Don't believe everything you think

 

So ever since the previous breakdown, I was in JB two weeks back and I chanced upon this book. I remember while I was driving in Sydney, there was an audiobook that I was listening to that mentioned that not everything we think is real or something so naturally this caught my eye. And of course, the words like "End of Suffering" 

So the super short summary about this book is that we all humans have thoughts and thinking. The author believes that thoughts are ideas that are devoid of negative emotions and it serves as an uplifting and happy thing. However, the Ego inside all of us will start to think about it and rationalize why it does not make sense. Of course, lets say a thought says you want to rob a bank naturally the thinking will be it does not make any sense, the risk of being caught is high and the trade off is not worth it. So this thinking is like the mind or rather I would prefer the subconscious way of trying to do anything that is dangerous or self-harm. 

However, as we grow up, coupled with societal pressures and survival needs, the subconscious starts to be way more protective and start to become like a negative lens of vetting and eventually one feels that there is a lack of choices and that life is pretty much fixed and nothing can be changed. In reality, the truth is way further than that, we have way more choices than we think. 

The book tries to get the reader to harness the thoughts rather than spend energy on thinking\ruminating on negative things that had happen as the subconscious will bring these negative things as a way to reaffirm why one should avoid doing things. And when these negative incidents were brought up, naturally the negative emotions follow and then that's where chronic depression starts. 

Recently, I have been trying to classify my mind's chatter into Thoughts and Thinking. So I will say to myself that this is a Thought and if I start to think and negative emotions start ebbing , I will know that this is ruminating and that I should stop. Naturally, no one can stop Thinking fully because one need to think about something but it should be neutral and from a rational point of view. It should not be riddled with negative emotions or maybe euphoria even which may mean a certain thing is over-hyped.. 

It happened again

Can't believe I broke down again because of work. Back in 2022, I learnt that when faced with tough and pushy clients and at that particular point of time I was facing my own stress because of popo case , I will just break down and abandon all decision making. I become very emotional and can't stop crying and not being able to breathe. A panic attack now that I know what's that call. In the end, I didn't resolve the stress part and I allow my innate negativity to take over which resulted in chronic depression. My blood pressure was on a constantly high levels, I don't smile anymore... I cried randomly. In the day, I just keep working and behaving nothing has happened because I told myself it's my internal issue. At night, I don't want to talk anything else except work because I needed an outlet.. cause cat to be unhappy. 

Even when I went to Sydney with the intention to take refuge and reset, it took me about 6 months after cutting off work before I started to heal. 

So for it to happen again, it kinda sucks because it was something that I tried to not let it happen. I knew that one day the pushy client that I have will push me over but I didn't expect in the end it was the combination of overload and overwhelm followed by the daily arguements with the client that did me in. 

I didn't wanted to come back to IR because of the fast paced timeline and also pushy clients. So I was reassured of these issues by my VP. But as in all corporate cases, nothing goes according to plan. I found myself no middle managers to rely on help, pace of client faster than my own, getting push here and there. Initially it was alright, I managed to tidy up a client and I thought I should be doing fine. Until I was passed a very pushy client and then everything went down hill.

It also goes to show that truly I am not fit for IR or rather a client servicing role. And I have to accept that because last time I hated ops. So to be honest, fund execution was the best of both world... I don't face client but I face internal Front office and I handle a bit of the back office. It was transactional, once I m done for the day it's done . I don't worry what the next day will bring because I truly don't know. Unless it's an incident or smthg . I solve a problem then I move on. Over here, I solve one problem, there will be another problem and another problem. If the client is cool, yeah that's good but once the client gets pushy and all..I became very worked up.

Tbh when I broke down, the next few days I went into depression mode and I am constantly willing myself to not get sick into the spiral of chronic depression. Because now every morning waking up is a battle against that side of me. I know my ability to work at the kind of pace before it happen have also decreased dramatically..I don't really want to feel emotions anymore...I just want to make sure I do my part that's all. I feel that I don't want to think whether any person will shoot me or make me feel bad or I worry what others will think anymore. 

Even now when I think about the heightened pace, my heart rate increase and I feel a bit of my stomach tightening.

Taking things for granted

After 10 days or so travelling with Cat's relatives throughout England, there are things that came to my mind.

1) It is really not easy raising a special needs kid

The effort and the attention that one needs to focus and watch over the child is really tough. Furthermore, in Asian society, where judgements are very easy to come by, being parents is as much physically as much as mentally. Seeing Manfred whom is 17 years old but the mindset is stuck at 10 years old, the over-reliance on the mother whom is getting older is very worrying especially for the outsiders like myself. Furthermore, due to the extreme stress, his dad is also unable to keep it together and leave it all to Manfred's mother to handle him.

These 10 days of travelling with the family, for me when I travel with him, the random loud noises and random marching around with little disregard for how society moves also make me more conscious about people views about us. I can see some people being afraid or being not happy that we are disturbing the peace and it kinda make me a bit embarrassed initially. But as time passes, I felt it less and I moved more towards to how can I keep the group in a position where we don't cause a commotion as well as not to disturb any others. Luckily, for England being a western society which are more inclusive, people are generally understanding and don't shoot as many judging looks as compared to an Asian society.

When he was dancing to loud music in the streets like randomly, a guy passed by and praised his dancing and Manfred was so happy. I am sure in Singapore or other Asian countries, we will be met with either people dissing or maybe potentially getting whacked. Of course not saying that it will definitely happen but the chances are higher in Asia I reckon.

2) A powerful passport; a home and a job to pay off bills.

Throughout the trip, I was trying to teach her aunts and uncle on things with travelling in Europe countries and being careful when going out at certain time. I realize that in a way at times I was nagging as well as trying to protect them from being targeted if any. It kinda dawns on me that I am aware of these because of watching content on youtube as well as being real privilege in travelling to many countries. To experience so many things and cultures in the countries that I visited. My so-called sabbatical in Sydney also opens up my eyes to how things work and how we can respond. Looking at various homeless around England and us eating at restaurants almost on a daily basis just makes me feel like we are way more privilege than so many people around the world. For most Europeans or people that I met, taking a long flight out is like a once in 3 years event or only if they are moving across countries. However, us Singaporeans, are already like clocking least twice long distance flights( anything above 5 hours) a year?

3) Grass is always greener on the other side.

On the first night in Manchester, Cat's fourth aunt asked whether I would consider staying in UK, SYD or SNG. Naturally, I rank SNG,SYD then the UK last. Otherwise, we won't be back in SG anyways. So she mention that the rest of the aunts want to move out of HK because of the political uncertainty and that HK is no longer what it once was due to the political scene being more and more stifled. If I am a younger person, yes I do think its better to move away but being so senior and physically not as mobile, is it wise to move due to feeling oppressed ? I am not too sure. Of course, I am not a hongkonger so I can never fully understand why being politically free is so important and my practical side of me as a singaporean just feel that being in HK, least its familiar surroundings and for the next 10 years or so the government will take care of you although maybe not as well I would think but least its familiar surroundings. Now going over to a cold and unfamiliar place, which are definitely not senior citizen friendly and no sense of familiarity, is it worth it ? I don't know but who knows, a change of environment will make one feel less tense and the body will then recover.

4) Money is not everything but it helps to buy comfort

So during this trip, after the driving experience, there had been a lot of unexpected costs and parking fees which result in more monies being spent. In the past, I am sure my parents would have not been happy in paying such fees and all and that I should have been more careful. Cat's uncle made this comment that don't have to worry as long as money can solve the problem. It kinda hits me that having money is like a cushion to soften any unintended circumstances. So because we have money we can remove the worry about not being able to pay for the fees and eventually maybe being dealt with a criminal charge. So in that context, we don't put all of life for money because its just for future comfort but at the same time, we should strive more if possible and to be more intentional with spending so to build up the cushion.                                       

5) We are all just traumatized individuals.

Regardless of where any human being is being raised, we are all being impacted by our childhood and our early environment following our formative years and then eventually adult working life. Only when one is old enough and reaches a sense of wisdom, will one realize the various follies as well as the reason why things had happened. Hearing about Cat's aunts and uncle history just make me think about their growing up environment and their prime years, it just make me so much more empathetic and understanding why people do the things they do. By being able to understand that , it makes me feel much calmer and understand that people are not inherently bad or rude and most of the time, it has nothing to do with yourself. It will be beneficial if we all know our triggers and restrain ourselves before performing any emotionally driven action. Maybe more relationships can be saved that way and families might stayed together and thus reducing the trauma on to future generations. 

Random Mish Mash

 So recently, I have been coming across articles or Youtube videos about having a life outside of work. I think it is pretty important that we all have something else besides work that dominates our life. I mean unless of course, your career is no longer considered work, then it's a different story. 

Been listening to an audiobook titled 4000 Weeks by Oliver Burkeman, where the gist is that we all should be intentional with every hour that we have. Couple with all the doom scrolling and time spent dwelling in Negative thoughts, or even doing things that one may not agree with but social norms dictate so, all these actually takes up our 4000 weeks of our life. Not only the short time span we have, everyday we face the possibility of ending up with less than 4000 weeks or even so 0 weeks. So not only we have to be intentional, we have to also approach things that we might never be able to have any time in the future. There is only so much things that you can put things off until you have more time. In a nutshell, don't waste time on things that don't create any value to your life. 

Random fact. Do you know that I am like a closet singer ? haha...because I never like to sing in front of people or a large crowds. But at home, I like to just turn on Youtube and sing to songs that I vibe with. Mostly J-pop or K-pop, not mandarin songs though..haha So recently been rediscovering Utada Hikaru. Oh and also I recently like to listen to Jazz and Lo-Fi music. 

 I know that since the start of the year, I kept harping to Oscar( MNL team) that I want to be promoted and be a supervisor since I also want to catch up to the rest of my own team as well as I also want the extra money with the house upcoming. In the end, I think the team decide to hire an external supervisor and now I have to also train her a bit. So in the end, its a bit like I don't think I will have an opening for supervisor again because of how lean the team is. I don't think there will be any more promotions for the year to be honest. Regardless on how well I do, but maybe I can show more supervisor stuffs but I cant see why I should do extra things and in the end its not rewarded. I probably will raise it up to my AVP during one on ones...but at least I tried that path. So now my target is more like, hopefully I can get a pay raise..that's the minimum I hope I can get.

Probably should start looking for other roles as well. 

So far, the vibe in Citco is not as bad as BNP when it was towards the end. But now with the upcoming house and I see that Cat is finding it much tougher at work, I do want to have a higher pay but of course not at the expense of my mental health. I think if I sacrifice my mental health, the overall costs will be higher. 

So lets see how life takes me. 

Snippets after seemingly an overly charged General Elections

I never really fully connect with the whole charged environment about elections with different political parties trying to rile up the people. Like you feel that people are not happy with the current incumbent and that it feels like the masses would rather have popular policies right now and to forgo the future. Also, like based on the rally turnouts and the comments online that it feels that the PAP has lost the middle income group of the populations. I personally don't feel like the current group of ministers are that bad or rather it felt like this group were more on the ground then previous governments ; it might be a generational thing I don't know so when I hear or see such comments online, it was pretty alarming to me.

Even though I don't stay at Punggol but hearing good stuffs about Sun Xue Ling and of course if DPM Gan is really that important, I don't think it's worth sacrificing these 2 for additional 4 opposition voices but well weirder things have happened in the world, so one never knows. As the time goes by, it kinda dawn on to me that since I have no control over what goes on there, in the end, regardless whether this election turns either direction, its up to myself to figure a way out to survive and thrive in such a society. Of course if my ideal scenario plays out, then its good but if the worst case scenario plays out, then its up to myself to adapt and survive. I feel that maybe in life in general, I should be more confident about my skills and adaptability. I will also free up more mental space in my mind and not be in a constant flight or fly phase.

Of course, in the end, the silent majority is still happy with the current incumbent and unlike other countries, whatever we hear on the street or online or rallies, it doesn't translate to votes. 

A lot of times, during past elections or when things don't really end up as what I had hope, I always will think that the worst thing has happened and that I should double down and be more wary about each turns and twists going forward. Or maybe I will feel that I need to just look elsewhere and give up hope on whatever current plans that we have. 

A sudden shock to life

 I did a random search and realized that in my blog 2.23% of my blog posts contain the word "Death". It's not a lot I guess which is a good thing ? lol...but it also goes to show that in my life so far, I have encountered death here and there. Especially with both sides of my grandparents passing and maybe things have changed drastically thus I link it to death. 

So last Wednesday, suddenly Cheralyn called for a quick call across all IR branches to announce that Garan who is Priyanka's ( my boss) husband had passed away. Garan also worked in Citco but much earlier than Pri so I had known Garan since 2022 onwards. But to be fair, I hardly work with him because he is a VP then and I was just a junior level. 

Then on the 4th April, we had a team bbq and that was the first time I had met him and shook his hands as well. It was very sudden that he had just passed away while in Manila and also when Dak just went over and came back. I remembered his kids who were so close to him especially his daughter, it just broke my heart to know that his son and daughter will never ever see him ever again. And they are so young as well. 

I don't know what happen as none of the management had told us what is the true cause of death, but I understand that they are not local and probably are Canadians. So, I don't know I mean it must have been  real hard for Pri to carry on in Singapore but at the same time, the kids are kinda used to here as well. 

In the face of death and all, it also make me feel humbled and all. Like when Hannah's fund client was being unreasonable and I had slightly raise my voice at them and yet harbour such anger and worry over their requests. 

It just made me goes like what is the point? I mean for both of our ends, what's the point for them to push for things until this extent ? what's the point for me being scared and worry about them ? what's the point for them being so rude over emails ? what's the point for them to keep calling us as if we are the only ones servicing them ?what's the point for myself to be angry at them ?

In light of someone being alive and full of vigor , only to just suddenly disappear from the face of the earth, what is the point of engaging in all these negative and useless emotions ? It makes me think everytime when I hear people being pushed to the edge in life and work, it just makes me think why would anyone just do that? Unless that person just being unable to emphasize and understand that such small actions can destroy somebody. I mean from another point of view, is also for the person subjected to these pain, to try to disengage but frankly, who is fully able to ? There will always be an impact no matter how small it is .

What it takes to be live in Singapore?

 https://dmnews.com/jus-what-no-one-tells-you-about-rebuilding-your-life-in-a-high-performance-city-like-singapore/

Just found this article online and I thought it was the German News Outlet but it's DM news and not DW news(Deutsche Welle News if anyone is interested to know). After reading through it and it also really resonates with me quite a bit because I had came back from a 1.5 years long break as well and from a much slower pace country back to a high performing country like Singapore. I probably have mentioned quite a couple of times the reasons we are back. However, I feel that this article captures those underlying thoughts that were just barely simmering below under the currents in my mind. 

1.The Dream of Many is to go to a slower paced country and live out one's life there.

Having been to Sydney and technically not working for a year and a half. One actually goes through like different stages of life. So initially ,I love the feeling of having the control of my time back to me. Mornings are walking the dog after dropping Cat off at work, playing Zelda and doing 2*exercises in the day before fetching wife back from work. Started to do lots of baking and readings and deep insights into one's self. Being mindful and all. Technically, I didn't expect myself to nua as long as I did but I am glad that I allowed myself because a main issue with my mental state was a lot to do that I keep telling myself I should not do this or that(ie. the SG society expectations is very strong in my mind). 

However, there will be a time which eventually hit me sometime in February 2024 where that there is a gnawing need for me to move forward and somehow Sydney doesn't feel like the place that is able to move forward. Even though its the country leading financial centre, but due to the laws and policies in place, the state or even the country as a whole feels like it is stagnant and that to find the political will to push ahead with projects, be it in the public sector or the private sector, just feels so tough. Projects don't get completed in time, get delayed, too high a budget in the end it's get abandoned only to be revisited in a couple of years. You see the inefficiency here?

I think moving to a slower pace of life society does allow one to heal and say find one's true self. Of course, there are some who determine that the true self is one that wishes to not progress at such a fast pace and prioritize the work life balance more. Hence, they stayed. But if one's true self is to be part of a society that moves forward, then it will be better to be in Singapore. 

Like the author, probably as an expat, I don't really feel like I am a part of the society in Sydney, like I don't believe Australians will ever accept me in their society because one is the race and the other is like I know that the stay is a short term. So to say that, to fully migrate over and build our life in Sydney or Melbourne, we never really felt at home in Australia. Like many others, we are here to stay short term and eventually will leave. 

2. Being in Singapore, one has to learn how to protect one's soul

Like the author had mentioned, behind the monetary rewards, the convenience of things, the efficiency of the country, there is quite a serious lack of feeling. It is as if it's a sin to feel like you need a break and do nothing, or its a sin if you are doing something that is outside society's norms. In general, as singaporeans, we tend to think that we don't have any agency or control being in this country. The truth is that we do have a lot of agency in life, it was due to the need for discipline and structure in the 60s, 70s and even 80s  where the country needs those traits for their citizens. Now when we are more educated and have a certain standard of living, we are moving away from the dullness and efficiency that a manufacturing economy needs and to a knowledge based one which demands more creativity and innovation. With those traits we will require the kind of freedom of expression and creativity that comes from the citizens having some level of agency in life. 

I truly believe that once one finds that inner belief or true self, then will that person be able to thrive in Singapore. Like the author mentioned, Singapore is not really a place that allows one to take a break and heal, it is doable but difficult. The country is like a test, a test whether one can survive in such an environment and with that, it is a test if an individual is able to stay true with one's self and thus thrive in this society. 

To be able to find the right balance of being one's true self, away from the talk of putting more hours , away from the talk of work life balance. At the end of the day it is the everyday waking up and being aligned with one's values and being engaged and not like a cog in a wheel. 

3.Living a Honest Life

I think this is a very used quote for some time already. But maybe in this context, it is not in the usual way. So living a honest life, is to a live a life that you are honest with your true self. Does every action you take is the one that you want to undertake? It could be the wrong or right action but is it the one that you will take even if you had to do it all again ? Of course, no one can be 100% honest so the thing is for one to strive to be as honest as possible. There are times where due to societal norms, you cannot do something and that's fine as long as at that point of time, you acknowledge it and say " I don't want to do this but I acknowledge that now is not the time for me to choose this way, hence I will do it" rather than " I don't want to do it but I shall be the one to tank this hit, to be the sacrificial lamb"