A lesson for us all on being kind to everyone including ourselves

So I believe I had mentioned before in my previous posts about my uncle david from my dad's side who is going through a very bad time. With his divorce or separation and also to deal with the aftermath of the fallout between our second uncle and himself which is like a sore wedge between all the brothers. 

TL:DR during Ah Ma passing that period, it seems that my uncle David was also going through a separation between my auntie and himself and also that both my cousins decided to follow my auntie. During that period, my second uncle, being his usual egotistic and insensitive self, kept trying to get my uncle David to do some things for him and also bypassing command and contacting my cousin directly. At the same time, with his temper as well as his insensitive comments eventually push uncle David over the edge( at that same time, he was facing his separation issue), and cause my uncle David to implode that he tried to literally punch him. So ever since then, there is always this thing between uncle David and the rest of the uncles, including my dad. Of course, we are all worried for him because it seems like he has lost the will to live , to move forward. His front teeth dropped out and he didn't go to fix it, he is not getting enough sleep for 2 years, his views of the world are all dark and slightly warped. He mentioned that he just went home and then zoned out, kept crying then started the day all over again. His health also went downhill with Shingles and also fainted at home, with no one knowing that he fainted, only to regain consciousness again after a while(God knows how long). 

On the problem with my second uncle, it seems that at this rate, things probably will not be getting any better between all of them. But hopefully it will mellow and things can be better in the future but definitely not in the short term I believe. 

On the problem with his marriage, I feel that whatever happens in the past, was something that can be avoided but unfortunately, at the end of the day, if it failed , it failed. So last week, we 3 kids met up with Uncle David to listen and to advise him but end of the day, if he feels that there is no way forward in that end. For us kids, so be it because ultimately we cannot advise too much without knowing the context but based on our marriage experience(s), what happened in the past could be mitigated and there is still a chance to reconcile in our opinion. However, like I say, we don't know the full context so maybe he had tried but my auntie is an absolute no. I would like to think that's not the case and I really wanted to know what my auntie thinks. Sadly, my uncle feels that if we sound her out then there is a possibility that we may disturb the current dynamics such that my auntie won't ever want to meet up with him or rather allow their daughters to meet up with him anymore. Unfortunately, that option is closed to me but my intuition or curiosity feel that if I meet up with Auntie then there might be something I could help in a way, maybe not be the bridge between them but more of guiding them to understand my uncle personality and for him to want to change. Anyways, I don't really have a clue what actually happened that caused my auntie to go down this route, is it the constant negativity or is it he did something wrong. 

Because I was also pretty similar with my uncle for a period of time and I am sure I had made Cat feel really unhappy in the relationship. The situation that got me thinking was that one day Cat had suddenly woken up from a dream and cried that I will leave her because it feels like she was the one that make me unhappy. All along I thought that she was the one not happy with me but when it became apparent that I was the one making her unhappy, it kinda trigger a change in my mindset that I need to recognize and acknowledge that all along I was the problem.

Maybe it also seems to coincide with me reading about imposter syndrome and pulling away from work anxiety issues that also allows me to take a step back and acknowledge where things are going or maybe like the fengshui winds are changing for the better. But I got a better understanding of my mindset and on how to move forward. 

It is scary personally because I feel that both my uncle and I have the same kind of personality and that there were so many similarities in how we perceive things. I think what kinda saved me from spiralling every deeper was that Cat was more patient and held on longer and also probably I was pulled away from the unseen pressures of being in Singaporean Society. Once abroad, one's perspectives will changed and that one will realise that society at large is pretty big and that actually we are pretty much always in control of what we do and think. There are other ways of living life and that the world is a very big place. I know that I am privileged to be able to travel to many places by my age and also the opportunity to live abroad albeit a short period of time. So I know that there are possible many people who don't or unable to have the opportunity to do so. Hopefully, for them they are able to find their peace wherever they are in life. For my uncle, I had wished that when I am back, I would be able to help him better as I now see things a bit differently and that I also have the emotional capacity to do so but alas, his divorce and separation had happened while I was not at the right stage of mind and also when I was far away in Sydney. 

It is unfortunate that not many people understand HSPs and how they work and comprehend things, also within HSPs there are many different kind of mindsets and characters which lead them to do what they do. Luckily there are more information online for people like us but it is still up to us on how to set ourselves up for society as currently in Singapore Society, I do not believe that it is ready for HSPs nor society really know how to handle us at our worsts. 

Back to my Uncle David case, I hope that he will be able to find his peace and his motivation in life because he is only 51 or so and that still have a good second part of life to carry on. I am not sure if he has an underlying belly of fire, I know that for me, once I am at an absolute bottom, maybe some show or something will kickstart a fight in me and will rage against the world and to continue to fight back so to get my life back. I feel that I get that from my mom, but I'm not sure if my uncle has that in it because it feels like for quite a few phases of life, he ran away from a challenge. Although right now he is raging against my second uncle for his insensitivity and unfair treatment but to what avail, I feel that his anger is targeted at a spectre and not at what life throws at him. 

At a junction

 I think it has always been a recurring theme for awhile, or maybe not, but I feel that I am unsure what direction to take. So now am back in Singapore and the big boss of Investor Relations(IR) for Citco in Singapore got reached out to me and asked if I am interested in going back because there is an available one that will be available soon in IR. I didn't really make any announcements on my socials since I decided to stop posting on my own IG profile as I didn't want to be constantly on IG anymore except for Marly's profile. It was Wen Da, one of my ex-colleagues that reached out and also told the big boss about me coming back. 

I always feel that I am unsure about going back to IR because for whatever reason, be it luck or be it my mental state was not stable during that period of time, it was not a happy and enjoyable work for me. I like my colleagues and I would say they are probably the best work colleagues I had ever. No politics and people helping out one and another and no like discrimination. Well, unless one is pretty cui when it comes to maintaining relationships. It was great. 

However I feel that the work was draining and I am usually dreading it on some mornings and being just indifferent when going to work om better days. Of course, not to say that  I didn't give it my all as I definitely put in some OTs and late nights and did my best in solving situations as much as possible. However, the long hours and probably things to cover still linger in my head. 

My colleagues and bosses all feel that  I do a good job but I always feel otherwise. Maybe it's the Imposter Syndrome that impaired me before hence I feel that way. Even so, when I try to visualize now in the future back at IR, I think I will still feel the anxiety and the fact that as a middle man, maintaining or trying to push other teams to deliver while I wait as something that I am not happy about. 

Of course, there is another voice which I name it as the Practical Singaporean voice, which says that if you have a role opened for you why don't you take it since it's something that you had done before and you can do well with the money as well. If it's not what you want, then least you still got money while you carrying on with your search for another job.

To which another thought comes up and says that if OT is the norm, will I be able to have the energy and time to look/learn or to even switch industries ? 

I think it's clear to say that I am not 100% with the role as I come to realise that I like to work on projects, to value add, to create things. For example, in MF execution back in BNP, the time I took on top of my BAU to create a macro that can fully automate extraction of data, reformatting data and in the end drafting the data into an email before a user review and release to the appropriate Front Office as my most proud thing in my career that I ever created. Back in Settlements, I used combination of Excel formulas to reformat blotter and to extract data so to reconcile them as something that I enjoyed creating and when it came into fruition, it is very satisfactory.

In Citco, there wasn't much data to be playing around though I did spend time to create step by step guides for myself and also shared with the new teammates from time to time. Other than that, there wasn't much opportunity to create things as mainly do things as a middle man, and following up where the respective BAUs are, providing the information to investors/clients. Finding information among the shared drives to understand what was being done previously, liasing with the clients on items they require and on things that they want us to do. I guess the part whereby liaising internally to get things done was in a way enjoyable as well, a bit reminiscing of MF execution where I will reach out to SECM for codes, FO to let them know on things and to take orders from them, ensuring that things are done. It's nice chatting with people from other department and understanding more on what they do and what they can't do and with that I can gauge on what sort of solution I can provide.

Cat thinks that a project manager role might be suitable for me because I like to interact with internal stakeholders more so than external stakeholders who tend to be a little pushy since they are the ones paying the company. Which I think in a way, yes, though like after what my studies with data analytics, I realise that domain knowledge is very important when it comes to analytics or even project management, so the worry is that which industry to head to with my current experience and what do I need to learn to enter the industry?

Another thing Cat thought of was to be an entrepreneur since I like to create solutions but I never really see myself as one who can run business. I think maybe I am more of like a handyman, just providing solutions , giving support to someone who can face external clients that's all. Just like in gaming, just provide support,  I don't like to be the one who tank. 

My mum also got mentioned that I shouldn't close the day to Citco and see if they are able to provide a role that has that aspect of creating or like such projects based items. If they don't have such a role now but maybe later ? I feel that in Investor Relations, the main BAU is as a middle man, providing information and while facing the stress of pleasing a client, am not too sure if such a role will have capacity or space for projects to solve existing efficiency problems.

Also, I just realise randomly that I don't like to be rushed into things and I like to do things at my own speed which of course is not ideal for a client facing role. Not saying that I will take my own sweet time but don't like the feeling of being pressured.

So yeah this is what I am currently feeling about. 

New habits and processes in life

 Well, I was supposed to be regularly blogging ain't I ? Somehow I didn't really crave out any time for it. Where should I start?...Hmm....maybe some more mundane updates on some new habits or things that I had been up to recently. 

For starters, I started listening to a lot more audio books, as I usually spend 1 hr minimum fetching Cat to work and back as well as bringing Marly to the nearby parks. Rather than listening to music, a productivity youtuber named Ali Abdaal recommends audiobooks. In the past, I had denounce audiobooks as something that is not like actual books and that I cannot remember things that I hear compare to reading. While it's still true, but Ali made an interesting comment that one can listen to audiobooks and decide if a book is worth getting especially those non-fiction kinds. At the same time, one can also be exposed to certain ideas and concepts in the book. Even if its fiction books that we are listening and is read by a good reader, it can be really enjoyable. Coupled with the free Libby app by NLB, it's a great way to sample a book and also to be expose to some ideas while doing boring stuff like driving or even hanging clothes or maybe cleaning the toilet. Going forward, while back in SG, I hope to listen to more and continue to evolve and change my mindset. 

Another thing is I probably stop posting any more IG stuffs. Previously I had always open IG and scroll mindlessly and eventually it kinda suck up a lot of my time. Now I only keep Marly's IG(@its.marlygurl) open so that I can post stuffs about Marly. Also I realise that the Algo kinda just pick up whatever you spend like 10 seconds or if you click or search a certain category and will keep recommending you that. So, it kinda just turned me off also and also I don't want people to know what I am doing and which stage of life I am, in a way, it keeps me away from judgement and societal biases. 

Another is taking voice notes, sometimes while driving or thinking out loud at home, a thought or idea came to my mind, rather than typing or writing down. I record a conversation that I will have with myself and to review it at a later time. Sometimes I don't really follow up on it and delete it, sometimes I thought it was useful and elaborate and save it on the cloud to access it another time. 

Having a To-do list that separates between projects, so that I can relieve the burden of constantly worrying on my mind about things that I had yet to do and schedule a time for me to act on it so that I won't forget at that point of time. 

Probably a thing that I want to rid myself off , is that I like to spend money on items, sometimes wants and sometimes needs and I would like to like get the best value for quality and in the end I would spend copious time on searching for the best price for the item. At times, it feels like it's the Singaporean Kiasu mindset and at times it does feel like a penny wise pound foolish scenario. I do enjoy the research component when looking and comparing at brands based on their description and if their features fit into my lifestyle, but once that's done, I will also start monitoring for price drops and then constantly restart the whole comparison process and eventually a lot of time is lost. Maybe, I should just do a 1 time good comparison and description of what I require and just leave it in the cloud. If it is a need, I can pull out or I can just look at the prices and determine if at that point of time, I need to get it or just wait a lil more. If its a want, I can probably just ignore it and probably set a reminder for another time to look into it again. I guess if I really need it, I would constantly think about it...if its a want, after some time, I will probably like nah....another time also can. 

I am my own salvation

 For a while recently, I have this notion in my head. Which is that I am pretty much this traumatized adult was because of my upbringing when I was a child. When I was younger, whenever I made mistakes or do something naughty, the consequences were pretty dire. For example, as I was at Popo house most of my childhood, so when I do something wrong at Popo house, I will be scolded by Popo. Then later in the evening, if Small Uncle was at home, I will be scolded also if it's something bad then later when I go home I will be scolded again by my Mum. Sometimes, uncle won't say anything but you know lah...when you do the wrong thing then the vibe is pretty bad so you will feel disappointed also. Then at home it will be scolded and worse case is either kneel in front of Guan Yin or get caned lo.  

As I grew older, there were rare times where I would dare to go against the norm or against my parents to do things that I want to do. Other than that, I will play it safe or consider all options and to reduce my risk. I do not dare to do a lot of risky things because I was afraid it will cause how people perceive me, or I would blame myself for making that decision. So I became someone who once has determined his comfort zone and things that make sense for me, I will not want to explore out or be open to new things that I find not able to comprehend. Even if my heart says to do it, I will still find many reasons why I should not do it and more often than not, I decided against it. Of course there were some instances where I was right though it only serves to further reinforce that thinking. I used to own that thinking that I am someone who thinks and evaluates every step that I make and that I am right with such a thinking. I don't think it's a wrong thing but as with everything in life, it would need to be balanced. 

At the back of my head, I think I do blame my mum for me turning out this way, especially during my primary school days...secondary school was pretty much independent so I have no complaints about it. During the road trip back in December, there was a conversation about bringing kids with my Small Uncle and Small Auntie( awkward with my cousins around also), I said something about how it was scary being scolded so many times in a day. My Small Auntie said that well I did turn out well behaved and all. Though my Small Auntie don't believe in caning, but she definitely scold my cousins a lot and frankly, if they are sensitive as me, it will probably be akin to caning in my opinion. I thought of Jia Jia and other people that I know at my age whom are parents, everyone is trying to figure out to the best of their abilities at that point of time. Probably at that point of time, my parents are also. Balancing the career, finances and child rearing. 

These past year or so, after quitting and being away from Singaporean Society, I feel that I am slowly picking up the pieces and fixing the various traumatizing aspects of my mental state and also knowing that a lot of things that happen in my life are ultimately my own decisions. From me feeling not connected to my friends, to not being fit, not being happy, career was not good and also blaming cat for some things in life, the cage that I had always thought that I was trapped in was due to everything that life or society or others that had placed on me. 

Within the cage, there has always been a door. The door which was in front of me will never be open because I had felt that there is nothing that I could do and that I needed something or someone beyond that door to open for me and I will be saved. While in the cage, as I was waiting to be saved, I blame everything that was not going for me, blame cat for not understanding me,low-key blame my parents for me turning out this way, blame the job for being tough (which is actually to an extent but I let it affected my personal life). Ultimately, I blame the world(cat, friends and the society at large) for not understanding me but most importantly, for not saving me out of the cage that I was in. I would like to think that GK had tried to help during the really bad times but alas he was not able to open the door for me either.

And I had come to realize that I had always been a selfish guy, though my friends won't see it that way. Deep down, such actions and thoughts all just scream selfish. I psych myself to believe that I need to be saved by others or external forces.

In actual fact, the door in front of me has all along been a one way door, there was no knob on the outside. Hence no one was able to pull the door open and save me. The only way to escape the cage was for me to just push the door and I will be freed. 

After all this time, in the end, I am my own salvation. 

As I push the door ever slightly, my world became brighter and I felt a sense of optimism and warmth that I had not felt for some time. It is still a work in progress but I know I will be out soon. 

Can pride buy you Mcdonald's

 I have been hearing work stuffs from Cat on the differences in between how SG office and Aus office approach their work. One is like very customer centric and the other is more of "Self worth and that if you are difficult, then we rather not have the business".

The common client that both office(s) have are pretty big so I can understand why SG office who is the main point is more of a " will do anything to keep this client" kind. TBH, I totally agreed on this. It kinda took me back to my army days where we have this saying " What's pride ? Can pride buy you Mcdonald's? ". It's that kind of practicality mindset that made us Singaporean or Asian I guess. Regardless of how life is more chill here and basically here is more of an Employee paradise I might add, but I see that Cat is more frustrated because the staff here are more me first rather than the work. Frankly, I think I would suit it here because my professional life and private life is more split up. The thing that kind of makes me feel uneasy is that is this a mindset that should I ever have kids want to be raised in ? In any case, Cat don't feel right here so no point bah. 

In a way, I also see it as do I want to be part of a country that I feel that has a direction or should I say there's a progression vs a country where I feel is trying to fix the missteps that previous governments or leaders had caused. Maybe I am trying to psycho myself why I am going back to a more stressful and judgemental society ...haha 

In general, I feel that here kind of feel like back in BNP, where again no progression, nothing to look forward, in terms of a future for this country. Too many things don't change or rather it's taking a long time too and I feel that we are in a world where things are moving fast and that sooner or later, one will get left behind if we don't evolve. Maybe it's a scarcity mindset...like there is no way but forward as compared to a society which have a back up, like if this doesn't work out there is always something else or maybe there's always agriculture. 

Being here has led me to be take care more of the food that we consumed as we usually eat home and the produce here are relatively cheap and fresh as compared to Singapore. In Singapore, we have too easy access to food already, with all the malls and the hawker centres nearby. I hope to be able to cook or make my own food once I am back in the rat race again as I feel that eating home cooked food definitely helps with mental and physical health also. 

Maboroshi

 

Just completed this anime during my daily lunch time of the day, and it was a visually captivating anime and the climax was pretty good. The storyline kept switching from one plot to another plot so the author could have probably done with some good consistency. Although there are various plot changes and all, there are some very good quotes and plots that does hit close to my heart. 

Story was that the main characters are like phantoms that lived in an alternate universe where time stops for them until they met a young girl who turns out to be their daughter from an actual reality. In their reality, they are not supposed to feel any strong emotions, be it good or bad, as long as it is constant then their world will carry on. Otherwise, they will be swallowed by the smoke(that resembles Wolfs). Ending was that the main characters managed to send their daughter back to the actual reality and in their reality , time starts to move again. In the actual reality future, the town was no longer inhabited by people and that it is more or less forgotten since the steel factory accident and slowly the residents left the place. 

1) As time and changes go hand in hand, emotions which are tied to changes will also be a constant

The protagonist grandfather mentioned that probably the gods created that alternate reality because it was the time when before the accident, the town was the most lively but once the accident happened, people had moved out and decide to move on. The gods of the mountain that produce the steel wanted to keep the memories of the place hence the main characters are stuck at the particular point of time. However, the main characters started to notice that they are not real and feels like their lives are stuck. Whoever felt deep motions like sadness or happiness will be removed from the alternate reality. But in actual fact, such a reality where everything is constant, is it really a life worth living ? A place where one don't make any mistakes, doesn't change the status quo, doesn't get hurt or don't feel love, can it happened? It can only happen when time stops but in reality, this will never be the case. Time never stops, so change is always happening and emotions, be it good or bad will continue to happen. 

My thoughts--->The above kinda really hit me because I kinda realise that I am someone that fear making mistakes, being on the wrong side of people, fear of being thought of in a negative light or people's judgement so I get stressed out when things are different or when people don't agree with me. So I would rather just conform to their whims and thoughts. Also I would always try to be stress out of making any mistakes , be it wrong email or wrong booking or anything, and if I make the mistake, I beat myself up badly for it. All in all, because of me rejecting confrontations, rejecting getting hurt or feeling negative emotions, I ended up stuck in time figuratively. I always tell cat that I don't feel 36 but rather more like 30ish...I wonder if I had allowed myself to stop living in 2019. 

Recently I had to look for Movers because the landlord decided to not renew our lease, so was reading online on the various companies. There were some bad ones and there were some good but expensive ones. I knew that Cat wanted to get the cheapest or most value one but somehow it seems difficult to find cheap but reliable. I was afraid that she will be not happy if I chose the wrong one or was afraid that I made a mistake and ended up being hit with more charges. In the end, like in the anime, in my mind, I just felt kinda stuck. Eventually we settled on one mover but my mind was still not at ease. Well, Until I watch this anime though.

So it kinda hit me when I realise that I should allow myself to make mistakes. To feel bad because these emotions are part and parcel of time. Time never stops and one will never be able to avoid feeling bad ever. If I made a mistake, it is just for me to learn and then not make it again. Whatever people think of me, even if its dear, I should let it go and not be sad that I had let her down. Even if she might be disappointed in me for that instant, I should learn from it and just keep moving forward. To have confidence that whatever happens, it will be alright. 

2) Meaning of to be alive

Throughout the show, the main characters all mentioned that they felt life was always the same because they don't feel pain nor happiness just being constant stoic feelings. The weather never moves, time never moves. That they never felt like they were alive. Like the machine in the factory, just keep churning on. 

My thoughts--->Like in the anime,to be alive is to allow yourself to go through those bad emotions in your life. With me berating myself or rather stopping myself from making any mistakes, from avoiding confrontations to making decisions, I cease to live, to be alive. Feeling the pain to feeling tightness across the chest, to love, to cry, to smile, to be angry, to be depressed ..all of these are signs that you are still alive. Maybe that's why people who do extreme sports like rock climbing or bungee jumping or sky diving mention that is the time that they felt alive. the tightness of the chest due to fear, the tingling sensation in the fingers when jumping off the plan...or the strain of the muscles while rock climbing..all these is just to feel alive. Rather than avoiding pain,suffering and confrontation, I should learn to embrace them...to understand that to be alive is to be feel pain and suffering. It is correct to avoid these once you experience them, but if one has not experience it before. How does one know that this is pain and suffering and thus learn to avoid them ? By avoiding it, is one then also avoiding life ?

 I think what I took from this movie, is that I should learn to accept that to be alive , to live , it is not possible to avoid any mistakes , any bad emotions but that mistakes can be made, and mistakes will make one feel really bad. However, mistakes is just an indicator that something is not working and that one should just turn to another path which will infinitely lead you to more paths and more mistakes. Eventually, there might be a place where one is contented or there might be none but regardless, all these shows that one is truly alive and is thus living. 

Blog=Journal and Happy 2024 !

 Well well, didn't expect that the first post of the new year will be a journalling post, rather than the other kinds of post I wanted to post previously or the year end roadtrip post. It isn't a New Year Resolution post as well as compared to other years. So...this is more of a kinda impulse kind of thing...spontaneous one might call it..haha

The impulse thought that came to my mind was that I somehow just fully connected that my constant blogging in the past is very much like journaling in the mainstream world these days. As the video mentioned that journaling helps with stress and anxiety issues, my consistent blogging in the past had helped me as well. In more recent times, as I stopped blogging consistently my mental state was sent into a deep hellish spiral as I became more narrow into my negative feelings and mindset. 

I had always thought of blogging to be like a Pensive in Harry Potter, where you just dump memories which is probably true in the early days where it's more like a dairy. In the subsequent years following my time in the army, it became more like a journal instead. Where I blogged my thoughts and ideas and feelings.

For quite some time, I was under the impression that journaling will be more effective if it's with pen and paper. So I started with a small notebook and started again so that  I can write things down here and there. Then I realise that a tablet would be much better but I can never find a tablet that writes well as good as an Ipad and cause I am anti apple, I won't get an Ipad. COVID happens and for some reason, I didn't really maintain my notebook and blogging as much too. 

End of the day, maybe blogging is not as good as writing down because typing and writing induces different muscle memories but consistent blogging aka journaling is better than inconsistent notebooking or writing. 

Back to the video, most of my blog is probably classified as Level 1 and 2 Journaling which is to recount what I had done or experienced in recent time. Maybe the level 2 is not so much as it does include the "Grateful Exercises" part which I am now trying actively on my Samsung Galaxy S9 FE tablet( I finally manage to get one thanks to the HK gov and Cat=P) 

By actively blogging on stuffs in my life, it actually helps me to detach some of the feelings especially the negative ones and to gain somewhat like a bird's eye view and not be caught up in the moment. For someone that experiences stress, anxiety and a lot of negative emotions often, I think it is helpful and provides a kind of clarity during such moments. 

Well then, Happy 2024 everyone and it's the year of the dragons yo (36 le...lol)