Finding Passion

Recently I chanced upon an article with regards to the mass publication of articles on why Finding Passion is of importance.

The gist was about that finding passion is a waste of time because its what we already know what we enjoy and what we like to do and the reason we still feel lost is not because we didn't know what our passion is, it is because we chose to reject our passion. Be it not practical, not profitable enough or not justifiable by society, these are some of the reasons why we always feel lost. People have been constantly searching and constantly thinks that passion is somewhere else and we need to find it.

I see that Ernest is also seems to be having the same problems although he is earning more and saving more than me. The thing is that he just started working like 4 months in. The money is good but he is also feeling that his life seems to be unfulfilling. His generous pay and even current games are not enough to fulfill his life.

So it seems that for everyone, it is not so much about passion but it is more about of what allows us to feel fulfilled. I think to feel that life is fulfilling also meant that there are various factors/requirements for each individuals as well. But the endgame is that one has to feel fulfilled, to know that his time and effort is made for something that is worth it.

Interestingly, one way to know what makes one feel fulfilled or ie. know his passion is something that one enjoys doing for so many years. Regardless of age, time and whenever one is so lost in the action that time is actually forgotten.

One thought that came through my mind was my interest in Bags. Like really well made bags that are functional and made with durable materials and a good design knowledge that is user-centric. You know, with the notion of user-centric designs, I had initially though that UX was where my 'Passion' lies. I went through the course but I couldn't even finish and end up moving back to investments related stuffs. So maybe I was not actually interested in UX, to create user centric products for people. It feels like I am more interested in curating products that I determined as good user-centric design for people. In addition, it has to products that I am interested in myself. Like tech, bags and etc. If you ask me to recommend wedding packages or brokers for someone, I am not interested enough to go deep into these products.

Another thought is because in recent times, I began to live my life and made my choices more mindfully. Well in a way, is to have "Just Enough" as I felt that in this world, humans have been consumed by excessive consumerism. I don't mind spending more money for a quality as long as it is really needed and will make the consumer happy and most importantly, to really use it. Far too many people buy things and only realise to use it like once or worse,never. I have always been guilty of such behavior as well. I have a few jackets in my wardrobe just because it is cheap at that point of time, so I bought it without much thought. From a monetary point of view, it's fine because its cheap and affordable. But, from an efficient point of view , it is not efficient as space is being used up. Eventually, it will be retired and thrown maybe due to lack of usage. As long as the clothes do not tear or washed until the color runs, it is still good to use and I am still using them, then they deserve to be in my wardrobe. If I don't even wear them within a year, I will have to reconsider their place in my wardrobe. Usually those that remains and yet hardly used, it could be due to their potential usefulness that's why they remain. As much as I try to be a minimalist, I still like choices so I believe that one just needs to be efficient in their clothes choices. Of course, there are some like steve jobs where they take the choices out of everyday living by always wearing the same color. I prefer to have choices so that for different occasions, I can adjust accordingly. But I don't like to have so many clothes lying around and not being worn , so it's just a waste to me. Hence, I also like dual use items. What is more efficient than products that have dual or multiple usage?

That's why for the past 2 years, I was willing to spend quite a bit of time to research, review and think about these kinds of products and in a way, I have curated and bought various items. I maintained a 4 bags rule. A waterproof, A EDC, A small size bag, A briefcase and A travel bag. As for shoes, I try not to ever exceed 10 pairs or have shoes that are truly essential for my lifestyle. I have a new master laptop and finally a well made chromebook that have enough functions to function as a portable windows laptop. I have a pixel phone. Great vacuum water bottle and a Nalgene. Have enough winter clothes for holiday in cold countries. Probably not enough to survive camping out in the wild at sub-zero though. Have enough bags and good pouches, of course, I can always go out and get highly durable pouches for stuffs but not that necessary as some stuffs are not that important to be kept in such durable bags. Maybe I would need some new ties and change out of some dress shirts which are borderline casual, and have more tailored looking dress pants. Otherwise, my gears and tools for my current lifestyle is will curated and in line with my beliefs. Therefore, in recent times, I also not so deep with all the EDC and the top and durable gears around.

I believe that right now, I should focus on my investment skills and my career portfolio. In addition, my meditation and my inner soul skills. Maybe these will lead me somewhere and find that 'passion' or drive in my life.

Guess things in life start with a small step. Time to proceed with clearing and tidying up my room again.

ただいま

Do you believe that there is always 2 sides to every human being? It exists in so many forms as seen below.

1)Conscious and Subconscious

2)External Self and the True Self

3)Ego and the Soul

4)Rational Mind and the Irrational Self

5)Heart and the Brain

Recently while I was on the way sending Cat back home,I guess was like gossipping about this new girl on how she dont speak and had some errors caused in the equities team. So as I was talking about the incidents and while I was alighting the bus. I suddenly had this feeling that I am ready to leave BNP OPs. Its like akin to  when one is dying and says yes I am ready. Morbid, I know.I have nothing else for me here in BNP already, its like I can see myself leaving the place and no more "pain" remains for me.

Throughout my 5 years here, every year I had always whine,complaint and espouse that I want to go to the Front/Middle and to leave OPs. However, there always seems to be something that hold me back, somewhere inside me that says why not stay? It's easy and the welfare is awesome. And then the reasons that pops up to make me want to leave were like money,ambition and the uselessness of my degree. My friends were all so successful in their earnings and position and what about me ? Seeing RPC getting slowly degrading and eaten up by corporate cutting costs measures. Speaking of cut cost, even with the recent cutting measures, it still felt that I was not ready to leave. This time round after Finland, the first 4 days were torturous and I felt for the first time disgust when I am at work.

After meeting Cat last Friday Night, I suddenly felt at peace, like contentment. No more pulling and back, No more negative feelings towards my job, No more pain. Just acceptance. I suddenly see myself handing my resignation letter, thanking everyone and with a smile,departing from BNP and looking forward to my new job. No pain, No negativity. Just peaceful. Its like my 2 selves have merged and accepted each other again. My both selves are in sync again and we decided that it's time to leave. It had been so so long time since I last felt this peaceful, and it's something that's so treasured.

Of course, Straits Trading have not gotten back to me yet. I hoped that Manish and San San hadn't forgot or decided to not hire me already. But regardless of the outcome, I know that I will still leave this job soon. I have always been someone that have felt and follow his gut feelings and now my gut feeling is telling me that I will be leaving soon. I am grateful for this place, truly am, the tears and the learning opportunities and I will say the people. The people are definitely not the scheming kind( well, there wasn't much to scheme about anyways), so yeah it has a good environment here.

These few years I had always felt that I am not present. It's like I left a part of me somewhere and I am never present. Even when I was with Cat, I feel that a part of my soul is somewhere. Wishing that I am earning more money. Wishing that I was able to change job. Wishing that my future house will be awesome. Wishing that I am more capable. Thinking that life was lousy, life was boring. In Finland, I sent a postcard back to singapore and reminded myself to be present. I noticed that's something that I have been missing these few years.

Truly truly, I felt that my opposite self is back. Its like I open the door and with a smile I hug the other self that I had been missing all these years.

ただいま, Eugene.

Emerging from the Darkness

Finally, let it out.

The previously post was pretty dark eh...I just had to let it out and I felt better about it. Its akin to those scenes in movies where the leads always have to shout at oblivion or the oceans. Just shouting. I think its cathartic to just shout or in this case, just type it out without being bounded by any boundaries unlike in reality. It's like an acknowledgement , the nodding of head to oneself that I am not perfect and that there is really something wrong with me.

Now that I have acknowledge it. So now what ?

Well for a start, I think and I am sure whoever is reading this, will tend to also agree. I need to have a change in my life. To start having the idea of change slowly replace the strands of fear/worry in my soul. To start weaving strands of change into my life's fabric.

First up I will need to change my wake up routine. To incorporate some exercise early in the morning. To maybe learn new things,read or study a bit. Maybe also to meditate. To be grounded and at peace.

Learn to see the day as 3 parts. Morning,Afternoon and Night. Take it that one is starting each day when one wakes up, after lunch and then end of work. In everyday, there are 3 beginnings. Smile at the each beginnings as it is the start of a brand new portion of the day.

Tuesday, I have an interview for a fund administrator. Its not my first choice but it will be a good pay jump plus greater exposure within the mutual funds products. The goal of this interview is to hone my skills and try to get the job.

I know that one day I will make it, I will be in the advisory role that I always wanted.

Eugene Yap
Investment Counsellor
CFA, Bsc Economics & Finance

First post of 2018 and its an emo one

Well hello there! It has been another year and has been super long since I last blog here. Recently, been doing more writing ie using a pen and paper. Traditional I know, but its nice writing with a pen and all.

It have been a crazy year so far but nothing out of the ordinary for me. I would guess that one major change would be that I been meeting cat parents and now even her external family like her aunties and uncle.

In a blink of an eye, 2018 has already approached the 3rd quarter and lets just say that I hadn't been very happy about how the way life have progressed this year. Last year my notable achievement that of me finally passing CFA level . After trying out for 3 years, finally I did it and boy did it feel good. I cleared the monster in my cupboard. This year had been anything but that. I started on various expeditions into UX design and even some investment courses. I didn't finish the UX and didn't really applied my investments in my daily life.

I hate myself seriously at times, I hated myself for not being able to complete what I had set out to do. I hated myself for not being able to be strong and be focus. I hated myself for being afraid, for worrying about things. Worry is not a bad thing to have, its a natural flight mechanism that enable Homo Sapiens to be alive on this while. It become a disease, an ailment once it is excessive. The fear and worry seeps into the every day life, the very sinews of one's thinking and without any indication, it manifests into this image that the person portrays. Eventually, being like a parasite, it takes over the person, the original soul became hidden behind this image. Without being to do anything else, the soul just end up screaming behind the veils that separate reality and subconscious.

I finally got it out of my system. I hated this side of myself. Somehow, I couldn't really write it out but I knew that something had been wrong with me these past few months. This demon inside of me, eating me up from inside and causing me to fall to my knees. Berating the world and my life circumstances for my plight, feeling helpless and losing my confidence that have helped me so much in the past. Started comparing to my other friends and asking myself why I cannot be more like them. Why I am a coward and afraid of this and that ? Why my career is stagnant ? Why am I not progressing in life ?

Fuck this shit. Like seriously. I had it with myself. I do not know when was the last time I was like this. It happened before, I know this feeling. As I am typing this out, I know this feeling. I had a similar situation before. The despair, the normal grind of each day as day in and day out, I take the same bus at the same time and being late. The routine of life that slowly grinds and eat a bit of my soul as the second hand on the clock passes by. One tick of as the clock moves, my soul bleeds one drop at a time.

I need to fight back. I have to win this war. I have to move in life, I have to change as a person . I have to improve, I have to change. Be it my mentality or fitness or whatever shit in life that I am not satisfied about. Fight back the darkness. Fight for the light. Remember the light, remember the calmness and zen that you felt back once the exam ended last year. Reach it again. That same feeling.

"The greatest battle is the battle within"