What meant to be a short one became a long one.

 I believed that I probably had said it before. Having a blog is like a time travel device, it's the only way for our past selves to reach out to the future selves. To show them what had happened and to tell their future selves that you are still pretty much alive and that these are what you had went through before and survived it. 

It has been many years since I last blogged fervently. The last year with like high double digit was in 2013 where it's the year I went through a break up with Adeline. closed off the side of me still hanging on to Zhenni and when I got together with Cat. Mega Year eh. 

It's that kind of year where  I would say it's life changing. I ended up broken and I had to pick the pieces up and piece them back by myself. Reading those old entries, just kind of reminds me how broken I was. Do things I am not proud of and just be this angry, self pitied and victimized spirit because of how my relationship with Adeline went wrong. 

And then I closed off a chapter with Zhenni, it's like to be accountable to a side of myself. Not the proudest thing I have done but at that time I felt it was needed. Then of course, I got together with Cat and now we are married. 

It's interesting that that year was how I went from being a broken spirit, one who had thought that will not be with anyone and then to getting together with Cat and 6 years later we are married. 

It kind of bring back some memories, feelings and the experiences that I had went through, the highs and the lows of my past 2 decades of living on this planet. Made me feel a little more confident, a little more alive and a little of "How the f*** did I survive that ?". Also, it's not like my life is a blank canvas. 

I think the past 3 years of my married life, I guess I have this feeling. Like my life is a blank canvas, I don't really remember much except that because of covid, both of us work from home and me being unhappy at work and also us having quarrels which I thought was normal but now I think it's more of like there was an issue. And then Marly came along so spent time to care for her. Then it was also the work that took up lots of time which can be explained partly that I kept OT because of my inability to let go and also my way of working. Probably that explains why I don't blog so much. Basically it's that I stop doing things that I was accustomed to do or things that I enjoyed. Never thought that blogging is essential so I didn't put in the time to do so. In the end, I guess things snowballed and it just spilled over to all aspects of my life. 

Before I knew it, I was back to being that broken spirit in 2013 and being someone with masks again. As compared to then, I think I am a little wiser now. I know why I react in a certain manner and why when I implode , it's like a meltdown and coupled with Popo passing. Everything just ...I guess you can say it's a perfect storm. 

So when Cat and my family members feel that I should start working or studying, given my character I don't like to be rushed. It is also probably because I knew that I am broken and that I needed to be fixed before I can go on to other things. Maybe I can do it concurrently , I don't know. But I know I need to be back to my usual self or true self. One thing for sure is that I can't really multi task or embark on 2 different projects at a time. 

I need to be working on something then move on to others. At the same time, I need to figure out how to not be broken again but of course, I think it will happen again. It's normal eh ? 

Then I know that my ever time Traveller journal here will come back and remind me of the vivid life that I have and will have in the future. Just so to remind myself that your life is not determined by what is going on now and that just like everything else in life. All shall come to pass and that be it good and bad, time will equalize everything. 

Being an Over-Thinker

Ever since I have taken notice of my own thoughts and the decisions I made since I was 12, I have been a notoriously over-thinker throughout my life. There had been some people who feedback that I tend to overthink a lot of things until it's kinda excessive and there are some people who will say that I am meticulous as I consider a lot of situations and are ready for them. 

I believe that by covering all ground then whatever is thrown up, I will be more than able to handle it as there is a plan for it. Of course, as I grew older then I realize that no one can plan for all situations especially when it comes to dealing with humans at large. So, my favourite way is to take a leaf out of a financial theory which I learnt in University. The Arbitrage Factor Model Theory, where one can allocate a specific risk factor to various situations and leave the rest to be a Epsilon which encompasses the risk that we can't quantify. This help me to focus only on the risks that I can control and leave the rest to fate. Though having said that, I tend to have more than a few situations that play out in my head and so I try to cover and run through various situations. So, yeah over-think. 

Recently, I came to realise that some of my Overthink had been due to issues with Anxiety which stems from me being a HSP. From Young I had always thought that by being able to predict all forms of potential situations will allow me to make the best decision forward, but maybe it's not always the case.

I noted that whenever I made the best decisions ( in hindsight mind you) , are usually when I don't cover all scenarios. I mean I do still think about possible outcomes but I won't go and dwell and try ways to counter every one of them. And, it's usually when I am calm and just serene. You know, it's like when you are comfortable with it. I don't like it when people rush me into making a call or it's due to any other form of pressure. Though I know time is of an essence and I may be over thinking that's why I take so long to decide, so maybe I also need to find a solution to this. 

Whenever I tried to think and cover all grounds, my heart rate races and I became very focus on finding solutions for all the possible outcomes and will just keep going on until I am tired or that I am satisfied that I have done my best already. Even so, I will still have a nagging feel about it and will not be truly rid of the feeling until the scenario have passed. 

Feels like it all boils down to one word. Anxiety.