A leap of faith

So, the props have been bought. The stage set for this sunday. Its D-day. Only thing that is missing is the strategy on how to attack the questions. I dont know what to made of after yesterday, but I guess instead of thinking too much, there were a lot of positives thats for sure, though there were also a negative...but in a way, its heart warming...I don't know how to say it though. However, this is not the end yet, there is a checkpoint that I have to reach..

Hopefully, I will be allowed to continue the next section of the race, I know not what lies beyond the checkpoint. I guess I have to just continue on focusing on reaching the checkpoint first. But of course, there is a cliff before the upcoming checkpoint. However, right now, I must also navigate the bushes and rocks confidently as well, because you never know when the small things may pull you down.

The cliff approaching will be on sunday, where I will just have to take the leap of faith. I got my equipment with me already but am still clueless on how to use the equipment. The leap of faith, I have never really attempted it before. In the past, I was pushed to the edge, one I was forced to jump due to sadness, other was due to anger...ever since then I have never made it to the cliff again. This time, I volunteered for the jump. I remember the deep chasm of free fall, the coldness of the water as one gets swept down the river of emotions. The never ending topsy turvy of one's life. It was hell, but I guess I will be able to survive the fall this time round by not letting my life turn upside down. However, I doubt I can escape the coldness of the water. But, its a risk I have to take. It has been such a long time I was able to climb back on to the edge of the cliff. Whence I survived or failed, either way its a new beginning to my life.

I can visualise myself at the edge. I can feel the past swirling all over me, the doubts speaking in my ears...But I shall not be daunted. I have already taken along this road, and I shall not waver and falter. Thou shalt not steer me away from the path my feet have undertaken.

Welcome home

Just caught a HK drama where a young doctor ask a senior surgeon why he is not nervous when in the surgeon room? Isn't he worried? Or what if he did something wrong? The senior surgeon who hadn't did a surgery since his ban, replied: " Just that the theatre as your home, would you be nervous at home? As you know all the stuff that is already around you"

This got me thinking about a phrase that Confucius had said before, which I had read somewhere which goes: " The strength of a nation derives from the integrity of the home" And it is pretty true, by cultivating a home where you are meticulous, and make it clean and you are at peace with yourself. Only den you will have a home. So, translate those procedures to other aspects of life and you will see the impact on them as well. Now, of cuz this is difficult to do but easy to say, and I think thats the problem with Confucius teachings...heck..actually its most teachings. Unless you are someone who is able to detached from the world totally and cultivate yourself well enough and be back again. But, this is increasingly difficult to do in the ever smaller world we are living in due to technologies.

So, " Welcome home". I would like to transpose this onto relationships as well, oks I don't really know about others or maybe the reason why I have been failing all this while might be due to me, when going after someone, always treat the person as if she is mine already and that I always dote on her etc etc. And I tend to get jealous,annoyed and of cuz expectations of that someone. Eventually, I feel that I always ended up hurting the most. So that's why though I had gone after quite a couple, but there are only a few which I ever open myself to them. For the current one, I never showed a side of me that I had reserved only for a selected few, so its not like All In, but she has seen a significant amount of the other masks that I possessed. The things that I will do and all sometimes I think might be excessively as well. But anws, the topic is not about why or how come I can never get the girl. Today, I just want to solve my own internal struggles, my home, which in other words is my heart.

There are a couple of times where she don't do something, or maybe she ain't like any normal girls because sometimes things she do and say, don't make sense. Sometimes her actions don't mirror her words, and vice-versa. And her heck care attitude every now and then, but at times, she seems to really care. Its really really very mind boggling and no less roller coaster ride. I tend to believe that everyone have a good character someone in them and they know what they are doing, but maybe I might be naive or whatsoever, so I am hoping that I am right and that I am not just getting played all this while which I highly doubt so, but...you never knw.

Maybe this person that I am interested in as a princess mentality, someone that knows how to receive from others but will have absolutely no idea on how to give. But, I do know that when she really wants to care about that person, she will show it. Unfortunately for me, I was never on the receiving end of it.

People says that wooing her after 4 months ain't long, others tell me that there is no hope, some says you just have to do it already. To put it honestly, I never ever woo someone for this long, I can like someone for 3 years but not woo someone. Sometimes I feel that maybe all along we are not meant to be together, because of our many differences unlike others which I can click very well and really comfortable with each other. However, I have no idea why but I am attracted to her. Of course, attraction can only get you so far, but what counts is the character and all. Yet for every bad things she do indirectly/directly to me, as long as she shows a small concern directly/indirectly, I will be oks again. Lousy returns..haha

Hence, home aka my heart. I have to more meticulous and clean up the untidiness of it. Sort things out, come to a conclusion whether should I just all in, play a slow game or just fold. However, I don't think I will play a slow game...time is of pressing need for me. My CFA is coming up in 2 months. So den, I have to make my decision soon. At the same time, I also need to do some provision for my negative feelings, negativity...the source of evil in my life. I have tried hard to tone it down and suppressed it, but at times it will just erupt. So I will have to be continue to be positive and dream, and be a little realistic about things. Believe in that person , trust in that person. If ever that trust is broken, then least you know more about that someone. Of course it is not so easy, considering you dont really knw that person well enough, and things could always change. But, well just have to believe. Sometimes, thats all you can do, pray,believe that they will come back. If they don't, den we will just have to accept it..and thats life. There will always be other people whom you meet and be able to trust and will build lasting relationships.

She is just Amazing

I wanted to just post a phrase " she is just amazing"...so that i can show to her that " see, even a sam related post can be short"...but i guess she already knew it...it won't be a short one as always. Seriously this girl. No words can I think of to describe her. Just Amazing.

This girl is truly amazing. Amazing to go through whatever had happen to her, and yet still managed to find herself within the darkness. Amazing to just settle in and start a conversation with her best friend's dad. Amazing to bring me up as if I have wings and drag me down as fast as gravity.

Yet, She has the ability to listen, to calm me, to make me laugh and yet can make me feel like the worst thing in this world and then make me feel like I am super special. Haha...seriously, my heart getting old for this le.

If I really did kick her out of my life then, and after hearing whatever now, I don't think I can live with myself for the rest of my life. Seriously, this girl ah..but I'm glad that I held steadfast in my belief and in my promise. It was really close, the thing that really held me on was the promise. Because I said it before that regardless of what the world becomes, what she becomes, I will always be there for her...and thats something I will still honour till the very end.

Sounds like I love this person really a lot right? Truth is. I do. I do love this person a lot. Not that kind of between lovers, neither is it as between friends or family. But the kind of love between 2 human beings , 2 souls who find solace,peace and serenity in each other company. Maybe to a lot of people, this doesn't make any sense, and to tell you the truth, neither do I, but sometimes in life, the most sensible thing ever don't make any sense at all.

In the past, I always ask myself, whether life would be different if we were together? Will it be better? and what does she thinks of me? Have I changed? These days, these questions are in a way redundant. I won't totally say we won't end up together ever, thats too strict an answer but I think it will be a new journey if ever we did. Do I need an evaluation of myself? I will still continue to change, but I am who I am. I don't have to know what others see of me, as long as I stick to my principles and all...who really cares what the world think of me?

Work aint so easy

Been doing some job searching the past few days. I have to say that its pretty damn demoralising. With 2nd uppers and no internship or working experience in that field, is really sucky. Thought can join the management associate programmes, only to realise that its very competitive and hard to get in. Made me realise what do I actually want to do, if I am an analyst, I wont be able to make the calls and they would need qualitative knowledge.

Actually I think feel rather ill equip for the potential interviews and the environments that I might be put into. I guess its because I have been out of action from finance for quite some time and that I am feeling like I knew next to nothing. I don't mind being a dealer though there are sales and all, but need to know the knowledge of equities market in singapore which I hadn't been in touch for quite some time.

Like what Sam says, only have one shot of using my 2nd upper, so if possible, I should get a well placed job so that I can use it as a stepping stone in the future. Or should I get an internship, which currently now most companies are not looking for. Cuz I feel that with an internship, at least it can help me make a more informed decision as well as use it as an additional work experience. Darn, really regret being damn nua