Am I just asking too much or this is really what I need?

 Yesterday, Cat said that I was visibly much happier when I was at the living room, with my laptop open and just watching about indie stories about Japanese Individuals living in Japan outdoors. I felt that I was not dreading for the 9 am start where I knew I had to dive deep down into my work and trying to keep on to pace with everyone else. I mean don't get me wrong, I don't think the environment is toxic or anything but its more of like being at home does give one the feeling that you are pretty much on your own and trying to figure things out. Citco even had given me a small pay adjustment even though its only been 3 months since I last joined the company. Wasn't expecting that. 

Coupled with that both cat and me had to find time for lunch together amidst seemingly tight work schedules and meetings. Or rather each day, as our work are more flexible these days, I kinda missed the fixed boring schedules of 1 pm lunch time with Leric and Lawrence...I mean its boring but it's a constant. Nowadays, we have Marly in the mix. Yeap. I finally relented and allow Cat to own a puppy, though there goes our honeymoon funds, not say we can travel anytime soon also. Have to see how this VTL and once our borders are open, how are we going to acclimatised to this new normal.

Guess I am digressing a little bit. 2020 has been a year of getting used to marriage life and yet at the same time, being to be lock down on this island with most places being inaccessible as compared to the past. At the same time, working at BNP had started to get change a little with the equity dealers moving in and me not being able to have Kok Whee around for most of the time. Weekends have become more of a monotone affairs, either Gaming, Netflix, Nintendo Switch, YouTube Travel Vlogs and small hikes around the neighbourhood. Just pretty much the same.

Then 2021 arrived, bonus letter came and go, did have my pay raise answered but still felt that it was not what I had hoped for. Ask for promotion, Albert said need to do extra and gave me a project to automate sending emails out to Front Office, which eventually took me 6 months and finally manage to get it done...just before I left. Ended up most of the time staying until 9pm at work, doing ad hoc requests from management yet want me to carry on with BAU, going for meetings where I also had to place orders from Front Office. Juggling so many stuffs while still being only an Analyst, just serve to piss me off even further. So eventually left BNP, joined Citco which I don't really have much of an expectation. I just wanted to leave so that I can carry on moving with my career and not stuck in one place. I don't really have any intention to stay in Citco for long as well but just to see how it goes. New job and a New Family Member. Change of lifestyles. 

It has not been easy because most of the time I am kinda like on my own and felt that I should pick things up as fast as possible because I felt that Jia Ning who is also new and young seems to be doing a good job. Considering I am 1 of the oldest there, I thought I should be doing better and faster. Alas, like any new job, especially when you are working from home, everything slows down because of lags as well as the difficulties in trying to teach someone without being by their side and seeing the screen. I actually felt bad about calling supervisors to ask them to show me how is done and what to do. Ultimately, I ended work frequently around 7.30pm Well its not that bad as much as BNP where I will need 1 hour to come back home which essentially means a late dinner and less time with Cat. Plus now I need to monitor and cater to Marly's needs as well. So it kinda feels like its a lack of control of my time, like you know the truly "me" time. 

I guess maybe all along i don't feel that I had carve out any "Me Time" for myself these past 2 years hence my mood is kinda bad I guess? Its like being free from all the commitments, sometimes even in the mind I will still be bothered about things. 

Back to the first part where cat said that I am visibly happier on the morning when I dont have to work, I guess because it is at my pace, i don't have to rush to do this or that or be worried whether I can finish my work on time. Its like life at my own pace. Do my coffee, seat down and rub Marly and watch the Japanese landscape video. Sometimes I wonder whether am I just asking too much or this is really what I need...