Baring Ourselves

Yesterday after work, went for a Korean BBQ with Tracy and JianYang. Was kinda a bit of a dull session with tracy already eaten her fill and jy also ate quite a bit. And found out that the reason why Tracy ignore our group chat for a week or so. Just realised that it was Ben's fault of trolling her too much. And she was pissed off. I checked with her to see how she was, and she asked me what's the probability that anyone of us pissed her off, I was like....NAhhh...pretty impossible..ROFL. How wrong I was. But, sometimes we do troll her too much. But oh wells, let bygones be bygones bah. haha

So after the dinner, we went and just roam around, bought bubble tea and ended up having our first HTHT with Tracy. Which is by far...pretty difficult to begin with...lol..Maybe because both JY and me are very easily able to express ourselves whereas Tracy is the more not so deep kind? So a lot of stuff that we discussed, she never really thought of it in depth.

To get the ball rolling, both JY and me decided to say about each of us. JY started saying off by that how focus I am as a person, and he felt pressurised and stress sometimes with me around. I was pretty shocked to hear the truth, I mean I know we both are pretty different, but I didn't expect my willingness to fight for things is at times pressuring him in a way. For some reason though, when he said I was focus as an individual, my initial reaction was that I am not so much like in the past anymore. And then the next feeling came up, was that of " Yeah. Thats me, I am always fighting , I hate to be stagnant". I thought back throughout my years. I wasn't much of a fighter until I met Samantha and in the Army. I was basically a floater. However, in Army, especially BMT, when I am away from the comforts of life and subjected to humiliation by the Specs, 6 days in the Jungle and the spooky happenings, something just changed in my mind. And then when in 39th SCE, given PS harsh trainings, almost everyday was just to survive. Nothing else, pure survival. And either you survive or you fall and in the end, risk singled out by your superiors.

Ever since then, I hate losing to circumstances. I know there will always be better,faster competitors out there and I don't mind losing. Even if its Pride at stake, I am not that kind of person. However, I do feel that I will be absolutely damned if I bow out without giving a fight due to circumstances or if I can still make something work out. If I gave everything, and yet I still KO, so be it, then I KO with no regrets.

Second thing that JY said was that I always seem to be afraid of being lonely. And that I am always craving for company. In a way, he is very true. I am a somewhat insecure person, someone that always want friends to be around. I am afraid of being alone. I don't like to be without friends, without companionship...I like games when friends are actively playing together. Hence, I don't like those solo games. And that's something that I realise something myself as well. I am afraid of being alone in this world, when friends are all married and have family commitments and I don't have anyone around me. Maybe that's the thing I missed most from being with Adeline, not that she is with me, but the fact that there is still someone there though she dont give me the feeling of that. Maybe thats also the same reason why I can't stand the idea of being alone. I am not at peace with myself, expecting myself to be at a certain place in life, but currently I am not.

I think thats something I need to work out more often. To watch what my thoughts are, and to rediscover the fighter in me.

Haze-ppenings

As time flies, it has already been a month since I last started work at BNP, time really flies very fast. I always wondered whether is it due to the job scope or is it once started work, time really flies super fast. If its the later, I can assure you, its pretty darn scary. However I think the current thing that is on everyone's mind is the HAZE issue that is around Singapore right now. It has been quite some time since I last saw a clear blue sky, it was only yesterday at Saturday then the skies are clear and the air is much better. Today was also a better day though there seems to be some remnants of particles in the air still.

 These days, weekends are just for me to go out and just do whatever I want. Like yesterday, went with Ben, I just somehow ended up at the new shopping centre at Jurong East called JEM. Then went to Jcube for dinner, and people watch the ice skaters. Seems that its quite nice as well, Today, went out for brunch with Zhenni. Got car, really damn shuang. Can go to many places, and when one is really bored, still can just drive around and explore uncharted areas. Of course, the only thing is that I don't pay for petrol. Which is a huge turn off, once I begin to earn and upkeep my own car. Fuel efficiency will be terribly important.

I think for the past few weeks, I was rather sticky to Joey because, I think I thought that we both got common topics and we msg each other pretty often. So definitely, there were thoughts that ..hmm maybe I should chase her? ..After some time, I realise that ..hey...do you want to end up all over again, where either u get rejected or when u get together just because u were that nice and in the end, another adeline all over again.

I also in a way, decided to not bother much about Zhenni, as like I always said, on paper, I really cannot find anyone else like her whom fits so easily in my life and that we share so many common interests in life. However, obviously she don't have a thing for me, and I am not really into her for me to try to create something and besides, when I dropped some hints, her reaction was like out of this world...so yeap. I read from somewhere that rather than say " How will I find the right someone?" , instead we should ask " How to be the right person for that someone?"

And I am a strong believer of the "More you desired something until it becomes desperate, the further it will get away from you". These days, its more of about my career and where should I move towards to , rather than anything else. I am still undecided on retaking CFA for I am not sure whether should I stick to my initial dream of being an analyst, or maybe I should just get a well paid or decent job and just purely investments and all.

But, I think time will give me an answer , or rather the universe will. And when the time comes for me to make a stand, to decide, I will have know what to do. Life is pretty short...so take everyday as it comes and live it up to its fullest potential.

Happiness and Contentment

After months of being stuck in a rut, I have not rid of all the shackles. I feel that I am moving forward, though its still really pretty small steps. There will be days where I will still blamed others for the loneliness and the fact that life feels pretty routine. Days where I feel that why things don't always turn out the way I want. However, there are days, where I can still smile and tell the world that all of us are where we have to be at any given point of time. Days where I am contented being wherever I am at, being at home. These days, I don't really want to stay at home for I feel that I am easily emotionally stirred at home and that I want to be out doing things that make me feel that my weekends are fully utilised. Mum always says I go out so much more these days after I found this more stable job. Which is true to some extent, maybe because I do not want to feel alone.

These days, every morning, especially the first 2 weeks of work, I always message people during morning so that I won't feel bored on the train ride to work. I wonder whether its my way of feeling that I have people around me. I don't used to be like this, after Adeline, I suddenly in need of attention and my friends around me. Its not a really good thing I guess, but I am working away from it. I am trying to be comfortable around myself and only myself. Maybe I am putting too much pressure on myself again so to..well..live a life that is pretty zai, to be up there...to be this or that. To have this or that, to have someone etc etc.

I guess I have to learn on how to let go of certain things and yet find something or a belief, to live my life. Maybe the answer I had always known it...its just whether I want to face it or not.

I am never one for what society tells me, I do things that I feel I should. If I had gotten a job just so to have a job, then I would have already took the Maybank dealer job a couple of months back. I still feel strongly for job satisfaction and the feeling that a job is not stagnant. Ytd, LY and Kel were like saying that a job is still a job, its just a means of earning money so to survive in this world. However, deep down, I feel that life shouldn't be like that. Work is going to take up a lot of time in one's life, assuming we live till 100, and we start work from 25 only to retire at 62. Which gives us about 37 years. Lets take into factor sleep, on average we will sleep away 33% of our lives. So out of our remaining working hours, we will be working for about a whooping 55% of it. And I believe that for one to excel, to feel some sense of accomplishment, one have to be able identify and like the job that one does. That's my personal belief.

Sundown 2013

Hmm....it didn't turn out as bad as I thought, it was a good night out together. Though its also a little hurtful to my pride cuz she is able to run faster than me, and I seem to be pulling her back. And not bringing handphones to the run, we were able to have really quality time together, it at times feels like just we 2 and thats enough. After the run, chilled at MBS there and massaged her leg for her because of some sprained vein issue which had been long overdue.  Had breakfast together and I was terribly tired, she helped me cut my hotcakes and separate out the food for me. Something that had never happened before. I drove her to try to catch the sun rise, and there is this long stretch of road at changi there, we sang to some 90s song and she slept as well for some time. And I was driving slowly so as not to wake her up...oh how nice if whatever had happened in the past was just only a dream. However, we all knw its not. Anyways, I know that things have changed and its not like the same anymore, but maybe, what else install for us is something that is better than the past. And I think thats a good thought to look forward to.