Friends/Tomodachi/Chin-gu/朋友

There is something between me and sam is that we always able to feel the true feelings about the other. Even if its written in words. I really feel blessed and happy that I am able to get to know someone like her. It makes life somehow more bearable, even though we don't spend much time together. Even though we are forever at different stages of our lives, even though mindsets have changed. Like a secret garden, its something where we can escape from our own lives n in some ways, to just enjoy the basic notions of humanity. The true friendship between 2 persons, the joy of being in each other company even if we are in silence, the discussions that we can have without any considerations because we know that we won't offend each other in any ways. The comfort we can find in each other if there are bad situations in life.

To know that I am able to bring some kind of happiness to another person is something worth living for. Ultimately, its friends that kept me going through life. People like pig, jianyang, GK, the bball gang, some random people in my life. They all played a role in my survival as well as me truly being alive. There had been a couple of times where I had given up hope on myself, times where I felt that living on just seems so impossible, times where I thought I might as well just waste the time that is given to me away. Times where I questioned my reason in being alive. Without them, I won't be who I am today. I think people of my kind, like zhenni, we are kinds of people that depends on friends and yet we are eccentric in our own sense because we see life as a learning ground. We read, observed, think and tries to apply into our life. We are forever searching for something fixed, a way to live life. And that also means that we are pretty emotional in a sense, because if not , we won't be always trying to constantly improving ourselves, to expose to new thoughts. For such kinds of people, to have a steady group of friends is really important. And thats why I am grateful to all of my friends that has an impact in my life.=)

So, ending off, do cherished your friends and loved ones around you, even if they may leave you one day, but take heart, in that they had left a part of them in you.=)

Political Rants

Actually I want to rant and goes on about how the political situation surrounding me, its beginning to irritate me a lot. Because I see that people are beginning to throw their subjective opinions on others, flaming on the net, the emotions that are so strongly used in their explanations on why this party is better, why it ain't? However, after reading a post by sam just now, I don't feel so much negative feelings le....so I can't really rant about it le. haha...but I was really pissed yesterday. I was pissed because I see friends who I have known half a decade, resorted to say things which I felt wasn't justified. It will be nice if there is a particular system where we can keep and nominate good ministers rather than oust them because of the mistakes as a party on the whole. However, sad to note, this is what it means being in the majority system of the democratic world. Its like army, where one mistake hurt the entire platoon. Its a bitter pill to swallow. I totally disagree with the GRC method, its a defensive method by PAP but at the same time, its a potential shot in the foot, as proven by aljunied GRC. To lose george yeo, will be a negative. But then again, there might be new potential candidates that will step up, so it might be a good thing.

Anws, this fiasco over choosing leaders and stuff based on trivial things n looking at a party that seriously made a huge mistake in disregarding my generation opinions, its like Microsoft only noticing that Apple is taking over their world now. It further strengthen my beliefs. I fear that a government that is chosen by the people is not based on credentials but due to subjective opinions. Hence, I must make it big. I got to create a wealth size enough for me to rely on, regardless on what kind of government that may be formed in the future. I never ever believe that one's survival must be dependent on others or a collective group. To me, its depends on my side, on my family and thats all it matters. Looking on the fiasco and other places in the world as an observer, I realise that youth is a great tool for change, the power of people is really strong. At the same time, seeing irrationalities and subjective opinions being used as political ammunitions, it really makes me feel that unfortunately there are negative effects to such movements, that though normal, but I don't want to get caught in a negative position. Like a netizen that puts it rationally, politics are divisive in nature. And to me, thats too much for me to bear, I never like to see conflicts, especially if its based on ideologies, different life paths, because although its normal but to see the division in man, really takes the heart out of me. I will never choose politics as a career that I want to carve even if its come knocking at my door, I don't have the courage and strength to hold so strongly to a particular ideology. If you ask me what kind of party I am supporting, I don't have any particular. I just want a stable government that makes the right and necessary decisions when things goes wrong. period. There are a lot of things I can branched into but I feel that it will be too long an essay, because I will use history, human behaviors and economics. So i shall end here.

Renaissance

Today is another special day again...HAHA cuz its my birthday yet again!!!! Hoho...one year has passed again liao..Decide to take some time off to blog a bit today=P...So far so good, had a sashimi lunch, had chocolates, now with a cup of A&W by my side and inkigayo on tv right now. Life's been good...lolz...Realise that a year before, I didn't even blog on my birthday....I must be really stress to the max sia...leading to a breakdown eventually..haha...On the contrary, this year is anything but that...I even going to leave a module out of my scope as well to focus on the rest...its a gamble and can affect my strategy for next year. But, I think its a strategy that somehow makes me feel intuitively better or should I say at peace. Its a bit worrying that I am not so stressed out, see how humans are fan jian, stress also bad, no stress also bad...lolz.

Actually to tell you the truth, I also don't really know will this be a good thing as well..I currently have a view that no matter what, somehow my life will turn out well. Don't ask me why, I also have no clue.But, having said that, I think I have been more consistent lately than compared to the past. Thats what  I am trying to be, to be consistent in the things I do. I don't really know what my results will be, neither do I know whether whatever I am feeling now is good or whatever I am doing now will turn out for the better. Having 23 years of experience tells me that I really cannot predict the future. But I know that whatever I do in the present will have an effect on the future. And the only time period that I can control, well simply its the present. Whether how far my future will varies from the expected mean, will depends very much on my consistency lo.

Like all birthdays, don't know since when, I always like to think back about the past years. Anws, I realise that I like to refer to the 07/09 years as the "Dark Ages". I think I will use a new word to describe it. The word is "Renaissance". As most of you would know, the Renaissance was an age in France that sparks off a revolution in terms of the arts and technology of that era. To the people then, the earlier stages are pretty dark because such thinking seems to be unorthodox and the church even tried to use ways to purge such acts. So people like Da-vici and Michelangelo has to hide their works. Its in some ways pretty similar during my own personal experiences then. I had always said that I changed a lot, not because of any ill intents. But, rather I want to prove that I can be a better person than before as the spectre chose another person but me. I also want to in some ways harden myself so that I won't be easily beaten down by uncontrollable emotions again. So, I went through a lot of tunings, like tinkering with new ideas and new mindsets. At times, it lead to bad situations but I'm glad that I managed to resolved many of the bad situations that I inadvertently created. Hence, in some ways, its like the Renaissance, its been a revolutionary period of time for me. And similarly this year, I think its gonna be another revolution that I am trying to undertake this year as well. So, maybe 2012 rather than a year where it all ends, it may very well be a year when we shall see the new beginnings of human age, the start of things new.=)

The mountains and rivers have seen many humans and animals come and go, yet they themselves are still there. To them, what's time, when they had already live to million of years that flows by. Whats time to them. To us, pure mortals, time is of an essence. Yet, we mortals still spend time on mopping and stuck in inescapable matrices. Humans cannot escape the emotions that are there, its a fact of life, and its not a bad thing as well=). All we can do is to make use of whatever time we had left.=D

Doubts 

Oks shag sia...corporate finance has mass empirical evidence...how on earth is one gonna remember all of them?..Any one got ideas how to remember so much stuff?...lol... I see papers after papers...what healy & palepu(1988) and Ross(1977)...and something with Jensen & Meckling( 1976)...bleah...I think I gonna hack some of the empirical evidence...if  I remember good, if not...then well I just have to rely on the intuition questions lo...which is GG currently...lolz...looks like after this blog entry. I will rest and live to fight the next day.

Hmm...good friday today hasn't really been doing much, just did inflation and unemployment tutorials of Seet. Seems that its not enough though, maybe got to beef up with Clare's ones lo. Actually, to think of it, I am still pretty far away from my level that I want to hit, and its around this time that I should actually be like 60% in the zone liao...but apparently not so leh, maybe this time I followed a checklist, or maybe cuz I started way earlier compared to last year, but I don't seem to be really rushing at the moment....don't know whether is it good or bad? Don't want to peak too early as well and suffer burn out later.

I guess there isn't anything for me to mull over this bah, no point thinking whether I am right or why am I like that...or wadsoever. I think just try to take each day as it comes and try to put in some consistency at work lo. Hopefully, I got absorbed most of whatever I did in my tutorials though there was much copying involved but hope the thinking process would help me to remember stuff. Oops..seems like I am back to worrying again...lolz...

At this stage, I cannot change the strategy liao lo, I just have to stick to whatever I am doing and hope that I can make it lo. Like what my CF teacher said, consistency is the key, but now at this point of time, one will just have to do with whatever time one left. In the event that he didn't make it, then remember the lesson for life. And change the way one should conduct oneself. In this case, is to be consistent in everything that one does.

Begone, doubts!!!...don't try to derail me from my goal!..haha

Actions Speaks More Than Words

Oks peeps I am back here again...HAHA...like duh..its my blog..oks oks I will get back to mugging later on. BFF= Best Friends Forver ( and not Best French Fries...lolz...i haven't try it yet though=P)...Anws BFF, such a phrase is always used to describe Best Friends between two people. Let you know in a secret...you know, I seriously hate BFF this word...well in the past that is..haha...everytime someone used this abbreviation, I always got a very sick feeling in the heart. Well, I think it always have to do with most of my probable r/s that ended up that way and that someone once told me before in my life that, if a girl you like, treats you as a best friend....well thats pretty much the end. So most of the time, when girls that I have a certain liking or a certain interest in says that, I will always be rather irritated by it.

From my point of view, I don't really like to call someone BFF or whatsoever, because...well..call me pessimistic or whatsoever, I don't like to use the word forever. And in some ways, I don't like the idea of fixing someone to that particular role because of the words I choose to use. To me, friends comes and go, of course there will be the special ones that I know will stay. However, after what happened to me and a friend in JC1, I realised that there is no such thing as forever and words are just easy communicative tools that people used to communicate. Rather than getting tied down by words, I chose to express it through my actions. I don't usually say like...hey best friend, close friend..etc etc...I just show it through my actions, the way I treat my closed buddies is slightly different how I treat the rest. I am not going to go through here how I differentiate, i think it might be slightly insensitive of me to do so. Gosh, the internet has no security de, so god knows, who else may find this place. So don't define me as what I say though I stand by most of what I say, judge me by my actions.

Well back to the notion of someone you like says bff to you, well I think if you are currently pursuing that person, I think its really DAMN SIANZ TTM. So ya, there is really nothing wrong, but hey the feeling really sucks, imagine you done so much for someone and all you get is..hey BFF...which is way different from what you want...it really sucks...trust me..been there done that..haha.

Lets see things in another situation now, you have some kind of feelings for that person, but for some whatever reason, you aren't gonna do anything currently, and that person says...hey BFF...is it a cause for concern ? or rather a cause to emo? Well I used too. But then, I feel that now there isn't really much a point to be bothered by it so much, because well, best friends may even get together in the future, right? who knows? Maybe at age 17 there ain't any feeling between the two. But a decade later, well, who knows right?So to be bothered by things which has no certainty...well at least 60% uncertainty( it varies between individuals), is kinda inefficient in terms of happiness ain't it?...haha

Which brings me to the next point I want to touch about, feelings or should I put it, mutual feelings. I was misled in the idea for quite some time that as long as I give my all, then I will be able to be together with that someone. Unfortunately, that idea is a rather extremist idea to some extent, cuz we all know the answer as NO. Like I heard a story recently about how a couple got together, and I was like..what...thats it? that's all it took?...haha. Of course, going along with anyone just based of feelings is also not advisable as well=P.
Come to think of it, maybe if I had seriously put down and let go everything earlier, than there might be a chance....hmmm oh wells...its already over liao. haha

In any case, if you are wondering why I suddenly thought of this, well definitely you can infer that someone used it on me again. Well, the answer is a yes. haha...though I have to be really honest here, is that there is still a wee bit of interest in her, but at the current situation, I don't think things can work it out between us. In any case, I won't give up my life goals for some hypothetical thoughts anymore.

Just focus on your breathing...left right left right...the pain and tiredness is of insignificance....keep your eyes on the road....just keep pounding the road...breathe in breathe out...the next km mark is also of insignificance...keep your wits and strength with yourself, eugene....being overlapped is of nothing..because this race is of no one...no one except yourself...Just keep breathing

Letting Go 

Someone: Woah. really pei-fu you
Me: Hmm?? Why?
Someone: Able to let go of something after so long
Me: Oh...haha...actually its really nothing much lah.
Someone: you should be able to have a good night sleep liaos..haha

Actually, the above is not the fully word for word msn conversation lah. But the gist is there lor. What I want to highlight is the last portion...having a good night sleep. I would like it to define it as able to have a mindset that is somewhat free from the shackles of a certain inhibition. Really, after letting go of something that is deeply embedded in my conscious. that even I am not fully aware of, its really a nice feeling. How to say ah? Its like nowadays my memories and emotions that were attached to it, is slowly disappearing already...I no longer can feel the emotions and thoughts that I thought and rant about the particular incident anymore. I feel lighter though I am 72kg...mind you..haha...but its like I feel that...hmm...I don't have to hide anything anymore? I don't have to justify certain actions anymore, I don't have to be afraid neither do I have to tie a string to the past. I can't really pin-point why letting go of this something actually give me confidence as well as making me feel much stronger in front of people. Its as if that I can show to people..you know like 100% Eugene...that kind of feeling, I don't feel a particular rush into relationships and such things anymore, maybe its just a coincidence that the letting go coincides with all theses stuff. However, I feel that there is a certain positive correlation between these variables.

Thinking back, there had been things that I said and emphasized about which was just a way of affirmation, a way of trying to prove things. Mind you, I never say nor do anything that would compromise the happiness of the other. And, I will never will..regardless to anyone. So there are things that I will not say anymore, there will be things that I won't think...oks...actually its I can't think anymore because...well...I am having an amnesia( if u read above paragraph). Haha...the very few times where I agree with having an amnesia aka STM...lolz.  Even to others, I don't have to say certain things already, to say certain things like " oh, so-and-so is still the best" and stuff like that. Well, technically the spectre was the best, not the reincarnation. No ill intentions intended here ah. So...yeap things have been good so far in that sense.=)

To this blog readers, is there anything that deep down you can't let go? It may not be so obvious, but if its restricting you to a certain extent, maybe its time to let go before it became it became so embedded in one's conscious that it starts to creep into your daily actions? Just a food for thought ah...don't go screwing yourself up over this ah.=)..

These are some things that I want to share with you all because who knows? you might have the same issue with me, oks I sincerely hope not=X.

Shit...over 10pm le...mug mug mug!!!

Minutes falling like leaves from a Tree.

Phew~ I am uber shag today but but...I got to mug later...so lemme see now its 9.30pm, so I got another 30 minutes of slacking time. Gotta mug till 2am...no choice liaos...although I failed my prelims( expected though), but still it really sucks....REALLY SUCKS...and its micro somemore...haiz...really sianz ttm. Then thinking of the complexities of CF and EOE to name a few...well its freaky. Life's a bitch. HAHA...kinda like that phrase nowadays...lolz. Truth be told, I really should have started way earlier, but I will not be dwelling on the past mistakes ah, its already gone, the next 4 weeks will be the defining moments. I really can feel the stress liao, really reminded me of why zhenni snapped back in the past ard this time when I said something and all. Its really damn irritating if someone now tells me that there is enough time, the point is....THERE ISN'T!!!...well given my level of understanding currently. I won't go into the mode of complaining and ranting, nor will be going on what to do nor will I sigh. I will just put in more effort to whatever I am doing now, and try to understand things better lo. Even if I am going down, I don't want to go down without a fight. Well, so I will try to sleep only 5 hrs of a day liao. Coffee/ Tea will be my new mistress...haha...oh and Sleep? sorry got to avoid u for the month or so...I will repay my debts to you once all this is over. Mia-neh.

Life's Complexities 

Life overall is a rather complex equation, don't you all think? Its not like we can collapse everything into a finite significant factors like the APT, neither could we collapse everything into a standard market portfolio(social norms). Sorry for the finance usage here...if any of you are feeling curious, you can search the web for the def. If not, I think the only person who would know this would be cat...haha

Because of the uncertain future, we do not know whether what awaits us, whether what ever we are doing now is the right thing. From another point of view, whatever we are doing now will have some sort of impact on the future, so we need to be cautious with our actions. Then again, if we are overly cautious, then what if we missed an opportunity?

Its such dilemmas that make life rather difficult to go through, no? What may be right for me, won't be the right thing for you. Its like you prefer omelette, I prefer bacon....both also give proteins, so neither of us are wrong nor right. At times, we may be on cross roads, where we look left and right, and that both gave the same outlook.So which one will choose, some chose with their gut feelings, others choose with rationality. Others being indifferent, just flip the coin. A minority would just jump off the road and into the unknown.

All these can happened because we are all shaped differently, being in different situations. One may have gone through some shitty times to arrive in his/her current state, another may have gone through a more chilled process. Hence the different outlooks and reactions in life. Even in close friends situation, when one knows that somehow your friend should not be doing it, but in the end, he/she still do it, in what position are we to say that its wrong? I think Confucius saying is truly apt here: " Say what you have to say, but don't ask to be snubbed"...I seriously think this is my all time fav phrase...lolz

Likewise, I really feel that a close friend shouldn't have done certain things if not she will not be in her current predicament now. But like what I said before, who are we to say what should be done? and mindsets changed...so again, whats right whats wrong? Well, folks I think if we are in such a situation, then we should just do whats is required for us to do at the current point of time and help our friend in whatever possible way we deemed that it should be done lo. Of course, whether its being done or not, its another question. However, least we have done what friends should do. Definitely, as friends, there is some form of worries here and there, but well there's a limit to whatever we can do, don't we?

Now, lets go onto the topic of uncertainty. As much as I would like to know when I am going to leave this world, so that I can plan what to do(oks I don't wish to know)...but in reality, we will never know don't we? So how do we convince ourselves to carry on living? I think the answers lies in dreams and hopes. Hope that there will be a happy ending for us, the hope that we will be able to achieve something. Hope that when I open my eyes, I will still be able to see the world before I close them...so who says day-dreaming sucks?!!...well, just don't do it excessively can liaos...LOL.

With sapph, there is also this kind of uncertainty, there are times when I told myself to not start any conversations. She just have to pian pian contact me, then when I asked whats up, she say nothing...and then MIA for some time...I will be like...hur...and sometimes she will contact me out of the blue. When its my turn to contact her, then got dao...wth...lolz...really uncertain here sia...u make me go round and round siol. @.@
( in any case, you may realise that this is just some brainless paragraph here=P)

So, isn't life cheem??...HAHA


 

Popping by

Seriously, studying at home is dangerously distracting...haha...with msn, bed , lappy, youtube, msn, tv nearby. But, its cheap!! because can cook, food sources are a few minutes away, no soft drinks...haha...though i got a huge stock of ice cream currently=.= no thanks to my dad...ice cream can be my staple food for the week liaoss...haha

Hopefully, I can finish my goal by April 25th....pray hard but time is not on my side sia... Like in army, the 24km route march...I should just think of marching and not think of the end. Speaking of army, there had been quite a couple of unflattering pictures of SAF recently. With the maid incident and others as well...haha..

To the spectre that has always haunted me:

The spectre that has haunted me for quite some time, well I think it has finally been exorcised. All it took was just a word to break that spectre that had me quite enamored recently. Actually, to some extent, I think I might missed that spectre..haha...but a spectre should never exist in the present. It never should. It remains in the past, in memories, thats where spectres should be. Like ghosts that finally drop their grudges and be reincarnated. This dear spectre of mine should also drop it's fantasies and join the rest in reincarnation. It had been a fantastic journey this period of time, at times, rather torturing period as well....but I am glad I went through it. This really remind me about harry potter and the deathly hallows. This is the last hallow that haven't been destroyed, and now it has...and like riddle's diary, its pretty disheartening to see it destroyed. As I stabbed the basilisk fang into the diary, with poison oozing out and the spectre crying out in pain. I bid goodbye and thank the spectre for everything. With a bright light, the spectre changed into a white being and smile at me while making her way up to where she belongs. My memories. Goodbye then spectre, from now on, I will be able to protect your reincarnation without any hesitation and restrictions anymore.=)

Jo's 21st Void Deck Celebration( Say Whatt?)

Ytd, is our dear JOSY's 21st!!!...haha...so me and GK went down to her place with the angry birds cake( actually cup-cakes ) and then we had fun torturing her...LOL...21st is to torture de leh!!!!...hehehe...actually we very nice liao lor, we never use "un-blowable" candles and we never smash her face with the cup-cakes. Though I got her to use her mouth and eat the birds without hands, and we kinda just "sugar torture" her...haha...cuz the cup cakes were REALLY sweet..because its all icing...even I cannot tahan=X. So after the craziness, we sat down  and chat a bit...oh..did i mention that Jo damn cute, she was like jumping and hopping around when we were there with the cake late at night. HAHA....Apparently, she saw us walking to her block liaozz, no surprises there liao=(....haha...but its really fun yesterday night. Here are the pics below!!=P

 The Birds and The Pigs

JO looking apprehensive...HAHA

THE TORTURE!!!..Actually seems like I am the only one executing it=X

Cant explained the duplicated pic below the video...just ignore it lo=)

 The best looking of all

The King is actually crownless if u notice...and brainless as well..=P

Chill Out Session

To kick off April with a bang, yesterday was a rather fun day to begin with. Tried to complete Options tutorial quickly, eventually took an awful lot of time of completing it due to 3 questions that I never do the previous time. Gosh..everytime do CF tutorial, seriously take up a lot of time. Hopefully will be able to complete my tutorials on time so to proceed to the next level.

Went to give ren and ben a surprise at gardens...haha..actually I suppose to meet TH for a chill out session then I knew ren they all are there so just pop by to chat with them lo. Then after that went to meet TH, so we were just chilling out at a pub near his house watching soccer matches. So, I was just talking with him about things that happened so far in my life and we talked about careers and our future. It just struck me that actually a lot of us, seriously don't really know what we wanna do with our lives. Eventually, all of us just know one thing...ability to earn lots of money. Well, its not a bad decision actually considering money is one of the most important commodity ever created.

Sometimes, I wonder is it our society that embedded in all of us a certain procedure in life where we had to be at certain stages at a certain age of our life. I am not saying its wrong or anything, but we ended up pressuring ourselves to be someone that maybe we aren't or not yet ready to be at a certain stage. In the past, I always emphasized on the need to have a goal or an aim in life, because that will definitely spur us on and achieve what we want. However, the problem facing a lot of people(including me) is that what is one's aim? to be a mafia leader? a vet? slacker? CEO of a company? I feel that its not really that we don't know what we want but rather we have so many choices to choose, which forces a lot of us to rethink our initial choices. Oh..and I haven't add in the factor of social pressures. I know a primary school friend who wanted to be a construction engineer, to design construction vehicles since young and then now he is a NS regular. I am not saying that one should follow their primary school dreams..gosh...we were so naive last time to even really consider a job/goal/ profession correctly. But, what I want to highlight was that the change in our decisions. At least my friend knew what he wanted. Many like us still are at cross roads after cross roads. Personally, I don't think its a sin to NOT know what you want but maybe have some short term goals instead and when the time comes to cross the bridge, then decide lo.

For me, I am almost 90% sure which industry I want to go to. However, whether I am able to get into or which area will I end up at, I seriously also don't know. But I have some sort of plan that I had set within this year, so we shall see about it. Then after that, we were talking about why its alright to for girls to not bother much about careers and for men to be more stress by it. No offense here, I am not being sexist as well but most women have the option which in some ways seem as a short-cut that they can rely on the men as bread-winners to support the family and themselves. Whereas men? well we don't really have much choice, do we? we just have to support our family. Of course, nowadays both sexes are equally career driven and stuff..but what I want to highlight here is that, ceteris paribus, women have a back door out. So felt rather weird that we were talking about careers then HDB and wedding costs..lolz...Then we were talking about grad trips and stuff, then of course if got moolah, it wont be a problem lo...unfortunately for me, it seems a bit impossible to go to the road trip with ren and ben le...because I think I need a good 1.5k min to go=(...which unfortunately it will be a significant drain from my savings....emo nemo sia...should have work more during last year holidays and spend lesser.