Light at the end of the tunnel

Had a chat with my sister the issue this morning. I have to say it's a pretty neutral approach I would have to say. If I were to take a step back and leave my emotions, ego and feelings, maybe things aren't as bad as I thought. Or rather my gut feelings tells me that it is better to think in this way, but of course we will never know. Maine advice is somewhat similar to pig's advice, which is try to reassure her and to be more secure. In a way, it's kinda make sense all together.

Yes, I am afraid of losing her, but this notion had always been on the table since day one. Rather than keep thinking of the worst and be emo about it, why not I keep thinking positive and carry on? Now it's not like I am in self denial and all, I know that maybe it will still not end as what I would hope that it would, but I definitely do not want things to end due to confusion and ego.

Maine is also right in a way that I have to be more steady, more secure because she is someone who ain't and this things will still happen again and again. Which links me back to Sam and pig notion of me losing myself over these past few months. I place her first in front of too many things including myself and that eventually cause some pressure on her. And slowly the idea of me expecting more due to me doing so much starts to creep in, the idea of losing her creeps in, and hence unsettling the foundations in me. Everyone including her ask me what do I really want? Are you sure you can handle another hit again and again? To say the truth, I am not sure either. But I still can see a future, it was bleak initially but now it's stronger.

Just two days ago, I decided to go on a run to maybe find some inspiration or to work out away those unhappy thoughts. I ran out... And it started raining, I was pissed. But I continue to run, and then it started to rain like there's no tomorrow, I ran back cursing the heavens. Took shelter at one of the blocks, moment I did that, it stopped raining. Laughing at the heavens for tricking me, I decided to run again... And lo n behold, it started raining again. Thought floated in my mind, "when it rains, it pours". However I was in a defiant mood, and I continue running. And as if heaven is mocking me, it gotten heavier and lighter and heavier and lighter. Every time I thought I reach a conclusion, the rain changes her magnitude. At the end of it, I made it home, totally soak and feeling bad. Why does life have to treat me this way? Met pig after that and I hear her advice, she managed to convince me that there is still hope and whether I can put aside my Anger and ego.

Next day I texted her in the morning, chat a bit. Later on, she text me to wish me luck with the recruitment officer. I didn't like use words to proof that we are together, to say those sweet stuff anymore. But just normal chat, and to be positive about things, act as if things didn't happen but at the same time to avoid certain things.

Remember I said that I had a meeting with the recruitment person? Well the job market that she painted was also equally bad, or should I say horrendous? I left the building feeling like the world sucks and that bad things happen in pairs. Felt like tearing again, but then all the pent up feelings of indignant came up. I told myself that yesterday the rain didn't kill me nor my spirit, the hell I am going to give up in this manner. Be it us or my career, I am not going to give up. I cannot predict what will happen but what I can do is to keep on moving. It's like driving in Australia at night, with no street lamps, I can't see the next 200m,but I can see the first 200m in front of me, so I just keep moving... Even if its slow.

I think the main concern is to find myself first, to get back my aim in life. My career. My dreams. A life that can accommodate her but if she isn't there, my life still can keep moving. That's why I am trying to find back myself, a life where it doesn't depends on someone else for happiness but depend on myself.

At the end, no one including myself know how all of this will turn out. To do this or to do that, not do this or not do that, but the gut feeling, my soul or whatever one calls it, that tells me to do, I will listen to it and make a decision that I feel that is right and all. Doubts are sure to arose, but just have to keep going. Until my soul breaks or when she seriously release me.

I think sometimes have to be less serious, or maybe be more nonchalant about things. I have been through a lot of mini hells and a self created one back in those days. I can only do whatever I can do, and the rest I should leave it to whoever is deciding things in this world.

There are many way of thinkings and approach to this matter. But I feel that this is the more comfortable way I feel now. Try to rediscover the magic and at the same time to have fun and not expect things too much. Right or wrong way, I don't know. I just have to keep running, and moving and accept new changes in life. Keeping in mind on what makes me Happy.

It's Always about 2

She always says it's nothing to do with me but everything to do with her. Says that she can't match me and etc. In actual fact, there is everything to do with me as well. Its what I actually want...

Like what sam said and zhenni concur, am I able to take another hit one more time like this? Do I want to continue to have this feeling of being insignificant? Of always giving more and receiving less?

And then come the qian bian question, what do I really want?

Maybe instead of finding what I want.. I should find back myself.. I kinda have an interim decision about it.. But maybe it's for me to find back the happy me.

Where my source of happiness is not from making someone happy but to make myself happy..

Its very interesting to note that the game of life, one can read and devour many books and knowledge, only to find that some things even if you knew, lessons are never as effective as experiencing it first hand.

Strange

Interestingly I end up back at the place where I had my first crush, first love dates. Back at bishan. I think the area has some kind of attraction to me. The park is green and quiet. Just stopped raining and the wind blows.. Feels good.

Advices(zhenni)

Met zhenni over lunch today, actually was in correspondence with her since ytd.

Apparently she used to be in adeline's position. And that she felt that she couldn't match up to the level of love. Somewhat like what adeline is going through. Which in a way makes me feel even more worse, as it means that all these while it's difficult for her to be ard me?... Think its because of the holding hands incident in orchard rd that trigger it. It's very easy to think back and regret that I had been angry.. Maybe if i hadn't, things wouldn't be like that. Then again what meant to happen will happened. So, i don't think I can run away from it.

Zhenni feels that it's not too big a problem and that just wait and see how at the end of the cool down period.

Advices (sam)

There were varying degrees of help that I heard from 2 people I feel that are the most rational person ard me.

Sam, had a pretty big reaction.. Something that one don't see everytime.. Caught me a little there. She was kinda critical of adeline in a way. But there were some words which was quite important. She felt that I was worse off being with adeline. Felt that I gave too much and that she didn't do anything significant in return. Said that I was less happier during the times I was with adeline den before we got together. Told me that I was spending pretty much of my time trying to think of ways of making adeline happy w/o thinking of myself. Most telling point was that I lost myself. I was pretty surprised because that has never cross my mind. But now on hindsight, yes.. I lost myself.. I didn't know what I want to do and I was aimless. I didn't ever expected that.. Because I thought I have seen/experienced enough to not lose myself.. Well apparently not.

Suggested I go on a holiday, maybe I really should.. But money is always a problem. But I guess I should do things to make myself happy again. To rediscover myself, seriously I don't know where. Thought of flying off to HK over the weekend to look for cat, but.. The rational side is pulling me back.. Or maybe to Korea to look for Sean.. But Korea is too cold and ex. Did consider follow Samantha to go Beijing, should be quite fun.. But costs again doesn't allows me to.

Anws she won't be in sg over the weekend, so maybe I don't have to disappear. But sometimes some places and some things I see will make me feel sad again.

Before Sam left, she said "Eugene, I love you. So don't do this to yourself". 6 years have passed and she still have that power to make me feel lucky to be alive and have such a friend. It does give me some motivation/courage to carry on smiling and believing in the good of the world.

Is it the end?

In the end, it's really about us. Yesterday, she suddenly dropped the bomb and said it. Says maybe we should get to know each other better. And that she is confused. She still haven't get over the other guy.. And if the other guy comes knocking on the door, like recently, she gets confused again. Says that she tried and all.. Says she hates it when I treat her well and she herself cannot reciprocate it. Nthg to do with me but with herself.

I was angry, seriously, cannot fathom what had just happened. Was pissed off, sad, guilty everything that a dementor make you feel just like in Harry Potter.

So after some talking, told her let's have a cooling down period... She says ok.. But I knw deep down that neither that will work it out.. Cuz of her body language and all... The saddest thing ever was the coldness. That feeling where you know whatever that you do, you won't be able to break through that barrier. It's an insurmountable wall only if the gates were open to you.

Got this incident when during dinner, I said smthg pretty mean in a way, and she turn angry about it.. Then have to do a 360 and try to calm her anger and all... Eventually, even I can't vent my anger and rather I have to think about hers when she is the one who started all this. Hate myself for being such a noob, always putting hers first.

In the end, told her my decision and that we will have a cool down period and we held hands and walk for some distance and talk about stuff. Some random stuff and all but when we took the bus, her expression change again.. Hinted to her to hold my hands she refused. And it was a quiet journey back home.

Before I left her, Told her that she should decide what that she wants and choose the option that made her smile even at the expense of mine. Think made her feel worse, but to me everything that I do in life is something that I don't want to regret in the future. Even if the road is hard to travel.

The Monk Who Sold His Ferrari

Recently, borrowed a book titled " The Monk who sold his Ferrari". Its another spiritual-inspirational book just like " The Secret", its a much more practical and hands on book that teaches certain methods on meditation and how to live as a happy person. I think its quite an inspirational book and that we can draw a lot of lessons from it. Wonder whether its possible to really achieve it, thoughts are really powerful tools, and to think that we were sometimes taught to let it run wild at times.

I have to admit, this element I am really really poor at it, once negative thoughts form in my head, I can feel them running amok around and soon I have a headache and thought that there is too much to contemplate. And soon I become a negative person. So, hopefully these practices will help me work towards being a more stable and calm person that I always hope I can achieve.

Down and Out

Been some time since I last blog, well my CFA level 1 exams had passed and all. Now is the stage where I am pretty much lost and wondering what I should do in life. Currently, the mood now is to get a job as quickly as possible and everyone around is telling me that. However, I feel that its not my path, I shouldn't just get the job just because I have to get it though now being with someone,I definitely need the cash...and dear is also kinda hinting to me liao. So I guess I really have to start pulling my socks up hur. Supposed to be setting some time to think about stuffs but eventually never manage to get much done as GK had some r/s problems and was talking/listening to him in the afternoon. And also, dear seems to be in a " leave me alone" mood for some reason that I can't comprehend and she doesn't want to tell me.

So, pretty much, didn't have much of a mood to do anything. Initially, the 1st 3 days of this week was still ok but all of a sudden on thursday, said that she wants to go home on her own and don't want me to be around. Even when at buona vista, also said she don't want to hold hands. Asked whether is it anything to do with me, said no. Naturally, my paranoid self went into overdrive and thought is it me, or the end and what not. Took me awhile to calm myself down and not think too much. Today, early morning went to her place to follow her to work so to see if everything is ok and all, but still pretty much down. There was no light in her eyes and smiles were forced. Want to very much help her, but don't know what happened. Today messages were limited, its kinda hurting.

Decided to went online and start searching at horoscopes again, trying to comprehend what on earth is happening. Found out that cancer girls are prone to mood swings and retreating into her shell. I wanted to just leave her and just wait for her to come back. But, I don't know how long I can wait, feels sick in the stomach not knowing what is going on. Hopefully everything will turn out oks...

Being Grateful..Even for the Little Things

Someone told me that being in a relationship really opens your eyes and causes one to re-evaluate your previously conceived thoughts about ideals in your relationship. Especially for me with no prior experience, its a really steep learning curve. And in a way, I do myself no favours with being with someone who is completely different from me. Through it, I also learn a lot of things and my way of thought that is detrimental to a person's life as well as mental being. Yes, emotions are there, and yes, there will always be boundaries that will be crossed and disappointments will happen. For the past month, I have been a very emotional and negative creature. She did reminded me that we are still trying out as a couple and thats the reason why she don't want to be open to many people. Initially, I was gutted for a minute, but then a sense of calmness took over. Maybe because now I know, its confirm in a way, my insecurities that was never solved way back when we started.

Being negativity has its drawbacks, as it blinded me to a lot of things and her character. Its very easy to switch to the dark side, and think negative things. Its only reading The Secret when I realise that actually its really not that bad. There is this very thin curtain that separates the dark and the light. And once you realise that, its really easy from there on. There are a lot of encouraging things that had happen between us and though we are trying, but there are feelings between us and that we both are trying in our own ways to make it work. So, rather then cooped up and mopped around, by focusing thoughts on working it out and making it as a good and happy thing, things will turn out as what the universe or I want it to be.

And maybe had me and Sam last time, both had been more proactive in our dealings with each other, then we wouldn't have taken the long route to today...but I think its our thoughts that we will make it work and the universe help us in achieving it. I used to always just give up and don't bother, letting the other party choose, and me being negative and all...its not a good thing to do.

Today, change my thoughts in a way, to be more positive and things happen off in a good way and that it will happened. Even if it never happened, but least I smiled. Actually, once you are grateful for things in life, your world kinda brightens up, I have no idea why..but it just did.

Maybe thats why the christians always say things like, I thank you for bread and the wine...and stuff like this. By being grateful, you will see things in a different light and well...good stuff happens. All gloom and tiredness is lifted...I am grateful that I am together with her, grateful to have someone to hold hands with and the opportunity to see the many different sides of her and the emotional roller-coaster ride she puts me to.

Everything in life happens for a reason, be it you see it in a negative or positive way, even as I typed this entry now, it happened because I read the book and I want to share with you all. Like every book or article that pass through my life, they were placed in my hands for a reason...by some unknown force. My life was saved by one, and hence, I am grateful for that. Humans are very absent minded beings, whenever things are going well, they tend to forget the things that had served them well, only to blame on things that don't really matter. Its all about rediscovery every day I guess.

Books..A source of knowledge and healing

I am always a proponent of books. Books are amazing, quint and yet informative tools that humans ever have. Before we have all our tvs,pcs and Macs, knowledge was passed down generations through books. Although nowadays we have blogs,e-books, way way easier option of storing memories and knowledge, I guess books still have a special place in my heart. I can spend a day just reading a book and be amazed by it, and its content. Ideally, will be in a cafe with a cup of coffee and a good read.

Books provide one with the imagination, the various stories of people's lives and the forever underlying moral messages that the author is trying to get across. Oh, and lets not forget the academic and technical knowledge in them as well.

Personally, I am a sucker for self help books and books that connect with the soul. From Mitch albom to Nicholas Sparks and Paolo Coelho. Of cuz, my favourite all time, J.R.R Tolkien who have open my eyes to the world of Middle Earth with his books of LOTR, Similarillion and the Hobbit. Middle Earth is like to me what Star Wars is for the "jedi legion"..lol

Recently, read the Alchemist and The Secret. Two very powerful and popular books in today's world of self rediscovery books. I don't really know of any much of my friends who are into them like me and zhenni, because we 2 are people whom always look at ourselves. Every book that I read have meanings, though they are not easily observable. However, it is always there and these books have guided me throughout my life and I believe strongly in cultivating the soul. Being happy and clear minded in this otherwise sometimes complex world.

The alchemist taught me about listening to your inner soul, the destiny that one has, and once you are of one mind,body and soul, nothing is impossible. It is a kind of fiction story unlike the other non fiction spiritual ones that Paolo has. It is steep in the teachings of christianity in it.

The secret has a much less godly feel to it, but rather attribute 'god' to the universe, to some unseen power that resides in all of us, each of us have the power to do something, to be the change of this world. And it all starts with the power of thoughts, interestingly this notion seems to have a piece in a lot of stuff that I read. From Buddhism to Confucianism. So, maybe thats truly the secret of this universe.

Past happenings

The below post was written way back in November... Didn't want to put it up then but since stuff happens.. Might as well post lo

Yesterday, Adeline cooked maggi mee for me back at her place. And to say the truth, its really a super salty mixture of maggie mee. Sam, I take back what I said about your oreo chessecake...hers really top the chart. But, I am happy because she never cooks for anyone, not even for herself. And to tell you the truth, I was afraid she will burn down the kitchen.

Along the way back from korean lessons, I ask her a lot of things, about why she is afraid of being seen with me in town, why won't meet my friends, and a whole of questions and even on about the guy she is trying to forget. She reminded me that I told her that we will be trying and that I will accept that things won't be so fast. Honestly, my heart sank but at the least I know. Its beats better than I keep thinking about other things and expecting as usual. Maybe maine was right, one shouldnt start something which is just trying, maybe its because of what sam started with paul in the past, hence I allow it to happen. While walking back, I ask her whether I managed to give her the security she wants, I was thinking about what Sam told me that day. She said yes, and she says that she can't give me the security that I want. Like I said before, she is totally different from what I thought my ideal girl will be. Maybe thats why I am attracted to her.

Amazingly, I learnt that r/s is really not all that colourful and happily ever after. I know deep down that she has feelings for me, but until the day where she can totally accept me as her bf, this is not over. And after hearing that we are trying, makes me feel that I shouldn't even put my all into this at all. Then it makes me think of Sam r/s, in the past, she always says hers wont be a long one, look where it is now...Every relationship is really different, some is of dependence, some is on companionship, some is truly like an idol drama, some is one sided and some is of illogical reasoning.

To be with someone that doesn't know herself, someone that is in a way naive, someone that is in very much a princess mentality. Its sometimes tiring, yet at the same time I enjoy the feeling of caring for someone, though I am very sad that the same cant be the same for me. Someone that is such a contradict herself, really tiring.

Sometimes I feel that she is a ticking time bomb, so unpredictable, so insensitive and in a way, dangerously silent. At times, she can suddenly be so cheerful and cute and relys on me. Haha...sounds like I am dating someone that is like there to disturb to my otherwise peaceful life and steady moments. The reason I am hanging on is because of all the things she does for me at times, whenever I question myself, she always seem to come back and remind me how much I like her.The things that she do is forever small, no one will see. The way she holds my hand, the little things she do, the things that she says that seems trivial but it means a lot.

Its all this things that reminds me of her, even though she says its trying period, but through out all of this, it really open up my eyes and heart to so many things. To listen to the small signs, to let go of past ideals, to accept so many things and at the same time, to manage someone a bit. To be angry at someone, to be hurt when someone hurts me, to protect someone, to let someone go,to change and suit her lifestyle a little.

Maybe we won't last long at all. I feel that one day either I will just give up, or she will find someone more interesting than me and someone that is more inclined with her. Then if its the case, why do I want to continue with her ? Because at least there is someone with me now and that I can be close with this person. For all we knw, pat was right and that she is just with me cuz I am the only guy that treats her right.

For the first time, I understand a lot of things and that r/s is not as nice as it seems. Expectations will never be the same as the other party. I am starting to realise that if I give 100%, the other party will only give 40%. It will never be an asymmetric graph.

So why do I still stay in this r/s ? if its so difficult and tough as I make it out to be, maybe its my own internal stubborness, the feeling that I just need to get past this stage and that there will be happy ending at the end. Maybe I just want to give this a shot and do my best and we shall see how. I always thought that she will be the one who end it, maybe she might, but as of now, I feels that maybe I might be the one instead. No, I don't want it to end, because I feel that I haven't gave it my all yet. I will sit this out, I will make sure it work.

At the very least now, I know the answers to my questions and that I no longer have any more doubts about that, I think the honeymoon period really over le, I don't have the urge to be REALLY be with her. Maybe I kinda give up on her having such a packed schedule and that I am of less priority, But to give up, I think it still sucks and I will regret it.

Sadly, sam and me are people who are different and think ahead of times, my friends are all those who are stable and think of the future and all. Whereas she is not, and that I have to protect her and be there for her. I think I can become someone of importance in her life, whether we will ultimately be together for the long run or not, it still remains to be seen. Just have to keep on fighting and belief in my self. Positive FTW!!...this won't be the last of my rollar coaster ride anws.

between us

As one gets ever deeper in a relationship, as well as time goes by. Differences are beginning to creep up and it gets ever apparent in many ways. You start to wonder whether this is right, whether what you should be doing or doing is the right thing to do, where is the initial courage and motivation for this in whole thing.

Actually, after some thinking, a relationship is between 2 people, so the dynamics of the r/s have to be set in the relationship. Whether one is willing to give up certain aspects to compromise, and the other one is willing to make time for the other so to appease the other half. Furthermore, the aspect on understanding each other, letting go off previous expectations and society norms. Really, letting go of everything. Its difficult, maybe for me being a rather principled person, or put it bluntly, a stubborn and hard to change person.

I think this is a time where Confucius words are more apt than ever. to let go , to give each other space, to take a step back and see beyond the shell. And my favourite quote of all, if you shed tears when you miss the sun, you will miss the stars.

Its pretty apt, with me being all negative and hopeful about the sun(things that I wanted,thought, expected), I actually missed out the stars( her observance,her efforts n she opening up a little to me).

A heart cannot be of 2 minds, when 2 minds, there is no progress. A stand has to be taken. Which is true as well. When I closed my eyes, and dig deep into my memories, going back to times where we opened our hearts/soul to each other. Even though its for the briefest moments, the times where she inadvertently blurted out things that I know in her heart that is the truth. Samantha is right, if I don't try to understand her lifestyle and her soul faster than I knw samantha, its going to be a disaster and things will start to break down. However at the same time, what others had said, input and all, take it with a pinch of salt and have faith in us. I think thats the most difficult thing for me, the ability to fully trust somebody. Even I don't fully trusted samantha, when trials and adversities hit us, I always waver and I almost did 11 months, and thats considering a friendship over 6 years. And thank god, sam was the patient kind and the kind that is proactive and she will always try to come back to me. I don't know whether adeline will do the same, I doubt so, if anything she will always go back or revert back to her old self. Sam shows a more resilience picture whereas Adeline isn't. Then in that case, I will have to speed up my own emotional process and find a common or a settled heart as soon as possible. Yes, I will still have to show my displeasure at things that she dont want to do, because I want her to understand that I have my own needs. In a way, I have to managed her emotions,my own and at the same time, I will also have to incorporate some of her lifestyle into mine.

I think I will inadvertently feel that that I am giving a lot as well as letting her dictate me. No, I don't think I will ever let that happened, I feel that I should have the control in this r/s, in any case, we have to make things work. So , to cede control to either side its not really an ideal solution. But in all relationships, each and every one is unique and that once together, it is all about a getting to know each other better and understand each other better, to let go of past prejudices and to embrace new ideas and communication.

I think most importantly is the feeling of trust. The feeling that I think she ultimately must give me, once my trust/security wavers, I will do clingy things and irrational things. On my part I will have to at my most stable, most confident self and the ability to know what I want from her and from this r/s.

Be it meeting friends, taking pics, being public and all, I got to learn that these are not of utmost importance. Yes, they are important but it needs time and I will have to give her that. But with an ultimatum. Its in a way really like fishing. to pull back and to cast further out. I will just have to give my best and enjoy this new companion in my life, instead of keep asking her and testing her loyalty or love for me.

Untied

Today finally met up with Sam and kinda officially broke the news to her. And as usual, she was able to answer the knot in my heart and kinda set my thinking straight in a way. A very different perspective from many others, but the one that definitely resonates with me the most. 

Hmm...I think I am able to let go of the barrier and let my heart feel now, rather than fabricate some stuff every now and then. 

So...Whats next?

I guess she is right about the expectations part in a way. Once together, there will be expectations and there were things she won't or cant do. Like I put it earlier, my ideal r/s is so and so...but her ideal is another I reckon. She is more of like still in a way trying to probe and seeing whether anything will happen. I feel that although we held hands and gotten closer, and adjust to each other needs...I still think I need to put in some effort in this relationship and its not the shore yet. Maybe its the beginning as well, so I cannot ask too much from her.

Now I feel much steadier and able to calm the ship because my mind is not being clouded by emotions and in a way, I kinda let go of the ideal r/s that I thought I wanted. In all due respect, every r/s is unique I guess. The joy of it is the connection that both parties have with each other. One can say I changed my perspective of my ideas so to suit her. Well, yes in a way, maybe not as well. In any case, I am on a clean slate anws, so there is no fixed template for me.

In a way, like what Ben said, happy jiu can le. So if we were to delve more into it, one just have to enjoy and be in the present and not worry/expect from the other. Regarding my insecurities, well if in the end, she decided that route, then it would just meant that I am not suited eventually. Most importantly, will be I have done it in the best possible manner I can be and that's something to take comfort in. And that I should have faith and trust in her since we had held hands in public and all and I am sure(hope) that if a girl who is willing to do that, there will be some kind of commitment on her part. So, rather den focusing on the negatives and the what ifs, why not be positive about it? At least, there is something good out of it.

I know I sound really emo and all, but in all honesty I am not, just that the feeling of adjusting to something new is kinda strange and difficult. There were down times as well as up times, but I think its a normal process bah between 2 people. And now after sorting out my thoughts and feelings through blogging about it, I feel much less burden on what to do. Just be myself and like her in my own way and just do my best in it. And the rest will come. Whether we should have nicknames for each other or should we do this or that. These will come naturally I am sure.

7 Days into it

Initially I was apprehensive about blogging about it. But I think blogging is a good way to let go some steam as well as reset my thinkings and all. And so here we are, 7 days into our relationship. Its really an interesting learning experience for me. I experience a whole lot of emotions. I mean...well I have never enter one before, and its also a case where I like her more than she does. I am more physical whereas she is more..hmm..whats the word...communication? I have more insecurities than her definitely. I mean I think there is this complex where I am pretty much risk averse and skeptical about things.

My insecurities are pretty obvious since the samantha days. For a person I know for a pretty long time, I still have quite a huge problem getting over them. So much less for a person that I have only known in 5 months and her personality in only about 2 months or so. Going by logical thinking, and if we extrapolate this, this is gonna be DAMN huge. Just now asked her whether she is free for X'mas, she said something about waiting for her friend. So I heard something like maybe back or something. And instantly, the alarm bells started ringing cuz I rmbr that she kinda like this guy who she is also trying to forget as well if I am not wrong, and his birthday is on 25th I think. So I kinda stumble over my words and asked her to repeat. She said something like NY she is out with her friends. But I didn't try to ask about why X'mas she may not be free. I guess my main insecurities stem from whether are we like in a trial or smthg because I rmbr saying that when we started though eventually we never set any end period for it. She just accepted me and that's it. So, initially the first day I was still kinda in a daze as to what kind of role am I suppose to be in. Hence, besides the fact that she wants to keep it private, I am also not willing to let the whole world know about it. I only told those that were constantly in the loop as I felt that they should know since they were also the ones that had listened to me whine and all. Someone told me that a guy shouldn't be insecure and thats a big no-no in any relationship. And the thing about me not sure, what are we made it worse. Going by common sense, I feel that I should ask her about it. But by going with my instincts, they are telling me no because it would seem that I don't have enough faith in us. Of course, I believe in all relationships must have the element of honesty and trust, if not there is no point in it. So I decided to place it my bet with trust. Trust that we will make it true, trust in that I will know how to love a person, trust in her.

Of course, its not all gloom and all. I am touched that she tries to keep in contact with me when she was in bangkok and even when she is going to seoul this friday, she tries to convince her friends to get the portable wifi device. We tease each other some times and the common mutual competition was also fun. We began to have more interesting conversations over whatsapp and we share more about each other likes and dislikes. I find all of these pretty heartwarming. I like to use 'uh-oh' when things goes wrong and she would like go 'uh-oh' ,says to not steal my line...she went 'uh-uh-oh'...haha. Nowadays, she will text me instead of me always, which its a good progression. haha. Still trying to get use to holding hands and putting my hands over her shoulders.

I think the main problem with me is the confidence issues. Its like a totally new experience for me. To woo someone, I think I am pretty alright. Well I have been honing that skill for quite some time le...lolz. But, to be in a r/s with someone, still damn new. I EVEN WENT TO GOOGLED IT...lol...when in doubt, ask Mr Google. I am also learning about how different people have different idea of how a r/s should be like. I had always envision that once together, we will be like super close, lovey dovey or something and that both will be happy in each other presence. But, after these 7 days passed, its really pretty different from my imagination. And I guess its due to the kind of character she is. She is never that expressive in nature, unlike me. I tend to show my emotions very easily, but of course I will still hold my tongue when there is a need. She never make the first move whenever we held hands and all. Also, I think partly this is not her first r/s whereas its mine, hence the stark contrast.

Some asked me how does it feel when I finally held hands and you know..got attached? Can surely said its not what I had expected as well, like those fluffy kind of feelings, where suddenly the whole world is a colourful rainbow with unicorns. Its more like, awesome, now the next phase, whats gonna happen? What should I do next?...lolz...pretty xian shi hur..I guess when grow up, the definition of being in a relationship kinda changes. Like what my sister said, love only comes after gotten together for some time. Its never in the chasing process.

The next phase begins

Took the leap of faith. And, I think I just barely made it over. Come to think of it, I made rather a lot of compromises. But, I need to at least tie her down first and luckily I did as well. Because she told me another guy was lurking in the corner. Took me about an hr to convince her. Coupled with a bear and all...eventually I didn't set out what I had in mind to do. I had think about my speeches, what I am going to say all over again and again. I Seriously have planned a lot of speeches. But in the end, I did the one that I am most comfortable with. Just tell her what I felt. I brought her to a place where I always emo and all. I said that this place is a place where I made important decisions in life and commitments. Hence, today there is an important task for me to do. Told her straight, I asked her do you knw what I am going to say?, she just kept quiet. I told her that I won't ask her to be my gf. neither will I ask her to let me be her bf. I told her " Lets be a couple". Said that I believe r/s is always 2 persons thingy and that it is never a one way thing, so rather than I belong to you or vice versa, lets be together.

She asked me whether I think that we know each other well and whether why I think now its the right time. She asked me whether I am the kind of da nan ren and all. She also kept emphasising that she is afraid that she won't be able to live up to my expectations. Then I told her about our progress in our r/s, how we adjust to each other and how slowly she opens up to me. How much I appreciate that and I explain to her that there is no right time. The reason I chose today besides mid autumn but also my CFA exams which is coming soon. I told her that I want to grab her now and not drag any further. Only I realised that I made the right decision in getting a huggable bear for her, because she was so stressed/shy that she kept hugging the bear throughout. The negotiations went on for 45 mins. In a nutshell, she has no questions about me and that she trusts me. But rather, she is unsure about her feelings, she is scared,confused and worries about the future should anything happened to us. As I held her hand, I told her that moment she let me hold her hand, there is at least some kind of interest, told her to not think so much and she laughed as it is coming from me( a person who think a lot ). Really, I kept pushing her, in a way selling to her why we should be together. Machiam insurance agent..ha

Waiting for her answer was really heart stopping, eventually she never really say yes nor nodded her head. I pushed the bear aside and grabbed both her hands and look at her. Thats when she said about someone else also trying to get closer to her. And she says she hate to be the bad guy and ask why guys want something more from her and can't platonic friendship exists. Thats when I knew it was a yes

Really I pulled out all my arsenal, empty all my possible assets or intangibles I have to convince her. From talks of probation periods to trying out phases. Basically, I really all in, told her that if she wants to leave anytime, she can leave and I will just readjust to being friends. And she tells me to not expect so much from her and says that she can be more insensitive and all. I agreed to her for us to keep this relationship private with as few people know as possible. She says that all these arrangement will be super unfair to me, because she cannot fully commit herself to be with me. And that she there will be times where she may treat me badly by being insensitive and all. 

Told her to not think so much and just believe in me, take the leap with me. Like Bungee. I told her that I won't expect a sudden increase of showing of affection and all but lets just be at least incremental. Explained to her my view on expectations. She asked me what I expect from her. I asked what she expect from me. Only after she named her conditions, den I laid down mine. I told her at least contact me within 24 hrs, talk and communicate more to me and just treat me with respect and not like dont care about me kind of thing. Explained to her that I knew what I signed up for the moment I decided to confess, I knew that she couldn't decide whether to be with me or not, she has her insecurities. I told her to trust me as she has always been, and I will take care of the insecurities for her. If eventually I couldn't, at the very least we tried. And if we ever split, I will make things less painful for her.  

She also asked me what I like about her and all, told her its her eyes, shyness and smile. Oks it sounds damn jia..but hey thats what I really like. And she was really all shy about it. I kept holding her hand and asked her for an answer, looking into her eyes and all. Trying very hard to play up my good points as well as giving my words to various conditions. From being private about this r/s to giving her my word that if ever she one day may want to leave this trial period, we will revert back to friends once I emo over. Also, she say don't expect so much from her and in a way, I have to wait for her so that she can be clear of her heart. Apparently, she is still trying to forget someone and lately there is some progress in forgetting him. So I have to give her time to forget, in a way, my work is far from over. And I really need to keep trying hard to make her stay with me. 

The first time we held hands was kinda awkward as well..cuz she held out her hand the wrong way, and for me, I think it was first time for me to hold someone hand for so long, that I have a bit of sweaty palms...so all in all, it was rather funny and awkward. 

However, I think I made her think too much and she wasn't feeling very well as well, so the train ride was pretty quiet along the way..though I did grab her hand midway as I wanted to be rmbr what I had promised her earlier and I think I am the more insecure one. Well cuz I stand to lose more than her in a certain sense. Like what we agreed, there is no right or wrong in a r/s. Sent her atw back to her house, jokingly says thats all? On a serious note, I apologised for making her think a lot and all, but I really needed to know an answer, told her that this journey we are embarking together will be a fun one. And that as usual, I will msg her in the morning like normal. She just say nights and went in. I guess she really thought a lot and is pretty much confused. 

A leap of faith

So, the props have been bought. The stage set for this sunday. Its D-day. Only thing that is missing is the strategy on how to attack the questions. I dont know what to made of after yesterday, but I guess instead of thinking too much, there were a lot of positives thats for sure, though there were also a negative...but in a way, its heart warming...I don't know how to say it though. However, this is not the end yet, there is a checkpoint that I have to reach..

Hopefully, I will be allowed to continue the next section of the race, I know not what lies beyond the checkpoint. I guess I have to just continue on focusing on reaching the checkpoint first. But of course, there is a cliff before the upcoming checkpoint. However, right now, I must also navigate the bushes and rocks confidently as well, because you never know when the small things may pull you down.

The cliff approaching will be on sunday, where I will just have to take the leap of faith. I got my equipment with me already but am still clueless on how to use the equipment. The leap of faith, I have never really attempted it before. In the past, I was pushed to the edge, one I was forced to jump due to sadness, other was due to anger...ever since then I have never made it to the cliff again. This time, I volunteered for the jump. I remember the deep chasm of free fall, the coldness of the water as one gets swept down the river of emotions. The never ending topsy turvy of one's life. It was hell, but I guess I will be able to survive the fall this time round by not letting my life turn upside down. However, I doubt I can escape the coldness of the water. But, its a risk I have to take. It has been such a long time I was able to climb back on to the edge of the cliff. Whence I survived or failed, either way its a new beginning to my life.

I can visualise myself at the edge. I can feel the past swirling all over me, the doubts speaking in my ears...But I shall not be daunted. I have already taken along this road, and I shall not waver and falter. Thou shalt not steer me away from the path my feet have undertaken.

Welcome home

Just caught a HK drama where a young doctor ask a senior surgeon why he is not nervous when in the surgeon room? Isn't he worried? Or what if he did something wrong? The senior surgeon who hadn't did a surgery since his ban, replied: " Just that the theatre as your home, would you be nervous at home? As you know all the stuff that is already around you"

This got me thinking about a phrase that Confucius had said before, which I had read somewhere which goes: " The strength of a nation derives from the integrity of the home" And it is pretty true, by cultivating a home where you are meticulous, and make it clean and you are at peace with yourself. Only den you will have a home. So, translate those procedures to other aspects of life and you will see the impact on them as well. Now, of cuz this is difficult to do but easy to say, and I think thats the problem with Confucius teachings...heck..actually its most teachings. Unless you are someone who is able to detached from the world totally and cultivate yourself well enough and be back again. But, this is increasingly difficult to do in the ever smaller world we are living in due to technologies.

So, " Welcome home". I would like to transpose this onto relationships as well, oks I don't really know about others or maybe the reason why I have been failing all this while might be due to me, when going after someone, always treat the person as if she is mine already and that I always dote on her etc etc. And I tend to get jealous,annoyed and of cuz expectations of that someone. Eventually, I feel that I always ended up hurting the most. So that's why though I had gone after quite a couple, but there are only a few which I ever open myself to them. For the current one, I never showed a side of me that I had reserved only for a selected few, so its not like All In, but she has seen a significant amount of the other masks that I possessed. The things that I will do and all sometimes I think might be excessively as well. But anws, the topic is not about why or how come I can never get the girl. Today, I just want to solve my own internal struggles, my home, which in other words is my heart.

There are a couple of times where she don't do something, or maybe she ain't like any normal girls because sometimes things she do and say, don't make sense. Sometimes her actions don't mirror her words, and vice-versa. And her heck care attitude every now and then, but at times, she seems to really care. Its really really very mind boggling and no less roller coaster ride. I tend to believe that everyone have a good character someone in them and they know what they are doing, but maybe I might be naive or whatsoever, so I am hoping that I am right and that I am not just getting played all this while which I highly doubt so, but...you never knw.

Maybe this person that I am interested in as a princess mentality, someone that knows how to receive from others but will have absolutely no idea on how to give. But, I do know that when she really wants to care about that person, she will show it. Unfortunately for me, I was never on the receiving end of it.

People says that wooing her after 4 months ain't long, others tell me that there is no hope, some says you just have to do it already. To put it honestly, I never ever woo someone for this long, I can like someone for 3 years but not woo someone. Sometimes I feel that maybe all along we are not meant to be together, because of our many differences unlike others which I can click very well and really comfortable with each other. However, I have no idea why but I am attracted to her. Of course, attraction can only get you so far, but what counts is the character and all. Yet for every bad things she do indirectly/directly to me, as long as she shows a small concern directly/indirectly, I will be oks again. Lousy returns..haha

Hence, home aka my heart. I have to more meticulous and clean up the untidiness of it. Sort things out, come to a conclusion whether should I just all in, play a slow game or just fold. However, I don't think I will play a slow game...time is of pressing need for me. My CFA is coming up in 2 months. So den, I have to make my decision soon. At the same time, I also need to do some provision for my negative feelings, negativity...the source of evil in my life. I have tried hard to tone it down and suppressed it, but at times it will just erupt. So I will have to be continue to be positive and dream, and be a little realistic about things. Believe in that person , trust in that person. If ever that trust is broken, then least you know more about that someone. Of course it is not so easy, considering you dont really knw that person well enough, and things could always change. But, well just have to believe. Sometimes, thats all you can do, pray,believe that they will come back. If they don't, den we will just have to accept it..and thats life. There will always be other people whom you meet and be able to trust and will build lasting relationships.

She is just Amazing

I wanted to just post a phrase " she is just amazing"...so that i can show to her that " see, even a sam related post can be short"...but i guess she already knew it...it won't be a short one as always. Seriously this girl. No words can I think of to describe her. Just Amazing.

This girl is truly amazing. Amazing to go through whatever had happen to her, and yet still managed to find herself within the darkness. Amazing to just settle in and start a conversation with her best friend's dad. Amazing to bring me up as if I have wings and drag me down as fast as gravity.

Yet, She has the ability to listen, to calm me, to make me laugh and yet can make me feel like the worst thing in this world and then make me feel like I am super special. Haha...seriously, my heart getting old for this le.

If I really did kick her out of my life then, and after hearing whatever now, I don't think I can live with myself for the rest of my life. Seriously, this girl ah..but I'm glad that I held steadfast in my belief and in my promise. It was really close, the thing that really held me on was the promise. Because I said it before that regardless of what the world becomes, what she becomes, I will always be there for her...and thats something I will still honour till the very end.

Sounds like I love this person really a lot right? Truth is. I do. I do love this person a lot. Not that kind of between lovers, neither is it as between friends or family. But the kind of love between 2 human beings , 2 souls who find solace,peace and serenity in each other company. Maybe to a lot of people, this doesn't make any sense, and to tell you the truth, neither do I, but sometimes in life, the most sensible thing ever don't make any sense at all.

In the past, I always ask myself, whether life would be different if we were together? Will it be better? and what does she thinks of me? Have I changed? These days, these questions are in a way redundant. I won't totally say we won't end up together ever, thats too strict an answer but I think it will be a new journey if ever we did. Do I need an evaluation of myself? I will still continue to change, but I am who I am. I don't have to know what others see of me, as long as I stick to my principles and all...who really cares what the world think of me?

Work aint so easy

Been doing some job searching the past few days. I have to say that its pretty damn demoralising. With 2nd uppers and no internship or working experience in that field, is really sucky. Thought can join the management associate programmes, only to realise that its very competitive and hard to get in. Made me realise what do I actually want to do, if I am an analyst, I wont be able to make the calls and they would need qualitative knowledge.

Actually I think feel rather ill equip for the potential interviews and the environments that I might be put into. I guess its because I have been out of action from finance for quite some time and that I am feeling like I knew next to nothing. I don't mind being a dealer though there are sales and all, but need to know the knowledge of equities market in singapore which I hadn't been in touch for quite some time.

Like what Sam says, only have one shot of using my 2nd upper, so if possible, I should get a well placed job so that I can use it as a stepping stone in the future. Or should I get an internship, which currently now most companies are not looking for. Cuz I feel that with an internship, at least it can help me make a more informed decision as well as use it as an additional work experience. Darn, really regret being damn nua

Silence

Its not always a good thing of wearing your heart on your sleeves, but I think today...my control was not there. I can feel the bitterness building up and I eventually buckle. Its not that I really regret saying it, maybe its better left unsaid. However, I think this will manifest inside of me if I don't say it. There are days when I can take the worst of negativity,be a sponge and soak it all up. Unfortunately, today is not the day. I realised that maybe I was so bothered by what is going on in her head that I can't stand it when she is quiet.I am oks with being quiet like with Samantha, I can spend an hr w/o talking and still feel like we had said many things with each other. But thats a different story, we went through a lot and I think it brought things to another level . 

Says that she is also like that with her close friends, and I appreciate that, but still it just bothers me...So I told her about it. I told her that I can't stand the silence and her answers are pretty hard to carry on conversing. It brought things to a kinda awkward level, she said she is like that sometimes and asked me what I want her to say. I just say well..I mean you know...like anything..Maybe she is really the kind that don't think so much but I am the opposite of her. And she could be quiet due to tired-ness. Like I said earlier, today is just not my day...I am filled with bitterness and anything that just piss me will bring the ugly side out. 

I also told her my long standing dislike for people to use their handphones when hanging out. Because to me its like a kinda form of respect for the other person. Oks, it sounds kinda rude to say all this to someone that you suppose to be going after...and might spoil the mood and all. Like I said, all my emotional control is thrown away, this is me at its core, I will show what I am feeling. Anws, she says that in the past, she also resented her friends for doing such kind of stuff..but nowadays she became like them. I ask her can she cut down on it when with me, she said she will try, so I was well quite oks with it. 

Actually I am glad I did all these, its just my way of getting it out of my system, if not I am sure I will be a damn bitter person and I will just have bad thoughts manifest in my mind. I am tired of playing games such as guessing what the other is thinking, and whatsoever push pull etc ...oks maybe I will still play the push pull thing...lol...

I know some people will say that I just killed my chances and all, trust me, it did come across my mind. Anws, I can't change whatever had happened a few hours ago.Still felt a bit sorry for making things awkward. But, to me, I feel that its the right thing to do because I don't wish to hide myself behind some kind of masks and when we get together den you see the cui side of me. I am happy that in a way we open ourselves out though it was a short period. It is really difficult for me to some what know you better, if I have to spend half my time reading your body language and 2nd guessing your motives. Or maybe I may have read your body languages wrong the whole time. 

Hmm even if I did killed it, then so be it. Like I said earlier, I don't want to be some kind of fake person and pretend to be someone else in front of you. If all these does turn her off and destroyed whatever piece of interest she has in me, then in a way, its fated. 

But nope...its not the end yet..in my heart, I don't believe it is. So, see how bah. Maybe all these woo-ing is just a way of me to get to know myself better.*shrugs* who knows 

2nd Upper Class Honours

BSc Economics & Finance: Second Class Honours (Upper Division)

Thats what was shown on the results page when I log in to see my results. My grades were not fantastic this year. Actually, I think it was the worse in all the 3 years. But, I managed to get the job done. I got my 2nd Upper grades, so that all it matters. This year threw up some surprises...MSM was my 2nd lowest along with POA which was equally surprising...but luckily monec saved me. Actually, I think it was the 1st 2 years that help me...so its truly the foundations that were the important of them all. 

But this also truly marks the end of my study life. Well, of course, we would never stop learning and studying, but as for the traditional study route, this is the final journey. I started with an aim to get 1st class, but I ended up with a 2nd upper, one grade lower den what I wanted. But, I think it was a great journey and as cliche as it sounds. It was never about the end, its the journey. I had learnt a lot of stuff and expose to various theories, definitely less than those who had internships and all, but I am glad I learnt the stuff that interest me. And not whatsoever engineer or maths theories which bored the hell out of me. 

It has been a not bad journey. met friends, met teachers and learn new stuffs along the way. Knew where was my limit, had mental breakdown..planning..focus..etc 

People ask me why wasn't I very happy when I saw my grades. I guess its kinda of expected? Or maybe to me its just a grade and not like I spend my whole life studying for it . Neither is it so important to me that it actually dictates my life, I guess. 

But, it is and now truly over. Onwards to the next chapter of life. Life still goes on. 

5 Years in the making

Today went out to meet up with Seong Hoon,Bryan and Soks. Essentially, they are my JC friends, whom I am not say very close to. Well except for Seong, cuz we were secondary school classmates but we kinda drifted apart in JC. Initially,thought it will be kinda weird but actually it turn up to be quite an interesting session. 

I am happy that Seong finally found his aim in life and his happiness, cuz knew he went astray back in JC and all, then felt that as a friend, I never managed to help him all. But, this time round I found that he has an aura of steadiness and he knew what he wants in life. Looking at his body language and eye contact and speech, does show a lot. At the same time, it kinda remind me to grow up in a certain way. Somehow, it forces me to be calm and steady my ship as well. Start to search and plan what I am actually aiming for in life. 

Its like for some reason, I got in touch with my old mature self. The self that won't waver and believe that I can survive, the self that I know I am able to get thru this...the self where I feel a steady presence. We were talking about his many girlfriends who have in some way shaped and influence him into the man he is today. I felt that besides girlfriends, but anyone who happened to cross my path, all have at least some form of influence on my life. Some big, some small..but all have an impact. Like this meeting, it kinda of bring out my "old" self again 

Realised that soks became a whole lot quieter as compared to the past. Wonder she is tired or well maybe she have grown up. Also noticed that she seems more pessimistic as compared to the past self, wonder whether life have actually dealt her some shocks...but the old soks still seem to be still there, once in a while it surfaces.

But time really flies, 5 years since we left JC, 5 years since we have any HTHT with each other.  Hopefully, its a start to many such sessions. 

Natural

Had a date with Adeline on Sunday. She was late as usual, went to Food for Thought for an all day breakfast meal. Order too much in my opinion, got to keep a mental note that she eats little. I would say its pretty affordable as compared to Wild Honey, and their pancake with cream was surprisingly not bad. Warning! The portions are huge..haha. But I would say its pretty decent. 

We went to the Queen's Street branch, abit kinda small and outside there is a circular table tennis table where some kids started playing table tennis. Grabbed a bat and had a game with her, she totally cui with sports...haha...Got to challenged her to a game so that I can know her cca in secondary school which is chinese drama. Can see that she is really awkward with sports. 

Since our theme of the day was being a tourist( its smthg I came out with), but she was kinda tired with sleeping at 5am the day before, brought her to Ion to do window shopping. But she was seriously stoned and tired, den decides to sit at the 4th floor and just nua till 5.30pm. Asked her random questions, cuz I dont really like quiet sessions...well unless you are someone that I am very comfortable with like Sam or Pig or TH and some others. Grabbed her handphone... and gave her mine instead and I kept pushing her limit when she wants hers back. I dont really like when people I go out with, or rather to be specific, girls that I am interested with , starts to whip out their phones and whatsapp or sms away. I think this part stems from the past whenever sam would also do the same. Dunno..just dont feel good about it. 

Of course, after awhile, I return hers, certain things cannot push too far de. After that, brought her to Gardens by the Bay. Was told by her that I was kinda childish and all. Frankly, I am a bit surprised because most people dont really say that, but maybe innately I am and that I always suppressed it. It may also be because I am more positive now as compared to the past so I am not so constrained nor quiet anymore. But still, I was surprised. She said she prefer mature guys when I asked her so what kind she likes. A fleeting thought did pop in my mind about changing myself, but den I realised I couldn't. Well I mean, I am who I am now, if you think that I am childish and you can't accept me, den so be it. I might try to cut down on the nonsense though...but I think things will be too dull liao...haha. 

 My fav.inception style shot..haha

 Didn't really stayed to catch the lighting performance at 7.45pm. I was trying to read whether she was feeling too hot and sianz or not..but decided to just skip it and go and catch dinner. Walked to MBS but decided nothing to eat there so went to Raffles Place to grab ramen there instead. Was quite oks, still prefer Santouka but I would say the soup base was good. 

On the bright side, she allowed me to take pics of her, but in the end, I kept deleting them due to them failing her QC standards. She only say I can keep one only, but I kept another one that I took secretly at FFT..haha...ain't gonna delete them. =P

There were some improvements over the months though I still feel that I still got my work cut out, but I will carry on but still keeping a realistic mind. =)

Awakening Of the Senses and the Soul

14days in South Korea. 8 Days in Seoul, 4 Days in Jeju Island, 2 Days in Busan. In a way, its a first for me in many ways. Travelling with Jianyang, travelling with a totally random strangers, zip-lining stunts and roaming the streets of Myeong-Dong on my own, horse riding and many other firsts.

Initally,it was kinda difficult, cuz JY and me got 2 very different travelling styles. I don't mind the long distances and crowds, but he will be bothered by it. I am oks with the people there, maybe cuz I don't really care whether people are crude or lack of manners, in the beginning, he needed some time in getting use to it. Went to many places in Seoul, visited places that tour buses won't bring you to in Seoul. Able to finally use some korean that was learnt, got used to their way of ordering stuff in restaurants and their cuisine there. Maybe if I am travelling on my own, I would spend more time at certain places...but then again, alone is too boring..ha. Should go along with Sam next time, must go with pretty similar character de...lol.

Unlike Zhenni, I didn't really have much alone time, which I would like when I am travelling, like finding a nice cafe and sit down and just lost in my thoughts. Of course, this can be done in Singapore as well...but I figured overseas will be a totally different feeling. Going at your own pace and all, though of course the Singaporean in me, will feel that we need to be efficient and that must make full use of whatever available time is for us. The notion of not wanting to miss anything out.

I would say 8 days in Seoul would be too long of time, because Korea offers more stuff I guess, but then again there will always be places waiting to be found. To me, 5 days would be just nice. Its like Taipei in Taiwan, a few days will be alright. Weather in Korea was UBER HOT, make me more appreciative of Singapore Weather...with the rain and wind...haha. Got a nice healthy tan, though I know I will lose it within a few days. Summer sucks..haha.

I would say Jeju was awesome, though it was kinda rush in a way. Jeju really have awesome scenery and feels more like Hawaii or smthg, with its many peaks and that it was an island that was formed by a volcanic eruption, hence the many volcanic rocks around the area. Sunsets are always beautiful in that place, away from the bustling of modern cities like Seoul and Busan. Its a great place to retire and chill, feel and absorb the natural energies of those places. I guess camping at such places will be awesome and can see the stars in the sky as well, away from the light pollution in cities.

Food was awesome if you peeps are ok with the korean cuisine, to me I kinda like it though I can't stand it if its too spicy, but love their kimbab, best are those authentic street food that can be found in any parts of korea. Besides, if you are in seoul, no worries, there are tons of international cuisines that can be found there. As evident by the presence of Krispy Kreme donuts.

And Seoul is not a difficult place to travel free and easy as contrary to popular belief, seoul-lites are quite ok with chinese and japanese, though english is still some way off, but they do understand. Especially the younger generations. Besides, there are tourist guides (wearing red) at most tourist areas. If not, grab a map and start pointing at places...haha.

Pictures can be found on facebook..though I havent upload the Jeju ones because most of the more interesting ones with my other friends cameras. So got to wait for them to upload first..lolz

First Ever ICT

The past week I was back in camp for my very first reservist training. Wont really go too deep into the details here, just in case, I got too excited and say things that are by right confidential. But, overall, I would say it was a good break in my life though technically, I am already supposed to be in a break. Haha. We spent most of the week in camp whereas by right for low-key we should be stay out. We complained and whine as usual...lolz..but was happy that 14 out of our 20 platoon guys are back. And I am close to all of them, so it was really nice. And like what James said, it seems that we never really ORD back at 2008. The place, the food the environment are still the same. We still sleep late and chat and joked with each other till late. Army being army,there are a lot of waiting time, so we did chat about quite a couple of things. Pranked benny and samuel as per usual, we ate at canteen...Being NSmen, really is kinda different, dont have to march around, can go where and when we like. But of course, being more "responsible" now, we will still inform our commanders where we go. I don't even call the specs Sargent anymore, call them by their names only. Lucky for us, we got back our specs as whom have been with us for a significant amount of  time, so its really been a big reunion for us. I didn't managed to get back my team comdr, but the rest are quite good as well. So, I am not complaining.

During our drills and trainings, we still help each other about, take jabs at each other, and the few who are always targeted by us bullies. Really, its great to be back in those times again, of course, we still dont know what will happen when we got married or when we start having working commitments, but for the present or least the next 2 years, I think we will still be able to meet up regularly.Interestingly, benny is also taking CFA, so another person to study with. I know a lot of people actually don't really like ICT, of course, there is the problem of work and other commitments etc, but if taking out these considerations, I do know some still dont like going back to army. For me, I kinda look forward to it ,though not for the trainings that is..haha

Anws,below is my friend's blog which I feel kinda summed up actually how I feel.
http://seelahtalksomuch.tumblr.com/post/27121397774/being-different

The Starbucks Effect

Hanging out at a starbucks and people watching, reading and planning a little for grad trip is kinda nice. Though of course, if one is feeling sleepy, the bed is sorely missed here. And on another side note, money flying out of the wallet is also another main concern. A starbucks cafe is kinda like a mish mash of various human beings. We have the ever mugging students, the small group meeting of 3 to discuss of business or gossips. The chit chat of 2 persons and the ever solo reader of books and the use of laptops.

Seems that starbucks have in a manner became the defacto place where the notion of exchanging ideas and the flow of ideas to be at. Its a little different from the feeling that one gets from those boutique cafes which serves unique and savoury coffee, the long preparation of exotic coffee beans where the customer sits back and enjoy the taste of the coffee and starts to zone out into his own world. Where he looks out of the cafe and be contented with watching the crowds roll by like the clouds in the sky.

And being in this place also kind of like put one in an introspective mood. Now at the cross-roads of life, the period where one transits from a student to a worker in the society. Of course, a lot of wonderful and naive thoughts came into the mind. Maybe I should write a book, be an awesome analyst, open a business, contribute to society in one way or another. Then reality always comes crashing down, like when the dream fails in the movie, Inception.

One kinda starts to wonder what are we actually supposed to do in this kind of situation. Like what jobs should I get?, do I want to get a job? should I be a brat and spend away money travelling? Should I go back to my investment roots? trading roots? sign on army? Like what Yu Dan in her "confucius from the heart" book wrote, the modern day humans have too much choices, too much decisions to make thats bring in the dilemmas in life. Its quite the irony isn't it? With greater choices, we have more varieties to choose from. On the other hand, too many choices, causes us with a headache on what choices to make. Similarly, here is a problem that I am also facing.

Of course, another point to note is that I may have sunk into the depths of laziness. Or what we would have termed it as the comfort zone. Life is smooth, no financial issues to seriously ponder about, have a steady flow of income albeit a small sum, have a roof over my head. The only major problem is a girl, but then again, its not really a problem because r/s issues are a part of life. As of now, money is not a major driving force in my life, but then again, nothing is really a driving force in my life now. A r/s use to be a major one before but now due to age/experience/whatsoever, its not that important now. And from what I been through before, it CANNOT be a major driving force in life. And so we are back at the proverbial question that is always asked by people: "WHAT DO YOU WANT OUT OF YOUR LIFE?'

Wrong Msg

Went to wait for adeline cuz she OT from work today. Wanted to bring her out to eat, cuz she dont usually eat when she OTs. But she said that her mum cooked already, and that she dont feel like eating out. So i sent her home. Along the way back home, she whatsapp me something that meant for someone else. Said she felt bad for not following me out to eat and having me just send her home. Den she realised her mistake and asked whether she was bad in doing so. Told her not her fault, since I wanted to see her, so technically its really not her fault.

To tell you the truth, initially I was kinda happy for the reason that finally I made an impact that she talks about me to someone. But later on, den again I thought that feeling bad could also means " not interested in you, but you do all these kind of things for me, but i m feeling bad cuz i am unable to reciprocate it" kind of thinking. On the bright note, I kinda know where I stands now. Though it seems that it is still a huge distance from my desired goal. All along maybe I was trying too hard and try to accelerate things. I guess its time to slow it down a little and try to learn abit more about her and try to get her to open herself to me.

For some reason, I dont really want to just give up, even though after some female advice, and some other thinkings, things does seems pretty bleak. But, maybe I am in berserker mode or something, but until she really wants me to stop or if she reject me in the face, I will just soak up anything she throws at me and I will just keep trying. It might have been the exams spillover effect where I dont want to just give up and I keep ploughing through, seriously, I dont really know how all this will turn up.

Ytd, I was in a moody mood cuz was thinking about this situation. I was afraid that if I were to keep on doing this, I will re-enter the phase where I like someone so much that I ended up in self denial over things and eventually it cause me immense hurt and pain. I am afraid that if I were to whole heartedly put my heart out there, eventually it gonna be broken again. But the inner me, keeps telling me to press on. I thought of a lot of things, the quotes, phrases I have read over time. I rmbr something like "unless you put your heart and soul into something, things will never happen the way you want it to." and "even if the expedition fails, at least you tried and you have the knowledge that its not gonna happen, rather than living with the unknown result"...this kinds of stuff.

So today, kinda woke up and decided to make a commitment to this cause. Which is until the day I am so tired by it or she rejects me in the face, I am still going to try and keep trying. But of course, taking into consideration of the situation lah, if she finds me irritating , den gotta stop. I know very well that things may not turn up as I would expect and there is a chance I am gonna be emo for some time, but like I said, I don't feel like letting go this easily. But then again there maybe another one comes along and got me interested...lolz

Some days...

Some days I think back and wish that how nice is life is still like the past, where everything seems to be much simpler. Where time is of abundance, and we were all happy and enjoy life that tomorrow will ever come. Even if it did, it will still be the same as the day before. Oh the simplicity of life. Unfortunately, the world of survival have no place for such a world. Slow down and people starts to say that you are being childish and idealistic or naive as well. Waste time away and people say that you should treasure time. Of course, one's problems also increased with survival being a key notion. In other words, wealth is important. Without wealth, you really cannot survive, because no one on this planet is going to trade with you or exchange with you anything without wealth. 

Some days I think back about the fengshui predictions about my life for the next decade 2 years back. I think back about what was said, and now its already 2 years. I am very afraid to lose this chance because it seems that this is my only chance before another 7 years. Its scary to know the future, and its scary to know that right now it seems to be happening and you know that its a do or die situation. Due to this, it causes me to think irrationally, trying very hard to grab every opportunity or signs that were shown, so afraid that I may screw up and everything.

Some days I think to myself to be a more confident being. To be strong and steady in spite of the various shakes and quakes in my life. The times where I am not afraid of much and that everything will work out themselves. The ability to decide what is right now. The present. Able to set plans in motions for the goals that I want to achieve.

Some days I start to question myself about the things I do become the super insecure being that only a few known and have seen. The being where everything seems to be in a bad light, and that life just sucks and that what have I done in my previous life to have deserve this. Why is my destiny or life like that? Is it an innate thing? Or is it something that is pre-determined?

Some days I will feel that everything is at peace and that life is good and will have the confidence that everything will turn out fine/bad.  It doesn't affect me. I am perfectly comfortable with myself being alone and my thoughts are happy and contented.

Norwegian Wood

Been some time since I last had a book review for a book already, haha. This book I initially thought will be a pretty dark and pervasive story. Well in a way its kinda pervasive, with a 20 year old guy having sex with a 40 year old. The storyline was set in the 1970s era in tokyo, so they were also having the same  hippie revolution that the US at that point of time had. Peace, Make Love not War, Revolutions, etc etc. There is a lot of sex in this book probably due to the revolution then, where sex is free for all. Not that I mind..haha..the author put it in a rather blunt manner and at times really straight forward manner. lol...but putting that aside, the story is basically boy likes a girl who is his dead best friend's gf. who suffers from depression due to her traumatic past and the death of her bf. As they grow up, the boy met another girl who love him but he is still attached to the depressed girl.

I have to say the character development of each different individuals was quite good. I mean you can really identify yourself with such characters, the ever serious lead, the arrogant friend, the depressed girl, the reckless new girl and a mature woman trying to let go of her past.

It sounds like a pretty emo  book but well generally its about a love story in some sense, and maybe the exploration of humans deep and dark emotions.

Random Bits

Let me see...it has already been exactly 14 days since I last ended my exams. Quite a lot of stuffs had happened within this 2 weeks it seems. I got into a minor car accident, gotten a little closer to adeline only for me to screw it up over the weekend, finally book my tickets to seoul on the 19th july( dun worry sam, will still wish u with photos =P) and I think most importantly, that I am seriously going to shift house in a year and a half time. This time, its no fluke. My dad already paid the down payment and signed the mortgage loan agreements already, so I can say 70% shifting unless something dramatic happens. So, yeap life had been quite some ups and downs for me. These 14 days that is. And one more thing, How could I forget?? Finally gotten my S3..haha..thats a huge plus point for me..heehee

Oh and just a heads up, I will be upgrading in prestige of being able to stay in a condo in sengkang but will be downgrading in the size of the apartment, bloody small. But, actually the location ain't that bad cuz its just right at the edge of punggol park and sengkang, so its still near to serangoon lo. If got car, damn fast and accessible. If not.....prepare to travel and wait abit. =.= . And the condo is called Austville. So you peeps can check it out if you are interested.


Because of the above mentioned events as well as the Gaming Time that I spent on Football Manager. Well it didn't quite provide or give me the time to sit down and actually well...have a HTHT with myself. Oks, I think you can guess where this is heading to already. Recently been slowly getting back into the reading arena, been picking books from tolkien and murakami. And the game of thrones series as well. Seriously, I think gaming really hold no significant utility value for me. I might be absorbed in a game for a period of time, but once the novelty dies down and it became more of a process, I will just chug it one side. I like reading better, usually once I read and if the books are really delightful, I will truly enjoy it and write a  review about it.

This is a random paragraph here. as I am trying to think about the past and you know evaluate all my life as a student etc, I don't really have a particular need to blog about that. Maybe its most probably due to my excessive evaluations in the past? Or it could just be that I feel there is no more need for me to do that anymore. I am more interested in the future now. 24 years old and growing.

I think outside school, society is a totally different game altogether. Different rules and the various motives of people also increased. The feeling of needing to get income to sustain a particular level of consumption in life. Of course, the need for a partner is still there. Though I guess it doesn't really have much of an impact on me as compared to the past. Or maybe its just today where those feelings are being override by the stronger emotion of survival?..who knows?

I noticed that CFA singapore finally launched the dec intake schedule and I am considering whether I should really take 4000 of my parents money and study for the course. Or should I wait till i am in a financial institution and get them to pay for me instead? Like a friend who told me if you are not so sure, then why take up the course? However, after helping my dad looking at interest rates and reading graphs and explaining certain terms to him and all...I felt a fire or smthg in my heart and I realise that actually I kinda like finance. Obviously, I never like those complicated formulas and stuff but the theoretical and the analytical aspects of finance.

People says that finance is your ticket to riches, well in a way, they are not wrong. I always thought of working for the portfolio or investment arm of banks and then make truckloads of money...and that I will be able to stay in CBD area, with a reasonable luxury car( no, it aint a ferrari...that brand tarnished already). Somehow, nowadays, everytime I try to spur myself with those dreams, it just kinda doesn't work for me already. Rather I think as long as I will be busy and doing something meaningful in the future and have a decent lifestyle, I think thats kinda enough I guess.

Dafuq did I just did???

Did the most embarrassing and stupid thing in my life, can't believe I actually said such stuffs. Si bei malu ttm . Wonder now how all it will turn out. Like what ben said, its like an exam, since its done its done. No point thinking about it. Tml, I will still wake up, still breathe the oxygen from the air. Life will still have to go on. I am sure that I won't give up, I feel that this is not the end, and I don't want it to end on this note as well. What I can do now, its just to sleep, wake up and do even better if I am given the opportunity again. If not, den I will try to create that opportunity again, I have no one to blame or to be emo about. If even that fails, then its back to living life again. Life don't stop due to an incident, and I had already stopped my life once, I will not stop it ever again. 

.........................

I think I was pretty shaken by this whole bang car thingy, though its should be kinda trivia, since well I guess its normal for people to bang each other here in singapore. But, its just kinda feels sucky to know that a mistake can lead to so much shit. Also, maybe coupled with the after exams hangover, I seriously if dont have the car accident thing to worry me, I would have actually pick up my monetary econs notes and start reading them again....Come to think of it, next thursday I also have the bloomberg assessment test, so need to read up on my CF notes...whee~~~ 

Yesterday, after korean, naturally came home, kenna kb by mum over the car accident thingy. So maybe I was also kinda turned off, showered and started playing Football Manager 2012, which I just bought till 3 am today morning. Woke up at 6.45 officially and started playing from 8am till 7pm non stop, never left the chair except for eating maggie mee and drink water. Siao sia, I totally just absorbed into doing one thing, just making my team win and ensure that the next much they will win...Its actually quite scary, haha so I finally pull the plug off at 7.15pm. Decided to take some time off and blog, and at the same time think through about the things I wanted to do during the holidays which I thought of while studying. Initially, thought of like learning a first aid course, ice skating, etc etc....but now its like..whatever...haha...normal sia

However, monday got to go back work liao...so a bit sianz, but then again I need the cash so I bo bian. Go korea end of july, but havent book tickets and whatever yet...power sia..need to discuss with jianyang first. Suddenly feel like grabbing a book, and head to a nice little cafe with a comfy couch and read books and spent the afternoon away like that...haha...but dun really know where in sg gt such cafes with not so much crowds de. Of cuz cannot be so unaccessible lah, seems like i am off driving at least for this year liao. 

Oks i was like afk for like 3 hrs since i wanted to blog smthg. my dad keep asking me about the mortgage loan interest package and what nots...cuz he assume i am an economics and finance student so i should know such stuff, in actual sense, i have no clue...i not from banking side de...lol...in the end had a crash course of SIBOR rates in 30 mins...courtesy of google..haha..managed to explain the low down to him at least. Lol...

So, i am kinda lost with this entry liao....haha

Hopefully...

Well then, got back from the reporting at IDAC since have to report any accidents within 24hrs when it happened. Realised, that my dad insurance will be able to cover the cost and that unless the settlement is below 600 which is highly unlikely, then I will have to cover the costs lo. Nonetheless, my dad premium will have to increase but don't know how much increase in premium will be though he did say it was pretty small. Oh wells, hopefully everything will be settle and oks now liao lor.

start/end, banged and good game=(

The closing of another chapter and the start of another chapter that I am not so looking forward to. But who knows, it might promise some new adventures and people that I can meet along the way. Yesterday, was the last paper. Well, in a way its the last paper of my entire degree course to be exact. Was at ulu Republic Poly, so jianyang fetch me to the place, got lost in RP, damn noob...but eventually found our way to the exam hall. Seriously, very little people take Monec sia, only 3 rows, no wonder not at Expo. I think I perform my best for the paper liao, whether its enough or not, I feel that I did my best so at least, I didnt end my mugging life on a bad note. JY, felt it wasn't good...but hopefully it will be oks for him lo.

Afterwards went to Zion road for lunch, not bad char kway tiow, and chat abit with wei jun. He got a job at Maybank and will be working at some bank branch. 2.7 for someone who has no intern experience. So, not bad imho. Was telling him dunno when will meet up again, cuz I dun always hang out with wei jun except for classes. Anws, he is also my sergeant in army, so make it reservist as well. haha

Which got me thinking of the people I made or re-made in some way. I didn't exactly made much new friends, but had a cool group of study buddies this year. Ben,Jianyang,Tracy and me. haha...the damn chill group...but its fun haha. Of course, some others along the way like jasmine,tilynn, kwang han and zhi zhuang.

After that, went to Tracy house with jianyang to taunt her about us finishing exams le. Haha...yeah it was random but random things are fun. However, conversely it may be bad.

Later on at night, knew adeline was working OT, decided to drive out to wait for her after work. Cuz I was kinda distracted and tired, didn't notice the black car in front of me. And I knock his rear. Though I was braking, but still got substantial sound. From the initial looks of it, it doesn't look bad, but apparently this morning when the person called back, it seems to be a 1387 charge. Sucks man, first time bang...and eventually kenna this kind of thing. Parents confirm kaobei me max. My car damage doesnt seem to be much, and the other guy side seems oks. But he this morning called and say that got dents and scratches, fuck sia...if use insurance, hopefully the deductible is 250 or so. Haiz, its sianz lah...but what to do...just found out that his wife is pregnant as well, hopefully she wasnt in the car yesterday, though i noticed some kids.