How interesting things have turned out in a lot of ways. I realise that to let go of some aspects of control in my life, and I am rewarded with so many different and awesome moments in my life. Thats how I got this job at BNP, when after 15 interviews I got it, even the conversion was a surprise as I had not really hope for it. I meet new kinds of people, like wx and luck at work...and the crazy ah lian gang at work as well. The nice girl-next-door, Xue Juan and the exposure to working life in a bank and the consequences of a small negligence would lead to a potential 3.5 Million HKD loss by a client. I ended up running more than what I had intended to.
I would never expect myself to tell Zhenni the whole truth, as its something that I had originally wanted to keep it till the end of my days, for I had thought that it will be too much for her. However, in the end, I said it out not in the hope for anything, but for the fact of acceptance and the closure to my past self. I realise that closure is very important in quite a lot of things. In actual fact, I feel lucky that I am able to have my closures in life, I am sure many others , even at the end of their days, there is still some lingering regrets and open issues. I become more and more comfortable being alone, at home on myself. I thought of a plan that I had to follow, for the next 2 years or so. I am feeling much more at peace with myself.
Initially, when I bought the USS annual pass, I only thought will be with Lao Er. Who knows that I managed to drag Tracy along and as well as that Cat would also buy it. Speaking of Cat, I cannot stress enough how much fun it is to be around her...well oks maybe its cuz I am like super hyper around her. Well, I guess for some people in this world, I can be like that...I am usually the reserved kind with most of my friends, though this year, I seem to be breaking out more often. Cat is someone who is pretty focus on what she wants I guess, though I feel that she has a lot of complexes in her. So, everytime, out with her, just want her to let go of some inhibitions and enjoy the moments. A lot of people missed out on the moments for numerous reasons, but what makes memories are exactly these moments. And maybe thats why I love travelling, I love being in the moment of an unknown place, knowing that I can take numerous photos of the area, feel the different climate, the culture and the food. Of course, I also learnt some things from her, like her zest and focus...always need some people like that in my life, to spur me on towards greater heights. I used to always see her as a xiao mei mei in the past, like a younger sister that I want to take care and guide along the way, sometimes I forgot that she is the eldest..haha. But, this year feels that she had grown quite a bit and I see her as more of an equal these days ..haha..just someone to have fun with and someone that I want to let her know that life is really not that bad, so smile and laugh and be a bit crazy. Its not where you are that determines your life, Its how you feel that determines your life. She always says that she is dull and boring and live pretty much a dead life. However, I don't see her in that sense, she has her own kind of humour, her charms which I felt that she should be more confident of, and a seriousness that has my respect as well.
This year, I had sat BattleStar Galatica which is a roller-coaster ride, my sister knows me that I don't seat such rides in my life. The previous time are when she dared me, I mean when Tracy dragged me to sit, though I was a little apprehensive but I still just went along and took the rides. And, its pretty exhilarating, its like I let go of being in control, I let the need of control to be up to the system, to God or fate or whatsoever. I still do want control and the ability of freedom to do anything with my time. But there are a lot of things that there is no point trying to control, maybe what we really need to control is not the events but our emotions/reactions to the events instead. And I guess thats somewhat Christianity is pretty good at, to lay man sins on Jesus, is to let certain things go.
There will always be things to be thankful in our everyday life, when we learn to be more thankful, I guess life will flow easier.
Saturday, August 10, 2013
Tuesday, August 06, 2013
Enough is enough...
Well I think after 5 years, I think I finally gotten the courage to say what I had been hiding for all these while. Maybe its really the dwindling of feelings or it might be the fact that I am getting older and in a way, getting fed up about being silent and just carry on being the nice guy while still hoping for things to happen.
But, I guess I am more of wanting to be accountable to that portion of myself, the side where I am still like Zhenni. The portion where will always make me to some irrational agreements as well as the fact that I am always helping her out and all. I just want her to know that all these happens its not because I am an ultra good friend or something. There is always another reason why I am doing all these, so I just want her to know that. Thats all. Anws, I told her I think I already used up my 3 tries already, she is the only person that have to confess in a way 3 times in my life. So, from today onwards, I will see her in another light, I don't really need to put up any image or sorts anymore.
And with that, I finally laid to rest, this ever long lasting half ass liking someone. Or rather its finally the closure of something that I have never solved for the past 5 years. I have always brushed it aside due to lack of courage, timings or self denial. Its a very long standing issue, hopefully, my soul will be more appeased.
No doubt, I think this will have some impact on the friendship, but I believe this is the right thing to do. This is the only girl that after so long, I still haven't really close it, maybe because I still hope for something. However, this year has shown me enough instances otherwise and I think after Adeline, I am sick and tired of giving and giving and not being recognised nor having some reciprocation. I know that people like to say, giving is a form of loving. However, I think both me and Samantha realise that its not really the case. Its extremely tiring for one to keep giving and yet still being subjected to hurt and insensitivities
Its pretty ironic or rather coincidental that both Samantha and me, had a kinda a new start in a friendship in both of our lives. We both did something that I guess we should have done many years ago, and not leave it till now, where we decided thats enough is enough. So, its nice to have Samantha around me and on the phone. Nice to have someone to share a moment like this with. And such moments, are never premeditated before hand.
We have somewhat similar problems that happened at the same time. However, I think hers is more serious. But, I think that's the way for her to take. Well then, here's to both our new chapter in life.
But, I guess I am more of wanting to be accountable to that portion of myself, the side where I am still like Zhenni. The portion where will always make me to some irrational agreements as well as the fact that I am always helping her out and all. I just want her to know that all these happens its not because I am an ultra good friend or something. There is always another reason why I am doing all these, so I just want her to know that. Thats all. Anws, I told her I think I already used up my 3 tries already, she is the only person that have to confess in a way 3 times in my life. So, from today onwards, I will see her in another light, I don't really need to put up any image or sorts anymore.
And with that, I finally laid to rest, this ever long lasting half ass liking someone. Or rather its finally the closure of something that I have never solved for the past 5 years. I have always brushed it aside due to lack of courage, timings or self denial. Its a very long standing issue, hopefully, my soul will be more appeased.
No doubt, I think this will have some impact on the friendship, but I believe this is the right thing to do. This is the only girl that after so long, I still haven't really close it, maybe because I still hope for something. However, this year has shown me enough instances otherwise and I think after Adeline, I am sick and tired of giving and giving and not being recognised nor having some reciprocation. I know that people like to say, giving is a form of loving. However, I think both me and Samantha realise that its not really the case. Its extremely tiring for one to keep giving and yet still being subjected to hurt and insensitivities
Its pretty ironic or rather coincidental that both Samantha and me, had a kinda a new start in a friendship in both of our lives. We both did something that I guess we should have done many years ago, and not leave it till now, where we decided thats enough is enough. So, its nice to have Samantha around me and on the phone. Nice to have someone to share a moment like this with. And such moments, are never premeditated before hand.
We have somewhat similar problems that happened at the same time. However, I think hers is more serious. But, I think that's the way for her to take. Well then, here's to both our new chapter in life.
Sunday, August 04, 2013
Emo Peeps
Recently, Samuel( one of my army friends) just broke up with a girl that he really likes, and in a way, love for the first time. I am not going to comment about his past, where he have multiple girlfriends at one time. Basically they are all open relationships, which means he told them that he can be dating other girls at the same time as well. And they are cool with that. So, in a way, its not that bad...but still from my opinion, its still a bit wrong.
Listening to his whines and rants, than his emo outbursts every now and then in our group chat. I can't help but feel sympathetic towards him. For I totally understand what he is going through. Being a taurus, he like me, when we like someone, truly love someone, its like we give our life and soul away. So totally can feel him.
I only know his side of the story, I don't know the girl's side. But, I feel that his stubbornness got the better of him, he couldn't let go of some issues. Dragged this issue too long, and eventually it lead to a path of no return.
Today also hear about LY stories, seems like an emo day/night for people sia. I can totally or rather macro see each of them the problems, the confusion, the hatred, the indignity, the preconceived ideas and the assumptions of the situation.
I think at every end, there are so many questions. So many questions that need answering. Some turn to the heavens and asked the gods. Some turned to friends and alcohol to numb the pain. Similarity is that they want answers, they want a closure given to them. However, at the very end, closure is only given by yourself. They want to have that love, they cannot understand why when things seem to fit, yet at the same time its also ill-fitting. And trust me, neither do I know. Adeline used to tell me things, I can never understand why we couldn't work out. Everyday, I asked myself the why. Over and over again, never once did I ever stop thinking about it.
Eventually, I feel that there is no point in asking why anymore. I rather just classified it as an unanswered question. I prefer to believe that even if a lot of things seems fit and all, but one factor is wrong, den things will still never work out. As long as every possible controllable factor has been done, then its enough. Relationships is always about 2 persons, and there is no correct way or wrong way of handling it. There is so many possible permutations how the other person will react, and how I will react. In the end, its only how much they want to make it work. It should never ever be one sided.
Listening to his whines and rants, than his emo outbursts every now and then in our group chat. I can't help but feel sympathetic towards him. For I totally understand what he is going through. Being a taurus, he like me, when we like someone, truly love someone, its like we give our life and soul away. So totally can feel him.
I only know his side of the story, I don't know the girl's side. But, I feel that his stubbornness got the better of him, he couldn't let go of some issues. Dragged this issue too long, and eventually it lead to a path of no return.
Today also hear about LY stories, seems like an emo day/night for people sia. I can totally or rather macro see each of them the problems, the confusion, the hatred, the indignity, the preconceived ideas and the assumptions of the situation.
I think at every end, there are so many questions. So many questions that need answering. Some turn to the heavens and asked the gods. Some turned to friends and alcohol to numb the pain. Similarity is that they want answers, they want a closure given to them. However, at the very end, closure is only given by yourself. They want to have that love, they cannot understand why when things seem to fit, yet at the same time its also ill-fitting. And trust me, neither do I know. Adeline used to tell me things, I can never understand why we couldn't work out. Everyday, I asked myself the why. Over and over again, never once did I ever stop thinking about it.
Eventually, I feel that there is no point in asking why anymore. I rather just classified it as an unanswered question. I prefer to believe that even if a lot of things seems fit and all, but one factor is wrong, den things will still never work out. As long as every possible controllable factor has been done, then its enough. Relationships is always about 2 persons, and there is no correct way or wrong way of handling it. There is so many possible permutations how the other person will react, and how I will react. In the end, its only how much they want to make it work. It should never ever be one sided.
The battle that looms ahead
Hmm...just some updates here again. I think the significant thing was my conversion from contract to perm recently. And some mistake I made on thursday which I hoped won't cause any problems to the conversion. But, with this conversion, I think I came out with a rather relentless plan in my opinion, I have to complete my CFA by 2015. I know its a bit crazy...but I think once I chose this route, of conversion, I really cannot stay too long in Ops any longer. So, I guess I will have to do the crazy, to pass my CFA by Dec 1st again.
Need to prep myself both mentally and all, shall have to restart mugging. I am quite comfortable with the current life now, provided my Job, I don't do huge mistakes and get myself fired. Other than that, life is pretty comfy. Weekends go for food and drinks, weekdays watch shows and go for runs. Time really flies, but its this kind of time, that in the long run it scares me. For its such time, where time flows stealthily behind, where in the past, such time can be easily noticed. But now, its so unnoticeable. And before you know it, you look back and asked yourself, what have I been doing the past few years?
I am beginning to find out more about myself, to be more comfortable in my own skin, to be a little crazy at times, to be YOLO but at the same time, to keep the analytical part of myself. I wasn't really that crappy in the past, but I was like really crappy until during the trip with cat.
There are so many insights that were shown to me during the trip. And at work, I realise that if one can click and have chats on whatsapp, it doesn't mean that in reality, 2 can be close as well. I also see what sort of people I can click with, what sort of girls I will like and love to hang around more often.
Need to prep myself both mentally and all, shall have to restart mugging. I am quite comfortable with the current life now, provided my Job, I don't do huge mistakes and get myself fired. Other than that, life is pretty comfy. Weekends go for food and drinks, weekdays watch shows and go for runs. Time really flies, but its this kind of time, that in the long run it scares me. For its such time, where time flows stealthily behind, where in the past, such time can be easily noticed. But now, its so unnoticeable. And before you know it, you look back and asked yourself, what have I been doing the past few years?
I am beginning to find out more about myself, to be more comfortable in my own skin, to be a little crazy at times, to be YOLO but at the same time, to keep the analytical part of myself. I wasn't really that crappy in the past, but I was like really crappy until during the trip with cat.
There are so many insights that were shown to me during the trip. And at work, I realise that if one can click and have chats on whatsapp, it doesn't mean that in reality, 2 can be close as well. I also see what sort of people I can click with, what sort of girls I will like and love to hang around more often.
Friday, August 02, 2013
Random 2D1N trip up north
Last weekend, went on a random 2D1N trip to Malacca with Cat. Quite interesting and fun, I got a feeling she is going to kill me anytime with me making fun and suan-ing her 24/7. And me being a nuisance when I drank quite a lot and get a little high...lol...but its fun doing stupid things...saw a different side of malacca while travelling on foot, unlike last time whenever my dad drives. Get to see and experience a different side of Cat. Eventually, I think I spend the most..like on clothes and stuff...haha..Too bad she first day tired, if not, there will be more crazy shots le...oh wells...there is still a Sentosa Outing coming up...hahaha...
Waiting for the ever slow cat at golden mile.... Cat trying to act cute...LOL
Off we go!!!!
My Gundam Wing anime to watch on the journey.
First thing is to have "fishes " in my stomach first
This is freakin cheap!!! only RM15...u guys can do the maths=P
One thing to have in Malaysia....A&W Root Beer Float!!!!!
Dont know what on earth am I climbing a ladder for@.@
Now is that a hallucination or not...creepy...
From inside St Paul's Church
This serves like the most awesome Milk Crepe ever!!
The Original flavour...which is like damn milky and have layers...I like!!
Original and Double Choc....Both equally awesome!!
Jonker Street
Globalisation...what on earth is a taiwan food here in malaysia???
Assam Laksa!!
This is one of the highlights, awesome salmon in a street environment...doesn't get any unique than this.
My family fav. Cockles!!! hehe
Quail Eggs...though from this shot it doesn't look like it the STINGRAY!!! Enough Said
Finally get to eat some Nyonya food...quite random stop...otah so-so nia...but the Chendol was not bad ...least the Gula Melaka not that sweet...I like it..haha
Intro a nice and light beer to Cat
My beloved Whisky on the rocks
Stupid Cam whore moments....things ppl do when they are high from Carlsberg Special Brew.
Cat thought that I want to take a photo of her...and she gamely posed..proud of ya*claps*
The initial idea of taking this pic w/o the person..haha.. A stroke of photography gene in me is awaken
Our favourite spot eating Milk crepes ...on top of a fire extinguisher
Chicken rice in Melaka...another local delicacy.
Trying out BlackBall dessert in Malaysia...SG also have..not bad actually
Looks like she is cam-whoring...but..actually its me who press the trigger...MUAHAHA
Ah...a proper photo this time round
As usual, long bus ride have an automatic "switch" in her head to go into hibernation mode
Going back to Singapore le....time flies damn fast as usual
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