteriorate in the past. Its only when we broke up, then I was able to be myself and she is able to be more happier around me. However, by then, its already too late. Well, but that's that. Maybe just like my job search, once I do not crave to be with someone will I be able to find someone again. Just like a year ago. 

Time flies, Eras change, Nothing is ever constant. Sir Alex Ferguson, the only Manchester United Manager that I ever known is retiring. I knew he will have to stop one day, but still to not see him at Old Trafford, will take some getting used to. There is a tinge of regret that I can never watch a match at Old Trafford with SAF in the dugout. In my heart, he will forever be the greatest manager in Manchester United. And I can see myself telling my sons and grandsons about him. Haha...

This wednesday going to JB with Cat, can't wait though...sure going to eat some stuffs and maybe do a little crazy things there...ahaha...Feel like just enjoying myself this week before starting work at BNP next monday. 

All that glitters is not gold, not all who wander are lost

Faramir: " Its just the damp of the first spring rain. I do not believe this darkness will endure."

Gandalf: " End? The journey does not end here. Death is just another path ,one that we all must take."

Frodo: " How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on,when in your heart you begin to understand there is no going back."

This darkness will not endure. Just like the many darkness before, we humans are just actors on this stage called life. The sun rises and there is light, the sun sets and there is darkness. After 24 hrs, the sun rises again. With that, darkness will be gone again. Darkness is part of being alive, and that it will passed just like the sun. 

If death is just another journey, then why should we fear the unfortunate events and things that happened in our lives? For if death is just another adventure, won't these events be just like another adventure as well? 

There is no going back. The door is shut. For it is made by the dead. How true that is. The dead lies only in the past. The living has no place in the past. How do we pick up the threads of an old life? the life before everything unfold in the past 12 months? No...there is no going back. I can't be the same person as I was, scars cannot be erased. It will never be erased, rather it will be a reminder for why it happened.  


The above are some quotes from LOTR. It is still a film that governs and give me guidance in life. The 3 paragraphs that u see are actually the reaction to each of the different quotes by the characters. 

Re-discovery

So I finally let her go, I couldn't really take it anymore. I cut off her twitter and instagram, and I told her that I won't be in contact with her anymore. However, I want her to still send me some pics every now and then, and if possible, just some snippets on how she is doing. I said that I may or may not reply. I just want to know she is alright. 

I don't like it, I hate cutting people away from my life. I rather they slowly move away, rather than just take a surgical knife and cut away from me. Its like a flesh of me is being lost. However, this is getting too much. Its like a virus, its eating my life away, I am losing control of my other aspects of life. I broke down a few days back, I couldn't handle it anymore. I was fed up and despair sets in, I cannot see the end of the tunnel anymore, I thought I was more than capable to handle everything. For I thought that I have been through the worst, and I survived it. I was like a man drowning, I was desperate to grab anything that is available to me. When you want to survive, you will do anything. And I mean anything. It dawned on to me, that where is the root of the problem. Its her. Still her. and always her. No matter how much I deny it, No matter how much I used meditation, No matter how much I read about positive articles, she is still there. Yes, Love don't break even. 

Its not a good process, the brain is still trying to feel its way around, over losing a portion of your life. Its like losing a limb where the nerves are still feeling it, but the limb is not there anymore. I said things to zhenni and eva, which I shouldn't have because I wanted them to make up for the loss. Its nothing serious, but I knew what I wanted. I kinda understand why Sam MIA le. 

Similarly, I need to embark on a journey to rediscover myself, I guess all these have made me question a lot of things in my life, and in a way tired of some stuffs as well. Really feel like travelling, but lack of money..although I know thats not a valid reason. If I am born in a Western culture, I might be able to do that. In Asia, this is not really that easy, for one's life is still tied to our family ties, we are accountable to them. At times, I don't really know where I am going, to be honest, I still don't have a single clue. I just know that life is still moving on, time is still ticking. Hence, I don't want to waste too much time, but of course, some things cannot be rushed. 

I hope that I can leave my old self behind. Actually, can't really say I hope bah. I have to. I need to cut off the additional baggage and walk again. 

Rants

Oks this is it. I am sick and tired of getting rejected everytime. Be it my inexperience or due to the way of how I am portraying myself. I am sick and tired of feeling beaten down and out everytime, I am sick and tired of how things are not turning out. Fuck this shit. I am sick and tired of myself not preparing enough, of not making things happen. I am sick and tired of not being competitive enough. If this is how life is going to still treat me, bring it on, I will take everything you throw at me. Fuck, no, I will make sure I rise out of this mess. I am going to throw everything I have and able to do at life, if you are going to throw mountains and rivers in front of me. I am going to climb over and swim through them if I have to. Hell no, am I going to sit down and mopped around and say " the economy is bad", " why i can't get this job", " what have I not done?"...So whatever u have, just bring it on, I fucking dare you.