Reality Check

Yesterday, went for a bbq session with the 4E1 gang. There is visibly fewer guys this year, since most went overseas for exchange and stuff. But nonetheless, its still great fun hanging out with each other. You know...reality really hits you when you realise that topics changed as the years flows by. Initially we were like girls, army and clubbing...but yesterday was like CPF, job security and final year grades.How time flies sia...

Well, its not necessary a demoralising thought, but...well maybe its a wet blanket in the sense that there is so many factors of life that one has to consider and how nice if we could truly chase after things that really matters to us, rather than due to survival and commitments, we had to conform.

Yan cong was talking to me again about finding a job now and that instead of internships that I am currently aiming, I should trying to get a full time one. But, I didnt want to start in 2012, partly its also due to Master Lynn advice. I pointed out an observation to him about him and the rest of us. I told him that SMU kids always seems to emphasis on "selling" their resumes and stuff, u knw...like chiongsters ttm and I told him that NTU/NUS kids are more chill and they dont put that much thought into the chionging part, or in a way to "monetise" their CVs. SIM? ha...I think most of us just dont even bother too much about it...I guess even the most guai ones are more concerned with grades rather, of course, this is not true across the board hur.

Everytime I meet up with them, kinda give me a reality check every time. And thoughts flow through my mind, like I REALLY got to chiong and in some ways sell myself out to the world.I guess maybe my core friends aren't really like YC they all...but imho, i agree with YC. Because at the beginning, I am already at a disadvantage. Yes, it might sounds self defeating and all, but its kinda the fact. What I do with this fact that will make it a propellent rather than a weight. Seeing how both LY n zhenni struggle to find jobs, further enhanced this point. And with most companies expected a downturn next year, so jobs market will definitely suffer, hence my initial plan is to chill and try to learn new skills or get more "ammo" on my resume. Hopefully, able to attain a job in 2013 instead.

well maybe its a wet blanket in the sense that there is so many factors of life that one has to consider and how nice if we could truly chase after things that really matters to us, rather than due to survival and commitments, we had to conform.


the above words are from the 1st paragraph if you guys didn't notice..lol..but anws, I guess that it kinda sums up my outlook or rather should I say about life. And thats I guess, deep down is my ultimate goal. One of the few reasons of me chasing and learning about trading and finance is because I want to take money off my plate, so that I can enjoy the other food. When is it enough? I also don't know, but at least enough for me to not be a slave to it.


I shall stop here, hopefully this will push me on. So to you guys, lets keep on fighting for the things we truly want. HWAITING!=)

Bad mood day...

Think today I woke up on the wrong side of the bed...feeling so emo nemo..nt wanting to do anything, a bit edgy as well...haiz...snap out of it..snap out of it

You Are The Apple of My Eye

Yesterday went to catch this movie with cat, there has been a lot of fanfare regarding this film. Well, as usual I dont keep my expectations too high de..cuz its a coming of age film, and siriously..oops i meant seriously, i watch quite a couple of such show le.haha.

But, I have to say its a really entertaining show..def. not in the kind of WOW WOW level for me, if the show aims to come across as a romance show, I would say...its pretty cui. But, since its based on a true story to a large extent, naturally it will be a bit dan...well cuz reality is always diff from dramas. The show definitely done its job by hitting on the nostalgic part in all of our souls( evident by the crowds frequent cheers and laughters at key points).

As I told cat, many of the stuff the show portrayed, I had encountered quite a couple though definitely nt as flamboyant as in the show itself, but somewhere around there lor. It definitely give me the"啊，那些年的事。。。“ The stuff my schoolmates did in school and the crap we had and the fun we played on the teachers...heehee

Then, the portion of the romance part..well...its definitely a jump back to the past. The times when you fall  in love for the first time, the pure innocent times, the childish feelings that one has, the unwavering concern for that person even though she is not yours..haha...ah those times...

Falling back to reality, it does bring me to this conclusion...wo lao le!!!!....ahhh...

Self Condemnation

Yesterday, jianyang brought up a very good topic about self condemnation. Let me put it in layman words, its when one feel/condemn themselves to a certain level. The perfect opposite to self condemnation is a phrase that  I could think of. If you think you are zai, you are zai. Simple. Its all in the mind. And maybe thats why Christianity has a quote about nt self condemning thyself. I ask him what about laziness, is it in someway self condemning as well? He reply tht I am nt  lazy..lolz...of cuz, if comparatively to him.

But what I am most interested in, is how to get oneself to take the first step and work towards the goal. For example, studies...when I see QF, I am rather turn off by it and dont want to pick up the books liao. And then, various things just appear in my mind..like all the psychology thingy abt hw to push oneself, etc etc. See, the problems of over self-analysing...LOL

I guess the most important thing or rather the most essential thing is always always have a positive mindset and I think..roughly about 50% of problems will be solved automatically. Because I feel that we tend to always associate negative emotions with certain actions and in turn it will just turn us away from them. Like wad JY said, dont be so hard on yourself, maybe I should change my thinking and start taking baby steps. Seems like after so many years, this problem just doesnt goes away does it?..haha

Hope that someone dont lose herself in the messy and agitated situation she is in. The world is like the 5 tastes, it can be ugly but at the same time, there are other tastes out there, so dont be suck into the notion that the world is only a few tastes. Similarly, vice versa.

SIBEI SLACK

Seriously, I think I am really damn slack liao...come on eugene, got to start the ball going and moving...i guess will pick up the books tml den..lolz

魚躍在花見

Kinda like this show a lot...of course 80% is due to sashimi and sushi...and boy the sushi looks UBER OISHI...haha...I always got something for fishy stuff de...hehe...looking at the maguro, salmon and the other kinds of fish always get me high de. Anws, the soundtrack is also not bad. 

Just now, caught the last episode just now. And I kinda like wad Julian's character said about fishing. He was emo-ing and liken fishing to life. 

"Fishing is like Life. If you cast the net, you may catch a little fish or you may catch a whole school. However, if you don't cast the net at all, you will definitely catch no fish."

The Final Journey

The last night of the wake, I stayed awake the entire night. Making sure that cats dont go near the coffin and making sure the joss sticks are still burning. There are times where I will be stoning around and wrestle with notions about death,time, rituals,pride and the realities of the world. The following morning, we did the last rites,and just at the last moments, a moth came down and circle around us. From my eldest cousin to my youngest uncle and finally landed on my eldest uncle head. Now some of you guys may not buy it, but my family firmly believes that my ah gong came back as a moth. Then it was time for sending the coffin off, it drizzles slightly, and we walk with the coffin and my dad and uncles pushes the van. My dad started crying loudly, and my other uncles started sobbing, but by then, the moth had already flown away. It was a silent ride to Mandai Crematorium, held a last ritual and then we went to the viewing room where the coffin was sent to the burning area. Everyone cried and sobbed...and then we went back before heading back to Mandai again to collect the ashes. And to place it at the tablet located in one of the blocks. During the transferring process of the remains to the urn, all of us had to take a piece of his remains and place it inside. And when there is not enough space, the shi fu use a pounder to pound the remains into smaller pieces. After that, we took the urn to the final resting place, and did the last rituals and all. And thats the end.

Therein ends a man's life. The final closure of a person's stay on earth and to wherever the next realm is.For the living? Its a time to mourn, to reflect to cherish and to acknowledge something that is known as mortality.

The Wake

The next day morning, I went for my NIKE run...I guess I need to exercise so to calm myself a little. Some ask me why I still ran, and truth be told, I was slightly afraid of people saying that I wasnt doing the right thing because my grandfather just passed away and I straight away resume my normal life. In any case, I still ran. Lather that day, the family went down and change into the funeral clothes and were given a crash course of the rites we needed to do.

Sometimes, I had to burn the paper money for 4 hrs alone with the coffin beside me, my mind tends to wander and of course, the incense can be rather hypnotic as well...and initially, its kinda freaky. But, I just kept on doing and tried not to think so much. My eldest cousin, ran most of the show as he has experience before over at his maternal side,  so it wasnt too bad. I rmbr when I was young, I had attended my great grand parent wake as well and being ever timid, I was really afraid of funerals. And now, I am the one who am more involved in the rites and stuff, kneeling in front of well wishers, folding the paper money, burning them making sure the joss stick is always lit and the incense.

Last day of the wake, so I didnt went during the day as I had school, only maine was with my parents as ernest had exams as well. Evening, we went down and participate in the last rites as well as the burning of the paper house and stuff. These few days of the wake, I observed that funerals in some ways like a mini gathering where relatives pop by and kinda re-acquainted with each other, chatting and catching up with each other. Where friends came down to accompany the family members. Chatted with my cousin, whom we are not very close, as we only see each other once a year...yeap you guessed it, CNY. Didnt managed to strike a convo with my eldest cousin, just the younger one who is of similar age with ernest. So at least, there were some exchange of words and thoughts, as well as to be able to know abt her.

During the rites, I noticed that there were some roles where the eldest of the grandchildren had to fulfilled and I thought to my maternal side. I am not insinuating here bt my popo whom I am also very close to, is also roughly ard the same age of my ah gong. And this time, I was afraid of taking up any responsibilities and stuff, so I kinda want to prepare myself. Nonetheless, I had a sudden urge to spend more time with my popo, because time is not on my side now.

The last night, I didnt sleep and spend the night at the wake, playing monopoly deal with ernest and my younger cousin, making sure that what need to be done is done, making sure no cats nearby. Sometimes when everyone else is asleep, I am the only one awake and I just walk ard the void deck.Soon day breaks.

The Passing

I don't really know where to start, but I will try to have a comprehensive and details of my thoughts and observations over the past few days. As some of you may know, my grandfather had just passed away on last saturday. Its actually pretty mentally as well as physically taxing and draining to say the least. His passing was really out of a sudden from my POV, friday my family went out for a sumptuous dinner and the next day, we got news that my grandpa was in hospital due to heart failure. After my morning lesson, I went back and my Dad told us to head down to the hospital as most probably its the last time already. I wasn't that close to my grandfather due to an incident that I happened to witness and till this day I still rmbered it. So I thought I will not be so affected by it. Upon reaching the hospital, looking at all the tubes and machines being attached to my grandfather, then I felt the realities of death. He is already in coma when I reached there, Ah ma ask my sis and me to call out to him, speaking in hokkien, she told him that we were there, i called out once Ah gong, the second time, I choked and started tearing....she ask him to wake up, there was slight increase in blood pressure or pulse when we called out to him...seems that he can still hear us but he can't respond. The next 4 hrs, he experience 6 more times of heart failure, and the docs say that they had already done whatever they could....

Ah ma went home as she didnt want to stay there and see. My eldest uncle went back with her. Ard 6.20 pm, we went in and surround him, by then my other cousins had already arrive as well, we didnt knw what to say, there were silence among us as well as the constant sobbing sounds. Its really...heart wrenching, when we saw the pulse or blood pressure kept decreasing...60..14...11...eventually zero and the one straight line comes out. Then the adults left the ICU to handle the necessary procedures, leaving us..the grandchildren alone behind. We were silent throughout, and just look at him, each of us absorbed in our thoughts. I thought back everything and tried to see if I can recollect any memories of my Ah Gong besides that incident, I recalled some recollections when I was still young and he will bring me around the neighbourhood, speaking english to me as he is english educated unlike my maternal side.Before he got dementia, he will always be reading the papers in the morning while I would be eating my maggie mee with ernest or maine beside me. Then he will go out to central for his daily roamings, there was a few times where I bump into him at the interchange and say hi. Sometimes, I would avoid him...I dont knw...I guess its the youth period bah. I prayed during that silent period, when my mum came in and said its over and thats the end.

All 3 of us were tearing and sobbing, as I left the ICU, I saw young kids running around.Truly the hospital where life begins and where life will ends.

Thinkings of being a Singaporean

Today, I spent most of the day reading on LKY's Hard Truths. The latest book that he decided to comes out. Truthfully, the reason why I chiong, its because I still have a couple of other books at hand I borrowed and hadn't got a chance to read. I just finally completed in an hr ago.Just a note of disclaimer here, I don't want to be misquoted or something, I am not a PAP supporter or something, I just have a certain set of beliefs that I subscribed thats all.

I used to think LKY is some kind of hard-nosed chap, someone like a Winston churchill character, you know, a mythological icon,  the guy that created this country...etc etc. I knew how we Singapore progresses through time, all these from social studies and all though brain washing NE lessons.And seriously, this is my first LKY book I ever read, though all along my mum is an LKY supporter, but she never like forced me to read his stuffs.

Its only after this year elections, that got me worried as well as started a thirst in me to learn more about our country, how the system here works which is extremely important to me. Furthermore, international accolades had always been flowing all over the world about this guy, so i infer that hey, he is gotta be of some value, some stuff that is worth listening to him, if not why everyone in this world want a piece of him.

I am and had always believed in one thing. That is, one's life is dependent on oneself, and on no one else, not even the government.Maybe I am lucky because I lead a life where I am not exposed to a lot of harsh realities.However, I observed how and why some of my friends are really successful and others who are just stuck or worse, living a low quality kind of life. I read many biographies about successful people, went to listen to adam khoo seminar. And like what I had been saying for some time, it all boils down to DRIVE of each individual human. I like this example given by LKY, its that there is a doctor, whom rent out a part of his apartment to a china student. This foreigner knew that she had to work hard and master english if not she cant survive the system here, this girl being of 14 or 15 years old, would set up a canvas ard her and bought a light bulb so that she wouldnt disturb the doc's daughter sleep and study till 3 plus. The daugher saw this and finally understood why the chinese are always getting 1st in exams. Eventually, she also push herself and get frequent numero uno and all. 

I am not saying that foreign talent is good or anything but I feel that if we want foreign talent, we should not give them the option to come here and study, get the best of our edu system, and just go back to their motherland. And at the same time, wasting our resources like space and subsidies.If they want to come here, they have to be ready to make the commitment here. Cause I heard of many just came here and study then go back. 

Regarding on our government polices and  systems, I totally understand the certain and unique needs that our country is in, and thats why we require unorthodox as well as unpopular polices. I always believe in being a realist, to be pragmatic and thats how I view things in life. Unfortunately, we humans are all innately different and coupled that with different set of life changing situations that we each goes through, so our mindsets are quite different.

With respect to the GE this year, I was so perturbed by such a divide among us that I wanted to draft out an email and send straight to the PM's office because I was afraid of irrational people power. I am afraid that we will be heading down the road of countries whereby polices that had to be implemented but cannot be due to politics or being unpopular. On a sidenote, I also want to highlight the structural problems in management in civil sector and stuffs. I guess I was really afraid of losing this quality of life that we have now. 

Recently, read an article written by a former senior civil servant whom actually say that this GE is a wake up call and that he believes that the majority of the electorate are intelligent and can make the right choice.So in a way, WP knocking down a GRC is a good thing. Even LKY was rather nonchalent about the notion that one day the system will fall due to the new mindsets of the leaders. So, maybe I was just thinking too much of it.

Some arguements that I read about PAP and things and that, majority I felt that its really unfair and biased in some cases as well. When I was in taiwan, I discuss the political situation quite often with maine. Maine who had lived in taiwan for 6 months, felt that a lot of things we had taken for granted and she really felt grateful for the stuffs we had, it made a lot of sense. Some of my friends kept complaining about how bad SG is, but then why are ppl want to come here ? and why so many want to jump from PR to citizenship? Wont their children be facing the same kind of problem that current youngsters are facing as well? There got to be some reason behind this decision. So I guess there may be something that we are doing right here.

In anycase, enough about the politics stuff here, I think I had spent enough neurons and anxiety on it le. However, some thing that I had learnt was that as long as I have the drive and common sense, I should be able to excel and maximise my potential in this country. Its just all about how much I want something, is it so much that my life depends on it and whether I got the determination to make it work. One thing I have in admiration for LKY, was his drive and determination. I am seriously in awe at his characteristics, I mean this guy here could have been killed by communists, could have been wrong in his political decisions as well as his convictions. However, he pressed on and is f***** stubborn in his beliefs. And due to that we have what we have today. 

Even he said that he didnt wanted to enter politics, its just that he wanted stability in this country. And because of that, this country is born. I guess this latest book had been the most insightful for me to date. At least now I know what kind of guy he is and his train of thought. I guess most people will say this is propoganda and etc maybe it is maybe its not. I only look at the results and this systems works for us if not we wont be at this stage today. Ideologies and theories are just thinking that is set within a certain social parameters, its only when the results are the same as the forcasted results, then the theory is true. If not, it just remains a myth or should I say, a false hope. Just like the notion of UTOPIA. 

Singtel Singapore F1 Grand Prix

It had been an awesome weekend at the Singtel Singapore Grand Prix, maybe its the same thing that I had been through last year, so this time not so..hmm...as refreshing as last year? But nonetheless, its still enjoyable and adrenaline pumping with crushes to alguesari and schumacher this year, and as not surprisingly, vettel won. I am not sure, whether I will still be joining next year because I dont want to kenna the Observer post, as there is a lot of stress on observers. Hopefully, can still maintain my post as flag or track marshals. This year, we are also lucky to have a korean, and naturally, I communicate more with him but in english of course and not korean( still damn cui can)...haha. However, his english also rather limited but still able to hold conversations well enough.

One thing that strike me was that he was always commenting how well organised our planning is for F1 as well as that our city skyline is awesome, especially at night. The first few words that he said to me was how beautiful our country is. Being the skeptical singaporean, I thought its just probably lip service. However, the next few days as I spoke more to him, he was really quite in awe of our country. Maybe because he didnt have the chance to travel much. But, hearing abt how the koreans organise their grand prix, it seems that we are rather good. I told him, our procedures and stuff mainly comes from the SAF, as there are really quite a couple of stuffs that we do are similar to SAF procedures and methodology.

These are some of the few moments where I really felt really proud of being a Singaporean. I am really thankful for some of the policies that LKY and his team had implemented though its really stiffling at times, but I am sure without them, we won't be able to be where we are. And sadly, some of us forgets that. Oks this won't be abt politics and the gov. haha

Anws, will post the photos up once I collate them from my other sector mates. Oh and again this year concert with linkin park, was really AWESOME!!!!

1988 coin!!!!

This is pretty lame, but I suddenly realise that time flies...I just recently found a coin that is as old as I am!!!...a 23 year old coin!!!! congrats on making this far, coin, I am sure you had past through many hands and who knows you might even had the chance to make it over the seas!!...Realise that we two had many in common, we both survive 23 years and we both had our fair share of our experiences...lolz

In the space of 4 days, I realise that 2 guys are getting married already. One my age and the other at 26....Marriage...tht word seems so far-fetched to me, I am still enjoying my youth at the moment...cant see myself getting tied down siol...lol...but seriously, how time flies sia

Snail-Pace

This weekend had been a rather...hmm..or rather should I say uneventful weekend. Though ytd was great, hanging out at coffee bean and at CBD area with lappy....however one cannot felt but feel that it kinda gets lonely. Machiam like no programme de...haha

I dont feel like gaming nowadays...oh man...becoming old le, no interest in games liao...lolz...oh wells maybe I should go and do more training in another game call stock market...lolz..Oks i guess I am really bored...cuz my post also seems to be short....lolz

I think I should attached a list of things I want to do that is in my head currently

• Set up a foodie blog.
• A blog on stock markets and strategies
• a photo journal

Haha....but I am really kinda lazy to start moving....seriously...lol

Roaming The Island with my Portables

Ah yes...this is the life..haha. Currently at church street,CBD, there....at coffee bean, my book,using my phone's internet and laptop....with air con...shiok! This is the reason why I get this laptop...though i have to say it put kind of strain on my shoulder...but at 1.82kg, mai hiam lah..most avrg laptop weighs at 2.1 to 2.3 kg....which after awhile will be quite substantial lo.

ROAR!!!

Told cha I was bored...haha...experimenting with my webcam on my vaio=P

Yo..yo..

Well...decide to have some updates here.Been some time that I had blogged. Haha. Work at ENF as finally ended, kinda gonna miss the fun with the gang. So far, korean lessons had been fun, but the recent one got me rather stress siol...a bit cheem with the pronunciation and stuff. Well then, I also gotten a new laptop. A sony vaio SB series. Cost me 1.5K!!!!O.0..can feel the pain sia.But i guess its high time le...anws its less than 2kg, so its pretty portable lor...which suits me=)

Finally i can hit a goal of having a laptop wherever i am, be it starbucks or mac when i need time to myself, to read and surf the net.Ups lah.Well since i last stated that i am back to being a minimalist, i guess life has been rather cool to some extent. Have some new goals, and  there is still tht wee bit of motivation for me to go after them. Well, except this morning when I miss the AHM 10km...haha.

Nw at least i am back to having the kind of light feeling, the kind of "nt much burden" feeling lor. Though there are times of feeling a bit lost, but I guess its a good start. Trying to improve some aspects like speak without thinking and stuff...but overall, its good.=)

I am just wondering to keep on praising my new lappy..but i guess you peeps will be like STFU...haha...kks will upload pics soon...actly i wanted purple de, bt apparently out of stock, so left with the all black which is the next nicest liao.

Restarting as a Minimalist

Recently, I feel like I am pretty much like a paper floating with the wind. A lifeless, yet seem to be full of life object. An object that follows the wind(surroundings) direction, if the wind is super strong, the paper will bend and fold and unfold itself. Seems to be so full of life, yet at the same time, it seems that the paper has no will of its own.

I remember a phrase that says " In order to learn something, we have to unlearn things that we were taught". This phrase is not a phrase that is fully correct, well nothing is absolute in this world, ain't ? If it is, then naturally everything will happen as according to what it should be. However, we all live in our very own assumed worlds. We would expect certain things to be there, be it family members, loved ones, friends and even right down to our home. Lately, there has been a lot of things that  I had expected, its not wrong, in fact sometimes it is right. However, I always question myself whether the expectations that I expected is due to a result of false expectations. Due to the events that I had passed through in life, the ups and downs of my 23 years in earth, I had a certain mindset and a subconscious way to how I would react in my life. Maybe its because I had been too afraid, afraid of the future, afraid that eventually I would end up like some of my uncles.

There had been many a times when I feel scared/frustrated/angry/irritated/self-pity for myself. I think back of the past, what kind of person I am, the kind I am now, yes there had been many changes. There were good and bad. On reflection, I feel that I have more bad habits as compared to the past. Yes, there are things such as being able to bounce back quicker after a bad fall, being more open to people, etc. However for every good thing, I think there is an increase of bad habits. I realise that I became more and more drifted away from my aims and I am beginning to feel like an aimless wanderer. I became very reliant on people, I wallow in self pity yet at the same time, I am in denial. I am no longer the person where I can forgive nor understand another's situation anymore, I feel that I am getting more petty. I care a lot more about myself and want to protect myself more. Looking back at the words I wrote, I said I was more open..but on hindsight, maybe I had became more closed as now I am always trying to avoid getting myself hurt. I feel that I had always expect a certain person in my life to be always there when I needed someone, but I guess thats pure selfishness on my part. Yes, that person had always been there, helped me, but I think there is no such thing as forever or rather every time. It may be in the past, but it definitely wont be in the future or the present. I guess I just got to let it go.

Maybe I had given up all hope in things that I had believed so so strongly in the past. Even right now, I am still blaming others in my mind. I want to blame everyone else except myself. I want to blame people who had not given me the due respect sometimes, blame people for not reciprocating when I had gave my all, blame the gods for not letting me what I want, though I feel that I had sacrificed a lot. Blame people for not supporting me, etc etc.

Life has just gotten too much complicated for me already. And its has nothing to do with the world, its just myself. Myself that had made the world's actions look like they were out to harm me. Actions that is always negative. And thats why I am going back to my roots. The period where I went back to the basics, to the time where I require minimal things.

I think there may be some things that I cant fully let go, as I am just way too afraid of what may happen. But, I will try.And for certain things or rather most things, I am going to forget it all, to unlearn it, so that I can try to start on a clean slate. Just like me changing my blogskin, if you realise, its pretty minimalist in nature. I am going to smile from now on, and this time it wont be just on my face. It will be from my heart and that I meant it. It has been far too long since I had the calming and peaceful feeling in my heart.

I am going to try to feel again, I guess I had not use my true feelings and my gut feeling for a period of time. I am not going to be afraid anymore, I will set things right.

Words dont mean anything, words are very easy to say. Actions are worth way much more.

Pure Rants

DTTM DTTM DTTM DTTM

expectations. expectations. the bane of my life.

hmm after taking a quick nap of abt 4 hrs, regarding the previous post, I might have been too "xin zhong xia zai"...as wad jy said, dont expect so much from her. again I am expecting a lot...i dont really get it why i am always expecting so much from a particular person, or lets put it specifically, from ppl I always have a liking to. i need to change.

Actly i was rather pissed off at first but nw after reading sam's blog, i became a little more worried so I think that kinda offsets things. Anws, so most probably the nervousness i felt during work was rather accurate. I had a thought during work whether I was right in bringing J along to the event. but in the end, we still go ahead.I dont knw whether its the appropriate thing to do, but I placed my hand over her shoulder while taking a photo and was shot back with a " what are you doing?"... I mean thts oks....but towards the end, when she said tht jianyang was a bit anti-social. I ask why? she said tht she always tries to sit between both of us bt jy would always want to sit beside me. I didnt ans tht. Because jy knew that i am still kinda interested in her and thts why he did tht. However, I dont knw whether I have the right to be angry...because it just feel totally wrong. Cuz its like if someone brings u to the event, I mean is there even a need to try to get close with another person? though you knew this guy is a close friend of mine? do one even need to keep trying to sit beside him? I just feel that its like she dont even put me into consideration...so you can just happily socialise and where am I?...I hate these kind of feelings where at one moment I am angry, and the next moment, you start questioning urself whether am i suppose to just let it pass and that its normal...Seriously.

I always knew she is damn insensitive, but to this extent? or maybe i am just too sensitive...I dont knw lah. Its always feel like I am always giving and being accommodating but in the end? I am always getting hurt, getting upset, getting in conflicts with myself. I mean nt just this occasion, but my life in general, I just don't understand why...is it because I always seem to be an OK zai? is it because I am suppose to be impervious to any insensitivity? or like maybe like wad jy previously said, I always put others before myself too much? why?...

Life ah life, I hope that you will treat me kinder from nw on, I dont knw when I will just break and end up as someone that will not take and bother abt other's opinions in the future, a person that is always feeling skeptical abt interpersonal r/s, a person that given up hope on people and r/s. Is this all karma? or bad fs? or wad?...I just dont knw..is it because I am weak and such things should be taken in my stride. So I got to be a sponge again?i am sorry to said i got a finite capacity to such insensitivities in recent times, and sometimes I really cant stomach it. haiz and somehw its always her that dealt out such tough strikes on me=/

actually wanted to blog abt something but..apparently I am having a mental block...thinking of quite a couple of stuff, dunno where to begin...and wad to do...lol...so nw just post this for fun lor...

葉正明

Oks, this might be rather random...but recently due to the discussion of my name among marcus and hui min. I noticed something rather true. Have you guys ever heard that your name actually determines your character? or maybe your life?


As you can read from mine, my chinese name is 正明 which is proof in chinese. Or in another noun, Prove. And I think its rather reflects a lot about my character as a person as well. I discovered that I am someone that is always trying to prove to people that I am that zai...that I am etc etc. Furthermore, when faced with problems/challenges/situations, I don't really admit defeat, I will try to carry on to prove that its doable. But, of course thats before laziness sinks in lah. I don't like it when people in some ways disregard me or treat me as insignificant( could be also due to pride aka ego=P) hence I always try to prove to people that " hey, helloz I am here...yoohoo" actions. 


I wonder how I can use this "prove" attitude so to be able to push myself and achieve things. I want to prove to people, to myself that I can get where I want to be. That, actually its possible. Everytime I think of proving to people, proving to myself there is this burning feeling inside of me that I must go all out, go and do it. I guess instead of forever saying that I should plan or I should think of what to do next or make the best move. I think I should throw caution to the wind and at the same time, to change my way of thinking and re program some of my life protocols. 


At the same time, I feel that I always want to prove to people, even to people that I like, prove that I did this did that...machiam I want them to know that "hey, I have been doing this and that" etc...Maybe I just want to see results, to see the ball bounce back. But, the ball dont bounce in only one direction does it..

"A baby named PRIDE"

I guess for everyone of us, we have a "baby" inside all of us. You know, babies are like the most sensitive creatures ever. When no food, they cry. When no attention, they try to get your attention. When they feel threaten, they cry. At times they throw tantrums. Its like they are scared of everything in the world. It reminds me a lot of FMA: Brotherhood, the anime. Where one of the villian is called PRIDE, and when he is defeated, his true form is a baby. He is just scared of a lot of things and uses his pride and powers as a way to prevent himself from being hurt.

Well, I think it sort of surface for me today. There is this enf officer who I am working with, whom is the kind of straightforward kind of person. Erm..the kind of person that will say " fuck off" in the face and the kind that cant stand people who..well...not up to standard lo. He kinda gives me the kind of feeling where I feel pressurized and when I am pressurized, the "baby" in me surfaces. Where I will try to show that I can keep up with him and that I know my stuff. Its tht kind of being overpowered feeling, such that I became rather fake, and I will say and react in some ways that its damn obvious I don't know anything but I try to act as if I knw. Which well it just worsens the situation lo. 

Well, so I am thinking of how do I go about? Like in the future, there will be many more of such people that I will definitely meet. So, how do I go about not feeling overpowered? Such that I don't get scared and become a baby. Naturally, there are 2 options. One, is to keep building up blocks of defenses so that no overpowering force can penetrate and affect the baby in me. Two will be to try to minimise the baby or destroy the baby in me. Alternatively, will be to combine the 2 options lo.

I dont think I had destroy nor minimise the baby in me, I had plainly increase the defenses ard it for the couple of years. But, there will be days where I will feel small and noob. Also, there will be times where my defenses can get blown away such as in the above case. Maybe I just had to maintain my concentration for a longer period of time and not be afraid of things.

Somehow, in some way, I kinda felt indignant...like as if my pride is dented or something. LOL...its like I hate this feeling of being weak and that I showed it. But like in the anime, I guess this is why in PRIDE the villain, his true form is a baby. One just want to be comfortable and in an ideal world where I am the boss. I think thats what constitutes PRIDE as a sin. When we become so prideful, that if someone out there in some ways "humiliate" us, we will "retaliate". When our pride is dented, we will want to prove that "hey, actually I also know can" that kind of feeling lor. And I think thats pretty automatic in me, when unconciously, I will try to react in a way so to show that I also know as well. And that I am not weak. In other words, I dont want to show that I am weak or noob.

Actually the act of whining, the thoughts of impossibility, the times of being afraid...these are all reactions from the "baby" inside. I guess one of the ways to overcome this baby, is well...just plain confidence. Confidence that one is able to perform at a certain level, confidence that even if in the face of a fall, one is able to stand up again, confidence of a humiliation that one is able to laugh it off and accept that one has his limitations gracefully.

To end it off, I hope that I am able to admit my limitations in the future and not try to be as if I am someone in the know, where in fact, I don't. At the same time, I want to be improve in the levels of concentration. I feel that my concentration span is rather short, thats why sometimes I will zoned out and people get the impression that I am rather blur. Wonder is it like a computer when the CPU runs at 100% and the whole com lags? Similarly, its like when I am under pressure, I am considering so many options and thoughts that I zoned out as a result of it .

Recently,I twitted something life being messy and a bit aimless which is true. Somehow, I just feel like I got quite a couple of things in my mind, and that I don't really have the time and personal space to sort things out. Hopefully, the bintan trip next weekend will do the trip. To have a getaway with my fellow homies lor. On the whole, life had been rather good, I am blessed with wonderful working colleagues. Marcus and hui min , have been very entertaining and funny....everyday just horsing ard and yet we are doing our work. So its kinda fun. Hopefully, we can still work together in august and possibly, still meet up once my stint with enforcement ends.

bits and pieces, here and there

should be going to jb tml, even now I am not sure with not much replies on fb event page, I dont know what are we going to do in jb, but just roam ard lor...see the turnout tml how as well...lol..actually when jon pulled out and yc said that he might nt make it in time...I was kinda sianz lor...its pretty much like say oks oks then dont go liao. I guess a lot of times, not everything will go according to plan bah, but in anycase, maybe if I dont bother about such things, about being pangseh, or maybe about why things arent the same. I guess maybe life will be much easier to live by bah...sometimes I feel that I bother a lot of the little things, well, I dont think its entirely wrong. As I feel that by getting the little things right, will then the whole entire process will work out properly. Its sometimes a lot of people neglect these little things that eventually lead to the whole process failing.

However, I think this mindset cannot be applied to everything just as there is no fixed answer to anything in life. There are different ways de. So I guess society doesnt works in a rather predictable way,  I will just have to reconfigure myself so that...well...at least I can live without being grumpy=P

And who knows things might take a better turn? haha...yeah lor.

Actually  I guess sometimes, interacting with people somehow makes one feel less angsty in someway. Like during work, when I sometimes chat with people, I hear their stories, I listen to their troubles....way from my job hur...but I guess I m pretty thankful for that because in concen, I doubt I can have a chance to listen to such stuff. Hearing people laugh at some stuff that we accidentally do, hearing people who asked how are you, people who are sincere in knowing whats going on and being thankful when you managed to help them. I guess its some sort of makes one's day. But of course there are some idiots but thats just life isn't ?

Had quite a great outing just now with the army guys and the 3 嫂子s...haha...sharon, SC and shu hui...wah all start with S..LOL...pretty good, chatting with the guys abt the past, the present and the possible taiwan trip as well as disturbing benny...lol. And the 3 嫂子s were nice, though I think SC didnt really interect with the other 2. I guess she is more comfortable with benny and us bah..haha. Sharon and shu hui were friendly..haha..though for some reason in the past, I always thot that sharon is rather aggressive...LOL...

Thoughts on coming back.

Well then backed from taiwan...haha. Missed the time of walking around and taking photos without having to be bothered by the realities of life and the strangling tentacles of a 8 to 5 job. One thing that I definitely take back its that my mandarin really sucks. lolz...cant really hold a proper conversation over there. Read some menus also cui ttm...lolz. There is really one period of 60 minutes that I really like during the entire trip. Was when my mum and sis went to have a hair cut and my dad went to have a foot reflexology. I just wandered along the couple of streets on my own, to the back alleys and walk along the couple of streets and buy 50岚 bubble tea which is actly KOI in taiwan. Took a few photos with my android phone, no DSLR wad..haha...then went to the mrt station and sit and just people watch while waiting for my family to finish.

I think its really cool to be able to do such stuffs in a foreign land. Also, majority of the transport that I took were buses and mrts, so its pretty much on the ground. Its really different from the last time I been to taipei, cuz we were just shopping ard and not so much about moving and looking around. We went to jiu fen by train and boy its really awesome, I mean its really a train you know, with rails and all. I took many shots of stations along the way and really reminds me a lot of Japan for some reason.

Went to kao shiung and cycle most of the time, cycling while exploring the city. Its also another kind of experience lor. Very different from those kinds of bus tours and packages. From tours to F&E to back packer exp, I think back packers is really truly interesting notion. If can gather a small number of friends and just trudge through a foreign land, I think its pretty awesome and of course, one must get use to the language as well lah. I dont think I dare to roam ard in a land with a language that I cant even speak or listen.

The few times when with charmaine and walking around, I think its kinda fun, just walking around and taking the mrt and buses. Although mostly its maine that is leading the way, but I feel rather...hmm...close to the ground one might say. I feel that maybe one great thing about travelling is that because one is so preoccupied with the surroundings around himself and the various cultures and mannerisms of the place, so much so that you kinda kick away the restrains of the previous life routines that you once had. And learnt to embrace the current one that one is in.

Maybe its just the change of  the kind of friendship that I am bothered and not so much about the interwoven intricacies of the friendship that is really bothering me. And that may eventually be boiled down to the parties involved on how to maintain the kind of friendship. But knowing thyself, it may be eventually a tussle with my own mind and all. And am I having a certain kind of mold on how friendship should actually be?

Today hasn't been exactly a good day, maybe the day sucks or the sun not in the right place...wait what am I saying, obviously the sun is in the right place. Today, had a rather bad day at work, argued with a stupid woman who thought that a penalty fee is like a marketplace in thailand where you can bargain. Bloody idiot, you 3 times late, and you are trying to tell me to waive for you, I already kind enough to give you a 50% reduction. You have 2k plus income per month and cant even fork out 75 bucks?! Seriously man, make a mistake go and pay, argue so much say whether I know tax legislations...so what if you are an accountant?, say whether I know my tax legislations...say don't know that file late and will get penalty...just now an old man told me that last time he was arrested when he didnt file 20 years ago, and today you tell me that file late no penalty? its like your boss ask you to submit a report on time but you are late and your boss says its ok? dumb ass...Seriously, even if you complain about me, the most I resign lor...still dare to ask me how old I am and say whether I know my stuff, I didn't work here for 2.5 years and not know such a simple tax rule.

After work, shouldn't have told marcus certain things, havent exactly thought about things through yet. Oh wells, anws its not really a commitment, just a thought recently.

I think I need an anchor somewhere in my life...

More attention please...LOL

Recently, been thinking abt sam recently, been quite sometime since we last contacted, well I don't usually msg her de since she is kinda bz always and her schedule more tight...so she is someone whom I don't take initiative to contact or org any meeting and rather when she is free, then hopefully she will contact me. But sometimes, I do wonder whether as friends, I should do my part in contacting her. Or is it my pride that is pulling me back for some reason. I remembered she once mentioned that unlike her other friends, I don't give her the feeling that I need to be in some ways " taken care off" or should I put it, worried about...because she feels that I don't usually bother her with things and stuff...Oks fine, I feel neglected. lolz...told you all before I need attention de...lolz

Somehow, I can visualise her saying " I also hardly got time for other friends"....lol...It kinda sucks to think that work and a difference in surroundings can cause some friends to be less involve in your life and it kinda sucks to sometimes think why the reason your close friend don't contact you. Is it because they are really bz? Or is it because of some insecurities?...Asymmetric Information again..ha...my favourite word.

To my other friends out there, I also need your attention ah...ROFL...seriously sounds like some kind of attention seeking whore...lolz...maybe like a certain hilton..haha

Updates

Oks its been some time since I last blog. Let me see about 15 days? which is 2 weeks liao..haha and pig complain that I never blog like in ages liao...haha. Time flies as usual during the holidays, went to Malacca recently over the weekend, first time work till late in office. Who says gov staff ends at 5 de...lol..i stay till 7 and I am only a temp staff for goodness sake.

Last week was kinda a shiong week since i mostly work till 7 and got an outing after work, watch x men lo...really an epic show should go and watch for those who haven't. Then on the way home with tee yan, zhenni msg me some seriously suicidal msg, I ask ty whether is it really tht bad...lol..dunno why I ask him that as well..as if he knows her like that. Maybe I just want to justify myself to go down to her place. Bluff her and said that I was at dhoby and able to reach her place in 10 mins, actly I was at bishan..took a cab down. And if she is similar to me, than usually when we are very rational in normal sense, we will be really irrational if things happens in our own lives. So I thought I should be there to balance things and be the rational side of things lo. Stayed till 2 am, got to cab back as well...lolz...but in any case, at least she was feeling better....the sms we exchanged prior meeting up was rather epic..haha.

She said she not sure she can leave the hse a not, than she was going on abt her parents fight and stuff and how her family sort of neglected her and the family quarrelling and stuff...I told her to just walk out and tell her parents that I am downstairs and anything she will be back. Cuz I think she needs some cooling time. Got half the mind to go up and drag her down..haha..but stop myself as its other people's family biz..so not very nice to cha shou. Thats one epic day lo....or should I say night..haha

Analysis Paralysis

I chanced upon this term while reading a book last week. So was just reading about the definition on it. It happens when one over-analyze a situation , so that no decision is ever made thus paralyzing the outcome. I think I am guilty of such paralysis a lot of times, when I start to think of all possible outcomes that eventually, I do not know which one to choose and ends up not doing anything. I like a particular story I read while searching the definition.


Its an Aesop's Fable, where the fox boasts hundred ways of escaping whereas the cat only has one. So when the hounds came hunting, the cat climbed the tree while the fox was thinking what sort of method should he used. Needless to say, the fox was killed. Moral of the story is " Better to have one safe way rather than a hundred which you cannot reckon."


So are you guilty of analysis paralysis as well?

Dramas and Reality

Alrighty. here is another post for you peeps...haha. Just completed Secret Garden( korean drama) today.=) Its really not bad, quite a ride lo...Funny, then Sad and Funny again eventually kind of a happy ending. So its not bad at all. Koreans are really the king of romance and dramatic shows sia, always extreme de...lolz.

Was just thinking about the correlation between dramas and reality. Because, well there had been people that commented that dramas don't really reflect reality, because how many times will you actually see a rich kid getting along with a poor person and stuff like that. Well, to me I think drama though shows the extreme scenarios of life but the underlying emotions and scenes kind of depicts reality as well. But of course, it could be the dramas that causes society to react in such a manner as well or the other way round. Haha...its just another chicken and egg question=P

I know of friends' lives that had always been dramatic, ever since I knew them, its just somehow seems that they are always in some kind of a drama, be it are they the lead or the supporting casts. In my own life, i also seems to have some kind of drama as well in the past. And maybe thats why I can relate a lot to such shows, well, it might be due to the same feelings that I had as well. But, such pure and innocent emotions yet destructive and all, can they survive in this world? Is the world a kind of society that is reflected in the drama? Where somehow the cast can totally focus on a relationship and don't bother about any other commitments in life? Maybe. Maybe not.

In my case, I don't really know whether its a first love thingy or not, but those feelings like giving up everything for a person,thinking abt tht someone is happy and well, putting her first before everything else, protecting her even at the expense of myself etc etc, I have been through it...is that true love? Maybe it is...its pretty amazing sometimes when i think back, and thought that..wow..I am like that male lead..and yet I don't really watch romance shows in the past...cool that I even went through all that. haha. Now while typing all of this, I can somehow feel those feelings bit by bit, the happy n the sad bits. I think such shows always bring the past up hur...haha...but now its different.

Because of my stand n perception are different as compared to then. I can connect with such feelings again but I can't feel the strength in them now. Unlike the dramas normally, I don't really have an ending that I had hoped. However, because of this "drama", my life changed drastically, and it allowed me to meet so many people that I would have not met and discover. Angels like a particular animal, my good old army mates, secondary school mates that I don't really communicate much and many other individuals who had listened to me in some way or another. Gomawo~

Alice: Will You tell me which way I should go?
Cheshire Cat: It depends on which way you want to go.
Alice: I don't really care where I go.
Cheshire Cat: Then it doesn't matter which way you go.
Alice: I want to arrive at some place.
Cheshire Cat: You have to end up at some place, if you walk long enough, that is.

I think sometimes fate or life or whatsoever, rather interesting to note is that she will put a veil across our eyes and in the end, create a false reality. Interestingly, this veil always seems to be the same kind always. It flutters for awhile, disappear for some time, came back, disappear and reappear. Rather irritating if u ask me. Maybe its that time of the season...or maybe I have just realise that maybe I am not truly the master of thyself...*shrugs*

Its always seems to be ard u that I say things without consideration, without a care and cautious thought. It always seems that I show my unhappiness even to u. However our skirmishes are far too little, I don't understand you. I don't even take much notice of you, so why...tell me why are u always appearing in my mind every now and again as a veil that confuse my reality with fiction?

Yawns. Procrastination. Procrastination. Procrastination

Full Metal Alchemist: Brotherhood

" A Lesson without pain is meaningless, because you cannot gain something without sacrificing something else in return. But, once you endure the pain and overcome it, you will gain a heart that is stronger than anything else. A Fullmetal Heart." ~ Edward Elric the Full Metal Alchemist.

The past few days, I had been chionging the above anime. Its about alchemy and things like that. Basically, it revolves round a law called Equivalent Exchange, which basically means one gain and lose something of equal importance. A really apt way to describe life and in many ways, the ways of the universe.

I think this idea is pretty existant in many things that we studied. Like in Accountancy, We must always debit one side and credit another ledger. In Economics, we have the concept of Pareto Efficient, at a particular allocation that one cannot gain something without causing another to suffer a loss. In Phyics, with Newton 3rd's Law, where there are 2 similar magnitude forces but working against each other in different directions. Hence, this is definitely a trait that we as humans actually have. The art of receiving and the notion of sacrificing.

A.A.R

Today was the last paper. I realise that I had been playing the wrong strategy all along. But whatever the case, its all already over. I don't want to start anything about the past, the exams and all. So, I took some time to reflect...you know to have an AAR..ahaha...sorry sounds so army like=P

When I think back of the past 4 weeks, I realise that these 4 weeks, I was rather fearful. I was fearful of so so many things. I am afraid of course about the results, but....Well, last year I have a breakdown, this year I had a fear that cripples me...todays paper was the first paper and ironically the last as well, that I wasn't afraid of the paper. I think because I enter the exam hall with a mindset of whatever liao...maybe its because, I accepted that I can fail. I don't really bother about the questions, to me, its like I will try my best with the questions lo and answer whatever way I know. Truth be told, I seriously smoke to the max...but somehow its fun, its like I enjoyed it though I am sure I lost 25 marks already. Unlike all my other papers, I was nervous, no time...rushing ...the usual stuff lo. These recent days, penultimately to today's paper, I was thinking of the possible scenarios n steps to take if I fail, JY said I shouldn't think that way. But, at that point of time, I know that if I don't find out these stuff, there is no way I am going to be able to concentrate on my last min chionging. Or maybe should I rephrase..its to be at peace with myself. I feel that I have a very complicated and yet unstable soul. I am like a subconsciously hypocrite. 

Its strange and I think its rather uniquely me, that I like to tie all sort of stuffs with negative emotions. Maybe because I want people to sympathise with me subconsciously or to put it more correctly, I want people to recognize me. Yes, I think thats the word. I always got this feeling that I somehow want people to say" yes, eugene thats the way" or " yeap, you are right" or " Wow...how do you achieve this and that?" 

And thats something that I want to change, because I don't want my life to be filled with negative emotions as well as indirectly living my life for others' recognition. And maybe thats why I feel that I am a disturbed soul. A soul that is not at peace with his mind, and with that brings with so much negativity and fear. 

Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering.

I always find this saying to be very apt in reality. Its always start with fear, and that it lead to the subsequent consequences. 

Dear Journal, given the current situation, it may seem that it is inappropriate for me to write. But, even with the incoming storm, its something I feel that I should write about. As we all known, taken an adventure into the unknown nature. Looking at the map that I have, there are a total of 5 phases that I had planned to move from  so to reach civilization.Phase 1 was an exact replica of a bunch of rocks that I had failed before in my last adventure walk. I am glad to say that I had cleared that area pretty well with the knowledge that I had acquired during my last expedition. The last entry on this journal was a time where I had taken an untimely long break and in some ways ended up in a storm.

But, I managed to reach the second checkpoint in time, though abet less prepared as the storm totally just rape through my tents and blocks of wood that I had erected to protect myself. Luckily, when a tree was hit by the lightning, it fell right in front of me thus protected me from the harsh winds. And, I made it through the night. Subsequently, I made my way towards checkpoint 3. As I was moving, the ground felt cooler and less bumpy, and I thought that well...maybe it might be a good sign. How wrong was I. In the front of me, lies a huge cliff that I had to scale, there is no way around it, nor under it as well. Its not the first time I had scaled cliffs, but somehow it felt unnatural at times. There were many times where I stopped and wonder how and which direction should I take. Maybe I should practised cliff climbing before I decided to take this journey, but I never expected a cliff to be in front of me now. As I kept climbing, my natural instincts were saying something is wrong, but I do not know what and climbing on a cliff that is 9 storeys from ground, its not like I could turn back could I? After scaling the cliff, I stood at the top and surveyed the surroundings.

Well it definitely seems that I was right. I am pretty off where I should be, but I don't think/ hope that  I am too far. Unfortunately, the next phase of the situation is a desert. And hallucinations are rife in the desert. But now its not the time to be despaired...if nt I am dead.

Oks can't really concentrate for some reason. Dunno whether its because of election fever or wad. Somehow, there is no pressure on myself for this year, its like I am in " whatever" mode lo...maybe because from the start I know I won't fail but I also know that I am not in a level to score those high flying grades. Maybe because I had plan alternative plans if things don't turn up in my favor, or it could be that I got this " Anything can be solved" mindset thinking...so I didn't heap any pressure on myself. Must be somewhere the fengshui nt right...hmm

It might be due to what I had discuss with zhenni the last time I met her. She said she can't really move on after student life because thats what she had mostly lived for. A life as a student. Which is to gain good grades, take part in CCAs, then graduate and find a job. Simple. However, after year 1 and a lesson by mark harris on the examinations that send a signal, I began to see examinations in a different light. I take it as a gauge on how well I know a particular module, though I have to admit I loathe memorizing stuffs but what to do. And in some ways, examinations are no longer the highest priority in my life anymore, I began to search for things that are more applicable to real life. Like CFAs, and other kinds of qualifications...of course, needless to say they also require grades....Maybe I need to rethink certain things during the holidays...oh wells..

Trekking

As I keep trudging through the dense vegetation, I spotted a nice spot near the river. Decided to take a break and refresh myself, as I was drinking the fresh river water from above the mountains. I lay back and admire the clear blue skies and natural scenery around me. As I breathe in the cool air, I started to laze and fall in a slumber. Had a nice dream and all. When I woke up, I saw the dark clouds behind me with flashes of lightning. Only did I realised that I am in prime spot for a lightning strike as well as I am surrounded by flat plains.

And then reality hit me. I was trying to survive, I had to reach a particular checkpoint so that I can carry on to my next phase. I shouldn't have stopped, I start to run towards higher ground, in fear of a flash flood, I tripped and the rain started to drizzle. I need to get out of the plains...no questions or looking back...I can feel the cold wind picking up...now life is gonna be difficult.

I really like a quote from Gandalf in LOTR: Fellowship of the Ring. " All We can do is to make use of the time that is left for us."

Its really inspirational isn't ? I don't know. To me it is lo. As like the previous post, I was afraid of so many things. The power of fear is really strong.Really. But, if we think about it from a more rational point of view, the fears are all nothing but build on the vines of uncertainty. Such uncertainties can cripple many of us, and the way it binds us to a spot. I had already done preparations for the papers, whether a not, its enough or its good enough. I have no idea. The only way is for me to take the paper and see the results. If at the end of the day, the results are not satisfactory, then I will have to try to beef up my other areas if I want to be more employable and send a stronger signal. Its like a trade-off. Last year, I had a breakdown and this year, I am determined to control my self. I don't want to be crippled by fear, but if I am really going to take a stumble or worse, or fall. Then so be it. At the end of the day, all these did not happen because of the past few weeks or something, its not short run at all. Its a problem with the entire semester, because of inconsistency and the pure lack of drive for my grades.

So, regardless of the time left, I can only make do with whatever is given to me.

The Infection

Ok...I have been infected. The exams jitters have finally infected me....whereas my armour was rock solid a week back, now its been invaded. I am scared...I can feel it. I am afraid that I might screw up, I am afraid that I don't know how to do stuffs, I am afraid that grades won't be good enough, I am afraid that my strategies are wrong, I am afraid that questions won't come out the way I wanted it, I am afraid that my decision to throw EOE away was wrong, I am afraid that all these will have in some way a negative effect on my potential future, I am afraid that I can't do the questions, I am afraid that people will be disappointed in me....there are so many things that I am afraid of.

To put things into perspective, why do we need exams? Mark harris says its like a signal that we can send to our future employers. Due to informational asymmetries in the labour market, the few ways which our future employers can judge us, is through our degree and thus the need for examinations. To prove our abilities. However, if we think about it, there are many other signals we can send to our future bosses. Our CIP records, external qualifications, the way one performs during interviews. The aptitude shown in a specialized kind of  job. Working experience..etc etc. In my honest opinion, I also think that stress that came with the examinations is also included in the assessment of our degree. Its in some ways, a signal to our future bosses whether we can handle the stress.

Its been almost 2 years since I've been back to being a student. Unfortunately, the portion where " stress management" is concerned, I didn't do particularly well. Truth be told, I was most prepared for an exam was in Sec 2, because I literally studied from the start of the year to the end. O level was better prepared as well, maybe because of things such as homework, tests, regular stuffs. Now currently, I am deprived of these things, whenever my brother complains about test and homework, in my heart, I always thought that how nice if we have them. Though I have tutorials, it wasn't enforced. Laissez faire market don't always works, because being humans, some markets will suffer market failure. Just like the lighthouse situation during the 18th century in Great Britain.

Ever since the inspirational talk by Amos in year one, I always try to understand my subjects because thats our aim of education ain't? So many quotes about education was about learning and not about the results. However, in our current society and I don't mean here in singapore only, but the world in general doesn't really follow that school of thought. Come to think of it, thats what a lot of people do don't they?

When we ask people about the stuff they learned in school, after their exams, most will be like: " What? I returned to my teacher already." Honestly, me too...especially maths..lolz..But most of my economics had stick with me, especially micro economics because well its micro.

Of course, the reason why I am afraid was not because I don't understand, why for EOE yes. But for the rest, its I understand but whether the depth of understanding is enough, its something that I don't know. And yes, being the ever control freak I am, I am afraid of not knowing something. Having said that, I had also let go of a lot of things that I should know.

Friends/Tomodachi/Chin-gu/朋友

There is something between me and sam is that we always able to feel the true feelings about the other. Even if its written in words. I really feel blessed and happy that I am able to get to know someone like her. It makes life somehow more bearable, even though we don't spend much time together. Even though we are forever at different stages of our lives, even though mindsets have changed. Like a secret garden, its something where we can escape from our own lives n in some ways, to just enjoy the basic notions of humanity. The true friendship between 2 persons, the joy of being in each other company even if we are in silence, the discussions that we can have without any considerations because we know that we won't offend each other in any ways. The comfort we can find in each other if there are bad situations in life.

To know that I am able to bring some kind of happiness to another person is something worth living for. Ultimately, its friends that kept me going through life. People like pig, jianyang, GK, the bball gang, some random people in my life. They all played a role in my survival as well as me truly being alive. There had been a couple of times where I had given up hope on myself, times where I felt that living on just seems so impossible, times where I thought I might as well just waste the time that is given to me away. Times where I questioned my reason in being alive. Without them, I won't be who I am today. I think people of my kind, like zhenni, we are kinds of people that depends on friends and yet we are eccentric in our own sense because we see life as a learning ground. We read, observed, think and tries to apply into our life. We are forever searching for something fixed, a way to live life. And that also means that we are pretty emotional in a sense, because if not , we won't be always trying to constantly improving ourselves, to expose to new thoughts. For such kinds of people, to have a steady group of friends is really important. And thats why I am grateful to all of my friends that has an impact in my life.=)

So, ending off, do cherished your friends and loved ones around you, even if they may leave you one day, but take heart, in that they had left a part of them in you.=)

Political Rants

Actually I want to rant and goes on about how the political situation surrounding me, its beginning to irritate me a lot. Because I see that people are beginning to throw their subjective opinions on others, flaming on the net, the emotions that are so strongly used in their explanations on why this party is better, why it ain't? However, after reading a post by sam just now, I don't feel so much negative feelings le....so I can't really rant about it le. haha...but I was really pissed yesterday. I was pissed because I see friends who I have known half a decade, resorted to say things which I felt wasn't justified. It will be nice if there is a particular system where we can keep and nominate good ministers rather than oust them because of the mistakes as a party on the whole. However, sad to note, this is what it means being in the majority system of the democratic world. Its like army, where one mistake hurt the entire platoon. Its a bitter pill to swallow. I totally disagree with the GRC method, its a defensive method by PAP but at the same time, its a potential shot in the foot, as proven by aljunied GRC. To lose george yeo, will be a negative. But then again, there might be new potential candidates that will step up, so it might be a good thing.

Anws, this fiasco over choosing leaders and stuff based on trivial things n looking at a party that seriously made a huge mistake in disregarding my generation opinions, its like Microsoft only noticing that Apple is taking over their world now. It further strengthen my beliefs. I fear that a government that is chosen by the people is not based on credentials but due to subjective opinions. Hence, I must make it big. I got to create a wealth size enough for me to rely on, regardless on what kind of government that may be formed in the future. I never ever believe that one's survival must be dependent on others or a collective group. To me, its depends on my side, on my family and thats all it matters. Looking on the fiasco and other places in the world as an observer, I realise that youth is a great tool for change, the power of people is really strong. At the same time, seeing irrationalities and subjective opinions being used as political ammunitions, it really makes me feel that unfortunately there are negative effects to such movements, that though normal, but I don't want to get caught in a negative position. Like a netizen that puts it rationally, politics are divisive in nature. And to me, thats too much for me to bear, I never like to see conflicts, especially if its based on ideologies, different life paths, because although its normal but to see the division in man, really takes the heart out of me. I will never choose politics as a career that I want to carve even if its come knocking at my door, I don't have the courage and strength to hold so strongly to a particular ideology. If you ask me what kind of party I am supporting, I don't have any particular. I just want a stable government that makes the right and necessary decisions when things goes wrong. period. There are a lot of things I can branched into but I feel that it will be too long an essay, because I will use history, human behaviors and economics. So i shall end here.

Renaissance

Today is another special day again...HAHA cuz its my birthday yet again!!!! Hoho...one year has passed again liao..Decide to take some time off to blog a bit today=P...So far so good, had a sashimi lunch, had chocolates, now with a cup of A&W by my side and inkigayo on tv right now. Life's been good...lolz...Realise that a year before, I didn't even blog on my birthday....I must be really stress to the max sia...leading to a breakdown eventually..haha...On the contrary, this year is anything but that...I even going to leave a module out of my scope as well to focus on the rest...its a gamble and can affect my strategy for next year. But, I think its a strategy that somehow makes me feel intuitively better or should I say at peace. Its a bit worrying that I am not so stressed out, see how humans are fan jian, stress also bad, no stress also bad...lolz.

Actually to tell you the truth, I also don't really know will this be a good thing as well..I currently have a view that no matter what, somehow my life will turn out well. Don't ask me why, I also have no clue.But, having said that, I think I have been more consistent lately than compared to the past. Thats what  I am trying to be, to be consistent in the things I do. I don't really know what my results will be, neither do I know whether whatever I am feeling now is good or whatever I am doing now will turn out for the better. Having 23 years of experience tells me that I really cannot predict the future. But I know that whatever I do in the present will have an effect on the future. And the only time period that I can control, well simply its the present. Whether how far my future will varies from the expected mean, will depends very much on my consistency lo.

Like all birthdays, don't know since when, I always like to think back about the past years. Anws, I realise that I like to refer to the 07/09 years as the "Dark Ages". I think I will use a new word to describe it. The word is "Renaissance". As most of you would know, the Renaissance was an age in France that sparks off a revolution in terms of the arts and technology of that era. To the people then, the earlier stages are pretty dark because such thinking seems to be unorthodox and the church even tried to use ways to purge such acts. So people like Da-vici and Michelangelo has to hide their works. Its in some ways pretty similar during my own personal experiences then. I had always said that I changed a lot, not because of any ill intents. But, rather I want to prove that I can be a better person than before as the spectre chose another person but me. I also want to in some ways harden myself so that I won't be easily beaten down by uncontrollable emotions again. So, I went through a lot of tunings, like tinkering with new ideas and new mindsets. At times, it lead to bad situations but I'm glad that I managed to resolved many of the bad situations that I inadvertently created. Hence, in some ways, its like the Renaissance, its been a revolutionary period of time for me. And similarly this year, I think its gonna be another revolution that I am trying to undertake this year as well. So, maybe 2012 rather than a year where it all ends, it may very well be a year when we shall see the new beginnings of human age, the start of things new.=)

The mountains and rivers have seen many humans and animals come and go, yet they themselves are still there. To them, what's time, when they had already live to million of years that flows by. Whats time to them. To us, pure mortals, time is of an essence. Yet, we mortals still spend time on mopping and stuck in inescapable matrices. Humans cannot escape the emotions that are there, its a fact of life, and its not a bad thing as well=). All we can do is to make use of whatever time we had left.=D

Doubts 

Oks shag sia...corporate finance has mass empirical evidence...how on earth is one gonna remember all of them?..Any one got ideas how to remember so much stuff?...lol... I see papers after papers...what healy & palepu(1988) and Ross(1977)...and something with Jensen & Meckling( 1976)...bleah...I think I gonna hack some of the empirical evidence...if  I remember good, if not...then well I just have to rely on the intuition questions lo...which is GG currently...lolz...looks like after this blog entry. I will rest and live to fight the next day.

Hmm...good friday today hasn't really been doing much, just did inflation and unemployment tutorials of Seet. Seems that its not enough though, maybe got to beef up with Clare's ones lo. Actually, to think of it, I am still pretty far away from my level that I want to hit, and its around this time that I should actually be like 60% in the zone liao...but apparently not so leh, maybe this time I followed a checklist, or maybe cuz I started way earlier compared to last year, but I don't seem to be really rushing at the moment....don't know whether is it good or bad? Don't want to peak too early as well and suffer burn out later.

I guess there isn't anything for me to mull over this bah, no point thinking whether I am right or why am I like that...or wadsoever. I think just try to take each day as it comes and try to put in some consistency at work lo. Hopefully, I got absorbed most of whatever I did in my tutorials though there was much copying involved but hope the thinking process would help me to remember stuff. Oops..seems like I am back to worrying again...lolz...

At this stage, I cannot change the strategy liao lo, I just have to stick to whatever I am doing and hope that I can make it lo. Like what my CF teacher said, consistency is the key, but now at this point of time, one will just have to do with whatever time one left. In the event that he didn't make it, then remember the lesson for life. And change the way one should conduct oneself. In this case, is to be consistent in everything that one does.

Begone, doubts!!!...don't try to derail me from my goal!..haha

Actions Speaks More Than Words

Oks peeps I am back here again...HAHA...like duh..its my blog..oks oks I will get back to mugging later on. BFF= Best Friends Forver ( and not Best French Fries...lolz...i haven't try it yet though=P)...Anws BFF, such a phrase is always used to describe Best Friends between two people. Let you know in a secret...you know, I seriously hate BFF this word...well in the past that is..haha...everytime someone used this abbreviation, I always got a very sick feeling in the heart. Well, I think it always have to do with most of my probable r/s that ended up that way and that someone once told me before in my life that, if a girl you like, treats you as a best friend....well thats pretty much the end. So most of the time, when girls that I have a certain liking or a certain interest in says that, I will always be rather irritated by it.

From my point of view, I don't really like to call someone BFF or whatsoever, because...well..call me pessimistic or whatsoever, I don't like to use the word forever. And in some ways, I don't like the idea of fixing someone to that particular role because of the words I choose to use. To me, friends comes and go, of course there will be the special ones that I know will stay. However, after what happened to me and a friend in JC1, I realised that there is no such thing as forever and words are just easy communicative tools that people used to communicate. Rather than getting tied down by words, I chose to express it through my actions. I don't usually say like...hey best friend, close friend..etc etc...I just show it through my actions, the way I treat my closed buddies is slightly different how I treat the rest. I am not going to go through here how I differentiate, i think it might be slightly insensitive of me to do so. Gosh, the internet has no security de, so god knows, who else may find this place. So don't define me as what I say though I stand by most of what I say, judge me by my actions.

Well back to the notion of someone you like says bff to you, well I think if you are currently pursuing that person, I think its really DAMN SIANZ TTM. So ya, there is really nothing wrong, but hey the feeling really sucks, imagine you done so much for someone and all you get is..hey BFF...which is way different from what you want...it really sucks...trust me..been there done that..haha.

Lets see things in another situation now, you have some kind of feelings for that person, but for some whatever reason, you aren't gonna do anything currently, and that person says...hey BFF...is it a cause for concern ? or rather a cause to emo? Well I used too. But then, I feel that now there isn't really much a point to be bothered by it so much, because well, best friends may even get together in the future, right? who knows? Maybe at age 17 there ain't any feeling between the two. But a decade later, well, who knows right?So to be bothered by things which has no certainty...well at least 60% uncertainty( it varies between individuals), is kinda inefficient in terms of happiness ain't it?...haha

Which brings me to the next point I want to touch about, feelings or should I put it, mutual feelings. I was misled in the idea for quite some time that as long as I give my all, then I will be able to be together with that someone. Unfortunately, that idea is a rather extremist idea to some extent, cuz we all know the answer as NO. Like I heard a story recently about how a couple got together, and I was like..what...thats it? that's all it took?...haha. Of course, going along with anyone just based of feelings is also not advisable as well=P.
Come to think of it, maybe if I had seriously put down and let go everything earlier, than there might be a chance....hmmm oh wells...its already over liao. haha

In any case, if you are wondering why I suddenly thought of this, well definitely you can infer that someone used it on me again. Well, the answer is a yes. haha...though I have to be really honest here, is that there is still a wee bit of interest in her, but at the current situation, I don't think things can work it out between us. In any case, I won't give up my life goals for some hypothetical thoughts anymore.

Just focus on your breathing...left right left right...the pain and tiredness is of insignificance....keep your eyes on the road....just keep pounding the road...breathe in breathe out...the next km mark is also of insignificance...keep your wits and strength with yourself, eugene....being overlapped is of nothing..because this race is of no one...no one except yourself...Just keep breathing

Letting Go 

Someone: Woah. really pei-fu you
Me: Hmm?? Why?
Someone: Able to let go of something after so long
Me: Oh...haha...actually its really nothing much lah.
Someone: you should be able to have a good night sleep liaos..haha

Actually, the above is not the fully word for word msn conversation lah. But the gist is there lor. What I want to highlight is the last portion...having a good night sleep. I would like it to define it as able to have a mindset that is somewhat free from the shackles of a certain inhibition. Really, after letting go of something that is deeply embedded in my conscious. that even I am not fully aware of, its really a nice feeling. How to say ah? Its like nowadays my memories and emotions that were attached to it, is slowly disappearing already...I no longer can feel the emotions and thoughts that I thought and rant about the particular incident anymore. I feel lighter though I am 72kg...mind you..haha...but its like I feel that...hmm...I don't have to hide anything anymore? I don't have to justify certain actions anymore, I don't have to be afraid neither do I have to tie a string to the past. I can't really pin-point why letting go of this something actually give me confidence as well as making me feel much stronger in front of people. Its as if that I can show to people..you know like 100% Eugene...that kind of feeling, I don't feel a particular rush into relationships and such things anymore, maybe its just a coincidence that the letting go coincides with all theses stuff. However, I feel that there is a certain positive correlation between these variables.

Thinking back, there had been things that I said and emphasized about which was just a way of affirmation, a way of trying to prove things. Mind you, I never say nor do anything that would compromise the happiness of the other. And, I will never will..regardless to anyone. So there are things that I will not say anymore, there will be things that I won't think...oks...actually its I can't think anymore because...well...I am having an amnesia( if u read above paragraph). Haha...the very few times where I agree with having an amnesia aka STM...lolz.  Even to others, I don't have to say certain things already, to say certain things like " oh, so-and-so is still the best" and stuff like that. Well, technically the spectre was the best, not the reincarnation. No ill intentions intended here ah. So...yeap things have been good so far in that sense.=)

To this blog readers, is there anything that deep down you can't let go? It may not be so obvious, but if its restricting you to a certain extent, maybe its time to let go before it became it became so embedded in one's conscious that it starts to creep into your daily actions? Just a food for thought ah...don't go screwing yourself up over this ah.=)..

These are some things that I want to share with you all because who knows? you might have the same issue with me, oks I sincerely hope not=X.

Shit...over 10pm le...mug mug mug!!!