Finally, let it out.
The previously post was pretty dark eh...I just had to let it out and I felt better about it. Its akin to those scenes in movies where the leads always have to shout at oblivion or the oceans. Just shouting. I think its cathartic to just shout or in this case, just type it out without being bounded by any boundaries unlike in reality. It's like an acknowledgement , the nodding of head to oneself that I am not perfect and that there is really something wrong with me.
Now that I have acknowledge it. So now what ?
Well for a start, I think and I am sure whoever is reading this, will tend to also agree. I need to have a change in my life. To start having the idea of change slowly replace the strands of fear/worry in my soul. To start weaving strands of change into my life's fabric.
First up I will need to change my wake up routine. To incorporate some exercise early in the morning. To maybe learn new things,read or study a bit. Maybe also to meditate. To be grounded and at peace.
Learn to see the day as 3 parts. Morning,Afternoon and Night. Take it that one is starting each day when one wakes up, after lunch and then end of work. In everyday, there are 3 beginnings. Smile at the each beginnings as it is the start of a brand new portion of the day.
Tuesday, I have an interview for a fund administrator. Its not my first choice but it will be a good pay jump plus greater exposure within the mutual funds products. The goal of this interview is to hone my skills and try to get the job.
I know that one day I will make it, I will be in the advisory role that I always wanted.
Eugene Yap
Investment Counsellor
CFA, Bsc Economics & Finance
Essentially, thoughts/craps/rants of my life
Sunday, September 02, 2018
First post of 2018 and its an emo one
Well hello there! It has been another year and has been super long since I last blog here. Recently, been doing more writing ie using a pen and paper. Traditional I know, but its nice writing with a pen and all.
It have been a crazy year so far but nothing out of the ordinary for me. I would guess that one major change would be that I been meeting cat parents and now even her external family like her aunties and uncle.
In a blink of an eye, 2018 has already approached the 3rd quarter and lets just say that I hadn't been very happy about how the way life have progressed this year. Last year my notable achievement that of me finally passing CFA level . After trying out for 3 years, finally I did it and boy did it feel good. I cleared the monster in my cupboard. This year had been anything but that. I started on various expeditions into UX design and even some investment courses. I didn't finish the UX and didn't really applied my investments in my daily life.
I hate myself seriously at times, I hated myself for not being able to complete what I had set out to do. I hated myself for not being able to be strong and be focus. I hated myself for being afraid, for worrying about things. Worry is not a bad thing to have, its a natural flight mechanism that enable Homo Sapiens to be alive on this while. It become a disease, an ailment once it is excessive. The fear and worry seeps into the every day life, the very sinews of one's thinking and without any indication, it manifests into this image that the person portrays. Eventually, being like a parasite, it takes over the person, the original soul became hidden behind this image. Without being to do anything else, the soul just end up screaming behind the veils that separate reality and subconscious.
I finally got it out of my system. I hated this side of myself. Somehow, I couldn't really write it out but I knew that something had been wrong with me these past few months. This demon inside of me, eating me up from inside and causing me to fall to my knees. Berating the world and my life circumstances for my plight, feeling helpless and losing my confidence that have helped me so much in the past. Started comparing to my other friends and asking myself why I cannot be more like them. Why I am a coward and afraid of this and that ? Why my career is stagnant ? Why am I not progressing in life ?
Fuck this shit. Like seriously. I had it with myself. I do not know when was the last time I was like this. It happened before, I know this feeling. As I am typing this out, I know this feeling. I had a similar situation before. The despair, the normal grind of each day as day in and day out, I take the same bus at the same time and being late. The routine of life that slowly grinds and eat a bit of my soul as the second hand on the clock passes by. One tick of as the clock moves, my soul bleeds one drop at a time.
I need to fight back. I have to win this war. I have to move in life, I have to change as a person . I have to improve, I have to change. Be it my mentality or fitness or whatever shit in life that I am not satisfied about. Fight back the darkness. Fight for the light. Remember the light, remember the calmness and zen that you felt back once the exam ended last year. Reach it again. That same feeling.
"The greatest battle is the battle within"
It have been a crazy year so far but nothing out of the ordinary for me. I would guess that one major change would be that I been meeting cat parents and now even her external family like her aunties and uncle.
In a blink of an eye, 2018 has already approached the 3rd quarter and lets just say that I hadn't been very happy about how the way life have progressed this year. Last year my notable achievement that of me finally passing CFA level . After trying out for 3 years, finally I did it and boy did it feel good. I cleared the monster in my cupboard. This year had been anything but that. I started on various expeditions into UX design and even some investment courses. I didn't finish the UX and didn't really applied my investments in my daily life.
I hate myself seriously at times, I hated myself for not being able to complete what I had set out to do. I hated myself for not being able to be strong and be focus. I hated myself for being afraid, for worrying about things. Worry is not a bad thing to have, its a natural flight mechanism that enable Homo Sapiens to be alive on this while. It become a disease, an ailment once it is excessive. The fear and worry seeps into the every day life, the very sinews of one's thinking and without any indication, it manifests into this image that the person portrays. Eventually, being like a parasite, it takes over the person, the original soul became hidden behind this image. Without being to do anything else, the soul just end up screaming behind the veils that separate reality and subconscious.
I finally got it out of my system. I hated this side of myself. Somehow, I couldn't really write it out but I knew that something had been wrong with me these past few months. This demon inside of me, eating me up from inside and causing me to fall to my knees. Berating the world and my life circumstances for my plight, feeling helpless and losing my confidence that have helped me so much in the past. Started comparing to my other friends and asking myself why I cannot be more like them. Why I am a coward and afraid of this and that ? Why my career is stagnant ? Why am I not progressing in life ?
Fuck this shit. Like seriously. I had it with myself. I do not know when was the last time I was like this. It happened before, I know this feeling. As I am typing this out, I know this feeling. I had a similar situation before. The despair, the normal grind of each day as day in and day out, I take the same bus at the same time and being late. The routine of life that slowly grinds and eat a bit of my soul as the second hand on the clock passes by. One tick of as the clock moves, my soul bleeds one drop at a time.
I need to fight back. I have to win this war. I have to move in life, I have to change as a person . I have to improve, I have to change. Be it my mentality or fitness or whatever shit in life that I am not satisfied about. Fight back the darkness. Fight for the light. Remember the light, remember the calmness and zen that you felt back once the exam ended last year. Reach it again. That same feeling.
"The greatest battle is the battle within"
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