Purpose

Was reading the book titled " Life Without Limits" by Nick Vujicic. There was a chapter about Nick riding the waves even though he has no limbs and that he kept trying without ever giving up. Finally, he managed to catch not 1 but many subsequent waves. Anything is possible.

Now a couple of days after my CFA, I am still feeling a little lost and that I crave for that feeling of working for something. The feeling of sacrificing things for that purpose, even though I have no clue whether it is worth the sacrifice. Will I be able to make it if I sacrifice ? Am I sacrificing just for my ego ? Should I give up now ?

All these thoughts bombard me while I was studying and I learnt how to forget these emotional thoughts and bring myself back to the present. Which was to finish this chapter practice. Just finish it. Very soon, I was slowly consumed by the paper, my purpose was for the paper. Everyday, I wake up, my purpose was to study and practice so that I can pass. That's basically my entire week schedule when I took leave to study. My life is for that purpose.

I guess looking back now , it does sounds extreme but I know that I had done amazing things and overcame things in my life because I was all in. I do not believe I have any special innate talent, I only know hard work and throughout my life, whenever, I meet with tough times or situations, is down to my perseverance and hard work that got me thorough. I remember that I had to go thru 15 interviews and put myself in difficult situations. It probably was not that many to some and I am sure out there, there were people who went more. To me, I was despondent after my 13th interview and it kind of hit me whether I am meant for the financial industry. I could have taken a sales based job but that's not what I wanted then. I still recalled that night, I was rejected again and also during that time I was trying to handle my emotions because of Adeline. I broke down in front of Buddha and I prayed. I prayed that I will get passed this and I felt a strange yet strong feeling of rebellion in me. I am not going to be beaten down like this, I must get into a bank no matter what. I will send more resumes, I will keep trying.

Just like CFA, I have my down moments. No one will know the mental fights that I have to go thru everyday, probably because I have a very active emotional mind that I am constantly fighting especially when i am very prone to be lazy or just slacking and daydream. When it all ended, I felt lost yet I felt good as well, its over, I have no regrets. And now I crave for the time that when I had a purpose.

A purpose is truly what drives one person to do things, regardless the methods, all in to achieve that.

Aftermath of a Battle

I came tottering out of the battlegrounds. Eyes blurry from the constant battering of the debris of war. Initially, I had thought we had an upper hand at the beginning half of the battle. But the enemy came back stronger in the second half. There were some damage done at the beginning of the second half and some were cause of ill preparation. I secretly hope that none of the damage was cause of complacency or silly mistakes ...good lives were lost for some battles. But it is over. I think I came out feeling that I had left everything out there and there is none for me to give le. Until the dust have settled and the damage counted , will I know my fate.

I was pretty much in the zone, even now , after leaving the battlefield, I begin to wonder what had  happened. It's like I lived pretty much for this battle and now I am readjusting back to civilian life.

It's a battle I had fought twice and this time I think I manage to come out and say that I have no regrets. I don't have a particular exuberant joyful feeling nor a defeated feeling. I felt pretty Zen and am also surprised to be like that. In any case, this is the final one . In a way, my mugetsu.

I am glad I gave pretty much my all for this battle. Finally, after 4 years and 2 tries, I can be accountable to myself that I leave the battlefield knowing that I have left everything out there.

Understanding myself-Part 1

Earlier in the day, GK got back to me about his cash contribution was rejected by the CPF to his SA account and commented that he will prefer to leave it in the SRS instead. As a result, I decided to search online for more details and found some articles that were on one of the more influential financial blogger “Investment Moats”.
As I was reading the articles, I started to get real excited about the different building blocks of the “wealth machines” model that he was espousing. It gets me excited to read up more and start building up my own model and having it work on its own. Recently, I had been trying to be more mindful and trying to find my way in life, trying to better understand what I like and what I don't like.
It seems that I am excited about building things or processes. For example, I could spend time trying to fine tune an excel spreadsheet and troubleshooting and trying to make it better. It always gives me a huge satisfaction to see things that I had built to be working fine and effectively. I also realize that I like to organized stuffs, like pack my room, like to know where I can find things and stuffs, track my possessions. Basically, having control over my life.
I guess that is probably why previously when I attended the UX design talk, I felt really connected to it. It is definitely more a designing kind of role as compared to a technical kind, but I felt that I can reconcile with the idea of providing a more complete user experience (i.e. processes) for people. In a way, you can say that I like to solve problems. Whether it is a process kind of problem or a genuine problem (provided I know and have the tools to do so).
For some time, I had thought that I am more of an inquisitive person, just wanting to know how things work. However, for some reason, I cannot safely say that's entirely the case. There are times that I went all the way to understand things but there are some times, I just basically give up at some point. Now, I figure maybe the reason for the difference is due to the whether the information is able to help me solve the problem or whether the information is just for me to know why a certain thing work in a certain way.  For example, I knew of the tool “Pivot Table” in excel and I always wanted to learn how it works and all like way before I started work. However, I never gotten round to learning about it until recently when I need to dissect a bunch of data for work purposes. Not saying that I am a pro at it now, but least I started somewhere.
I had initially wanted to be a research person, you know like those equity analyst and things like that. Then I found out my passion for research ends at the point where statistics are at play, which I am not good at. However, I do like to keep digging up info and establishing an opinion on it and to have a system in place before a trade. Again it will not be like a random thing where I just suddenly want to research on it, it is most probably when a friend or closed ones who require the information. Only then will I go and do it.
I realize I also like to advise people, but I do not like to force sell things to people. And most probably why I like to advise people is because it could solve their problems. Sales sometimes mean that you have to force sell to people just to meet your KPI, not exactly my kind of role.

So here is the summary.
• I like to build and create processes.
• I like to solve problems provided I have the tools and means to do so.
• Most of my motivations are helping people to solve problems, things that only affect me and seeing thru a project.
• I like to have an opinion on things and be organized about it.
• I like to have a certain degree of control of my life.

Let's GO

I think my emotions come and go; that’s why some people always say I’m like a female. My character seems to sometimes be positive and at times be downright negative. Today am the only one at work, Kok Whee is on leave for the next 2 days and I guess in some ways I feel isolated. Then there were 2 incidents in the morning that stood out. One was luckily that Diana was still able to fund it because I kind of missed out passing the funding details to her. Secondly, was a document that needed to be vet and Magdalene got back saying that she wants an agreement between IFA and us to agree that IFA will handle such documents and say wait for Kok Whee to come back and search. Kind of give me the fact that she do not trust me and need Kok Whee to get the agreement. Of course, as I type this, I felt that I might be thinking just too much. Then, the IFA team that requests the document says has to be done by Monday and that’s when Kok Whee is back.
So under such a backdrop, I don't know why suddenly felt very downcast and gloomy. I can feel the negativity creeping below my heart, as my heart feels a little heavy. Oks, lets solve this.
I recognize that I am feeling downcast, I know the reasons why I am feeling this or in a way, where the negativity is feeding from. I got to be more in the present. Take mindful breaths. I am still alive, the cool air that I breathe in and the warm air that I breathe out.
Lets go.

First post of 2017

It has already been a month and 15 days since the start of 2017. Chinese New Year and Valentine’s Day has already passed and this is my first post for the year 2017. I think this year so far has been kind of a “next phase in life” year. Watching Scandal on YouTube, I just realized that a good decade has passed and the School uniform guitar jamming girls have evolved into young fashionistas. Not to mention, they have gotten more attractive!
I have been thinking what my first post of the year would be. And seriously, right till to this point, I still cannot think of a particular topic to start the year with. I had tons of ideas and feelings and memories that kind of floating around my mind. All of them shouting “Pick me! Pick me!” seriously like a bunch of ladies attending the Ellen’s show.
Scrolling down Instagram, I start to see some couples celebrating Valentine’s Day with their kids and some couples celebrating their successful proposals. Holding Victoria in my hands last December also kind of like “Whoa…this is Sam’s kid”. Totally surreal kind of feeling.
Do I miss the young times? I recently commented on 22 years old as younglings. Crap I am f**** old. In any case, I did spend some time thinking back and I think some memories are loosening their hold on me already and some I can still remember as it was vividly. The emotions attached to my secondary school days are slowly fading; most and even my primary school are now just memories, emotionless memories. Part and parcel if you ask me. Haha.
I no longer have the “Do you regret anything?” faze; maybe I kind of out-grown it.  Or maybe my mindset has changed a little. Might probably because life gotten a little stale. It’s true that one’s growth ties exponentially with tough times.
Someone once commented that as we all grows older, our circles get smaller, and we start to shed the excesses. When in our teens as well as school life, we always have tons of activity going for us. Clubbing, Gaming, Chasing girls and just hanging out, oh and of course mugging.  As soon as we got settled into working life, time suddenly got hyper inflated in value and it begins to be an opportunity cost game for most of us. Leading us to shed our excesses in life and be selective with our social interactions.  It will be further downwards from here once a kid pops up.
Pretty depressing and gloomy right?
Well since 2017 is a year for the dragon, must be more positive! Come on! Hahaha
Yesterday, attended my first introduction to UX design workshop at General Assembly. Pretty cool place, like those tech companies in the states kind of layout. I was rather intrigued and excited about UX design and felt that I can relate a lot to it. However, taking a step back, UX designers are still not considered like hot property in companies yet and I reckon it will take some time to catch on. It’s great to know that local banks have been actively using UX experience to create their products these days. I guess as like all designers, one must have a good portfolio before one can grab a job no matter what your qualifications are.  GK felt that I am more suited to the technical aspect of stuffs though I personally feel that I am not so much with the technicalities. When I created my spreadsheet and macro for settlements team, its true I learn and read up on excel and implement.  However, I need to do a design of the process before able to use the excel formulas to get the results I want. In any case, I am also attending a Data Analytics course on the 27th at GA too, so we shall see how that goes. I am pretty stocked about being able to learn new stuffs for some reason. I am most probably bored.
I am also trying to kick start my CFA mugging sessions again and now am committed to going to office early so to mug for a good 50 minutes before Kok Whee comes in. Seriously, after chatting with Kevin, whom is a hedge fund manager, it seems to me that research analyst in the long run might not be the way to go anymore. As more and more people do their own DD, less needs for research departments. He did recommend me to try to head to Investment Councilors or Services side which we do have in BNP SG. HR told me they usually hire like 8 to 10 years of experience workers, so it's a bit of a challenge for me to enter given where I am now.
That’s partly the reason why I am also exploring the IT industry as well because I believe that my current skillset and even CFAs are not really enough. Besides, I can’t deny that IT is pretty fun and cool and it's the future. Maybe I can get a place somewhere in the FinTech area too.
Time to get the year started! Fighting!!