Merdeka!

Yesterday, the heavens poured,as if the heavens are weeping as well. Citizens wept, kneeled, shouted but resolute, in the pouring rain.

In the comfort of my newly minted executive condominium, I sense that the whole island had stop. This was a Sunday, a day where families hang out and where groceries are bought. None of these had happened, not since 9am in the morning. No traffic was heard, no sounds of kids even the birds seems to be on mourning. At 1230pm, the funeral procession started. The rain poured heavily, my mother exclaimed that the people will definitely retreat into the shelters to step back. In my heart, I kinda mock at her, that today it wont happened, today is not the day that we Singaporeans will backed away from the elements. We will stand resolved and resolute in the rain, even for just a few seconds with the man. And I was right, countless Singaporeans stand strong and upright, offering help to the needy. The students in their ponchos and uniforms soak to their skins, stand and brave the elements. A couple of old men stood upright and tall amidst the torrential rain, oblivious to the fact that the probability of them falling sick have increased. It's as if they found their youth back, salutes given to the man were strong and respectful with am upright back.

As the cortege passed, shouts of "Lee Kuan Yew", "Thank you, Mr Lee" were shouted and renditions of our favourite national day songs were sang. Petals were thrown over the casket, flowers were strewn over the roads and our national flag, the crescent and stars were waved. I noticed that as the strong wind blows, our flag looks magestic as it was held aloft. Traffic stopped on the opposite roads as people got out of the cars and wanted to be part of history.

One consistent images that had struck me the most through out this passing week. Was that of our Pioneer Generation, especially the men, who had saluted to Mr Lee Kuan Yew. I remember telling cat that I felt it's not right to salute because LKY is not from the army and as soldiers we only recognised the state flag, our constitution and the armed forces. However, after these passing week, LKY and his team are Singapore and will always be. In that sense, a salute is appropriate. I have always believe that a man's salute and the way he carry himself including the speeches he give, says a lot of the person character. The salutes I have seen from these old timers were of great substance and were filled with respect for the extraordinary man.

To see Mr Chiam, being allocated a place in the procession was also heart warming. This man would not have held on to Potong Pasir GRC, for so long if he does not have the capabilites as a leader. Though he hardly won any fights or debates with LKY, I could see that he was a gentlemen. I can not say so much of LTK, but let's not be drawn in that direction.

As the cortege made its way to the UCC(university cultural centre), the final stage for Mr Lee have begin. I look outside and saw that most of my neighbours were glued to the screen, watching intently. I sat through for the first 4 eulogies, felt that PM Lee gave one of his finest speeches ever in his political career. Maybe like what my uncle had commented, his chains have finally been free from his dad. I view it as that Singapore have been left to him to shoulder on, to carry forward. I forecast that we are going to see a slightly stronger PM Lee in the next few years.

When the minute of silence was observed, I sat down and closed my eyes. I say my thanks and gratitude to the man, who have gave me a much comfortable starting point in life. When the pledge was said, my self conscious crept in, as I am afraid of losing face in my family. However when the state flag was shown and the national song was sang, I realised how cowardly I was. I stood up and Ernest commented on that. I gave a lame excuse and said that it's the state flag.

I stood in a "ser nang di ri "position (don't know how to write in malay), and stood upright in front of the TV. In my heart, I sang the national anthem.

Once the wreaths were placed and all was done, the last post and all, it's the end of the ceremony.

It marks the end of an era. Our tiny island began to come back to life. And as our pragmatism rang through, life goes on.

This morning, I woke up late and felt a little lost. The same feeling when Ah Gong passed away. I wander around the house, taking in the beauty of my condominium, the blue skies and clouds that floated past, the greenery of the trees around us. I thank LKY for it in my heart, I see his legacy all around us, it's like he never truly left us. I remember I thought to myself that my Ah Gong had never left us too, I have his genes and blood, I am the living embodiment of my grandpa.

As I read the final articles in the papers of him, I look out of the balcony and felt a sense of clarity and a renewed faith in my people.

For this is my home, my uniquely Singapore. If you ask me what sort of freedom I have, I would have shouted "Merdeka". Only this kind of unique freedom, you can find only here and no where else.

To Mr Lee, you have once again rallied and United a nation. You did so on 8th August 1965, you had done so again on 23rd March 2015.

Sir, we will keep defending and believing in this country for which you had believed in so strongly. MAJULAH SINGAPURA!

Farewell, Sir.

The Flow of the River

Rivers.

We all know what rivers are, right? If you do not, please look up on Wikipedia. Now, rivers are like water snakes when being viewed from the top. The long meandering water passageways along vast green lands. The boatman will be on his craft, navigating the currents and the curves of this slithering waterway. Time to time, the river will pan out into various passage ways as well, the boatman will then have to make a choice of whichever way is suitable for him.

Like the river, our lives are more or less similar as well. We are the boatman navigating our lives along the river. There will be turns here and there, there will be strong currents that we have to deal with and the nasty obstacles that are thrown in as well.

So, if I am going to super-imposed my current situation to the above. I am pretty much like along a river or a bend. However, I am not really at a junction yet. But I am unease for I had thought there should be a turn somewhere around where I am now. I kept leaning against the shore, trying to keep an eye out for that small bend, small stream that my craft can enter. I kept fighting the currents that comes with staying too near the shore and the river is strongly moving forwards. I am currently tired, and yesterday, I had thoughts of just letting go of the oars and just let the river flows, wherever she will take me. My plans were wrong, I can't find the turn or junction. I just want to lie in my craft and give my life away to the river, whence she will bring me to, to my demise or paradise.

Similarly, I am waiting and trying to force my way out of the current situation in my life. I set schedules, knowing that I am never good at following them. I decide to wake up at 5 to 5.30 every morning, which is good, but adhered to it too much. I am not happy that I am not losing enough weight. It's very much like the boatman rowing close to the shore, looking for that turn.

I battle demons, big or small, within myself everyday , willing me to do this or that and keep questioning me why things aren't happening for me. Similarly, like the boatman, I am battling the hidden currents.

Recently, a voice came out in my head and I was reminded of the struggles I had during my search for a bank job back in 2013. I remembered about self help books that I read, "The Secret", "Now".

Like the boatman, I was expecting a turn, but obviously there ain't any. Hence, I spend so much energy fighting the currents that I am exhausted. I became bitter. There is so much energy and focus spent on finding the turn that I kinda forget that there may not be any until further downstream.

I am not a peace.

A good boatman will know how to use the current, and knows that there are many turns along the long meandering river that will eventually bring us to our destination. As long as due diligence is put it, coupled with a dash of hope.

Everyday, I pressure myself unnecessarily over things like, I need to study now, work out now, no time, need to be home, need to sleep, need to wake up at 5,need to buy groceries. Eventually, I am out of sync with what I want n what I need. I have always trust my gut feeling, my inner compass. And my gut feeling have been telling me that something is wrong for some time already, but I refuse to believe it. For fear that I may slack off, give up or just plain lazy. There is no focus, just plain grinding. That explains why I couldn't really last long at maple story.

I guess I should let my craft follows the current. As I steer my craft towards the centre and not fussing about the hidden turns along the shore. When I told myself to let go of the pressure, I feel more at ease with myself. I am not giving up finding that turn, it's just that I am not so obsessed with it anymore. The thing about rivers and life is that one will never know how it spans. For all we know, I will be presented with a clear junction and that's where a choice have to be made.

To be a Singaporean

There are always incidents/events in one's life, where things happen and that it reshapes the course of someone's life.

2002) I had suicidal thoughts.
2006) Met Samantha
2007) 3 months of BMT
2008) As a CBRD pioneer in 39th
2009) Customer service role in IRAS
2011) Ah Gong Passing
2013) Broke up with Adeline / Got together with Cat
2015) Lee Kuan Yew Passing

The above are the events that had shaped my life greatly. Of course there were smaller stuff along the way.

Unlike my esteemed friend, Samantha, I never got the chance to meet Mr Lee in person. Or maybe I was too young to be bothered even if I did. I always remembered my mum was a huge fan of him. She would snap up his books except the recent "hard truths" and that she always sings his praises.

So I read the book(hard truths) and came out impressed by the man. However, I do not feel anything except a "hey sir, u are cool". As time goes by, LKY became more of a character in history books to me. Maybe because he is no longer that active in politics and Goh Chok Tong was my era's PM.

Everywhere I hear adulations and praises about Singapore and LKY, wherever I travelled. Again, to me, I am like.. Oh it's nothing.. Your country is a lot better.

I still do respect the man, nonetheless. I always thought and felt that as long as Singapore politics remain stable and the party don't screw up the place, I am fine. Worse come to worse, I will migrate lo.

Now, yesterday, I got the news from cat about LKY passing. I felt the same despair and uncertainty of the future. It's the same feeling when Ah Gong passed away. We are on our own now. Once my parents generation, too faded into the night, we will be the stalwarts.

Now the nation last heckles have been unchained. The old guard are no more, nothing and no one will come from the past and say do this do that. Though it will be incredibly cool, if in some form LKY spring from the dead if Singapore is screwed up. I am just joking.

I felt an immense loss and uncertainty in me. More impactful then my Ah Gong Passing on me. Maybe because my Ah Gong represent a childhood and the fact that we do not communicate a lot. Like a heart to heart kind. So I can't truly say I know my Ah Gong. I remember I cried a few nights as I thought that now it has happened. Time is moving.

So, like any human, I try to salvage what ever information of the dead. To try to remember, to keep memories of him. I read countless articles of LKY, I read the tributes, I read the pasts, I watched videos of him giving speeches and I cried.
It's not really so much about loyalty to this country or not, like cat puts it. It's more of a realisation, a sense of gratitude for this man. This very man for his tenacity, his determination, his intellect that brought us to this day. I suddenly felt that I am extremely lucky, I am lucky I can read, I can have a lighted house at night, I can be wired to the internet and etc. All these is attributed to the Old Guard.

Never have I reacted so strongly to my country's history. Never have I ever fully emphasise with the racial riots and all like now. In the past, to me, they were the forgotten past. Yesterday, I could feel the emotions of the events. The energy of the people stem from one man.

For the first time in my life, and in the deepest pits of my soul.

"I am not a Chinese, I am a Singaporean"

There is a pride in me that swells up. In the end, in my case, no amount of propaganda and media could make me fully feel like a Singaporean. The national identity that LKY had so strongly fought for us to have. A country whose people with no common attributes to each other. In the end, his passing makes me feel special that as Singaporeans. My friends and I, we all have the same traits. All cut from the same cloth of that man. An unyielding tenacity, the will to survive, the ability to adapt and most importantly, to be a pragmatic idealist.

Softies

https://berthahenson.wordpress.com

Just read this article during a short 5 min break at work today. Processing trades is a rather thankless and mind strapping stuff.

So, to address the big elephant in the room, Mr Lee Kuan Yew is in ICU, fighting for whatever life he has now. But, I am sure that death won't ever have an easy time in calling him over. For all we know, when he leaves, he will go over and own the netherworld. Such is his tenacity and stubbornness.

I shared an article by Bertha Henson, a former editor at the Straits Times. It's sort of a way of a tribute for this great man, the leader of our founding fathers. We all know that death will soon claim this man, this man who no doubt command respect from both supporters and detractors alike.

The Internet is filled with Mr Lee's tributes and articles, such is the situation now. While reading this article, I like a quote written by Bertha but nonetheless from her father.

" But the people had bright eyes. Sharp eyes. They weren’t beaten down or down cast."

Bright and Sharp eyes. I don't see that in a lot of people around me. Even I feel that I don't have that in me. We talk a lot of quarter life crisis, of our ideals, of the government(in a negative way), Mid life crisis and the way of life in singapore.

Maybe we have really become a soft generation.

At the same time, Bertha paid her tributes to Mr Lee, and as I look around in the food court. My female colleagues, as was their wont, do not like the place due to a smell. Without that guy, I don't think we will have such a place and air con and food. We could be squeezing in some small shop house or eat around a tree with potential insects as an add on.

Alright. Time to toughen up.

Life.. Yet again

I have always been touching a lot of Life. Well ever since, the day I started my blog actually. I am never one to openly post details of my thoughts and Life online. However, I will have to say, that it’s been quite therapeutic over the years. The obstacles I have to face and all.
Now, there have been many articles and blog posts by me on the subject, which is none other, than Life. I guess from a young age, I take every setback, every decision, and every obstacle and linked it back to life. I guess it’s a lot easier to put them and blame down on life, rather than blame the situation at hand.
On Life, everyone’s life is different. You may believe in destiny or in your own hands. I like to read articles on stories on how some people managed to do extraordinary things with their life. For example, earlier on, I read an article about a Japanese Soy Sauce maker made a comeback since the torrid days of the March Tsunami in 2011. How he managed to salvage whatever he had and continue to build back the business. I always applaud such herculean effort and the strong will to believe in the business.
I, however, seems to be unable to translate that perseverance into my life. There have been a lot of times, where either I had falter off, or just decided otherwise. I find it quite frustrated at myself at times. Is it that I really have no interest in the things that I need to persevere? Or is it the case like what Master Lynn had said, that I am a naturally a lazy person due to the huge amount of Earth in me.
I really don’t like this feeling of frustration, I don’t like to give up, and it sucks. Big Time.