Oks I admit I am feeling uber lonely for some reason, hence the previous post. I really hate this feeling but I somehow just feel this way. Maybe cuz I am just tired so...naturally frustrations and all shows? These are the times where I am sure, some of us will just want to sleep and don't care about a thing in this world. I really want to just grab some stuff and leave the country and go around places that I want to see in this world. The natural sights that I always see on tv, the food that I want to taste.

I think its pretty much like the earth magnetic field, i was watching on discovery channel just the other day and they were talking about pole swapping which has happened before( a million years ago bah)...where the earth for a moment lost its magnetic field during the period when the poles swapped. Similarly, I feel my personal defences is down at the moment, and I am feeling all sort of negative emotions, I know at this current point of time, there will be no one who will be there for me. One thing I learnt is that there is no such thing as someone will always be there at anytime de, because we are all different human beings with different commitments. I have already accepted that fact, no matter how many times I had hoped that it ain't true. And that's why I always try to be there for my friends if they need me, because I think being thrown oneside is rather a sucky feeling. I think I had been left alone a couple of times that I am rather jaded by it already. Then again, its might be due to cause I don't seek help at all. In any case, these aren't the worst feelings I have felt, so I am not rather affected by it...its just sianz and delusional for awhile. Also, sometimes a lot of things in life is not a constant returns to scale, it is usually a decreasing return to scale though there are exceptional times when it might be increasing returns to scale. And sometimes what one says doesn't mean anything, its just words which can be pushed aside. Well I can't really blame them because expected utility or the benefits are constantly calculated in the human brain and if the other thing is able to bring tht person to a higher utility curve than why not? Its a rational move. Sometimes when words are said, they couldn't be taken back...but I think quite a lot of people are guilty about doing it. I have to admit I am too..but still I try to stand by whatever I said though there are a couple of times when I say and do things out of impulse.There are times when I asked myself, I keep accommodating to others wants but who ever try to do the same for me? not many i think. Which at times made me wonder, so why should I even bother about being accommodative ? On a hindsight, it could be that I refuse...lol

Well any case, those above are just rants...though  I think it reflects stuff deep down in me...ha...

Dont worry, guys, its only for tonight...just tonight and then I will be back as per normal. In any case, life is too short for me to keep dwelling in being an eeyore, I have been an eeyore for quite a significant portion of my life time already, and truth be told, I am pretty sick of it already. I decided to be a tigger since a few weeks back, and though tigger also has an "eeyore" side to him, but at least he is a bouncing animal with a smiling face. Regardless of anything, the earth is still rotating from east to west, the sun will still rise the next morning...so what are one's troubles when mother nature and the universe are still moving forward.

Oks, defense back up le...lol=)

Rowing the boat down the river. The cliffs seemed to cave in on me. I kept paddling away in the little boat. The river looks so uninviting at times. It has been 4 days since I undertook this journey south. There are times when I thought that my arms are aching and that I should stop at the nearest bank. However, the need for urgency is pressing, being human, time is never infinite its a non-stochastic term. I tell not what awaits me furthur down stream, stories had been told to me in warning tones of the "jaws of death", the rocks that can deter even the bravest explorer.

As I keep rowing the boat, in somewhat endless manner, thoughts of the past floated passed my eyes, just like the ghosts at Dunharrow. Questions were asked on certain matters, but it doesn't really matter anymore, because it will have a negative somewhat on each stroke that I take. I am just glad that I am alive so far and that I still have my wits around me.=)

Predictability and Unpredictability

From young, I always thrived in situations where there is a certain sense of predictability. Looking back, I like maths because I have answers I can refer to. I know that at the end of the day, there is a confirmed result, it just cannot deter from it. And growing up, my life seems to always revolves round having a fixed result, might be due to the education system and the way we are brought up here. Its either distinction or fail...etc etc. Maybe thats also why I am so afraid of unpredictability, because I have no idea what the end will be. Good? Bad? Uncertain?...

I think I personally haven't really embraced the notion of unpredictability yet..well not as much as I think. hmm...another portion to work on in life again=P...oks times back to my dear corporate finance.

On a side note, I think this is like my most emo month to date...well if u define emo as the no. of posts in my blog....lolz...though not all the posts tis month are emo..haha...But this month really spam=X

Weird, no? 0,o

Yesterday, went to collect the 2XU run race kit. Its pretty good, way much better than Nike run last year...and its mostly in black...hehe...one of my fav. colours=P. bump into james as well and then cut queue=X....a bit paiseh for not being able to meet up with lemuel to collect the race pack.

Then after that, james and me went to grab a drink at bishan...which is like...KOI...duhh...so we were sitting at the interchange talking about internships, paintballs and stuff. When this old man approach us and asked us to translate a letter from ICA, so we translate lo...something about a chinese woman whose work permit was approved. And then he suddenly went on about his life and about that woman and her kid, to about how he own a company that deals with shipping and stuff. Then all of a sudden, he told us to focus on our studies and strive towards our dreams and don't bother about bgr. We were like...huh??...so random then he keep talking about it...we were like...orh...oks...

I don't know about you guys...but i got this feeling that there is a reason behind why we ended up in such a situation yesterday. Its not the first time I heard this advice this month already, its the 3rd time liao. 1 from my closed relative, another from my best friend and now from a stranger. I don't really want to link this to any supernatural or religion thingy, but maybe its written all over my face and all...I do believe in some face reading and psychology etc etc...so maybe there are some stuff that 3rd parties are noticing and which I am not. Then again, this could all due to asymmetric information among all of them , but I alone hold all the information though one can question whether its biased a not. The old man parted with a disclaimer saying that s its up to us to listen to his advice or not lo....typical way of trying to pull the emotional strings of the mind siol..lol

Interesting....

Inhibitions

Oks I am here once again because I had a sudden thought that just float through my brain. " Have I been putting a lot of pressure on my life?" Thats a very good question to ask...haha..I am amazed at my brain sometimes. Pressure. I can;t actually remember when I started to use certain things as a pressure on myself so to get things done. Of course, pressure is essential in every journey that we embark on. If there is no pressure, there won't be any progress. Various things that we taken for granted these days were actually invented due to pressure at that current point of time.

I was thinking about my studies, sapph, stocks and life in general. There had been cases that happened before when I put pressure on myself and things turn out for the best but there had been a lot more stuff that had happen which had cause things to take a turn for the worse. Without pressure, I don't think its a very good idea because its really no good and seriously, when exams are round the corner, how can one not feel the pressure? And with the grades that I am aiming...even more I can feel the heat. I have my own ambitions and dreams, but do I have enough of perseverance to go for it? I myself also dont have the answer. I know at times where I can drop whatever I am doing and go for other stuffs. It has been proven before, but I feel that I should make a stop to that le. Like what Adam Khoo had said in his books, do not let anything stop you from achieving what you are able to. Be it r/s, parents fighting and etc etc.

In my life, I had been dragged back by a lot of things. Mainly due to insecurities and a lack of steadiness. Which I had always attributed to a lack of confidence. I think its has somewhat been embedded in me since young, or whatsoever reason. Now at 23, I seriously seriously feel that I cannot let myself down anymore, because of one lack of confidence, that has been slowing me down for most of my life, my peak is approaching and very soon it will passed...should I still let myself to be slowed down or should I throw all my inhibitions and jump into the unknown and unchartered regions? Rationally, I think I would say find a balance between both of them. But, somehow I feel thats an excuse in just either delaying the jump or trying to soft convince myself that staying the same is the way to go.

*After 15 mins*

I think I am gonna take the jump but not letting go of my principles and rules in life that I had learnt, but I will get rid of the inhibitions that had bound me so tightly, inhibitions that chain me to the bar that stopped me in a lot of things that I do.


PS: for those who read this blog a couple of times le...I think I might sound rather weird cuz every post I decided on something, then next post will be like on the same issue again...its like I never really made up my mind. Haha....miyahae..cuz I am the sort of person that needs to be drilled de....so..changes will take time...just in case any of u are wondering...though I think its not like any of you will ask me about it=X

Game Theory

Someone used to say that going after someone is a game. That someone came back 2 years later, and told me that she was wrong and said she was sorry for saying those stuff to me then. At that point of time, I totally forgotten about the incident le, and so for her to suddenly tell that to me, is really random ttm.

Recently, I thought of it as a game. Surprisingly?...I don't know. It seems that I feel that one has to do some mind games here and then and all. I do have to admit that sometimes one has to do such things to test water and stuff. But, I think I might have do too much? in my own thinking that is and not any actions that I have done, though I did some.

 Today, went to meet sapph, I was kinda excited in meeting her but not like the first time I went to find her for lunch. Met up, for some reason, I felt awkward? cuz eventually I don't know what to talk about. Its like there is nothing interesting in my life to speak about? I mean I seriously got nothing to share...talk about studies? about finance? or news?...those sounds damn boring ttm. So eventually she was the one that did most of the talking. In some ways, I felt intimidated by her...I don't know why as well. Its like my confidence just seems to desert me at the time when I need it. Can feel that she tried to get me to talk, like she asked about my studies. I just say, like that lo...I mean dont really have much to talk about right? I mean you want to hear about econs and diversification?? So I just go with whatever she wants to talk lo....

In some sense, I felt really bad..like I had disappointed her in some sense. Like what I told JY just now, I was wondering like which side to show...like I don't know what side to show...funny? serious? steady?....those kind of stuffs lo. So I was wondering whether I had been pushing really hard for something to work out between us? It seems that little had change since my previous post hur...

If can then can lo...if cannot then cannot lo...simple to say difficult to do but its not impossible.

What is it that you really want?

My close friends had been saying this phrase recently: " what is it that you really want?"..be it in relationships or career or life's dreams. This is a phrase that I constantly been hearing recently. It seems like its a very common question in somewhat everything that one does or set out to do.

It applies to relationships as well, sometimes one is indecisive over certain issues, so one got to ask oneself what it is that they really want. And whether its the right decision to take? at the very least one got to be accountable to oneself. In my case, with sapph, its also nothing concrete except for the initial attraction and then my natural reaction kicks in...like..omg...should I go after her and all and blah blah...But, seriously, there must be a minimum level of " understanding each other" first which I feel that we haven't reach yet, so if I were to make my stand that fast, then it will lead to dire consequences. Like seriously. We also should see how things works out before I do something, I seriously think its the constant nagging that my mum recently been doing that has been getting to me=.=....but after having a talk with GK and JY at different times, I sort of came to a conclusion on stuffs. I feel that I have to make this stand and whatever comes in the future, I must not waver in it. Whether it may lead to inflexibility or stubborness, I will still continue to work on those two...but I will have some fixed totems that I feel that I shouldn't be so soft at. I am glad that I think this year, I had changed a lot of my thinking and let go a lot of stuffs in life that had been holding me back before. And definitely, I hope that I can continue this behaviour for time to come.

Like what I read in a book recently. " Just cowboy up!"

Safe haven

Just read finish Safe haven by Nicholas Sparks. Its a love novel like most of his books. Of course not too emo lah this read, unlike the notebook...that was SERIOUSLY emo max...and I mean REALLY emo max. I think its main theme for this book is about domestic violence and stuff.

I am seriously appalled by the thought of husbands beating wives and forcing them to do things and eventually, the women in order to survive, just do it. I just can't understand it at all, must we as guys use violence and control over someone we love?...it just absolutely boggles my mind. There were moments where I thought that I couldn't finish the book because it just seems so sad. So I just glanced through all the descriptive portions of the violence.

Sometimes I hear stories from people and I hear what sometimes boyfriends or girlfriends get their partner to do for them...its just seem totally wrong. If things are on rocks, isn't one suppose to be trying ways to patch things up? So why is the person making things even worse by forcing stuffs that you want to do on others. Maybe from a rational observer like me can say this, but once if one is in the dynamics of the situation....it might be a different ball-game altogether.

Ah...chincha..even if I put myself in that kind of situation, I can't really see myself doing that to any woman...seriously, it absolutely boggles me. In any case, I hope that the girls out there in this world would learn how to take good care of themselves.

I kinda like this quote from the book: "Love doesn't mean anything if you are not willing to make a commitment." well said=)

Break Day Primo=)

Today was an official OBNS (Only Break No Study) day. Went to have breakfast with Pig, then after that played pokemon emerald on my laptop( thanks to ernest for the emulator). After which I headed down to uniqlo to see if they are any promotions and anything I like to get...eventually nothing..haha. I think after my raid on uniqlo in january and december last year...nthg left for me to raid liaozz...lolz

Actually spend quite a lot on food today though, salad, sashimi, sushi and mac breakfast. lolz....Was looking for a nice place to read my books....so was tottering around SMU area...eventually stumble onto SMU opposite the coffee bean. I went in a get myself a cuppa. So was sitting there, thought of reading a book I got from the library, eventually I decided to do some writing. It has been really some time since I last wrote le. I wrote about delusions and dreams. I doubt I will re-type everything here...cuz its really long...like 2 pages each for each essay..haha..

In some sense, I think I always have this writer streak in me since young...haha...so maybe sapph. was right and I shouldn't be aiming to be in the financial industry...haha. but I still have a thing for things with money signs ah..lolz

So there I was...writing my thoughts and all onto the A4 foolscap paper, and was sipping a cuppa and watching people walking. I thought of a book which I read on body language, so I was looking at couples who were walking past. I remembered about the way how one hold their hands with another and we would know who wears the pants in the relationship.=X And by looking at people, I was guessing whether are they complaining or are they chatting about happy stuffs....observing their facial expressions. Its was rather fun overall.Initially, I was rather afraid that I would be lost and start to wander around...but luckily it didn't last long that feeling=)...I think I would have done myself a great dis-service if I decided to straight jump back into  studies. LOL...

Well....looking forward to break day secondo tml=)

田馥甄 - 我想我不會愛你

我想我不會愛你 這樣下去

渺小的自尊都快要拋棄

我想我不會恨你 傷的痕跡

住在我心底 變成了秘密

我想我不會愛你 害怕失去

所以逞強的 遠遠看著你

我想我不會恨你 只是也許

Nice Song yo...haha

Lines...

"Kids, today we are going to do some penmanship. Make sure you follow the lines and write well, so that you will be able to have a sticker by the end of the lesson."

I never really gotten much of a stickers from my teachers in school for penmanship. I always find that following the dotted lines, just seems so difficult for me. Actually if you think about it, its bloody easy...but for some reason, its not. Even in maths, teacher always want us to draw straight lines with a ruler, if its free hand, hoho...you know what will be coming your way. And precisely, straight lines are the hardest to draw...well...free hand at least=X

Similarly, in life, some things have to be drawn with a straight line, however its difficult to do it without a ruler. Even now, when I am trying to re-drawn the line, I had already made few concessions. But I know that without the line, people will be unhappy.

My world is breaking down...

I just realised that this will be my 500th post, the "half a millennium" post, I never ever expected this post to be about this incident. But, I guessed it deserved this position as the 500th because of the significance of this incident.

Dis-equilibra has happened, the shifting of both the demand and supply curves are so rapidly, for one equilibrium will never be a fixed entity. The SR equilibrium is for only the short run, in the long run, when demand or supply conditions changes, there will be a new final LR equilibrium. When will it happen? As economists, we will never know...because its only a theoretical model. And we assumed various factors as constant, in reality, nothing is really constant. Hence we only take a look at the short run, for its more truth in the models rather than the long run.

I shall leave you readers with this MV by Lim Jeong Hee. Have you ever experienced a day where you realise that things you had believed strongly, was not what it is? Just like the matrix, where what is reality? what is a fabricated vision?



Actually things had never changed, its only whether you are willing to see beyond the matrix  and have the faith to believe in yourself again.=)

To hui min and my uncle, miyahae and konmawa!

have a good day, people!!!

Acknowledgement

Looking back..I always amazed at how much I had been affected by one person, how much  I went through, and how much I can truly commit myself to a simple promise that I made. From the time I told myself that I will always try to keep promises, that promise was the first one that I had kept...all the way till now...and hopefully till the end of time. Since then, there were few I couldn't keep, and many others that I didn't made. I think those who know this particular story of my life, would always say that I still haven't given up. And I will always say otherwise. However, I think they are right in a sense, because deep down, even in a small forgotten corner of my heart, where even I don't want to admit it even existed. The truth is it existed..and never disappear, this is a part of me where I think over the recent skirmishes I had, I tried to destroy it. Haha...but actually it couldn't be destroyed. Its not meant to be destroyed at all...it just want to be acknowledged. Pretty much in bleach where ichigo learnt to accept the true intentions of his zanpaktou.

Seriously, I think I don't really hope for any reciprocation anymore, but just the knowledge that I am able to fulfill my promise is enough for me. To own someone? I think "own" is a correct word to use but "someone" ain't. I don't have a mindset to own anyone especially that someone, but rather I would like to think I want to own that particular "world" which we have between ourselves only, and I am fortunate to be still able to have this "world" that we had created together.

Whether a not we will be able to branch into a new world, it will be pretty determined by other factors and as well as the people we meet in the future. Like I had said, no matter what my inner desires are, if it will make matter worse, then what good would it be to follow my desires then? Unless its proven that matters will be better, if not, I will continue carrying on this role that I had set for myself.=)

Demon asked whether its wise to post this up cuz there is a possibility that she may read it, I use to worry a lot about this...like really a lot...hence the use of metaphors and stuff, but I think there is this thing that existed between us for a long while le, which is TRUST and FAITH in each other and the common understanding that we know what to do and not to do.

In any case, I think I can finally get a conclusion v1.6 regarding about this incident le. So strange that after fighting a war, eventually, there is no such thing as an ultimate victor. But rather, only when we stop the war, will we have truly won.

Here is a point to note for some readers. Have you been fighting to reach an ultimate solution? Maybe sometimes the best solution is for both camps to lower their weapons and embrace each other?.=)

Japan's Ordeal

I reached home from IT show and was greeted with the news that Japan just suffered a major earthquake. Me then was still fixing the new hard disk I got from the IT show and anws...earthquakes are like synonymous with Japan. However, upon seeing the facebook posts and all...I realise shit...this is the real deal.

Went to CNN, BBC live and even Al-Jazeera to watch the news about the aftermath as well as the recorded footage of the tsunami. Its really scary sia...reminds me of 2012 the movie, which has a somewhat exact scene when a tsunami hit washington dc in the movie. As of now, the death toll was ard 300..but it's feared to be greater lo. For a moment I thought of the 2012 prophecy, I remember once where zhenni called me out of the blue and she sounded scared...and she was afraid of the 2012 prophecy being true, I tried to calm her with some real life information that I digged out about the year 2012 and though its forcasted about solar flares, the rest that the movie shown was rather impossible to happened...but of cuz nthg is impossible. Took me awhile to calm her down sia...lol. 

Again the question popped out in my head, " what if the world ends tomorrow?"....few thoughts floated in my mind. I dont really have much regrets in life, cuz I don't see the need to have regrets...even if u give me a chance to go back in time, i will still do the same thing cuz of my limited thinking at that point of time. Of course, if its meant that I go back with the current mindset, there are things I definitely want to change...like a particular night in my life...Then I thought that I would have gone around and tell people things that I always wanted them to know but for the overall good, I decided to keep inside me. And to some extent, I want to let people know that I am not some kind of ultra good guy or something, I got my kind of complications that I doubt not many of my friends knew because I always hid it. Like I told someone before, I am rather good at self-psycho-ing...lolz

Hmm...then I thought of whether this prophecy is true a not...blah blah...cliche stuffs lo. I think in me there is always this stubborn streak, that I want to prove something. So , I feel that rather than worrying about the possibility of 2012, then rather I should carry on living so that I can prepare for life after 2012. If really something untoward happens at 2012, then at least I can say that least my spirit is not broken....

Oks oks...I think this is enough for such a post le...lolz...lets pray for the people in Japan!!!

Stages of Evolution

I think we humans, or rather all living beings are pretty much like each other. Who knows who created us...but we all have some form of basic structure. Like how from a seed, the seedling will grow into a stalk then finally bloomed into a flower. We also grew in stages as well.

After hearing what happened to pig's dad and thinking back last year what happened to gong gong, then I thought about fixing the lights yesterday...realised that actually truly I am 23 le..HAHA...not so much abt the age lah...I dont really bother abt age de...seriously...its just a common reply for me to say " omg..i m 23 liao" or " damn we are getting older each year"..just doesn't hold any meaning to me lo.

Rather I think its the mindset ? or should I say, the stage where you realise that you cannot be a kid anymore? When you realise that sometimes, you cannot leave everything to ur older generation already, its time to take over. I think somehow thats how I feel recently?

Like there are way more priorities than yourself? more important things that are happening than what we desire?Stuff like that lo...I think it kinda of lead my thinking to about my dreams, to what is more important, rather than the what ifs? the daydreams?

I don't know much about you guys...but according to JY ytd, we were chatting at mac and we touched about sleeping positions. Then he said that I am a yearner...judging from the way I sleep lor...haha. So I guess , I am the kind who always yearns for things??...haha. Now, instead of spending time in yearning, maybe I think I should...hmm no...I must learn how to fight for things le...survival instincts? ...lol

Oh and I got to learn how to develop a better Air-bag system around me as well...learn how to absorb damage as well learn how to reflect things...cuz I realise that I am a kinda of easily affected by a lot of things that happens in life rather commonly?...oh well...what doesnt kills u, will make u stronger.

Live life to the fullest folks, HWAITING!!!

Listening ear is all I need...

Didnt do much studying today though I knew that tml is the CF prelims le. Actually, I wanted to do well for it cuz for my teacher. But I guess I didnt really have much of a motivation hur..lolz. Had a goal to complete my notes by the end of 16th march, will definitely on track. But without tutorials to practice, still feel damn naked in front of a chariot riding gladiator.

I dunno whether its the same for everyone, but somehow feel really sianz today. Just xiao cai called me to ask me about CF stuff. So spent some time going thru with him on CAPM, and seriously the questions he ask also made me think a lot about the model. So, you know it hit me that actually, I am seriously rather fucked for the prelims. I thought I understooded CAPM well cuz its in PBF last year...but actually no. So after that, was telling him how I didn't really study much today, just want to finish my notes and how I think I am f-ed for prelims tomorrow. Went for lunch with sapph, just don't want to think about studies for awhile or maybe I just want to have an excuse to meet her...lolz...but oks lah...but I think I am pretty sianz so not in the mood to be really enthu and all.

In any case, was kao-bei ing to xiao cai that seems just damn sianz. Then he was saying ya lo, he just feel damn sianz about studying recently. Wonder whether its in the stars forcast today. I told him my entire plan, the plan on when to finish my notes, to chiong after tutorials, then the last week before the exams to do past year papers. I don't know whether its a form of consolation for me or what, but somehow bitching on how sianz and stress over being sianz is somewhat soothing? strange but true. Its like I don't feel so panicky or useless or whatsoever lo...I told him I seriously heck care about prelims but still it's a bit scary without that variable being put into my plans. However, it never existed in my plans anws....so I just have to be confident about it lo.

My World

Sitting at the edge of the small pier, in the quietness of my inner world. The world is built upon the covering of trees, not many can actually find their way through. The huge trees surrounds the lake and the small cabin besides it. Closing my eyes, I can feel the wind , the taste of the cool air, the slight trickles of sunlight touches my face. I can hear the crickets and the frogs....at times there will be a change of the atmosphere. Where the world became terribly silent, the crickets were quiet. The lake so still that it seems like there is no life in it. The high and above clouds cover the sun, lending the world a moment of darkness. Once the southern winds blows, the sun is back and seemingly life sprang back...and all is well again.

Time changes, seasons changes, nothing is the same, yet it happens every now and then with the same traits. Similar yet different, because of the continued experience of it, constant yet not constant. Welcome to my world.

Re-connection...

Yesterday had an awesome night out...whew...its been ages since I had such a great time le. Went to eat sashimi again...LOL...seriously I spent loads of cash on fishes this month...haha. Time to cut down le...haha. Met up with xuan fang, whom is my JC school mate. Really damn random...but she still looks the same after 4 years..still as good looking as ever=X.

Went to Sun & Moon @ wheelock place there for dinner, really nice place sia..seriously..there are cushions and sofa seats...in a japanese restuarant!!! Damn nice...really good for couple dates sia...though the tables are kinda close to another table...so basically the next table can hear and see whatever you are doing...but still not too bad for a 2 person concept. Realised that her sister and ernest are both in CJC and both in Arts as well. Lol...but her sis is studying history whereas ernest is geography=P...

Oh and one thing was that she wore heels!!!...I was like woah...she is really pro..haha...Said that its her shortest one liao, i was still surprised cuz almost 95% of my friends I knw that aren't really good in heels...or maybe I haven't seen them in heels yet..haha. Had a lot of great chatting sessions, initially thought it will be kinda awkward because we only chat over MSN and seriously in JC, I don't even talk much with her...lolz.

Ytd was also a lot of first time for both of us...ha...1st time ate ichigo ice cream outside Ion, 1st time saw huskies in singapore, 1st time caught the light and laser display show at MBS and 1st time I lent my cardigan to someone and she never return..haha...I will get it back another day lo.

Actually come to think of it, the MBS display nthg much leh...just like that lo...but I think we 2 sua ku kia(s)...sat at promontory bay there and watch the display and was like...woah..ahh...kallang wave..lolz. Ah...and btw MBS got ice skating ring sia...just like the one in korea's lotte world, but smaller in size lo..but still cool.

Ah chincha, ytd was really fun....but its time to get back to studies le...CF looming on wednesday.

take a walk....

Pon EOE prelims today...seriously no point in turning up for it anws. Looks like it will be like another intro to econs like last year lo. I also told my supervisor that I won't be working for the remaining saturdays of this month as well, which effectively means no work till after May 20th. I couldn't really bring myself to do much work...unnecessary thoughts pop thru my head...like how it feels impossible, how on earth am I gonna get thru this...and etc etc..nua quite a lot...eventually went out...breathe some fresh air...really fresh cuz it just rained...lolz

Went to have a haircut, bought stationary, see if cotton on got sale and walk around nex...anything but stats 2 and EOE and the irritating thoughts...keep reminding myself of Confucianism quotes that I had been reading every night...though its like a repeat...i still believe its a good set of live values to live by...try to emulate lo and be a stronger self especially emotionally which I feel I am lacking...like really lacking. In any case, feel a lot better le..shower and immerse myself in probabilities and random variables.

Battle-field

I can feel it again...the feeling of panic...like what I was watching in the morning about how the US SOF divers went thru during their hell test. This time the feeling of panic on eoe, the feeling of panic of not know knowing anything. I have this mental visualisation of me reaching for this red button labelled " Panic!".

I am shocked at the rate of stuff that I know about EOE...I know that I got to really chiong for it, but there are times that I don't know what on earth I am doing...I am...afraid. I am seriously afraid of it...I dont want to touch it because the moment I open the notes, I straight away have the feeling of closing it.

But, I hated such a feeling, this feeling of not knowing anything, the feeling of helplessness, the feeling of not putting up a fight. Taking a deep breath, I think I will push on...I will keep doing the tutorials till I am not afraid...and that I can at least understand stuffs. As for this friday prelims, i doubt I can make it in time...but I think I will still turn up and least try the paper, if not then I will abandoned it half way and prepare for stats 2 bah...which is also another cause of concern...However for that, I need to do well for it in order to get a treat...

There is so much battles to be fought on all front. This year, I cannot fight a battle and just win. This year I will have to fight and win in the best possible way ever. Which is to minimize the number of casulties. I think I will have to put myself and the troops under some really crazy training...and there will be mock battles which I will lose and suffer the humiliation that comes with it. However, this is the only way. Either I win or be killed. enough said.

I am so gonna pester u with this :

 SAMANTHA HSU, U BETTER MAKE URSELF AVAILABLE NEXT WEEK!! IF NOT YOU GET IT FROM ME!!!

but i havent decide on ur forfeit yet ...but u get the point.