Essentially, thoughts/craps/rants of my life
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
Traumas
Just recently, Maine showed me a pic and tells that Ivan(Maine's ex) got together with another girl le. I was like...wow..its about time already. I think its been like a year plus since they last broke up though the cracks was like about 2 years liao.
When Maine told me that, I somehow noticed her voice. It reminded me of Sam's when we had some conversation about ex-es a couple of months back. Such a voice gives me the feeling of being nostalgic, reminiscing about the past. I asked her, how she knows that he is together with that girl? She said she wasn't sure, she texted him and he didn't reply back at all. She gave a sigh and a smile after saying that.
I immediately thought that Maine must have end it in a way that Ivan cannot accept, and in a way still blame her for it. Either that or he can never bring himself to talk to Maine ever again. With that, I feel that each individuals have their scars and quirks. Me too.
Its like a person that has been through shit, and now he is carrying the impact from it, through the rest of life. Its like those war movies, where war veterans still carry the emotions and thoughts and mental scars for life. At the same time, you realise that some stuffs that once you were particular about, now is quite insignificant in the face of the aftermath.
When Maine told me that, I somehow noticed her voice. It reminded me of Sam's when we had some conversation about ex-es a couple of months back. Such a voice gives me the feeling of being nostalgic, reminiscing about the past. I asked her, how she knows that he is together with that girl? She said she wasn't sure, she texted him and he didn't reply back at all. She gave a sigh and a smile after saying that.
I immediately thought that Maine must have end it in a way that Ivan cannot accept, and in a way still blame her for it. Either that or he can never bring himself to talk to Maine ever again. With that, I feel that each individuals have their scars and quirks. Me too.
Its like a person that has been through shit, and now he is carrying the impact from it, through the rest of life. Its like those war movies, where war veterans still carry the emotions and thoughts and mental scars for life. At the same time, you realise that some stuffs that once you were particular about, now is quite insignificant in the face of the aftermath.
Saturday, July 06, 2013
"Food for Thought" thoughts
Today, after spending time with the army guys at Playnation, GK and me went to just roam around. As GK has a movie date at 9.15pm, so we hanged out at Coffee Bean. GK asked me, what does it feels like to be in love? He told me that he had already forgotten about it, I replied saying that it must be like when your first love is? As I heard that the first love is really the most pure. And for that I strongly concur,at the point of time, the amount of things and trials I am willing to go through, to change...and at the end of the underlying reason, was just purely because of love. As time goes on, as one goes through different people, as one had relationships, things changed. It will no longer be purely about love. Realities will be a factor, time will be a factor and at the end of it, love will never be as pure as before. Just like when a kid grows up, he is never as pure and innocent when he was young.
Sometimes I do question myself whether everything I did for Adeline, was it for love or was it because I felt obliged to or was it because of my fears. It was never as simple as Samantha. It will be definitely be nice if one day, I can say that I do things for someone simply because I love her. I think personally, love is something that has to be a 2 way thing. If you love someone, but the other don't show some or any reciprocation, then I believe its just liking someone. Its pretty normal for any human being to want to feel loved, whether in a small way or not. So, if there is no reciprocation, then how do you love someone? Sometimes all it takes is just one small action, and then one can love that person a long time. But, ultimately, its a 2 way thing. I think dramas show that unrequited love is possible, yeah, its possible but I think deep down the person who gives it, will end up in self torture and regrets at the end. TV shows glamorises unrequited love, when the female lead rejects the poor handsome male lead, and then the masses will sympathise with him. In reality, outsiders will sympathise with you but like the female lead, the person you like will still be unable to be with you. Over time, it will be more painful.
Sometimes I do question myself whether everything I did for Adeline, was it for love or was it because I felt obliged to or was it because of my fears. It was never as simple as Samantha. It will be definitely be nice if one day, I can say that I do things for someone simply because I love her. I think personally, love is something that has to be a 2 way thing. If you love someone, but the other don't show some or any reciprocation, then I believe its just liking someone. Its pretty normal for any human being to want to feel loved, whether in a small way or not. So, if there is no reciprocation, then how do you love someone? Sometimes all it takes is just one small action, and then one can love that person a long time. But, ultimately, its a 2 way thing. I think dramas show that unrequited love is possible, yeah, its possible but I think deep down the person who gives it, will end up in self torture and regrets at the end. TV shows glamorises unrequited love, when the female lead rejects the poor handsome male lead, and then the masses will sympathise with him. In reality, outsiders will sympathise with you but like the female lead, the person you like will still be unable to be with you. Over time, it will be more painful.
Hidden Beneath
Actually, I had typed out a half written entry yesterday, however, I left it unwritten because of lack of time and I had thought that Blogger would actually saved it as draft. So, I mistakenly turned my laptop off. Only to realise it just, that it was not saved. Thinking back, in a way, it won't be a good post I guess...as the current post is more of a stable version and current thoughts that I have now. The previous one maybe its more of a forced kind? Everything happens for a reason. Ha
Well, today started on watching "V for Vendetta" for the first time, I know ...its a bit late...considering the film was out a couple of years ago liao. Its a good movie, I like these kind of thinking movie. And the British English that was used, somehow made it felt more intellectual. It touches a lot on oppression and the idea of Fascism. I will not touch on social order or politics here, but what kinda struck me was the idea of fear.
Actually, I had a lot of ideas that just suddenly burst out in my mind...oks not really ideas but more of thoughts and perspectives. Alright, now back to the notion of fear. So, I started thinking, was I afraid and that eventually it leads to me being an emotionally charged person, a guy with many images, a guy that somehow want to portray a particular image? Which results in me being not at peace, feeling that I am lacking something in my life.
In all actuality, my handlings with Adeline, after I decided that we will kinda stop contacting each other for some time, was not very well handled, I think. Deep down, I still blame her for everything that had happened. Yet, at the same time, I can't seem to let go of her from my life. Or rather, the girl that I held on to so much. Sometimes, I will have negative thoughts, and then I will reply in a curt manner. I will post negative tweets knowing that she will read it. I hate myself for still wanting her yet at the same time I want her to disappear from my life. So, I dig deeper.
I was not happy when I was with her, I knew that...all along. However, I didn't want to acknowledge that. I ran away because I want to believe that there is someone, her, that when together, we could have a future. So, I kept the good memories and the things we done together. Then, when things began to show, when she kept her distance from me, I began to get angry and blame her for it. I wore a mask when I am with her, I showed another image to some friends of mine when on the topic, sometimes I didn't even want to talk to about it. However, whenever I am alone, she will come floating back in my mind. Regrets, Guilt, Anger, Pride, Helplessness, Sadness and Loneliness all locked target and fired at me at once. Luckily, all these don't happened in a day, its just at different intervals or during different incidents. I still feel bad about things I had said. Words are dangerous tools, it can bring anyone to the skies and yet it can drag anyone down all the way to the centre of hell.
Today, I understand that it was fear, the fear that I will be all alone, with no one around me. Its this fear that drives me to hang on to her. Fear of the truth is she never truly love me as much as I do. Fear that I will never find anyone. Fear that I cannot handle the fact that she is with someone else. And because of these fears, I linked all the negative thoughts to her, because of these fears, I blamed her for the pain she had caused to my life. Because of these fears, I refused to let her go even after the signs were there. Because of these fears, I drove myself to the very edge. The fear that prevents me from seeing her as a friend. I do not know whether its possible for us to remain friends, I believe that we can remain on talking terms, but anything else, I think...might really leave it up to fate. Because, we have little in common.
And because of all these, I can never be myself. I felt that I am in disequilibrium or what sorts. I felt that my life is wrong, I felt lost and I turned to other things to relieve me of those feelings. Basically, I felt something was missing and I kept searching for it.
Interestingly, I don't expect myself to be anyone else anymore, yet at the same time, I can feel that something in me had changed. I don't feel like myself a year ago anymore. I felt stronger, felt more alive yet at the same time, I seemed to have changed and be more in control. For some reason, I felt that there are things which I am not afraid or when some things happen, I am not in panic mode nor depressed mode. With that, I became more authoritative as well, if I insist on something and if its something I feel strongly, I will still insist on it. For people who knew me for some time, I think they will feel that I am very chill and that usually its more of what they wants, rather then what I want. These days, I began to stamp a little of my authority on things.
And as I finally acknowledges these fears. I feel a lot more lighter now. I am myself, I cannot alter things that had already happened, all I can do, is to be myself. To be true in everything I do. To let go. Finally, to have faith...and beliefs.
Well, today started on watching "V for Vendetta" for the first time, I know ...its a bit late...considering the film was out a couple of years ago liao. Its a good movie, I like these kind of thinking movie. And the British English that was used, somehow made it felt more intellectual. It touches a lot on oppression and the idea of Fascism. I will not touch on social order or politics here, but what kinda struck me was the idea of fear.
Actually, I had a lot of ideas that just suddenly burst out in my mind...oks not really ideas but more of thoughts and perspectives. Alright, now back to the notion of fear. So, I started thinking, was I afraid and that eventually it leads to me being an emotionally charged person, a guy with many images, a guy that somehow want to portray a particular image? Which results in me being not at peace, feeling that I am lacking something in my life.
In all actuality, my handlings with Adeline, after I decided that we will kinda stop contacting each other for some time, was not very well handled, I think. Deep down, I still blame her for everything that had happened. Yet, at the same time, I can't seem to let go of her from my life. Or rather, the girl that I held on to so much. Sometimes, I will have negative thoughts, and then I will reply in a curt manner. I will post negative tweets knowing that she will read it. I hate myself for still wanting her yet at the same time I want her to disappear from my life. So, I dig deeper.
I was not happy when I was with her, I knew that...all along. However, I didn't want to acknowledge that. I ran away because I want to believe that there is someone, her, that when together, we could have a future. So, I kept the good memories and the things we done together. Then, when things began to show, when she kept her distance from me, I began to get angry and blame her for it. I wore a mask when I am with her, I showed another image to some friends of mine when on the topic, sometimes I didn't even want to talk to about it. However, whenever I am alone, she will come floating back in my mind. Regrets, Guilt, Anger, Pride, Helplessness, Sadness and Loneliness all locked target and fired at me at once. Luckily, all these don't happened in a day, its just at different intervals or during different incidents. I still feel bad about things I had said. Words are dangerous tools, it can bring anyone to the skies and yet it can drag anyone down all the way to the centre of hell.
Today, I understand that it was fear, the fear that I will be all alone, with no one around me. Its this fear that drives me to hang on to her. Fear of the truth is she never truly love me as much as I do. Fear that I will never find anyone. Fear that I cannot handle the fact that she is with someone else. And because of these fears, I linked all the negative thoughts to her, because of these fears, I blamed her for the pain she had caused to my life. Because of these fears, I refused to let her go even after the signs were there. Because of these fears, I drove myself to the very edge. The fear that prevents me from seeing her as a friend. I do not know whether its possible for us to remain friends, I believe that we can remain on talking terms, but anything else, I think...might really leave it up to fate. Because, we have little in common.
And because of all these, I can never be myself. I felt that I am in disequilibrium or what sorts. I felt that my life is wrong, I felt lost and I turned to other things to relieve me of those feelings. Basically, I felt something was missing and I kept searching for it.
Interestingly, I don't expect myself to be anyone else anymore, yet at the same time, I can feel that something in me had changed. I don't feel like myself a year ago anymore. I felt stronger, felt more alive yet at the same time, I seemed to have changed and be more in control. For some reason, I felt that there are things which I am not afraid or when some things happen, I am not in panic mode nor depressed mode. With that, I became more authoritative as well, if I insist on something and if its something I feel strongly, I will still insist on it. For people who knew me for some time, I think they will feel that I am very chill and that usually its more of what they wants, rather then what I want. These days, I began to stamp a little of my authority on things.
And as I finally acknowledges these fears. I feel a lot more lighter now. I am myself, I cannot alter things that had already happened, all I can do, is to be myself. To be true in everything I do. To let go. Finally, to have faith...and beliefs.
Thursday, July 04, 2013
ICT 2013
And so end unofficially my ICT for the year 2013. It also marks that half a year has already passed. Before I dwell on the half year mark. This post will be about ICT.
This year ICT is another low key affair. So, its pretty chill...in fact its super chill compared to last year si bei hectic schedule. Over 4 days, and in actual fact its only 3 days with Friday being a movie day. So, sponsored fully by SAF, how cool is that?..haha. We did really minimum training, with standard equipment training as well as body conditioning to the masks and our personal equipment. Of course, we aren't like our active days already, but still put in a decent performance I think. However, can see the overall company fitness level really drop like siao. Previously, the younger platoons are like quite fit because they ORD later than us. After one year passed, a lot of them cui liao....like really cui...I pushed myself hard during my IPPT and was amazed to see myself out running most of them, even my commanders. Though eventually I still failed, but I know that a pass is not impossible. Just need to put in additional effort.
In addition, the slower pace of life also gave me quite a breather in life. I finally got a chance to ponder, to walk slower and do day-to-day things without a rush. Ever since I gotten my BNP job and my break up with Adeline, I had never truly really have the time and place to just really chill and let myself come through.
It was awesome just spending time with the army bunk guys. People don't really change much at all. Even after 5 years, when we all come together, we still exude the same traits that define each of us. We still tease the same guys, we talk cock, we still have playful punches with each other. Each of us have a role in our day to day army life, that it seems so au naturel. Even down to the whinings, complains and sarcasm are still pretty much the same. The specs are still the same, we don't call each other by ranks anymore, just names.
People come and go, most of our old regulars have already been out of service or transferred somewhere else already, but the camp is still the same. And, Seletar Camp for 39th SCE is the oldest camp buildings in singapore, so things are pretty much the same. Its like pretty much like we never left, we just slipped back in time and into our Army Life like 5 years ago.
Overall, its a great ICT in my opinion. It provides me quite some insights and a break for my otherwise tired mind.
This year ICT is another low key affair. So, its pretty chill...in fact its super chill compared to last year si bei hectic schedule. Over 4 days, and in actual fact its only 3 days with Friday being a movie day. So, sponsored fully by SAF, how cool is that?..haha. We did really minimum training, with standard equipment training as well as body conditioning to the masks and our personal equipment. Of course, we aren't like our active days already, but still put in a decent performance I think. However, can see the overall company fitness level really drop like siao. Previously, the younger platoons are like quite fit because they ORD later than us. After one year passed, a lot of them cui liao....like really cui...I pushed myself hard during my IPPT and was amazed to see myself out running most of them, even my commanders. Though eventually I still failed, but I know that a pass is not impossible. Just need to put in additional effort.
In addition, the slower pace of life also gave me quite a breather in life. I finally got a chance to ponder, to walk slower and do day-to-day things without a rush. Ever since I gotten my BNP job and my break up with Adeline, I had never truly really have the time and place to just really chill and let myself come through.
It was awesome just spending time with the army bunk guys. People don't really change much at all. Even after 5 years, when we all come together, we still exude the same traits that define each of us. We still tease the same guys, we talk cock, we still have playful punches with each other. Each of us have a role in our day to day army life, that it seems so au naturel. Even down to the whinings, complains and sarcasm are still pretty much the same. The specs are still the same, we don't call each other by ranks anymore, just names.
People come and go, most of our old regulars have already been out of service or transferred somewhere else already, but the camp is still the same. And, Seletar Camp for 39th SCE is the oldest camp buildings in singapore, so things are pretty much the same. Its like pretty much like we never left, we just slipped back in time and into our Army Life like 5 years ago.
Overall, its a great ICT in my opinion. It provides me quite some insights and a break for my otherwise tired mind.
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