Am I just asking too much or this is really what I need?

 Yesterday, Cat said that I was visibly much happier when I was at the living room, with my laptop open and just watching about indie stories about Japanese Individuals living in Japan outdoors. I felt that I was not dreading for the 9 am start where I knew I had to dive deep down into my work and trying to keep on to pace with everyone else. I mean don't get me wrong, I don't think the environment is toxic or anything but its more of like being at home does give one the feeling that you are pretty much on your own and trying to figure things out. Citco even had given me a small pay adjustment even though its only been 3 months since I last joined the company. Wasn't expecting that. 

Coupled with that both cat and me had to find time for lunch together amidst seemingly tight work schedules and meetings. Or rather each day, as our work are more flexible these days, I kinda missed the fixed boring schedules of 1 pm lunch time with Leric and Lawrence...I mean its boring but it's a constant. Nowadays, we have Marly in the mix. Yeap. I finally relented and allow Cat to own a puppy, though there goes our honeymoon funds, not say we can travel anytime soon also. Have to see how this VTL and once our borders are open, how are we going to acclimatised to this new normal.

Guess I am digressing a little bit. 2020 has been a year of getting used to marriage life and yet at the same time, being to be lock down on this island with most places being inaccessible as compared to the past. At the same time, working at BNP had started to get change a little with the equity dealers moving in and me not being able to have Kok Whee around for most of the time. Weekends have become more of a monotone affairs, either Gaming, Netflix, Nintendo Switch, YouTube Travel Vlogs and small hikes around the neighbourhood. Just pretty much the same.

Then 2021 arrived, bonus letter came and go, did have my pay raise answered but still felt that it was not what I had hoped for. Ask for promotion, Albert said need to do extra and gave me a project to automate sending emails out to Front Office, which eventually took me 6 months and finally manage to get it done...just before I left. Ended up most of the time staying until 9pm at work, doing ad hoc requests from management yet want me to carry on with BAU, going for meetings where I also had to place orders from Front Office. Juggling so many stuffs while still being only an Analyst, just serve to piss me off even further. So eventually left BNP, joined Citco which I don't really have much of an expectation. I just wanted to leave so that I can carry on moving with my career and not stuck in one place. I don't really have any intention to stay in Citco for long as well but just to see how it goes. New job and a New Family Member. Change of lifestyles. 

It has not been easy because most of the time I am kinda like on my own and felt that I should pick things up as fast as possible because I felt that Jia Ning who is also new and young seems to be doing a good job. Considering I am 1 of the oldest there, I thought I should be doing better and faster. Alas, like any new job, especially when you are working from home, everything slows down because of lags as well as the difficulties in trying to teach someone without being by their side and seeing the screen. I actually felt bad about calling supervisors to ask them to show me how is done and what to do. Ultimately, I ended work frequently around 7.30pm Well its not that bad as much as BNP where I will need 1 hour to come back home which essentially means a late dinner and less time with Cat. Plus now I need to monitor and cater to Marly's needs as well. So it kinda feels like its a lack of control of my time, like you know the truly "me" time. 

I guess maybe all along i don't feel that I had carve out any "Me Time" for myself these past 2 years hence my mood is kinda bad I guess? Its like being free from all the commitments, sometimes even in the mind I will still be bothered about things. 

Back to the first part where cat said that I am visibly happier on the morning when I dont have to work, I guess because it is at my pace, i don't have to rush to do this or that or be worried whether I can finish my work on time. Its like life at my own pace. Do my coffee, seat down and rub Marly and watch the Japanese landscape video. Sometimes I wonder whether am I just asking too much or this is really what I need...

Finally an ending of a Chapter. And the start of a new Chapter.

 Frankly after the day out with GK yesterday, I realise that I have let go a lot of my negative emotions and negative thoughts about BNP and the state of the bank when I left them. I probably suffered a minor burnout as compared to GK who have to resort to seeing a counsellor for help. 

Up till 2020, I would say that my role at Fund Execution had been chill and relax. With most of the difficult and KYC documents, I leave to Kok Whee to handle. And both of us can leave at 6 pm. Of course, I am slightly disturbed about not getting my promotion after the 5th year or so, but I reasoned that I probably gave off a slack vibe and hence management felt that there is no need for me to have it. Granted at the end of 2020, I wanted to an increase in pay and Albert did give it to me even though the environment was not great either due to the pandemic.

Increasingly, deep down I began to feel that I am not getting the recognition, the development and to a certain extent, the remuneration that I deserved. Coupled with the late nights, the increasing workload and the inefficiencies caused by the migration of the support to cheaper countries, it eventually lead me in a downward spiral to burnout and maybe a little depression.

I had thought that it might be a new environment or maybe its a new lifestyle that I had to adjust after marriage that kinda cause some rifts with my Cat. In hindsight, my sub conscious might have already been impacted and that the negative emotions have start to spill over into my daily life. Its ironic to a certain extent that in the past, I had always warn myself to not let my work problems flow back to my daily life. I guess with the increasing WFH and the pandemic lockdowns that happen here and there, my late nights and the fact that I was unable to offload or share my burdens to Kok Whee or my other colleagues lead to me offloading on to Cat. 

I was not happy because I am unable to have the support at work, be it by the back office or by supervisor and the increasing demands of the Front. Being stuck in the middle of the Front and the Back, having to be involved in meetings which management deemed that they need my experience and yet at the same time, they don't want to give the recognition in terms of promotion or pay. I agree that my role was not the most specialised and frankly, it's not difficult to do once one gets up to speed with it and the products knowledge starts to build up. I just cannot get passed the fact that the whole private bank execution is only run by 2 staff and yet it always felt that we are pushed to one side and be expect to be counted without any recognition. Then with no space for further growth , it of course leads me to think what am I truly doing here. Its like a cage being trapped with no way to go. Naturally, when the offer comes from Citco, it makes it so much easier to take it with the higher pay as well. 

It does feel like it was a sinking ship kind of feeling being in Ops during this period of time where we are always fighting fires here and there. Of course, a company as big as BNP will never truly sink. Probably, they will be able to find someone able to come in and fix the holes or at least patch it until the next best candidate take over. Of course, there is a small possibility that the ship may sink and that they will exit Singapore. Frankly, I don't see that as the market here is growing and it will be stupid for them to ignore. 

It was not easy saying the goodbyes with the relationships that I had forged with so many people in the organisation. Not least the relationships I had built with the Front Office and surprisingly, the group of people that I eventually get to enjoy working with. Even with the dealers like Eddie and Ivan whom in the past, I didn't really like to have any dealings with during my time in settlements, somehow it felt like a closure given by the Universe. Due to this pandemic, I was able to be in the same room as Eddie,Ivan and Dave, who couldn't have been nicer and friendly to talk to and have much needed positivity in the room. 

Being in operations most of the time, the general feel is that the Front always demands a lot from the Ops and that we are always getting pushed. Then when I moved to Execution which is kind of Middle-Back, things gets better. So to me, it had felt so hypocritical of people from the Front. However, after spending a greater number of years in Execution and seeing new Front Office join and building new relationships with them, the Front became the group that gave me the recognition and the joy that I am helping people. 

Recently, a MA had shared an article about 6 things that showed why you should leave a role. Turns out that I had hit all 6 pointers of the article. Its really that bad after all. It may be that all these bad stuffs are just happening in my head, but even so, its still a good enough reason for me to quit BNP. Sometimes all one need is just a change of environment to find back myself. 

Mentally this pandemic had enact a toll on all of us , whether its a small impact or a significant one, it also just brings up all the inefficiencies and the problems that we had swept under the rug, Its like a huge wind came and all the dust were push out of the rug under it.

It is kinda sad that I were to leave in such circumstances. From another perspective, it takes all these shit to finally push me out of BNP. Something that I have to take note of when I leave Citco, and to have the courage to go if I really have to. In a way, these shitty experience is also a learning experience for me to take along and ingest. Also for me, to find back myself, to find joy in things that I probably take for granted pre pandemic and to really appreciate the things that I usually find joy in.