Yawns. Procrastination. Procrastination. Procrastination

Full Metal Alchemist: Brotherhood

" A Lesson without pain is meaningless, because you cannot gain something without sacrificing something else in return. But, once you endure the pain and overcome it, you will gain a heart that is stronger than anything else. A Fullmetal Heart." ~ Edward Elric the Full Metal Alchemist.

The past few days, I had been chionging the above anime. Its about alchemy and things like that. Basically, it revolves round a law called Equivalent Exchange, which basically means one gain and lose something of equal importance. A really apt way to describe life and in many ways, the ways of the universe.

I think this idea is pretty existant in many things that we studied. Like in Accountancy, We must always debit one side and credit another ledger. In Economics, we have the concept of Pareto Efficient, at a particular allocation that one cannot gain something without causing another to suffer a loss. In Phyics, with Newton 3rd's Law, where there are 2 similar magnitude forces but working against each other in different directions. Hence, this is definitely a trait that we as humans actually have. The art of receiving and the notion of sacrificing.

A.A.R

Today was the last paper. I realise that I had been playing the wrong strategy all along. But whatever the case, its all already over. I don't want to start anything about the past, the exams and all. So, I took some time to reflect...you know to have an AAR..ahaha...sorry sounds so army like=P

When I think back of the past 4 weeks, I realise that these 4 weeks, I was rather fearful. I was fearful of so so many things. I am afraid of course about the results, but....Well, last year I have a breakdown, this year I had a fear that cripples me...todays paper was the first paper and ironically the last as well, that I wasn't afraid of the paper. I think because I enter the exam hall with a mindset of whatever liao...maybe its because, I accepted that I can fail. I don't really bother about the questions, to me, its like I will try my best with the questions lo and answer whatever way I know. Truth be told, I seriously smoke to the max...but somehow its fun, its like I enjoyed it though I am sure I lost 25 marks already. Unlike all my other papers, I was nervous, no time...rushing ...the usual stuff lo. These recent days, penultimately to today's paper, I was thinking of the possible scenarios n steps to take if I fail, JY said I shouldn't think that way. But, at that point of time, I know that if I don't find out these stuff, there is no way I am going to be able to concentrate on my last min chionging. Or maybe should I rephrase..its to be at peace with myself. I feel that I have a very complicated and yet unstable soul. I am like a subconsciously hypocrite. 

Its strange and I think its rather uniquely me, that I like to tie all sort of stuffs with negative emotions. Maybe because I want people to sympathise with me subconsciously or to put it more correctly, I want people to recognize me. Yes, I think thats the word. I always got this feeling that I somehow want people to say" yes, eugene thats the way" or " yeap, you are right" or " Wow...how do you achieve this and that?" 

And thats something that I want to change, because I don't want my life to be filled with negative emotions as well as indirectly living my life for others' recognition. And maybe thats why I feel that I am a disturbed soul. A soul that is not at peace with his mind, and with that brings with so much negativity and fear. 

Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering.

I always find this saying to be very apt in reality. Its always start with fear, and that it lead to the subsequent consequences. 

Dear Journal, given the current situation, it may seem that it is inappropriate for me to write. But, even with the incoming storm, its something I feel that I should write about. As we all known, taken an adventure into the unknown nature. Looking at the map that I have, there are a total of 5 phases that I had planned to move from  so to reach civilization.Phase 1 was an exact replica of a bunch of rocks that I had failed before in my last adventure walk. I am glad to say that I had cleared that area pretty well with the knowledge that I had acquired during my last expedition. The last entry on this journal was a time where I had taken an untimely long break and in some ways ended up in a storm.

But, I managed to reach the second checkpoint in time, though abet less prepared as the storm totally just rape through my tents and blocks of wood that I had erected to protect myself. Luckily, when a tree was hit by the lightning, it fell right in front of me thus protected me from the harsh winds. And, I made it through the night. Subsequently, I made my way towards checkpoint 3. As I was moving, the ground felt cooler and less bumpy, and I thought that well...maybe it might be a good sign. How wrong was I. In the front of me, lies a huge cliff that I had to scale, there is no way around it, nor under it as well. Its not the first time I had scaled cliffs, but somehow it felt unnatural at times. There were many times where I stopped and wonder how and which direction should I take. Maybe I should practised cliff climbing before I decided to take this journey, but I never expected a cliff to be in front of me now. As I kept climbing, my natural instincts were saying something is wrong, but I do not know what and climbing on a cliff that is 9 storeys from ground, its not like I could turn back could I? After scaling the cliff, I stood at the top and surveyed the surroundings.

Well it definitely seems that I was right. I am pretty off where I should be, but I don't think/ hope that  I am too far. Unfortunately, the next phase of the situation is a desert. And hallucinations are rife in the desert. But now its not the time to be despaired...if nt I am dead.

Oks can't really concentrate for some reason. Dunno whether its because of election fever or wad. Somehow, there is no pressure on myself for this year, its like I am in " whatever" mode lo...maybe because from the start I know I won't fail but I also know that I am not in a level to score those high flying grades. Maybe because I had plan alternative plans if things don't turn up in my favor, or it could be that I got this " Anything can be solved" mindset thinking...so I didn't heap any pressure on myself. Must be somewhere the fengshui nt right...hmm

It might be due to what I had discuss with zhenni the last time I met her. She said she can't really move on after student life because thats what she had mostly lived for. A life as a student. Which is to gain good grades, take part in CCAs, then graduate and find a job. Simple. However, after year 1 and a lesson by mark harris on the examinations that send a signal, I began to see examinations in a different light. I take it as a gauge on how well I know a particular module, though I have to admit I loathe memorizing stuffs but what to do. And in some ways, examinations are no longer the highest priority in my life anymore, I began to search for things that are more applicable to real life. Like CFAs, and other kinds of qualifications...of course, needless to say they also require grades....Maybe I need to rethink certain things during the holidays...oh wells..

Trekking

As I keep trudging through the dense vegetation, I spotted a nice spot near the river. Decided to take a break and refresh myself, as I was drinking the fresh river water from above the mountains. I lay back and admire the clear blue skies and natural scenery around me. As I breathe in the cool air, I started to laze and fall in a slumber. Had a nice dream and all. When I woke up, I saw the dark clouds behind me with flashes of lightning. Only did I realised that I am in prime spot for a lightning strike as well as I am surrounded by flat plains.

And then reality hit me. I was trying to survive, I had to reach a particular checkpoint so that I can carry on to my next phase. I shouldn't have stopped, I start to run towards higher ground, in fear of a flash flood, I tripped and the rain started to drizzle. I need to get out of the plains...no questions or looking back...I can feel the cold wind picking up...now life is gonna be difficult.

I really like a quote from Gandalf in LOTR: Fellowship of the Ring. " All We can do is to make use of the time that is left for us."

Its really inspirational isn't ? I don't know. To me it is lo. As like the previous post, I was afraid of so many things. The power of fear is really strong.Really. But, if we think about it from a more rational point of view, the fears are all nothing but build on the vines of uncertainty. Such uncertainties can cripple many of us, and the way it binds us to a spot. I had already done preparations for the papers, whether a not, its enough or its good enough. I have no idea. The only way is for me to take the paper and see the results. If at the end of the day, the results are not satisfactory, then I will have to try to beef up my other areas if I want to be more employable and send a stronger signal. Its like a trade-off. Last year, I had a breakdown and this year, I am determined to control my self. I don't want to be crippled by fear, but if I am really going to take a stumble or worse, or fall. Then so be it. At the end of the day, all these did not happen because of the past few weeks or something, its not short run at all. Its a problem with the entire semester, because of inconsistency and the pure lack of drive for my grades.

So, regardless of the time left, I can only make do with whatever is given to me.

The Infection

Ok...I have been infected. The exams jitters have finally infected me....whereas my armour was rock solid a week back, now its been invaded. I am scared...I can feel it. I am afraid that I might screw up, I am afraid that I don't know how to do stuffs, I am afraid that grades won't be good enough, I am afraid that my strategies are wrong, I am afraid that questions won't come out the way I wanted it, I am afraid that my decision to throw EOE away was wrong, I am afraid that all these will have in some way a negative effect on my potential future, I am afraid that I can't do the questions, I am afraid that people will be disappointed in me....there are so many things that I am afraid of.

To put things into perspective, why do we need exams? Mark harris says its like a signal that we can send to our future employers. Due to informational asymmetries in the labour market, the few ways which our future employers can judge us, is through our degree and thus the need for examinations. To prove our abilities. However, if we think about it, there are many other signals we can send to our future bosses. Our CIP records, external qualifications, the way one performs during interviews. The aptitude shown in a specialized kind of  job. Working experience..etc etc. In my honest opinion, I also think that stress that came with the examinations is also included in the assessment of our degree. Its in some ways, a signal to our future bosses whether we can handle the stress.

Its been almost 2 years since I've been back to being a student. Unfortunately, the portion where " stress management" is concerned, I didn't do particularly well. Truth be told, I was most prepared for an exam was in Sec 2, because I literally studied from the start of the year to the end. O level was better prepared as well, maybe because of things such as homework, tests, regular stuffs. Now currently, I am deprived of these things, whenever my brother complains about test and homework, in my heart, I always thought that how nice if we have them. Though I have tutorials, it wasn't enforced. Laissez faire market don't always works, because being humans, some markets will suffer market failure. Just like the lighthouse situation during the 18th century in Great Britain.

Ever since the inspirational talk by Amos in year one, I always try to understand my subjects because thats our aim of education ain't? So many quotes about education was about learning and not about the results. However, in our current society and I don't mean here in singapore only, but the world in general doesn't really follow that school of thought. Come to think of it, thats what a lot of people do don't they?

When we ask people about the stuff they learned in school, after their exams, most will be like: " What? I returned to my teacher already." Honestly, me too...especially maths..lolz..But most of my economics had stick with me, especially micro economics because well its micro.

Of course, the reason why I am afraid was not because I don't understand, why for EOE yes. But for the rest, its I understand but whether the depth of understanding is enough, its something that I don't know. And yes, being the ever control freak I am, I am afraid of not knowing something. Having said that, I had also let go of a lot of things that I should know.