Lunar New Year 2011

Well well...its the end of the LNY weekend, well it has been a non stop rush of activities for me during this LNY period. For the past 2 weeks, I had been running up and down and made NTUC@Nex my second home...lolz...cuz of spring cleaning and stuff. Had spent a lot of money on clothes and tidying up my room with brand new containers and boxes. But at least now its tidy and to some extent its organised. But of course, through out the year, it will be back to normal messy stage again. Somehow this year CNY, didnt really have much of a feel leh...wonder whether its because of my family or is it the fengshui stars for this year, but seems that this year everyone like kinda sianz leh. Went to ah ma hse, and my parents never even gamble as well and my uncle also pointed that out to me when my bro and me went over to his hse later on at night. 2nd day, didnt really spend time at home as well cuz popo they all came over to webcam with my uncle in australia, however, told kel that will be going over to her hse for steamboat le. Speaking of which, I was stuffed as many prawns as possible by her mum. LOL....seems that my mahjong luck at her place was rather good...haha. Night watched alls well ends well 2011 with LY at nex again...

3rd day went to work, boring max and shag...then had dinner with dad's friends and watched another movie with my dad's friends kids. Then gamble at friend's place. Following day, played bball with andrew and gang, cuz andrew flying off to aussie soon so last chance liao...uber shag max. After that went to LY place for another steamboat. Kinda weird at first, cuz like 2 couples and me...but ok lah...nt too bad. Proved that east is a VERY bad direction to face this year, mahjong pay tuition fees like siao...but change to blackjack and won back a bit. Pangseh kel and her partner to go to PH...cuz really tired, if go over also sure stoned de. Over 3 days with less than 8 hrs of sleep= a stoned n agitated eugene...haha...watched another CNY movie with LY...chatted a bit about career paths.

Ernest sms me to go home and help him with his CCA selection. First time he send sms saying that he seriously need my help....which is really weird. Rushed back and spent the next 30 mins sorting out his mind to get him to choose the path that he thought will be the best for himself. I never tell him what cca he should go to though, just told him what he want and that if want, just try lo. Then have the rest as back-up, though shouldnt be ones that he wont like de lo...

One of friends recently commented that I am weird that at this age, I don't have a gf....of cuz its pretty disturbing cuz she finds me like an alien. I wanted to ask her why she thinks its weird, but just answered that I most probably haven't met the right one yet. Thought a bit about this issue lo, then I thought of my other friends who like me am single ever since we were born. Then I thought about in what way does she means, when she said that I am weird. Maybe she thinks thats its weird that I dont have a gf, so she suspects that I am gay?..lolz...or maybe she thinks I am an otaku?..lol...maybe she read this blog and wonder why I so emo and that should have meant that I had a gf?...haha..However, I think it doesn't make me any less than a person that maybe had relationships before. I learnt a lot through out this 4 years, though it may be considered, that I had ended up without a catch. 


I learnt how its really possible to love someone so much, that I am able to strive and change a lot for someone, to love someone unconditionally, to put aside my own yearnings for a better good, to re-adjust my thinkings to suit other, to accept the imperfections that come with them and most importantly, to have trust and faith in that someone. I also learnt how sometimes things don't go your way, how people varies, how sometimes you want this person so much that you lose sight of the obvious signs. I learnt that sometimes someone always seems unsure of their feelings, they want certain things as well as keep the status quo. As well as some people are really oblivious to obvious hints( to me that is lah...maybe i am wrong=P). 


Needless to say, I learnt a lot about myself, my thoughts, how certain things can lead me to the darker side of things. The long period of black and white in life, the feeling of helpless at times, the feeling of loneliness and stuff like this. Of course, I phrased it in such way that it really seems that I been through a lot...but I am sure that there are others out there who had it worse. However, these are truly the lessons in life that affect and mold me the most to the person that I am today. Maybe in some sense, one can says that I am noob is that I never been in a real relationship before and that I don't understand the dynamics of being in one, so maybe I am weird after all...haha


In the future, I may meet someone, I may not as well...but if I am fortunate enough to be with someone, I am sure that I won't let that person down and that I will do my best to provide her with the things that I promise her.=)

A cheese on a mouse trap.

Recently, a recurring thought has been passing through my mind over and over again. I do not know whether is it a blessing or a nightmare waiting to happen. It has recently been eating me up, because it affects a very important person in my life. Various thoughts have been floating in my head, the probable good times, the probable bad times...the what ifs, the what hads....At times it felt like a dream comes true, and at times it felt like a disaster waiting to happen.

I had to admit that I was really confused for some time. Somehow, I began to see things more rationally. Maybe its due to fengshui or maybe my mind has configure in such a way. On hindsight, its really very much like a cheese on a mouse-trap. There were too many doubts about the whole situation and that too much was at stake.

Most importantly, is that I don't forget what I had set out to do in the beginning. What might happen in the future will be better left to the future me to decide. Whether a not some things are the right decisions in life, I would not have known until it has taken effect. So why bother about it now?

The aim that I had set out initially is much more important than my own personal yearnings. Will I rue it in the future? maybe...will I have regrets?..I doubt so cuz I think its the best move currently. Now, I am at peace.

I am no house-husband...

Didnt followed my family out to temple and buying whatever miscellaneous stuff today. Stayed at home, taking down curtains, reading the papers, thinking of ways to maximise my room space, thinking how to sort out things better, thinking how to arrange stuffs in ways that wouldn't harm the fengshui in the room.

While taking the curtains down, I was thinking just randomly about things that had been bouncing around in my head recently. I thought of the past, the future, the fengshui session, articles that I read in the papers regarding LKY. Stuff that was brought out yesterday between ming lee, jacob, nurul and me. Needless of cuz, I also thought about the people who are close to me. Seems like an awful amount of thoughts hur...haha..but I assure you, with our brainpower, we can definitely think a lot of things within 15 mins or so...its more of a touch and go thing anws.

I won't really elaborate about every touch and go issues that I mentioned just now, cuz I think those are meant to be as a post of their own...so lets not shortchange them bah...haha....Rather, I at times likes to do really mundane stuffs, like taking down curtains, cooking, packing, taking walks around the neighborhood and just sitting around and talking to close friends or sam. Its sort of keep me on the ground, to let me realise that there is still so much to life, that dreams are not as far as it seems.

Lets take an example, Sam always gives me a feeling that I know that there is always a pillar there for me, even if the sky falls( i am no chicken little please..haha). She is my window to a world that somewhat always seems so topsy-turvy and that people are sometimes not what they seems to be. Also, I think I am so comfortable around her that whatever I am thinking, no matter how absurd or weird to social norms, I don't mind exploring it with her, and whatsoever I am feeling, I just say it all out...I think maybe its the trust I have in her or something..ha...I just literally tells her everything...even down to things that just flashed through my mind=)

Currently, I feel that I have something to fight for...there is this dream that I set myself on the year of 2005..haha...I also feel that I got to learn and try to be more confident this year which is something I feel that its important. Compared to the past, I definitely much more confident le...able to talk around n socialise to some extent, but there is this thing call calmness that I am not still not good yet. I still stumble and stutters in some situations. At the same time, in emotionally charged events, I am still rather "lead by the nose"...Of course, I dont want to end up like a total robot but more of able to be somewhat stable that kind of things lo...we shall see for that aspect..haha

Oh...and recently I also have a really chilled and laid back attitude to relationships and stuff. Its like a poker game, where right now capital is low, so I just keep buying in to the game, but if the starting cards are no good, then I fold lo...if not I will follow to see the next cards or if the other player( the girl) will make any move a not. I don't want to force certain things anymore, even if I have some feelings, but the girl obviously no interest or so, then so be it lo(fold). Anws, love and such things needs 2 to clap and the right timing for feelings to grow, right? ( btw this is a friend's quote, disclaimer here ah)

Today met up with sam and eventually took a long walk around the neighbourhood....like literally walk around lorong chuan and stuff. Eventually send her to paul's place around xinmin sec there and then took another walk back to my grandma place for dinner at avenue 4.

There were some serious stuff that was thrown on the table which I won't say over here...but nonetheless, its a bit disturbing in some sense, maybe cuz I think I am a generally conservative person.* shrugs*...in any case, we did talk a lot about other stuff as well and as well as funny stuffs...haha...

In any case, I do hope that we will be able to hang out more often...cuz I totally need to teach her the singapore map...like seriously!!...haha

Anchors

Recently was reading on Adam Khoo's book. The book taught about how our minds work in some ways. One of them is how we like to anchor our feelings/emotions to certain thoughts,objects and even people around us. For an example like when you see someone, then you will have certain thoughts about that someone.

In my case, I think that I had attached certain emotions on to muddy. I know that somehow my chances with her is nearing zero already, and I had somewhat had resigned to that fate. Cuz maybe I am exhausted? or I just felt "thats enough". However, everytime I see her name on my phone, or if anything that's related to her. A whole lot of feelings will come attached with it. Like old emotions like lack of reciprocation, loneliness, resentment, hope and a certain amount of self denial. Was suppose to meet up this saturday evening, but she had to call it off cuz she have her previous cca chalet. Well, and definitely some resentment came out because it always seems to be the case. But, anws in any case, it really sucks to anticipate for something only for it to be cancel or whatsoever, thats probably one of the reasons why if I agree to something, I will always try to make it, unless something really bad happens.

Also, there are other anchors that I had sub-consciously placed on muddy. Like how only she is the ideal girl for me and how well we complement each other and stuff. Its really fascinating how our sub-conscious can fool even ourselves. I think this is what generally what people meant when " the heart and mind dont think alike", and it causes disequilibrium. I have to agree that I cannot find anyone else currently suited to me, but then again it could be my mind playing up certain characteristics of her so that I thought that she is the one. However, feelings-wise, I don't really get any vibes from her and stuff. I think its time that I just accept the fact that we are just really friends and that's all to it. And learn how to treat her like her I treat my other female friends. Whether eventually she is the one a not, I don't think there is a need to even consider it because the thought will definitely lead me on. Just like an addiction. 

Regarding on anchors, I think thats why sometimes when we are with a group of friends, we are generally talkative but with another, we are as quiet as students in an examination. Maybe, its due to the different anchors that we attach to our friends that we react differently to different groups. And if thats really the case, are we able to re-configure ourselves so that we can always show the true sides of ourselves to our friends. But, on hindsight, in various social relationships we have with others, we all play different roles in our various relationships. In some relationships, we may be the main focal point. In others, we may be the supporting cast.
So, on anchors, I feel that if we are able to change on some negative anchors like in my case, maybe things might be better?

There are things in this world that can never be fully comprehended and that maybe its just that way of life. Sometimes there are questions that will always be left unanswered and that maybe we have to live with that. Unfortunately for me, I am someone who needs to know why even though I know that knowing it will not have any impact or worse, cause a negative impact on the whole situation. Maybe I am someone that hates things to end without any closure. However, there are some instances where just leaving it may solve...and in some cases, solved in other ways as well.

2011

Well well...first post of the new year. Woohoo~~~!!!!!...lolz...actually not so high de lah, its just another year to me. Been sometime since I lost blog, well was away in malaysia mah. Came back with food poisoning or something...its has been like god damn long since I last threw up, I never like throwing up...it always sucks...someway to end the year hur=.= But Guess what, my siblings also kenna, so it ain't all that bad lo=P

This year new year celebration was rather low-key. Went to jon's place for gambling sessions as usual, what else....haha met some of the other 4e1 guys for dinner and movie. Then leonard took us up to somerset 313 for some night scenery and then we went by esplanade to see if we can find some place to see the fireworks...but then we decided to go back to serangoon garden celebration instead. However, along the way, i felt my tummy acting up again and was rather shag from the gambling...so didnt follow them to the countdown lo...which i slightly regretted...other than that, thats all to my new year lo

Last year was a rather crazy year in terms of studies and in terms of friendships as well....oks and in a lot of other aspects as well. You know sometimes, i wonder whether its better to have a more eventful year or just a stable and steady year ahead. I don't really like the notion of just doing the same thing over and over again...its rather dull but when my study life ends, life will be like that right? haha...I wonder how am I gonna cope with working life and stuff. Maybe I should be like sam, and keep thinking of new stuffs to do, projects to take up instead of just nua-ing...and for her she needs to do the opposite, cuz she has a tendency of  over -working...lolz....oks maybe i am just bored now...haha...time to pick up my books to read=X