Look forward and not backwards

 life is so unfair to me Gene.

This Whatsapp came through on Monday late night from my uncle. I guess the rain and the night and possibly drinks ? had gotten to my Uncle's mind again. It leads me to think for about 45 mins how to reply to him. I went through different iterations from being forceful to explain things to just being philosophical. Decided went with the philosophical mode, ended up with a 3 paragraph...lol

He replied that he cannot think that way and that the world is all against him. I know that I will be affected a bit by his mentality due to my HSP tendencies, so I decided to just go and sleep so I can recharge myself and see how to reply to him. I can empathize but I also feel that I don't want to continue to indulge in his notion that the world did him dirty. Besides it has already been 2 years, the time spent wallowing and  replaying the past is far too long. It's like being trapped in this constant loop and never getting out, while the world has moved on and you are just stagnant. Just thinking about it is really scary, it is like constantly living and replaying the same situation again and again. Kinda like the Izanami technique used in Naruto, it's just constant hell, just keep replaying over again and again. Ironically, like in the anime, the only way to break Izanami, is to just accept one's fate. Accept that we cannot change that reality. If not, then it will keep replaying until you accept your fate. 

Hmm, I think that life whether in good times or bad times, unfair stuffs always happen. I think it really depends on how we see it or react to it. I think if we can see that life is neither fair nor unfair, then we will realise a lot of things happened in life for a reason. So good things/bad things that already happened can be due to our actions , other people actions or even a combination of both parties actions 

It is never purely because one side is correct and the other side is wrong. I feel that we have to recognize that both sides probably made mistakes and that it eventually leads to the current situation. Or even lets say one strike lottery, it can only happen because one made the effort to buy the 4D ticket. So there is always an action before a reaction. I feel if you can understand that, then you will feel that the unfairness part of life will slowly go away because there isn’t really anything that is fair or unfair in life. In life, there are only actions and reactions, cause and effect. So the idea of fair or unfair is just something that is being created by our emotions. 

Sad to say, relying on emotions are not exactly a good way to live in life. But, being humans we also cannot avoid being emotionless. In the end, it is about acceptance I feel. Whenever I go thru life events that probably make me feel bad, hurt, angry, sad …I go thru those feelings...and most of the time, at the end of it, I still end up at acceptance. Only once we have acceptance then we can have peace.

Well the above is what I replied to him. Actually, the other day at Keyang's place, met up with the guys after a long period of time, saw Ben Song and I felt that he was a bit emo. Like the topics he brought up were pretty depressing and I felt that he seems to have gone through some realization as well. Overheard he talk about being impacted by his parents' past actions which actually lead us all to be who we are and how it kinda programmed us to react in a certain way. 

He asked me so what had I figured out between the old me and the new me since I got back from Sydney. I think there has been a lot of changes but I guess the one big thing that I take away is that we are always in control of our lives and there are always options. However, I did not tell Ben that, instead I just share one of the many things that I think about while in Sydney. Was that I had always want to portray myself in a certain way because I wanted society to see myself in a certain way. Of course, this will come crumbling down once your inner self suddenly don't resonate with what you try to portray yourself. Maybe you can convince yourself for some time, but once the confidence gets a hit, it will just be like a house of cards. So I told Ben that in Aussie, people don't really judge you and basically just don't really care whatever you want to do. " You do You" thats what they say. Whereas in Singapore or most Asian societies, you are always hearing you should do this or you should do that, why are you just wasting your time away...well all those sort of things. Eventually all these comments just become a spectre that hover around me until I always believe that I should do/feel/think in such a way. 

I used to care a lot of those kinda things but then I realise that it doesn't really matter. It's just a spectre, it cannot physically impact unless I let it impact me mentally. Being away from Singapore society, allows me to have a quiet time to myself , away from expectations and all. 

After realising that, I think the next level is to allow yourself to do things that resonate with yourself. Only with the external and internal selves aligned, both resonating with each other then it will no longer be a house of cards but a house made of bricks that are held together with concrete. 

I didn't make it that far with Ben on that topic, but I hope he will figure it out and be at peace with it. He should be able to because I know he is that kind that won't give up. I hope my uncle will be able to pull through and not give up, I feel that the only way he is to find his peace , is to accept and then fight back. Fight back and reclaim the control in his life, to rage against the gods and show that whatever life throws at him, he will take it. Even if he cannot do it, least that he has tried and that is something he should be proud with. Well I guess that's my take on it but I hope he looks forward and not backwards soon.  

Lumina Grand

 

It felt like back in Jan 2019 where we got this place in Senja, Bukit Panjang. Well, I honestly prefer to be nearer to my parents in Buangkok then, but the prices there were untenable. I mean it is still possible but I think at that point of time Bukit Panjang, struck me as a place where the properties will be cheaper. So, I decided to follow the basic principle which is to be near one side of the parents. Saw a couple of properties. 7 properties in total, and then we chanced upon this one. It's what Cat has always wanted because of the location, I mean its really God like you know. A direct bus to orchard, 30 mins train ride to town or to the west side of Jurong East , direct trains to work for both of us. By car is still only about 35 mins to my parents place. 

Honestly, initially I was skeptical because the prices were really steeped and we ended paying COV as well. Also, I didn't like that we were beside a core road as well as the LRT track just right down our place. The living room was not too bad , pretty alright but yeah it's kinda noisy. At the same time, I was probably tired of trying to look for other properties, though I now know it is not as many as other people did. I probably don't really feel as grateful for this house in the first 3 years as compared to now, mainly due to my depression and negativity back then. I was hung up on a lot of things and frankly I couldn't really envision that I would be able to stay in a Condo or a private property. Well but here we are, I mean it's not hard in stone yet because still pending HDB approval and frankly we need to save much more money before the TOP. 

Similarly with Lumina Grand, it has the same vibes as when we got this house. It's a place that Cat likes it a lot but one that I am not really convinced by. I didn't like the location and the way the buildings are so close to each other . So we were more interested in the other EC which is called Novo Place which would have put it right in Tengah area( although it's really the far end, nearer to Jurong East then Tengah). I personally prefer that as well because the distance between the blocks are further and that the whole estate aesthetically looks to be developed better. Downside is the lack of carparks and probably the layout is just decent only. 

So we tried the first stage balloting phase, but we couldn't get a unit because of the second timer limit (30%). Then we were offered this unit at Lumina Grand which was bounced out as Lumina Grand launch was in Jan 2024 which we can't qualify for and we were in Sydney. Developer didn't increase the price when it was released back into the market and at that point of time, I wasn't really comfortable with the place and it was also west sun facing, which in Sydney had experienced before, it's alright in winter but in Singapore weather, No thanks. I remember Ronald, Cat's brother thinks from an investment point of view, if we don't take it, it is crazy...because of the stringent procedures for EC and also the element of luck plays a lot in getting an EC. So if there is one that is right in front of ya, you should just take it. However, a part of me felt that there is something at Novo place, and if we never even tried, then I felt that we will never know if there is a chance to get that instead. 

The second ballot came, and we tried and...frankly it was pretty disappointing, we were way behind the numbers and the unit that we wanted were all gone. Earlier I did mention to our agent that if we get nothing from Novo, we are going straight into Lumina Grand. Coincidentally, the unit was still available all this while, for 2 to 3 weeks, no one went for it. Like Cat and the agent also mention, if it's yours, it's yours. Then it became a mad rush to put in the down payment and to get the paper work done. I guess most probably there are others as well, all decided to wait until after Novo Place 2nd timer ballot. Luckily, we manage to get it over the line. 

So here we are, with the largest asset purchase of our lives, and it's one that is definitely as of now, currently punching above our weight and a bit is dependent on us earning more so to least cover some Reno costs. Of course, we also factor in a car that's why its so tight , because frankly this place with no car is really inconvenient. 

I do want to mention that it is within the 1km to ACS primary which was another reason we went for it. The good school effect is very much still strong in Singapore. 

Yeah this is the story behind it. I didn't have an entry for this house back in 2019 but I guess this one hits different so it deserves an entry here. 

How life just zoom past

 It's time for another update, I don't know if this will be the last post for the year. Maybe. So I am back for awhile now and that I really felt that I never really left Singapore after all this time. Well, 18 months to be exact. It still feels surreal that I was living an expat life in Sydney just 6 months ago. How strange that it felt like a long time ago. 

I still can remember the particular corners and traffic lights when I drive to fetch Cat to and fro from work. The cold weather hitting my face especially during the winter time, the vast openness of their parks where Marly was able to run free without her leash and will always respond to us when we called her. She was so calm last time and unlike in SG where she is always triggered and will keep barking. And of course, my trusty Toyota Corolla aka Tofu, I wonder how he is doing now. Weird that I am treating an inanimate object as an animated one. 

So, it has already been just over a month since I started work. Quite a couple of things had happened, I mean outside of work also...work had been quite alright to be honest. The pace is much slower than when I started at Hedge Fund and maybe because I had already been used to the system and all, I pretty much got up to speed with the systems at a much faster time as compared to my very first joining them from BNP. I think this time around, maybe it's just me or not, but  I feel that there is added pressure since it was Steph who had reached out to get me back and of course Cheralyn as well. Then I seemed to like know quite a bit of the AVPs and the bigger bosses that I felt that maybe my other teammates would have treated me differently. However, I don't feel that's the case, so I think I am lucky. I still hang out with my old teammates quite frequently especially for lunch and all. I guess the Private Equity Team is small so people like Hannah got her own clicque but Bavani is usually alone though she seems ok with being alone. It's kinda a bit hard to like in my old team where we click pretty good together. Probably it is just me thinking too much again. In a nutshell, I think so far work has been pretty alright and it's just getting up to speed and to achieve my goal of getting promoted to Supervisor by the next end of the year. I think this time round I am back, I felt that I had to move fast and keep getting promoted because of course I had taken the time off back in Sydney and also about the 3 year period that the Fengshui master had told me that this 3 years is going to be the years where everything will be smooth and that I had to make the most of it. After that, it's not gonna be as good already. So it's like, it's all or nothing. 

So the other big change that I had mentioned earlier in this post was also the reason why I need to get my promotions. Is that both Cat and Me had gotten a Penthouse EC at Bukit Batok which cost ridiculous money , it really stretch our finances nearly to the max. It is not impossible but it will definitely push us to our limits. So the days of free spending the past 5 years, means that we need to tighten the wallets more. So the only way to get back to those days, is to up our pay. Cat says her salary is pretty much flat the next few years unless she get fast tracked to Partnership, so it's just up to me now. I think in PE team, I don't know if there will ever be 2 AVPs , now there is only 1 and this 1 has been in the position for a very long time. But there are definitely vacant positions for Supervisor, so my goal is to get one of those positions and that will increase my pay. 

I mean if you follow my past entries, I had always mentioned that I don't like this corporate ladder climbing, like if its get to political, I don't like it. Right now, I see that least up to VP level here, doesn't feel like there is any politics. Not saying that there wont be , but it feels like it. The Fengshui master also got mention that I don't do well in a planning kind of role aka higher management like C-suite. Do I aspire to be that ? Well I know that from the beginning I never really am interested in it. So as long as my role is not those planning kind , more of the hands on and more transactional kind, not those boring data entries kind then I will do well in them. It kinda reminds me why I actually thrived in certain customer servicing roles, like in IRAS and in BNP where I faced the different RMs. I like roles when people look to me as a problem solver , so that's kinda my interest. Frankly, here in Citco, I dont really like the long term prospects because more and more work are being moved to India and Manila. I think it will eventually be like an exclusive team of Singaporeans that will be working with not increasing much head count unless more biz is earned or if the clients specifically mention that they want Singaporeans and the not the offshore team(s). That will also mean how much higher can fees be raised , since Singaporeans are expensive and that the offshore teams are way much cheaper( I just learnt that a VP in Manila earns twice as less as me a Senior Officer). 

Well I guess that I probably need to head to another kind of direction, but in the meantime, I need to secure my promotion by the end of 2025. That's definitely my goal for the year. 

A lesson for us all on being kind to everyone including ourselves

So I believe I had mentioned before in my previous posts about my uncle david from my dad's side who is going through a very bad time. With his divorce or separation and also to deal with the aftermath of the fallout between our second uncle and himself which is like a sore wedge between all the brothers. 

TL:DR during Ah Ma passing that period, it seems that my uncle David was also going through a separation between my auntie and himself and also that both my cousins decided to follow my auntie. During that period, my second uncle, being his usual egotistic and insensitive self, kept trying to get my uncle David to do some things for him and also bypassing command and contacting my cousin directly. At the same time, with his temper as well as his insensitive comments eventually push uncle David over the edge( at that same time, he was facing his separation issue), and cause my uncle David to implode that he tried to literally punch him. So ever since then, there is always this thing between uncle David and the rest of the uncles, including my dad. Of course, we are all worried for him because it seems like he has lost the will to live , to move forward. His front teeth dropped out and he didn't go to fix it, he is not getting enough sleep for 2 years, his views of the world are all dark and slightly warped. He mentioned that he just went home and then zoned out, kept crying then started the day all over again. His health also went downhill with Shingles and also fainted at home, with no one knowing that he fainted, only to regain consciousness again after a while(God knows how long). 

On the problem with my second uncle, it seems that at this rate, things probably will not be getting any better between all of them. But hopefully it will mellow and things can be better in the future but definitely not in the short term I believe. 

On the problem with his marriage, I feel that whatever happens in the past, was something that can be avoided but unfortunately, at the end of the day, if it failed , it failed. So last week, we 3 kids met up with Uncle David to listen and to advise him but end of the day, if he feels that there is no way forward in that end. For us kids, so be it because ultimately we cannot advise too much without knowing the context but based on our marriage experience(s), what happened in the past could be mitigated and there is still a chance to reconcile in our opinion. However, like I say, we don't know the full context so maybe he had tried but my auntie is an absolute no. I would like to think that's not the case and I really wanted to know what my auntie thinks. Sadly, my uncle feels that if we sound her out then there is a possibility that we may disturb the current dynamics such that my auntie won't ever want to meet up with him or rather allow their daughters to meet up with him anymore. Unfortunately, that option is closed to me but my intuition or curiosity feel that if I meet up with Auntie then there might be something I could help in a way, maybe not be the bridge between them but more of guiding them to understand my uncle personality and for him to want to change. Anyways, I don't really have a clue what actually happened that caused my auntie to go down this route, is it the constant negativity or is it he did something wrong. 

Because I was also pretty similar with my uncle for a period of time and I am sure I had made Cat feel really unhappy in the relationship. The situation that got me thinking was that one day Cat had suddenly woken up from a dream and cried that I will leave her because it feels like she was the one that make me unhappy. All along I thought that she was the one not happy with me but when it became apparent that I was the one making her unhappy, it kinda trigger a change in my mindset that I need to recognize and acknowledge that all along I was the problem.

Maybe it also seems to coincide with me reading about imposter syndrome and pulling away from work anxiety issues that also allows me to take a step back and acknowledge where things are going or maybe like the fengshui winds are changing for the better. But I got a better understanding of my mindset and on how to move forward. 

It is scary personally because I feel that both my uncle and I have the same kind of personality and that there were so many similarities in how we perceive things. I think what kinda saved me from spiralling every deeper was that Cat was more patient and held on longer and also probably I was pulled away from the unseen pressures of being in Singaporean Society. Once abroad, one's perspectives will changed and that one will realise that society at large is pretty big and that actually we are pretty much always in control of what we do and think. There are other ways of living life and that the world is a very big place. I know that I am privileged to be able to travel to many places by my age and also the opportunity to live abroad albeit a short period of time. So I know that there are possible many people who don't or unable to have the opportunity to do so. Hopefully, for them they are able to find their peace wherever they are in life. For my uncle, I had wished that when I am back, I would be able to help him better as I now see things a bit differently and that I also have the emotional capacity to do so but alas, his divorce and separation had happened while I was not at the right stage of mind and also when I was far away in Sydney. 

It is unfortunate that not many people understand HSPs and how they work and comprehend things, also within HSPs there are many different kind of mindsets and characters which lead them to do what they do. Luckily there are more information online for people like us but it is still up to us on how to set ourselves up for society as currently in Singapore Society, I do not believe that it is ready for HSPs nor society really know how to handle us at our worsts. 

Back to my Uncle David case, I hope that he will be able to find his peace and his motivation in life because he is only 51 or so and that still have a good second part of life to carry on. I am not sure if he has an underlying belly of fire, I know that for me, once I am at an absolute bottom, maybe some show or something will kickstart a fight in me and will rage against the world and to continue to fight back so to get my life back. I feel that I get that from my mom, but I'm not sure if my uncle has that in it because it feels like for quite a few phases of life, he ran away from a challenge. Although right now he is raging against my second uncle for his insensitivity and unfair treatment but to what avail, I feel that his anger is targeted at a spectre and not at what life throws at him. 

At a junction

 I think it has always been a recurring theme for awhile, or maybe not, but I feel that I am unsure what direction to take. So now am back in Singapore and the big boss of Investor Relations(IR) for Citco in Singapore got reached out to me and asked if I am interested in going back because there is an available one that will be available soon in IR. I didn't really make any announcements on my socials since I decided to stop posting on my own IG profile as I didn't want to be constantly on IG anymore except for Marly's profile. It was Wen Da, one of my ex-colleagues that reached out and also told the big boss about me coming back. 

I always feel that I am unsure about going back to IR because for whatever reason, be it luck or be it my mental state was not stable during that period of time, it was not a happy and enjoyable work for me. I like my colleagues and I would say they are probably the best work colleagues I had ever. No politics and people helping out one and another and no like discrimination. Well, unless one is pretty cui when it comes to maintaining relationships. It was great. 

However I feel that the work was draining and I am usually dreading it on some mornings and being just indifferent when going to work om better days. Of course, not to say that  I didn't give it my all as I definitely put in some OTs and late nights and did my best in solving situations as much as possible. However, the long hours and probably things to cover still linger in my head. 

My colleagues and bosses all feel that  I do a good job but I always feel otherwise. Maybe it's the Imposter Syndrome that impaired me before hence I feel that way. Even so, when I try to visualize now in the future back at IR, I think I will still feel the anxiety and the fact that as a middle man, maintaining or trying to push other teams to deliver while I wait as something that I am not happy about. 

Of course, there is another voice which I name it as the Practical Singaporean voice, which says that if you have a role opened for you why don't you take it since it's something that you had done before and you can do well with the money as well. If it's not what you want, then least you still got money while you carrying on with your search for another job.

To which another thought comes up and says that if OT is the norm, will I be able to have the energy and time to look/learn or to even switch industries ? 

I think it's clear to say that I am not 100% with the role as I come to realise that I like to work on projects, to value add, to create things. For example, in MF execution back in BNP, the time I took on top of my BAU to create a macro that can fully automate extraction of data, reformatting data and in the end drafting the data into an email before a user review and release to the appropriate Front Office as my most proud thing in my career that I ever created. Back in Settlements, I used combination of Excel formulas to reformat blotter and to extract data so to reconcile them as something that I enjoyed creating and when it came into fruition, it is very satisfactory.

In Citco, there wasn't much data to be playing around though I did spend time to create step by step guides for myself and also shared with the new teammates from time to time. Other than that, there wasn't much opportunity to create things as mainly do things as a middle man, and following up where the respective BAUs are, providing the information to investors/clients. Finding information among the shared drives to understand what was being done previously, liasing with the clients on items they require and on things that they want us to do. I guess the part whereby liaising internally to get things done was in a way enjoyable as well, a bit reminiscing of MF execution where I will reach out to SECM for codes, FO to let them know on things and to take orders from them, ensuring that things are done. It's nice chatting with people from other department and understanding more on what they do and what they can't do and with that I can gauge on what sort of solution I can provide.

Cat thinks that a project manager role might be suitable for me because I like to interact with internal stakeholders more so than external stakeholders who tend to be a little pushy since they are the ones paying the company. Which I think in a way, yes, though like after what my studies with data analytics, I realise that domain knowledge is very important when it comes to analytics or even project management, so the worry is that which industry to head to with my current experience and what do I need to learn to enter the industry?

Another thing Cat thought of was to be an entrepreneur since I like to create solutions but I never really see myself as one who can run business. I think maybe I am more of like a handyman, just providing solutions , giving support to someone who can face external clients that's all. Just like in gaming, just provide support,  I don't like to be the one who tank. 

My mum also got mentioned that I shouldn't close the day to Citco and see if they are able to provide a role that has that aspect of creating or like such projects based items. If they don't have such a role now but maybe later ? I feel that in Investor Relations, the main BAU is as a middle man, providing information and while facing the stress of pleasing a client, am not too sure if such a role will have capacity or space for projects to solve existing efficiency problems.

Also, I just realise randomly that I don't like to be rushed into things and I like to do things at my own speed which of course is not ideal for a client facing role. Not saying that I will take my own sweet time but don't like the feeling of being pressured.

So yeah this is what I am currently feeling about. 

New habits and processes in life

 Well, I was supposed to be regularly blogging ain't I ? Somehow I didn't really crave out any time for it. Where should I start?...Hmm....maybe some more mundane updates on some new habits or things that I had been up to recently. 

For starters, I started listening to a lot more audio books, as I usually spend 1 hr minimum fetching Cat to work and back as well as bringing Marly to the nearby parks. Rather than listening to music, a productivity youtuber named Ali Abdaal recommends audiobooks. In the past, I had denounce audiobooks as something that is not like actual books and that I cannot remember things that I hear compare to reading. While it's still true, but Ali made an interesting comment that one can listen to audiobooks and decide if a book is worth getting especially those non-fiction kinds. At the same time, one can also be exposed to certain ideas and concepts in the book. Even if its fiction books that we are listening and is read by a good reader, it can be really enjoyable. Coupled with the free Libby app by NLB, it's a great way to sample a book and also to be expose to some ideas while doing boring stuff like driving or even hanging clothes or maybe cleaning the toilet. Going forward, while back in SG, I hope to listen to more and continue to evolve and change my mindset. 

Another thing is I probably stop posting any more IG stuffs. Previously I had always open IG and scroll mindlessly and eventually it kinda suck up a lot of my time. Now I only keep Marly's IG(@its.marlygurl) open so that I can post stuffs about Marly. Also I realise that the Algo kinda just pick up whatever you spend like 10 seconds or if you click or search a certain category and will keep recommending you that. So, it kinda just turned me off also and also I don't want people to know what I am doing and which stage of life I am, in a way, it keeps me away from judgement and societal biases. 

Another is taking voice notes, sometimes while driving or thinking out loud at home, a thought or idea came to my mind, rather than typing or writing down. I record a conversation that I will have with myself and to review it at a later time. Sometimes I don't really follow up on it and delete it, sometimes I thought it was useful and elaborate and save it on the cloud to access it another time. 

Having a To-do list that separates between projects, so that I can relieve the burden of constantly worrying on my mind about things that I had yet to do and schedule a time for me to act on it so that I won't forget at that point of time. 

Probably a thing that I want to rid myself off , is that I like to spend money on items, sometimes wants and sometimes needs and I would like to like get the best value for quality and in the end I would spend copious time on searching for the best price for the item. At times, it feels like it's the Singaporean Kiasu mindset and at times it does feel like a penny wise pound foolish scenario. I do enjoy the research component when looking and comparing at brands based on their description and if their features fit into my lifestyle, but once that's done, I will also start monitoring for price drops and then constantly restart the whole comparison process and eventually a lot of time is lost. Maybe, I should just do a 1 time good comparison and description of what I require and just leave it in the cloud. If it is a need, I can pull out or I can just look at the prices and determine if at that point of time, I need to get it or just wait a lil more. If its a want, I can probably just ignore it and probably set a reminder for another time to look into it again. I guess if I really need it, I would constantly think about it...if its a want, after some time, I will probably like nah....another time also can. 

I am my own salvation

 For a while recently, I have this notion in my head. Which is that I am pretty much this traumatized adult was because of my upbringing when I was a child. When I was younger, whenever I made mistakes or do something naughty, the consequences were pretty dire. For example, as I was at Popo house most of my childhood, so when I do something wrong at Popo house, I will be scolded by Popo. Then later in the evening, if Small Uncle was at home, I will be scolded also if it's something bad then later when I go home I will be scolded again by my Mum. Sometimes, uncle won't say anything but you know lah...when you do the wrong thing then the vibe is pretty bad so you will feel disappointed also. Then at home it will be scolded and worse case is either kneel in front of Guan Yin or get caned lo.  

As I grew older, there were rare times where I would dare to go against the norm or against my parents to do things that I want to do. Other than that, I will play it safe or consider all options and to reduce my risk. I do not dare to do a lot of risky things because I was afraid it will cause how people perceive me, or I would blame myself for making that decision. So I became someone who once has determined his comfort zone and things that make sense for me, I will not want to explore out or be open to new things that I find not able to comprehend. Even if my heart says to do it, I will still find many reasons why I should not do it and more often than not, I decided against it. Of course there were some instances where I was right though it only serves to further reinforce that thinking. I used to own that thinking that I am someone who thinks and evaluates every step that I make and that I am right with such a thinking. I don't think it's a wrong thing but as with everything in life, it would need to be balanced. 

At the back of my head, I think I do blame my mum for me turning out this way, especially during my primary school days...secondary school was pretty much independent so I have no complaints about it. During the road trip back in December, there was a conversation about bringing kids with my Small Uncle and Small Auntie( awkward with my cousins around also), I said something about how it was scary being scolded so many times in a day. My Small Auntie said that well I did turn out well behaved and all. Though my Small Auntie don't believe in caning, but she definitely scold my cousins a lot and frankly, if they are sensitive as me, it will probably be akin to caning in my opinion. I thought of Jia Jia and other people that I know at my age whom are parents, everyone is trying to figure out to the best of their abilities at that point of time. Probably at that point of time, my parents are also. Balancing the career, finances and child rearing. 

These past year or so, after quitting and being away from Singaporean Society, I feel that I am slowly picking up the pieces and fixing the various traumatizing aspects of my mental state and also knowing that a lot of things that happen in my life are ultimately my own decisions. From me feeling not connected to my friends, to not being fit, not being happy, career was not good and also blaming cat for some things in life, the cage that I had always thought that I was trapped in was due to everything that life or society or others that had placed on me. 

Within the cage, there has always been a door. The door which was in front of me will never be open because I had felt that there is nothing that I could do and that I needed something or someone beyond that door to open for me and I will be saved. While in the cage, as I was waiting to be saved, I blame everything that was not going for me, blame cat for not understanding me,low-key blame my parents for me turning out this way, blame the job for being tough (which is actually to an extent but I let it affected my personal life). Ultimately, I blame the world(cat, friends and the society at large) for not understanding me but most importantly, for not saving me out of the cage that I was in. I would like to think that GK had tried to help during the really bad times but alas he was not able to open the door for me either.

And I had come to realize that I had always been a selfish guy, though my friends won't see it that way. Deep down, such actions and thoughts all just scream selfish. I psych myself to believe that I need to be saved by others or external forces.

In actual fact, the door in front of me has all along been a one way door, there was no knob on the outside. Hence no one was able to pull the door open and save me. The only way to escape the cage was for me to just push the door and I will be freed. 

After all this time, in the end, I am my own salvation. 

As I push the door ever slightly, my world became brighter and I felt a sense of optimism and warmth that I had not felt for some time. It is still a work in progress but I know I will be out soon.