Look forward and not backwards

 life is so unfair to me Gene.

This Whatsapp came through on Monday late night from my uncle. I guess the rain and the night and possibly drinks ? had gotten to my Uncle's mind again. It leads me to think for about 45 mins how to reply to him. I went through different iterations from being forceful to explain things to just being philosophical. Decided went with the philosophical mode, ended up with a 3 paragraph...lol

He replied that he cannot think that way and that the world is all against him. I know that I will be affected a bit by his mentality due to my HSP tendencies, so I decided to just go and sleep so I can recharge myself and see how to reply to him. I can empathize but I also feel that I don't want to continue to indulge in his notion that the world did him dirty. Besides it has already been 2 years, the time spent wallowing and  replaying the past is far too long. It's like being trapped in this constant loop and never getting out, while the world has moved on and you are just stagnant. Just thinking about it is really scary, it is like constantly living and replaying the same situation again and again. Kinda like the Izanami technique used in Naruto, it's just constant hell, just keep replaying over again and again. Ironically, like in the anime, the only way to break Izanami, is to just accept one's fate. Accept that we cannot change that reality. If not, then it will keep replaying until you accept your fate. 

Hmm, I think that life whether in good times or bad times, unfair stuffs always happen. I think it really depends on how we see it or react to it. I think if we can see that life is neither fair nor unfair, then we will realise a lot of things happened in life for a reason. So good things/bad things that already happened can be due to our actions , other people actions or even a combination of both parties actions 

It is never purely because one side is correct and the other side is wrong. I feel that we have to recognize that both sides probably made mistakes and that it eventually leads to the current situation. Or even lets say one strike lottery, it can only happen because one made the effort to buy the 4D ticket. So there is always an action before a reaction. I feel if you can understand that, then you will feel that the unfairness part of life will slowly go away because there isn’t really anything that is fair or unfair in life. In life, there are only actions and reactions, cause and effect. So the idea of fair or unfair is just something that is being created by our emotions. 

Sad to say, relying on emotions are not exactly a good way to live in life. But, being humans we also cannot avoid being emotionless. In the end, it is about acceptance I feel. Whenever I go thru life events that probably make me feel bad, hurt, angry, sad …I go thru those feelings...and most of the time, at the end of it, I still end up at acceptance. Only once we have acceptance then we can have peace.

Well the above is what I replied to him. Actually, the other day at Keyang's place, met up with the guys after a long period of time, saw Ben Song and I felt that he was a bit emo. Like the topics he brought up were pretty depressing and I felt that he seems to have gone through some realization as well. Overheard he talk about being impacted by his parents' past actions which actually lead us all to be who we are and how it kinda programmed us to react in a certain way. 

He asked me so what had I figured out between the old me and the new me since I got back from Sydney. I think there has been a lot of changes but I guess the one big thing that I take away is that we are always in control of our lives and there are always options. However, I did not tell Ben that, instead I just share one of the many things that I think about while in Sydney. Was that I had always want to portray myself in a certain way because I wanted society to see myself in a certain way. Of course, this will come crumbling down once your inner self suddenly don't resonate with what you try to portray yourself. Maybe you can convince yourself for some time, but once the confidence gets a hit, it will just be like a house of cards. So I told Ben that in Aussie, people don't really judge you and basically just don't really care whatever you want to do. " You do You" thats what they say. Whereas in Singapore or most Asian societies, you are always hearing you should do this or you should do that, why are you just wasting your time away...well all those sort of things. Eventually all these comments just become a spectre that hover around me until I always believe that I should do/feel/think in such a way. 

I used to care a lot of those kinda things but then I realise that it doesn't really matter. It's just a spectre, it cannot physically impact unless I let it impact me mentally. Being away from Singapore society, allows me to have a quiet time to myself , away from expectations and all. 

After realising that, I think the next level is to allow yourself to do things that resonate with yourself. Only with the external and internal selves aligned, both resonating with each other then it will no longer be a house of cards but a house made of bricks that are held together with concrete. 

I didn't make it that far with Ben on that topic, but I hope he will figure it out and be at peace with it. He should be able to because I know he is that kind that won't give up. I hope my uncle will be able to pull through and not give up, I feel that the only way he is to find his peace , is to accept and then fight back. Fight back and reclaim the control in his life, to rage against the gods and show that whatever life throws at him, he will take it. Even if he cannot do it, least that he has tried and that is something he should be proud with. Well I guess that's my take on it but I hope he looks forward and not backwards soon.  

Lumina Grand

 

It felt like back in Jan 2019 where we got this place in Senja, Bukit Panjang. Well, I honestly prefer to be nearer to my parents in Buangkok then, but the prices there were untenable. I mean it is still possible but I think at that point of time Bukit Panjang, struck me as a place where the properties will be cheaper. So, I decided to follow the basic principle which is to be near one side of the parents. Saw a couple of properties. 7 properties in total, and then we chanced upon this one. It's what Cat has always wanted because of the location, I mean its really God like you know. A direct bus to orchard, 30 mins train ride to town or to the west side of Jurong East , direct trains to work for both of us. By car is still only about 35 mins to my parents place. 

Honestly, initially I was skeptical because the prices were really steeped and we ended paying COV as well. Also, I didn't like that we were beside a core road as well as the LRT track just right down our place. The living room was not too bad , pretty alright but yeah it's kinda noisy. At the same time, I was probably tired of trying to look for other properties, though I now know it is not as many as other people did. I probably don't really feel as grateful for this house in the first 3 years as compared to now, mainly due to my depression and negativity back then. I was hung up on a lot of things and frankly I couldn't really envision that I would be able to stay in a Condo or a private property. Well but here we are, I mean it's not hard in stone yet because still pending HDB approval and frankly we need to save much more money before the TOP. 

Similarly with Lumina Grand, it has the same vibes as when we got this house. It's a place that Cat likes it a lot but one that I am not really convinced by. I didn't like the location and the way the buildings are so close to each other . So we were more interested in the other EC which is called Novo Place which would have put it right in Tengah area( although it's really the far end, nearer to Jurong East then Tengah). I personally prefer that as well because the distance between the blocks are further and that the whole estate aesthetically looks to be developed better. Downside is the lack of carparks and probably the layout is just decent only. 

So we tried the first stage balloting phase, but we couldn't get a unit because of the second timer limit (30%). Then we were offered this unit at Lumina Grand which was bounced out as Lumina Grand launch was in Jan 2024 which we can't qualify for and we were in Sydney. Developer didn't increase the price when it was released back into the market and at that point of time, I wasn't really comfortable with the place and it was also west sun facing, which in Sydney had experienced before, it's alright in winter but in Singapore weather, No thanks. I remember Ronald, Cat's brother thinks from an investment point of view, if we don't take it, it is crazy...because of the stringent procedures for EC and also the element of luck plays a lot in getting an EC. So if there is one that is right in front of ya, you should just take it. However, a part of me felt that there is something at Novo place, and if we never even tried, then I felt that we will never know if there is a chance to get that instead. 

The second ballot came, and we tried and...frankly it was pretty disappointing, we were way behind the numbers and the unit that we wanted were all gone. Earlier I did mention to our agent that if we get nothing from Novo, we are going straight into Lumina Grand. Coincidentally, the unit was still available all this while, for 2 to 3 weeks, no one went for it. Like Cat and the agent also mention, if it's yours, it's yours. Then it became a mad rush to put in the down payment and to get the paper work done. I guess most probably there are others as well, all decided to wait until after Novo Place 2nd timer ballot. Luckily, we manage to get it over the line. 

So here we are, with the largest asset purchase of our lives, and it's one that is definitely as of now, currently punching above our weight and a bit is dependent on us earning more so to least cover some Reno costs. Of course, we also factor in a car that's why its so tight , because frankly this place with no car is really inconvenient. 

I do want to mention that it is within the 1km to ACS primary which was another reason we went for it. The good school effect is very much still strong in Singapore. 

Yeah this is the story behind it. I didn't have an entry for this house back in 2019 but I guess this one hits different so it deserves an entry here. 

How life just zoom past

 It's time for another update, I don't know if this will be the last post for the year. Maybe. So I am back for awhile now and that I really felt that I never really left Singapore after all this time. Well, 18 months to be exact. It still feels surreal that I was living an expat life in Sydney just 6 months ago. How strange that it felt like a long time ago. 

I still can remember the particular corners and traffic lights when I drive to fetch Cat to and fro from work. The cold weather hitting my face especially during the winter time, the vast openness of their parks where Marly was able to run free without her leash and will always respond to us when we called her. She was so calm last time and unlike in SG where she is always triggered and will keep barking. And of course, my trusty Toyota Corolla aka Tofu, I wonder how he is doing now. Weird that I am treating an inanimate object as an animated one. 

So, it has already been just over a month since I started work. Quite a couple of things had happened, I mean outside of work also...work had been quite alright to be honest. The pace is much slower than when I started at Hedge Fund and maybe because I had already been used to the system and all, I pretty much got up to speed with the systems at a much faster time as compared to my very first joining them from BNP. I think this time around, maybe it's just me or not, but  I feel that there is added pressure since it was Steph who had reached out to get me back and of course Cheralyn as well. Then I seemed to like know quite a bit of the AVPs and the bigger bosses that I felt that maybe my other teammates would have treated me differently. However, I don't feel that's the case, so I think I am lucky. I still hang out with my old teammates quite frequently especially for lunch and all. I guess the Private Equity Team is small so people like Hannah got her own clicque but Bavani is usually alone though she seems ok with being alone. It's kinda a bit hard to like in my old team where we click pretty good together. Probably it is just me thinking too much again. In a nutshell, I think so far work has been pretty alright and it's just getting up to speed and to achieve my goal of getting promoted to Supervisor by the next end of the year. I think this time round I am back, I felt that I had to move fast and keep getting promoted because of course I had taken the time off back in Sydney and also about the 3 year period that the Fengshui master had told me that this 3 years is going to be the years where everything will be smooth and that I had to make the most of it. After that, it's not gonna be as good already. So it's like, it's all or nothing. 

So the other big change that I had mentioned earlier in this post was also the reason why I need to get my promotions. Is that both Cat and Me had gotten a Penthouse EC at Bukit Batok which cost ridiculous money , it really stretch our finances nearly to the max. It is not impossible but it will definitely push us to our limits. So the days of free spending the past 5 years, means that we need to tighten the wallets more. So the only way to get back to those days, is to up our pay. Cat says her salary is pretty much flat the next few years unless she get fast tracked to Partnership, so it's just up to me now. I think in PE team, I don't know if there will ever be 2 AVPs , now there is only 1 and this 1 has been in the position for a very long time. But there are definitely vacant positions for Supervisor, so my goal is to get one of those positions and that will increase my pay. 

I mean if you follow my past entries, I had always mentioned that I don't like this corporate ladder climbing, like if its get to political, I don't like it. Right now, I see that least up to VP level here, doesn't feel like there is any politics. Not saying that there wont be , but it feels like it. The Fengshui master also got mention that I don't do well in a planning kind of role aka higher management like C-suite. Do I aspire to be that ? Well I know that from the beginning I never really am interested in it. So as long as my role is not those planning kind , more of the hands on and more transactional kind, not those boring data entries kind then I will do well in them. It kinda reminds me why I actually thrived in certain customer servicing roles, like in IRAS and in BNP where I faced the different RMs. I like roles when people look to me as a problem solver , so that's kinda my interest. Frankly, here in Citco, I dont really like the long term prospects because more and more work are being moved to India and Manila. I think it will eventually be like an exclusive team of Singaporeans that will be working with not increasing much head count unless more biz is earned or if the clients specifically mention that they want Singaporeans and the not the offshore team(s). That will also mean how much higher can fees be raised , since Singaporeans are expensive and that the offshore teams are way much cheaper( I just learnt that a VP in Manila earns twice as less as me a Senior Officer). 

Well I guess that I probably need to head to another kind of direction, but in the meantime, I need to secure my promotion by the end of 2025. That's definitely my goal for the year.