Distant

A story on relationships:

A master asked his disciples:

‘Why do we shout in anger? Why do people shout at each other when they are upset?’

the disciples thought for a while, and one of them said
‘Because we lose our calm, we shout for that.’
‘But, why to shout when the other person is just next to you? ‘Isn’t it possible to speak to him or her with a soft voice? Why do you shout at a person when you’re angry?’
The disciples gave him some other answers but none satisfied the master.

Finally he explained:
‘When two people are angry at each other, their hearts distance a lot. To cover that distance they must shout to be able to hear each other. The angrier they are, the stronger they will have to shout to hear each other through that great distance.’

Then the master asked:
‘What happens when two people fall in love? They don’t shout at each other but talk softly, why? Because their hearts are very close. The distance between them is very small…’

And he concluded:
‘When they love each other even more, what happens?
‘They do not speak, only whisper and they get even closer to each other in their love.

‘Finally they even need not whisper, they only look at each other and that’s all. That is how close two people are when they love each other.’
 

I feel that lately I am unconsciously trying real hard to reach to others, either due to social pressure or to get someone to pay more attention to me. Now of course, the above story is about anger and all, but if I were to change perspective about it, it will also mean much "noise" disturb 2 hearts. 

Maybe after what I had been through and what I had so desperately wanted had driven me so far to the dark and skeptical side of life. And I ended up viewing things in a rather warped mentality. Don't get me wrong, its not about being naive, I am definitely more expressive as compared to the past. For  I am tired of trying to hint to people to understand me. 

What I am saying here is...to feel again and with a sense of purity. To believe its nothing wrong, to try to open up again. Of cuz, its not about just being nice and all. I kinda believe that ideology is bad for health. Rather its to just use the heart and feel. Kinda realise that using the heart and emotions are different entities. We liked to lump both of them together. Yes, they are correlated, but both are not the same. For feeling with your heart, is the ability to empathise, to love. Emotions are more impulsive things and more often than not, it leads to things that we kind of regret later on. 

Seeking the things that we ever covet

A lot of things in life we as humans ever desired so much. We search high and low for it. The wise ones tells us that its within us. The worldy ones tells us that we should do this and that. Those in denial tells us to look for alternatives. Having hear all that, we will still continue to search. So, even when those who are enlightened tells us that it is within us, why do we still search? 

We search because we don't want to believe that's exactly what we wanted, don't want to believe that therein lies the answer, don't want to believe that we are wrong or mislead, don't want to accept reality but maybe...just maybe that its because that's all that we wanted. 

To carry on the search, for without the search, life may be meaningless. 

Hmm seems like I hardly blog these days, well maybe life has been oks and all. Of cuz, as time keeps drawing nearer to CFA date, I am getting worried. Although, Cat likes to say that I just talk only but I still kept going out. However, these days, I just want feel like living a slower pace of life. I don't know. Maybe the past 2 plus months I had been going out, staying late and club twice. I suddenly feel in need of a more slower pace of life. Actually wanted to study today, but the weather and all is making me terribly hard to. So decided to take a step back, slept till ard 11am....of cuz I kept rolling around in bed. And, Cat also gone to JB for the saturday, so a bit sianz. Eventually, decided to watch Discovery Channel.

Really like the mythbusters and Man Vs Wild series, some of my favourite discovery channel shows of all time. At the same time, just try to be more at peace with myself. I didn't really expect it to happen but somehow it just did. For I too can't really forget about that night or rather the whole thing just feel so comfortable and enjoyable. Its been quite some time since I last felt so comfortable and myself in front of someone else that I don't have to put on masks anymore. Cuz with everyone I tend to wear a mask, even if  I drink a lot and have fun or club, I also have that mask. The mask for just pure having fun, Of course, I have no idea if I am totally wasted whether I will still have mask on.

The few people in my life I really took the masks down for is Sam , Pig ,GK, Yus Mei and JianYang. Even with Adeline in the past, I never really took it down. For a brief moment I did, but I was so hurt by her that I put it back on. These days, I rather wear it around and not show my true self to most people, or rather my inner self. I mean I still can go out , have fun,chit chat but I would not let most people to get too close into my soul for I am afraid. So I am surprised at myself for taking it down in front of that person.