Purpose

Was reading the book titled " Life Without Limits" by Nick Vujicic. There was a chapter about Nick riding the waves even though he has no limbs and that he kept trying without ever giving up. Finally, he managed to catch not 1 but many subsequent waves. Anything is possible.

Now a couple of days after my CFA, I am still feeling a little lost and that I crave for that feeling of working for something. The feeling of sacrificing things for that purpose, even though I have no clue whether it is worth the sacrifice. Will I be able to make it if I sacrifice ? Am I sacrificing just for my ego ? Should I give up now ?

All these thoughts bombard me while I was studying and I learnt how to forget these emotional thoughts and bring myself back to the present. Which was to finish this chapter practice. Just finish it. Very soon, I was slowly consumed by the paper, my purpose was for the paper. Everyday, I wake up, my purpose was to study and practice so that I can pass. That's basically my entire week schedule when I took leave to study. My life is for that purpose.

I guess looking back now , it does sounds extreme but I know that I had done amazing things and overcame things in my life because I was all in. I do not believe I have any special innate talent, I only know hard work and throughout my life, whenever, I meet with tough times or situations, is down to my perseverance and hard work that got me thorough. I remember that I had to go thru 15 interviews and put myself in difficult situations. It probably was not that many to some and I am sure out there, there were people who went more. To me, I was despondent after my 13th interview and it kind of hit me whether I am meant for the financial industry. I could have taken a sales based job but that's not what I wanted then. I still recalled that night, I was rejected again and also during that time I was trying to handle my emotions because of Adeline. I broke down in front of Buddha and I prayed. I prayed that I will get passed this and I felt a strange yet strong feeling of rebellion in me. I am not going to be beaten down like this, I must get into a bank no matter what. I will send more resumes, I will keep trying.

Just like CFA, I have my down moments. No one will know the mental fights that I have to go thru everyday, probably because I have a very active emotional mind that I am constantly fighting especially when i am very prone to be lazy or just slacking and daydream. When it all ended, I felt lost yet I felt good as well, its over, I have no regrets. And now I crave for the time that when I had a purpose.

A purpose is truly what drives one person to do things, regardless the methods, all in to achieve that.

Aftermath of a Battle

I came tottering out of the battlegrounds. Eyes blurry from the constant battering of the debris of war. Initially, I had thought we had an upper hand at the beginning half of the battle. But the enemy came back stronger in the second half. There were some damage done at the beginning of the second half and some were cause of ill preparation. I secretly hope that none of the damage was cause of complacency or silly mistakes ...good lives were lost for some battles. But it is over. I think I came out feeling that I had left everything out there and there is none for me to give le. Until the dust have settled and the damage counted , will I know my fate.

I was pretty much in the zone, even now , after leaving the battlefield, I begin to wonder what had  happened. It's like I lived pretty much for this battle and now I am readjusting back to civilian life.

It's a battle I had fought twice and this time I think I manage to come out and say that I have no regrets. I don't have a particular exuberant joyful feeling nor a defeated feeling. I felt pretty Zen and am also surprised to be like that. In any case, this is the final one . In a way, my mugetsu.

I am glad I gave pretty much my all for this battle. Finally, after 4 years and 2 tries, I can be accountable to myself that I leave the battlefield knowing that I have left everything out there.