Cafe Hopping

Today went out with GK and Boon for some cafe hopping, its pretty crazy and due to my lack of sleep, I am a bit cranky and all. However, the highlight to me was just a few minutes ago when GK thanked me for reminding him on what he wants in a relationship and not just wanting one. I told him why I am still in a way hanging out with adeline and still being nice to her and stuff, and why I am trying to see if communication is possible. I am fully aware of the possibility that we might not be together though I am not saying that we can never possibly be together. So, I told him that unless she is able to fulfil my requirements of a partner, I don't think I will ever be with her. I repeated what JO and maine said to me about knowing what you want from a partner. I showed him the idea of " It takes 2 hands to clap" , I explained the rationale why me and zhenni won't be together...well at least for now. Don't know about the future.

I shared with GK what I learnt from my time with adeline, about the whole idea of a relationship and the intricacies of it. I told him that I know I really like her but now it is apparent to me, that unless she is willing to put her share into believing in a future with me, I will not get along with her. Its nice to hear  that he understands where I am coming from, and He told me that recently he is considering of going after a few girls. However, deep down inside, He felt that there is some kind of barrier and the intuition that both of them won't be able to work it out. He says maybe he haven't meet the right person. I nodded in agreement, I told him that I don't really know whether adeline is the one because for all I know, it might be someone else. So to GK, I said that I believe that we will be able to meet that someone who is a good fit for us and like what his friend says, its won't be difficult to like that person and do things for them de.

Its really pretty heartening to know that I am able to help GK find his inner peace and that he don't feel clouded by his anxiety to be in a relationship le.

During the cafe hopping period, I kept asking them about how will they see themselves in 5 years time. Along the way back with GK, I was telling him that I want to at least be able to pat myself in 5 years time and says" Eugene,not bad...maybe you are not where you want to be, but there have been significant improvements". Now turning 25, I looked back at what I envisioned myself when I was 20. I felt that I couldn't really do that, I am not saying that I am not happy with where I am now..but I felt that it could have been better. I could have left iras 2 years back, passed my cfa and done more investments. Thats my motivation in moving forward, everyday is towards a destination where I can say" Well done, Eugene...well done". I also said that I am glad that I broke up with adeline, because this broke up made me see that I had been so preoccupied with the relationship that my life was on hold for so long. A relationship should never ever make one stop living, rather it should propel one even further in life. So, again I am thankful that it happened.

To end it off, Positive and Sincere feelings will always light up the best possible path.

Days

I really really love this poem structure from Samantha...really, the day she coined it, it has always been stuck pretty firmly in my life.

Some days I felt that the world is a very cruel place.
Some days I experienced the goodness from people.
Some days I miss the feelings and touch.
Some days I appreciate her presence.
Some days I worry for the future.
Some days I laugh and enjoy the present.
Some days I hated the rain.
Some days I acknowledged the rain, for without it, I wouldn't realise sunshine.

Every day I believe that I am blessed and grateful for everyone that walked in my life. The ones that taught me love,camaraderie,wisdom and reality.

To be able to feel again

I guess my insomnia and stress kind of stopped yesterday, and all of the sudden sleep debt just came falling down on me. Work was tough since I keep wanting to sleep, felt a bout of dizziness in the late afternoon. Took a rest and it was nice of Fengtian( a new tco) to check on how I was. The night before, went out with adeline for dinner and all. Its very normal, but there were a lot more communication between us than before. We also manage to horse around in the MRT on the train back, she allowed me to be really close to her, like touching her face and hair and all. Of course, our sms conversations were much better as compared to the past. I began to let go a lot of things that I expect her to do everytime, though yesterday, I did ask her to let me know when she reached home. She still replied me when she reached home with more aplomb than previous situations. So its pretty good so far. I am not in the illusion that this will mean anything and all, because I did fall back to my emotions and ask her for a hug at the end on tuesday, which she refused. I did apologized for it, and just texted her for awhile.

I guess her presence so far, make me feel at least more comforting for now. Anws, currently, its just me rediscovering and just enjoy her company which I wasn't able to do in the past. And I guess she is also having a tough time. On my part, I know what I want, so definitely I am not going to do anything until there is improvement.

In any case, this episode really push my mental health to the limits. I don't have the capacity to say that everything is now good and all, but I feel a whole lot clearer and positive than the previous 2 weeks back. I went through a lot of mental torture and exercises. Morning and Night was a torture initially, soon it became just the morning. These days, its not so much, for some reason, I don't feel the past anymore. In fact, I don't really wish to. For now I believe that the present is more important and learn to look forward to the future with a pair of optimistic eyes.

I have been actively running or rather exercising and been reading books. Learn about meditation, about being mindful and being grateful to a lot of things in life. To cultivate more positive feelings, rather than feeding the monsters inside. I am lucky to been through to various interviews though it does sucks cuz its one too many. Haha...but I guess like all relationships, its just one step closer to the one that is right for me.

I began to really be thankful for my friends around me. Met up with Jolene recently, told her everything, she provided her perspective and all. I told her about the notion of "5 people you meet in heaven". Sometimes, before you can go to heaven, one will have to meet up with some people first. Its nice to hear from her again,  I am happy for her in that she found someone new and that she is coping well with her ex problems. Finally, she is grown up in some ways, but there were still some instances which I can still see the old JO in her. haha...I told her about how I am really grateful for my friends around me, especially the ones who have bear with me, and listen to me, scolded me, encouraged me and just being there. She says I sounds old. I chuckled for though thats the last thing I want to hear from anyone, but I don't link being old with being grateful for your friends around you. Neither do I feel that I gained anything in maturity. Its just that as one progresses, one began to really appreciate the intangibles in life. And, my friends are my pillars of my life.

Saw a tweet posted by yus mei, decided to check on her. Its nice to hear that she appreciates me asking on her well-being. And it really does makes my day. I am glad I can be of some help to someone. Even if its just one person.

Thank you all for being there,then and now

Today played ball with the bball gang today. Its been almost a year without balling, so its pretty good to be back on the court. Though without johnny, we were pretty lost and eventually we went back to jon's basic tactics that he instils in us over 4 years. After that we went for drinks at a kopitiam and eventually had lunch, we literally stayed around till 3 before leaving.

We basically talked about everything under the sun. Like dreams for business, our past, the future and cracked lame jokes around. Its really damn reassuring for some reason, its like..hmm...this is really my true friends. My group of friends that I have grown up with, some for as long as 14 years already. For the first time, I felt really blessed with these guys. I guess some friends don't have to be in the know about everything that happen in one's life, but their presence for so long in your life, does give you the feeling like " Hey, I am home".  I suddenly feel that I don't feel so sianz about life a bit, like I can smile from the bottom of my heart kind of feeling. Ren was really nice when he says that they are always nearby, and when if ever I am bored or what, they will always try to meet up if possible. So, I am really grateful for them.

 For some reason, this friendship and feeling of truly blessed, manage to fill up the hole made by adeline a little bit. Samantha was right a couple of days ago. If adeline really cared for me, she would be ok to meet either sam or the guys. I mean even if she is shy, but I would really want my partner to meet them, because they are my core friends in life, and they are equally important as well. But, I am not going to blame adeline for all the stuffs that happen and all. Anyway, I am also at fault for some stuff. Negative feelings never bring me to any places de, its only the positive ones that will light up the way.

 Unfortunately Sam, I am not going to retract what I told adeline. However, I can assure you that I won't put myself in such a painful relationship again. So believe me Sam, that is all I ask of you. I doubt I will woo her again though I told her that I might, however at least not in these few months, but I will still have her in my life.

Wild night...

Yesterday, went out with the Princess Gang for dinner. Had our usual korean bbq at chinatown there. Then after that we just hang around with Ben and his friends at a cuban cigar bar. Following which we made our way down to clarke quay to eat my favourite Haato Ice Cream. Then Tracy, starts to gian clubbing and try to make me go and club with her. Did put in some serious thought though, but I remembered a conversation about clubbing with Sam that I had, and I decided that I rather go with ren,jon they all better...cause I think they more wen....with tracy, its pretty wild in my honest opinion. So when I decided not to go, tracy was pretty stoned and jianyang was like indifferent as per normal because he will never go club de.

So we decided to take a walk to waste time, anyhow walk here and there, den decided to go to FIVE Izakaya bar near raffles place there. Was wondering whether to grab beer again but I suddenly thought of the 4 bottles of beer I had the day before with Samuel and GK. Decided against it. So Tracy, being Tracy, saw the cheap alcohol and I said why not have shots since I saw a couple having tequila shots, obviously its game on. She suggested like mixing shots and beer together or something...I was like mad girl. But, eventually I told her we just order all the 6 different shots from vodka to gin to whisky. JY ended up drinking a bottled water which is super ex...poor soul. So the shots came, tracy paid for it. So seperate the glasses and off we go, as we down 3 shots each. Tracy by now is a bit high, as she started to sing and talk loudly. She dared me to try bacardi 151 and the way she says its damn potent. I look at the price I thought twice. But since she demanded me to pay 50% of the drinks bill, I was like oks so why not another round of 6 shots plus the bacardi. Came and off we go again, this time I can feel a bit high and tracy starts to grab my phone and anyhow message in our group chat. I grab hers and start spamming as well. JY was like complaining and asking ben to come over to save him from both of us. After that, got another round of bacardi shot again. This time I know I am high but I am also quite sober about things. Tracy on the other hand, totally went high but she knows what she is doing though I have to say...she never really think it through liao. Her friend told her that she have a handsome friend waiting to be introduce to tracy at the club. JY and me were like please go...cuz JY wants to go home and I dont really want to get a cab. So Tracy came between me and JY and pat our shoulders and says that she have 2 handsome guys here liao, don't need to go club. JY and me stared at each other...haha

Then, at the same time, I realise tracy starts to hang very near to me, I am quite sensitive when people comes within my personal zone, and she was like really near and looking at me. I can't remember what I type in the chat ...but I am quite sure we were flirting a little around with each other. After I settle the bill, which in my opinion its pretty painful, we decided to send tracy to the club since she decided to go. She can't really walk normally and I also feel a bit light headed-ness as well. So I started to tease her and all, she also start to grab me by arm and lean against me. After awhile her friend called, and she started talking damn loudly again...JY and me start to converse and by then I was much more awake and sober le...We happened to bump into JY's friend,Jin, and then Tracy starts to speak loudly and asking why his name is Jin. JY and me were horrified. I pulled her back and say that she is a bit high and all. After that, she started to climb on this pole near the river edge...I damn stunned! Obviously no way she can balance de, I immediately grab her hand but she still fell. I think its not that bad, since I managed to hold her. Though she still suffer a blue black eventually. After that we kept hanging damn close to each other, and she grabbing my arm all the way to REBEL. Finally met up with her friend, and JY and me were kinda relieved though. Tracy started trash talking to JY and he was like whatever...lolz. After that, she suddenly turn around and hug me and start pulling me to join her for clubbing. I rejected her. Asked her friend to take care of her will do. Then JY and me went to grab NR buses home.

Along the way home, the alcohol starts to take effect le...7 shots...super light head on the bus. Managed to reach home, shower and den KO. Morning woke up, and was like wtf just happened. I remembered about people telling me about guys treating girls drinks...and I also realised that I was doing the same with Tracy. Of course it was fun, like all of a sudden, a girl starts to be physically close to you and all. Can suddenly understand all the dynamics of stuff. Thought of Adeline, whether she also like that. Naturally, felt a bit sad about it. But that thought didn't last long.

All in all, felt nice to be able to let loose yet at the same time, I start to see that once damn high, its pretty much a slippery slope once you have fallen. Lucky JY was there, for I know, if he is not, I might have just gone a little too far. Because he is there, so I kept talking to him and able to focus on him besides Tracy. Its like a bit of the play play nia and no feelings involve de...those kind of things..

Help

Just now saw Adeline's tweet about her phone being cui...and all, so I think its a natural reaction I went to fb msg her on how her phone is and advice her on what to do. I offer her my help if she needs to transfer files tmr. Then, suddenly, a thought popped up in my head " Why the fuck do you have to care for her?"...I stopped for awhile. However, the next reaction that came up was...Help her. I don't really understand why, but immediately, after that, I felt a wave of relief. Maybe its really the notion of " Good will be rewarded with Good". I know that I still want to help her in anyway that I can, but I also know the notion that I don't want her to so call to take advantage of me, and I know that deep down, I am not hoping for anything. Really. I know it may sounds hard to believe, but I know that feeling. Because I had that feeling before with Samantha back in the past, when I still want to be the same to her, the person that she can rely because I wanted her to see that there is this guy there who is willing to do anything for her. Overtime, its such a stupid hope to hang on to.

I care for Adeline, and during those times where we were together, I knew that was what I wanted at that point of time. However, my gut feeling tells me that I shouldn't treat everything that I had undergo and all the struggles that I faced as a negative thing, like she is the cause of everything. Like to all the girls that I really gave my heart to, I will still help them if they need me, be it a listening ear or if life is not treating them well, if the situation allows, I will still go all out to help them. Because at the end of the day, whether a not they deserve my help or not, but they will always a place in my heart, and regardless of anything, I will do my utmost best to help them.

Recently, I have this thinking that I should try to get back together to with her. However, my rational side was strongly against it, and my irrational side keeps pushing me towards it. But just now, when I decided to help her, I don't want her to depends so much on me. I would not accept her unless I am positive that she wants this relationship for what it is and not due to dependence. Of course, I know my irrational side wants me to get back, because of the idea of still being in a r/s, the hugs and her touches. And then the false hope that everything will still be able to work out at the end. During my run today, I even had thoughts of not giving up and continue to woo her. But at the end, I deemed that as the easy way out. And usually, the easy way out, is always and normally the worst choice to make.

I guess this is what most philosophers meant when to love, there is no space for the negative. And that love takes many forms. Like my love for sam for example. So when I see it that way for adeline, I don't feel so tense and sad anymore.

Somehow, this train of thought calms me down.

Despair which ended up in Clarity

Yesterday, had a chat with my sister. Somehow, after all the advices, taunts and consolations from people, I guess my sister's words are surprising good and pretty much what I perceived and comfortable with. Maybe its due to always after the hearing everything, and eventually, maine is someone that kinda like gives me a summary or a matter-of-factly replies.

Actually, yesterday had a long...well long compare to the conversations that I had with adeline since we broke up. She was at counter and replied to my tweet..invited me to go over to her booth and take a taiyangbing from her. I steeled myself the whole time, because I know deep down my emotions are stirring up, so I put on a mask and just act nonchalant about things. We had casual chat, and friendly banter. After work, I went to look for her again and helped her to fixed her phone. Took about 30 minutes to do so. At times, she will be near me to see what I was doing on her phone due to her privacy screen, but generally I avoided long eye contact with her. At the end, arranged a dinner date with her in 10 days time. Walked past Rachel's booth, after that went back to her booth to confirm my schedule for next week. She asked whether we were back together, I said nope. Friends? I guess so ...ending with a sigh. Rach, was like just suan le lor.

Evening went to catch a movie with huiyi, told her about it as well. And huiyi, was like saying maybe her character is like that etc etc, which was my reasonings for everything that adeline did in the past. So it got me thinking whether there is still a chance that we can get back together, whether should I try again...So, again my thoughts overwhelmed me and its not helped by the fact that adeline later msg me to ask me about her phone again. She was out late with tricia and gang , but I think 3 weeks of not bothering to know about her life kinda like makes me don't really bother about her being out anymore. Didnt reply back to her when she replied that she will settle on her own and wish me nights.

So at the end of this, I decided to talk with my sister. I rarely talk HTHT with maine. Only if its really dire, because my sis have quite a wealth of experience in this and besides, I guess how we approach things in life is pretty much the same. So I told maine everything, the struggles I faced with adeline, the communication issues, how the r/s was under wraps on her side and eventually how I just kinda ran out of gas. Also, with the wave of thoughts of wanting to get back. Maine listened and tells me a lot of things.

She told me like how her r/s with ivan in the past was also the same as mine. Everytime something serious was brought up, both our partners just have no response, and no feedback or whatsoever. Maine said its really bad , it just shows that there is a communication breakdown. And I told maine about the vibes of not being loved and all, and that its really hard for me to continue and we both agree that it takes 2 hands to clap.

Maine said that she believes that every failed r/s is just a step towards the one r/s that will stick. I agreed with her though I cannot see it at this point of time. She said that by now, I should have actually know what sort of traits I truly want in a partner. I told her yeah, its much clearer to me now then in the past. Initially, I used to doubt my expectations in a r/s, I wanted just 2 things, Communication and Trust. I didn't get both in the end, because of the lack of communication between us. Maine also feels that adeline is not matured yet and a lot of things how she handles were not proper and well...I guess mature way of doing things. Maine says that she feels that adeline also never put in her best in the r/s because she is not really want to change and invest time and effort in it. She attributed it to the fact that she don't know what she wants and that her feelings for me were not enough. She quote an example was that she used to thought she gave a lot when with Ivan, but now with Han, she was able to change more...change her mindset because she really wants to be with Han. So she feels that if adeline wants the r/s, she will do that.

She feels that me and adeline issues are way too fundamental already, unless she makes the effort to want to be in this r/s or communicate better, if not, the same issues will happen again. She like sam feels that I should maintain a distance away from adeline for a while, she gave a 6 months period...which I personally felt was pretty long. I don't know what my condition for me when I meet adeline for dinner, but, I guess no matter what. I guess its better if I let it go, because like what maine says when she asked me to fixed her phone, you are just a "convenient friend", she also admit that she did that in the past. Which reminds me of zhenni did in the past as well. Really sucks to actually know the truth.

In conclusion, Maine says that eventually will be able to find someone de, and that once step into the working world, the girls mentality are slightly more mature. I said she worked for 2 years and same age, funnily, maine said that maturity doesn't come with age. haha...which is kinda true. Interestingly, she also brought up the issue of upbringing and  background, she asked me can I see myself being with this person's life. I told her when I compared my core friends to her friends around her, its really different. She says that couples can be different, like really have a lot of differences in life. However, deep down, the core values have to be more or less the same. Because ultimately, the core values cannot be changed de. Even if were to get married in the future, this are the reasons why affairs happens.

So after this talk with maine, I kinda know what I should do though for now every morning is a constant battle against my emotions. And for some reason, I am having insomnia again...like sleeping for just 4 to 5 hours only...hopefully, the situation will improves bah.

One door closes for another to begin

Hmm...sorry for not blogging for a very long time. Well, to let you guys know the truth, I think slowly I won't be blogging much in the future. Except maybe for things that I want you people to know or something like that...But, here is a very special place for me. It holds my past, my feelings, my struggles and memories. I am sorry that maybe some of you will find that I might be more distant in the future due to this...though in actual fact, there are not many of you who read this blog.

I am switching back to a more primitive way, writing a journal. It has been a very very long time since I last wrote a journal entry. The last time I wrote was due to Samantha's rejection. And ironically, this time that I am restarting again is due to adeline and me breaking up. Well, I guess its always the painful thing that gets me going, hur? However, recently, I felt that writing gives me more of a calming perspective on things as I tend to ponder longer before I write unlike blogging, which I can delete anytime that I want.

Of course, I will still maintain this blog, because I guess maybe its still an avenue for some of you people and my way of maintaining that connection with you guys. Especially for those that I rarely meet and all.

Over these past 2 weeks, everyday I kept thinking about adeline, about us, about my past, my future and all the steps that I should approach life. Looking back at my 24 years, I have been through quite a couple of stuffs, to me its significant at least, I know my life would have been a whole lot of difference had I chose other options in the past. And I strongly believe that really everything had happened was for a reason, and there is a role for everyone who had entered my life. Especially these 3 whom I love dearly.

Samantha taught me that somewhere out there, a truly pure and wonderful friendship is possible. The level where we had absolute faith in each other even if we are on different levels in life. Most importantly, the lesson on letting go. And the feeling that no matter where I am, or what I am facing, there will always be someone who will be there for me, to comfort me and calm me down.

Zhenni taught me that being positive is the way to live and she was the one that introduce me to the various philosophies and thoughts in life. She is the one that somehow will always have a smile on her face, and someone whom I can speak my mind freely and share the same thoughts with.

And for my dear Adeline, for she taught me a lot on tolerance, strength and the ability of really loving someone. She showed me what I wanted in a partner, things that I come to accept/ not accept and on the security of another. I also learnt that maybe I was too rushed, and that I was not steady and strong as I thought I was. Eventually, my intuition won at the end. When you really found that someone, it won't be that strenuous on the mind and heart, its like....one will know when something doesn't fit you and yet you still force yourself to carry on.

People tells me that I should not be crazy and cause more hurt to myself especially when these girls reject you and all...and its not in a ideal/nice way ...and the way they handle also. But, I guess its just me, but for all 3 of them, even when things don't end up how I wanted to be. I still love them, really I do...and that explains why I never push them away from my life. Adeline might be the only one that I won't be able to keep close contact with unlike sam and zhenni because our differences are too large and interests are way different. However, I believe that we will still meet every now and then over a dinner or pancakes.

For her, I sincerely hoped that she will be able to find someone that she really love and that she is sure about her heart. For far too long, I always felt that she doesn't know what she wants in life, except to take things as it comes. Well, but its not always a bad thing as she had shown me. Hopefully she will be able to find that someone that she can open her heart and insecurities to.

I am not going to say that I have totally recover. I think such stuffs will prove themselves in the long run rather than me proclaiming it. Right now, I am trying to improve myself, as a person and cultivating the paradigm of moving forward. I seriously don't really know what's in store for me in the future. Will I be rich as I hope for, will I lose my soul in this society, will I regret what I didn't do in life? For the moment, I just have a very simple goal. Which is to make everyday counts, as if its my last. Be it in my interactions with friends and family, be it at work ...or maybe as being able to smile everyday.

It's times like these where I feel at peace.