Letting Go 

Someone: Woah. really pei-fu you
Me: Hmm?? Why?
Someone: Able to let go of something after so long
Me: Oh...haha...actually its really nothing much lah.
Someone: you should be able to have a good night sleep liaos..haha

Actually, the above is not the fully word for word msn conversation lah. But the gist is there lor. What I want to highlight is the last portion...having a good night sleep. I would like it to define it as able to have a mindset that is somewhat free from the shackles of a certain inhibition. Really, after letting go of something that is deeply embedded in my conscious. that even I am not fully aware of, its really a nice feeling. How to say ah? Its like nowadays my memories and emotions that were attached to it, is slowly disappearing already...I no longer can feel the emotions and thoughts that I thought and rant about the particular incident anymore. I feel lighter though I am 72kg...mind you..haha...but its like I feel that...hmm...I don't have to hide anything anymore? I don't have to justify certain actions anymore, I don't have to be afraid neither do I have to tie a string to the past. I can't really pin-point why letting go of this something actually give me confidence as well as making me feel much stronger in front of people. Its as if that I can show to people..you know like 100% Eugene...that kind of feeling, I don't feel a particular rush into relationships and such things anymore, maybe its just a coincidence that the letting go coincides with all theses stuff. However, I feel that there is a certain positive correlation between these variables.

Thinking back, there had been things that I said and emphasized about which was just a way of affirmation, a way of trying to prove things. Mind you, I never say nor do anything that would compromise the happiness of the other. And, I will never will..regardless to anyone. So there are things that I will not say anymore, there will be things that I won't think...oks...actually its I can't think anymore because...well...I am having an amnesia( if u read above paragraph). Haha...the very few times where I agree with having an amnesia aka STM...lolz.  Even to others, I don't have to say certain things already, to say certain things like " oh, so-and-so is still the best" and stuff like that. Well, technically the spectre was the best, not the reincarnation. No ill intentions intended here ah. So...yeap things have been good so far in that sense.=)

To this blog readers, is there anything that deep down you can't let go? It may not be so obvious, but if its restricting you to a certain extent, maybe its time to let go before it became it became so embedded in one's conscious that it starts to creep into your daily actions? Just a food for thought ah...don't go screwing yourself up over this ah.=)..

These are some things that I want to share with you all because who knows? you might have the same issue with me, oks I sincerely hope not=X.

Shit...over 10pm le...mug mug mug!!!

Minutes falling like leaves from a Tree.

Phew~ I am uber shag today but but...I got to mug later...so lemme see now its 9.30pm, so I got another 30 minutes of slacking time. Gotta mug till 2am...no choice liaos...although I failed my prelims( expected though), but still it really sucks....REALLY SUCKS...and its micro somemore...haiz...really sianz ttm. Then thinking of the complexities of CF and EOE to name a few...well its freaky. Life's a bitch. HAHA...kinda like that phrase nowadays...lolz. Truth be told, I really should have started way earlier, but I will not be dwelling on the past mistakes ah, its already gone, the next 4 weeks will be the defining moments. I really can feel the stress liao, really reminded me of why zhenni snapped back in the past ard this time when I said something and all. Its really damn irritating if someone now tells me that there is enough time, the point is....THERE ISN'T!!!...well given my level of understanding currently. I won't go into the mode of complaining and ranting, nor will be going on what to do nor will I sigh. I will just put in more effort to whatever I am doing now, and try to understand things better lo. Even if I am going down, I don't want to go down without a fight. Well, so I will try to sleep only 5 hrs of a day liao. Coffee/ Tea will be my new mistress...haha...oh and Sleep? sorry got to avoid u for the month or so...I will repay my debts to you once all this is over. Mia-neh.

Life's Complexities 

Life overall is a rather complex equation, don't you all think? Its not like we can collapse everything into a finite significant factors like the APT, neither could we collapse everything into a standard market portfolio(social norms). Sorry for the finance usage here...if any of you are feeling curious, you can search the web for the def. If not, I think the only person who would know this would be cat...haha

Because of the uncertain future, we do not know whether what awaits us, whether what ever we are doing now is the right thing. From another point of view, whatever we are doing now will have some sort of impact on the future, so we need to be cautious with our actions. Then again, if we are overly cautious, then what if we missed an opportunity?

Its such dilemmas that make life rather difficult to go through, no? What may be right for me, won't be the right thing for you. Its like you prefer omelette, I prefer bacon....both also give proteins, so neither of us are wrong nor right. At times, we may be on cross roads, where we look left and right, and that both gave the same outlook.So which one will choose, some chose with their gut feelings, others choose with rationality. Others being indifferent, just flip the coin. A minority would just jump off the road and into the unknown.

All these can happened because we are all shaped differently, being in different situations. One may have gone through some shitty times to arrive in his/her current state, another may have gone through a more chilled process. Hence the different outlooks and reactions in life. Even in close friends situation, when one knows that somehow your friend should not be doing it, but in the end, he/she still do it, in what position are we to say that its wrong? I think Confucius saying is truly apt here: " Say what you have to say, but don't ask to be snubbed"...I seriously think this is my all time fav phrase...lolz

Likewise, I really feel that a close friend shouldn't have done certain things if not she will not be in her current predicament now. But like what I said before, who are we to say what should be done? and mindsets changed...so again, whats right whats wrong? Well, folks I think if we are in such a situation, then we should just do whats is required for us to do at the current point of time and help our friend in whatever possible way we deemed that it should be done lo. Of course, whether its being done or not, its another question. However, least we have done what friends should do. Definitely, as friends, there is some form of worries here and there, but well there's a limit to whatever we can do, don't we?

Now, lets go onto the topic of uncertainty. As much as I would like to know when I am going to leave this world, so that I can plan what to do(oks I don't wish to know)...but in reality, we will never know don't we? So how do we convince ourselves to carry on living? I think the answers lies in dreams and hopes. Hope that there will be a happy ending for us, the hope that we will be able to achieve something. Hope that when I open my eyes, I will still be able to see the world before I close them...so who says day-dreaming sucks?!!...well, just don't do it excessively can liaos...LOL.

With sapph, there is also this kind of uncertainty, there are times when I told myself to not start any conversations. She just have to pian pian contact me, then when I asked whats up, she say nothing...and then MIA for some time...I will be like...hur...and sometimes she will contact me out of the blue. When its my turn to contact her, then got dao...wth...lolz...really uncertain here sia...u make me go round and round siol. @.@
( in any case, you may realise that this is just some brainless paragraph here=P)

So, isn't life cheem??...HAHA


 

Popping by

Seriously, studying at home is dangerously distracting...haha...with msn, bed , lappy, youtube, msn, tv nearby. But, its cheap!! because can cook, food sources are a few minutes away, no soft drinks...haha...though i got a huge stock of ice cream currently=.= no thanks to my dad...ice cream can be my staple food for the week liaoss...haha

Hopefully, I can finish my goal by April 25th....pray hard but time is not on my side sia... Like in army, the 24km route march...I should just think of marching and not think of the end. Speaking of army, there had been quite a couple of unflattering pictures of SAF recently. With the maid incident and others as well...haha..

To the spectre that has always haunted me:

The spectre that has haunted me for quite some time, well I think it has finally been exorcised. All it took was just a word to break that spectre that had me quite enamored recently. Actually, to some extent, I think I might missed that spectre..haha...but a spectre should never exist in the present. It never should. It remains in the past, in memories, thats where spectres should be. Like ghosts that finally drop their grudges and be reincarnated. This dear spectre of mine should also drop it's fantasies and join the rest in reincarnation. It had been a fantastic journey this period of time, at times, rather torturing period as well....but I am glad I went through it. This really remind me about harry potter and the deathly hallows. This is the last hallow that haven't been destroyed, and now it has...and like riddle's diary, its pretty disheartening to see it destroyed. As I stabbed the basilisk fang into the diary, with poison oozing out and the spectre crying out in pain. I bid goodbye and thank the spectre for everything. With a bright light, the spectre changed into a white being and smile at me while making her way up to where she belongs. My memories. Goodbye then spectre, from now on, I will be able to protect your reincarnation without any hesitation and restrictions anymore.=)

Jo's 21st Void Deck Celebration( Say Whatt?)

Ytd, is our dear JOSY's 21st!!!...haha...so me and GK went down to her place with the angry birds cake( actually cup-cakes ) and then we had fun torturing her...LOL...21st is to torture de leh!!!!...hehehe...actually we very nice liao lor, we never use "un-blowable" candles and we never smash her face with the cup-cakes. Though I got her to use her mouth and eat the birds without hands, and we kinda just "sugar torture" her...haha...cuz the cup cakes were REALLY sweet..because its all icing...even I cannot tahan=X. So after the craziness, we sat down  and chat a bit...oh..did i mention that Jo damn cute, she was like jumping and hopping around when we were there with the cake late at night. HAHA....Apparently, she saw us walking to her block liaozz, no surprises there liao=(....haha...but its really fun yesterday night. Here are the pics below!!=P

 The Birds and The Pigs

JO looking apprehensive...HAHA

THE TORTURE!!!..Actually seems like I am the only one executing it=X

Cant explained the duplicated pic below the video...just ignore it lo=)

 The best looking of all

The King is actually crownless if u notice...and brainless as well..=P

Chill Out Session

To kick off April with a bang, yesterday was a rather fun day to begin with. Tried to complete Options tutorial quickly, eventually took an awful lot of time of completing it due to 3 questions that I never do the previous time. Gosh..everytime do CF tutorial, seriously take up a lot of time. Hopefully will be able to complete my tutorials on time so to proceed to the next level.

Went to give ren and ben a surprise at gardens...haha..actually I suppose to meet TH for a chill out session then I knew ren they all are there so just pop by to chat with them lo. Then after that went to meet TH, so we were just chilling out at a pub near his house watching soccer matches. So, I was just talking with him about things that happened so far in my life and we talked about careers and our future. It just struck me that actually a lot of us, seriously don't really know what we wanna do with our lives. Eventually, all of us just know one thing...ability to earn lots of money. Well, its not a bad decision actually considering money is one of the most important commodity ever created.

Sometimes, I wonder is it our society that embedded in all of us a certain procedure in life where we had to be at certain stages at a certain age of our life. I am not saying its wrong or anything, but we ended up pressuring ourselves to be someone that maybe we aren't or not yet ready to be at a certain stage. In the past, I always emphasized on the need to have a goal or an aim in life, because that will definitely spur us on and achieve what we want. However, the problem facing a lot of people(including me) is that what is one's aim? to be a mafia leader? a vet? slacker? CEO of a company? I feel that its not really that we don't know what we want but rather we have so many choices to choose, which forces a lot of us to rethink our initial choices. Oh..and I haven't add in the factor of social pressures. I know a primary school friend who wanted to be a construction engineer, to design construction vehicles since young and then now he is a NS regular. I am not saying that one should follow their primary school dreams..gosh...we were so naive last time to even really consider a job/goal/ profession correctly. But, what I want to highlight was that the change in our decisions. At least my friend knew what he wanted. Many like us still are at cross roads after cross roads. Personally, I don't think its a sin to NOT know what you want but maybe have some short term goals instead and when the time comes to cross the bridge, then decide lo.

For me, I am almost 90% sure which industry I want to go to. However, whether I am able to get into or which area will I end up at, I seriously also don't know. But I have some sort of plan that I had set within this year, so we shall see about it. Then after that, we were talking about why its alright to for girls to not bother much about careers and for men to be more stress by it. No offense here, I am not being sexist as well but most women have the option which in some ways seem as a short-cut that they can rely on the men as bread-winners to support the family and themselves. Whereas men? well we don't really have much choice, do we? we just have to support our family. Of course, nowadays both sexes are equally career driven and stuff..but what I want to highlight here is that, ceteris paribus, women have a back door out. So felt rather weird that we were talking about careers then HDB and wedding costs..lolz...Then we were talking about grad trips and stuff, then of course if got moolah, it wont be a problem lo...unfortunately for me, it seems a bit impossible to go to the road trip with ren and ben le...because I think I need a good 1.5k min to go=(...which unfortunately it will be a significant drain from my savings....emo nemo sia...should have work more during last year holidays and spend lesser.