I think it has always been a recurring theme for awhile, or maybe not, but I feel that I am unsure what direction to take. So now am back in Singapore and the big boss of Investor Relations(IR) for Citco in Singapore got reached out to me and asked if I am interested in going back because there is an available one that will be available soon in IR. I didn't really make any announcements on my socials since I decided to stop posting on my own IG profile as I didn't want to be constantly on IG anymore except for Marly's profile. It was Wen Da, one of my ex-colleagues that reached out and also told the big boss about me coming back.
I always feel that I am unsure about going back to IR because for whatever reason, be it luck or be it my mental state was not stable during that period of time, it was not a happy and enjoyable work for me. I like my colleagues and I would say they are probably the best work colleagues I had ever. No politics and people helping out one and another and no like discrimination. Well, unless one is pretty cui when it comes to maintaining relationships. It was great.
However I feel that the work was draining and I am usually dreading it on some mornings and being just indifferent when going to work om better days. Of course, not to say that I didn't give it my all as I definitely put in some OTs and late nights and did my best in solving situations as much as possible. However, the long hours and probably things to cover still linger in my head.
My colleagues and bosses all feel that I do a good job but I always feel otherwise. Maybe it's the Imposter Syndrome that impaired me before hence I feel that way. Even so, when I try to visualize now in the future back at IR, I think I will still feel the anxiety and the fact that as a middle man, maintaining or trying to push other teams to deliver while I wait as something that I am not happy about.
Of course, there is another voice which I name it as the Practical Singaporean voice, which says that if you have a role opened for you why don't you take it since it's something that you had done before and you can do well with the money as well. If it's not what you want, then least you still got money while you carrying on with your search for another job.
To which another thought comes up and says that if OT is the norm, will I be able to have the energy and time to look/learn or to even switch industries ?
I think it's clear to say that I am not 100% with the role as I come to realise that I like to work on projects, to value add, to create things. For example, in MF execution back in BNP, the time I took on top of my BAU to create a macro that can fully automate extraction of data, reformatting data and in the end drafting the data into an email before a user review and release to the appropriate Front Office as my most proud thing in my career that I ever created. Back in Settlements, I used combination of Excel formulas to reformat blotter and to extract data so to reconcile them as something that I enjoyed creating and when it came into fruition, it is very satisfactory.
In Citco, there wasn't much data to be playing around though I did spend time to create step by step guides for myself and also shared with the new teammates from time to time. Other than that, there wasn't much opportunity to create things as mainly do things as a middle man, and following up where the respective BAUs are, providing the information to investors/clients. Finding information among the shared drives to understand what was being done previously, liasing with the clients on items they require and on things that they want us to do. I guess the part whereby liaising internally to get things done was in a way enjoyable as well, a bit reminiscing of MF execution where I will reach out to SECM for codes, FO to let them know on things and to take orders from them, ensuring that things are done. It's nice chatting with people from other department and understanding more on what they do and what they can't do and with that I can gauge on what sort of solution I can provide.
Cat thinks that a project manager role might be suitable for me because I like to interact with internal stakeholders more so than external stakeholders who tend to be a little pushy since they are the ones paying the company. Which I think in a way, yes, though like after what my studies with data analytics, I realise that domain knowledge is very important when it comes to analytics or even project management, so the worry is that which industry to head to with my current experience and what do I need to learn to enter the industry?
Another thing Cat thought of was to be an entrepreneur since I like to create solutions but I never really see myself as one who can run business. I think maybe I am more of like a handyman, just providing solutions , giving support to someone who can face external clients that's all. Just like in gaming, just provide support, I don't like to be the one who tank.
My mum also got mentioned that I shouldn't close the day to Citco and see if they are able to provide a role that has that aspect of creating or like such projects based items. If they don't have such a role now but maybe later ? I feel that in Investor Relations, the main BAU is as a middle man, providing information and while facing the stress of pleasing a client, am not too sure if such a role will have capacity or space for projects to solve existing efficiency problems.
Also, I just realise randomly that I don't like to be rushed into things and I like to do things at my own speed which of course is not ideal for a client facing role. Not saying that I will take my own sweet time but don't like the feeling of being pressured.
So yeah this is what I am currently feeling about.