Restarting as a Minimalist

Recently, I feel like I am pretty much like a paper floating with the wind. A lifeless, yet seem to be full of life object. An object that follows the wind(surroundings) direction, if the wind is super strong, the paper will bend and fold and unfold itself. Seems to be so full of life, yet at the same time, it seems that the paper has no will of its own.

I remember a phrase that says " In order to learn something, we have to unlearn things that we were taught". This phrase is not a phrase that is fully correct, well nothing is absolute in this world, ain't ? If it is, then naturally everything will happen as according to what it should be. However, we all live in our very own assumed worlds. We would expect certain things to be there, be it family members, loved ones, friends and even right down to our home. Lately, there has been a lot of things that  I had expected, its not wrong, in fact sometimes it is right. However, I always question myself whether the expectations that I expected is due to a result of false expectations. Due to the events that I had passed through in life, the ups and downs of my 23 years in earth, I had a certain mindset and a subconscious way to how I would react in my life. Maybe its because I had been too afraid, afraid of the future, afraid that eventually I would end up like some of my uncles.

There had been many a times when I feel scared/frustrated/angry/irritated/self-pity for myself. I think back of the past, what kind of person I am, the kind I am now, yes there had been many changes. There were good and bad. On reflection, I feel that I have more bad habits as compared to the past. Yes, there are things such as being able to bounce back quicker after a bad fall, being more open to people, etc. However for every good thing, I think there is an increase of bad habits. I realise that I became more and more drifted away from my aims and I am beginning to feel like an aimless wanderer. I became very reliant on people, I wallow in self pity yet at the same time, I am in denial. I am no longer the person where I can forgive nor understand another's situation anymore, I feel that I am getting more petty. I care a lot more about myself and want to protect myself more. Looking back at the words I wrote, I said I was more open..but on hindsight, maybe I had became more closed as now I am always trying to avoid getting myself hurt. I feel that I had always expect a certain person in my life to be always there when I needed someone, but I guess thats pure selfishness on my part. Yes, that person had always been there, helped me, but I think there is no such thing as forever or rather every time. It may be in the past, but it definitely wont be in the future or the present. I guess I just got to let it go.

Maybe I had given up all hope in things that I had believed so so strongly in the past. Even right now, I am still blaming others in my mind. I want to blame everyone else except myself. I want to blame people who had not given me the due respect sometimes, blame people for not reciprocating when I had gave my all, blame the gods for not letting me what I want, though I feel that I had sacrificed a lot. Blame people for not supporting me, etc etc.

Life has just gotten too much complicated for me already. And its has nothing to do with the world, its just myself. Myself that had made the world's actions look like they were out to harm me. Actions that is always negative. And thats why I am going back to my roots. The period where I went back to the basics, to the time where I require minimal things.

I think there may be some things that I cant fully let go, as I am just way too afraid of what may happen. But, I will try.And for certain things or rather most things, I am going to forget it all, to unlearn it, so that I can try to start on a clean slate. Just like me changing my blogskin, if you realise, its pretty minimalist in nature. I am going to smile from now on, and this time it wont be just on my face. It will be from my heart and that I meant it. It has been far too long since I had the calming and peaceful feeling in my heart.

I am going to try to feel again, I guess I had not use my true feelings and my gut feeling for a period of time. I am not going to be afraid anymore, I will set things right.

Words dont mean anything, words are very easy to say. Actions are worth way much more.

Pure Rants

DTTM DTTM DTTM DTTM

expectations. expectations. the bane of my life.

hmm after taking a quick nap of abt 4 hrs, regarding the previous post, I might have been too "xin zhong xia zai"...as wad jy said, dont expect so much from her. again I am expecting a lot...i dont really get it why i am always expecting so much from a particular person, or lets put it specifically, from ppl I always have a liking to. i need to change.

Actly i was rather pissed off at first but nw after reading sam's blog, i became a little more worried so I think that kinda offsets things. Anws, so most probably the nervousness i felt during work was rather accurate. I had a thought during work whether I was right in bringing J along to the event. but in the end, we still go ahead.I dont knw whether its the appropriate thing to do, but I placed my hand over her shoulder while taking a photo and was shot back with a " what are you doing?"... I mean thts oks....but towards the end, when she said tht jianyang was a bit anti-social. I ask why? she said tht she always tries to sit between both of us bt jy would always want to sit beside me. I didnt ans tht. Because jy knew that i am still kinda interested in her and thts why he did tht. However, I dont knw whether I have the right to be angry...because it just feel totally wrong. Cuz its like if someone brings u to the event, I mean is there even a need to try to get close with another person? though you knew this guy is a close friend of mine? do one even need to keep trying to sit beside him? I just feel that its like she dont even put me into consideration...so you can just happily socialise and where am I?...I hate these kind of feelings where at one moment I am angry, and the next moment, you start questioning urself whether am i suppose to just let it pass and that its normal...Seriously.

I always knew she is damn insensitive, but to this extent? or maybe i am just too sensitive...I dont knw lah. Its always feel like I am always giving and being accommodating but in the end? I am always getting hurt, getting upset, getting in conflicts with myself. I mean nt just this occasion, but my life in general, I just don't understand why...is it because I always seem to be an OK zai? is it because I am suppose to be impervious to any insensitivity? or like maybe like wad jy previously said, I always put others before myself too much? why?...

Life ah life, I hope that you will treat me kinder from nw on, I dont knw when I will just break and end up as someone that will not take and bother abt other's opinions in the future, a person that is always feeling skeptical abt interpersonal r/s, a person that given up hope on people and r/s. Is this all karma? or bad fs? or wad?...I just dont knw..is it because I am weak and such things should be taken in my stride. So I got to be a sponge again?i am sorry to said i got a finite capacity to such insensitivities in recent times, and sometimes I really cant stomach it. haiz and somehw its always her that dealt out such tough strikes on me=/

actually wanted to blog abt something but..apparently I am having a mental block...thinking of quite a couple of stuff, dunno where to begin...and wad to do...lol...so nw just post this for fun lor...