I can breathe again

 

What had been surreal before, have now taken place. I am able to work overseas without being in the office. It's kinda strange if you tell me 5 years ago, being a junior level I will be able to do this. Furthermore, being in a bank, being away from the office just sounds unheard of. Working means being in the office and overseas means its being on a holiday.

Also, remote desktop means that it is possible to work on your own computer and not on the company issued laptop, so it's definitely a huge opener and such a change of technology that have happen as we grow older.

Now I am serving my quarantine in Dorsett Hotel at Wanchai. We are visiting cat's grandparents and relatives and as per the latest quarantine, we will have to be in hotel for 3 days before switching to 4 day home quarantine where I will be staying with cat and her aunt's place. 

Being in quarantine, without much stuff to do and other things that distract, it's probably a good time to just blog and log whatever thoughts in my head. It's definitely been a long time coming I reckon. So I thought maybe I should do this while waiting for dinner to be sent to the door.

So, recently I have finally gotten my promotion and the pay increment was surprising and that somehow I had hit the salary milestone that I had always wanted. To be 50% of Cat's salary, but of course there is no bonus included so maybe it's not that high also. Hey, at least the basic salary is now at the level that I had always wanted. Though once I go to Australia with Cat due to her being seconded there, then maybe when I am back, I am unable to command such a salary already. Not sure if they will allow me to work in Sydney while still on Singapore payroll because technically I am on a different timezone and I will not ever be in office for a good 1.5 year. 

Like what I had spoken with wei ren earlier, till now I still have no clue on what to study there and of course there is this scary aspect of relocating and australia being notoriously racist and all. From my earlier posts, you can probably tell that I wanted to go because of the late hours I have been putting in and also stress and all of trying to understand the IR role and performing on my job. Also, as the company set up and the style of the job is different from how a bank is , where its very structured and fixed, here being more laissez faire than at BNP, there were undoubtedly more stress and pressures. These days with the volume dying down and I have gotten more experience in my role, it felt a lot better and I tend to work pretty much on time. With more time to spend with cat and marly, to cook more and other things to tend to. Mentally I also felt more resilient and happier as compared to the december to february period of the year. Heck even June was bad , though I had gone to Norway, but I was never truly relaxed. Came back and was thrown into the deep end of handling a new fund which resulted in June and July being the months where I had worked the longest ever. 

I believed it was only the beginning of september where I had a more or less breathable and more substantial period of normal working hours. Truly it's a lot better.

Clearing out the mess a little at a time

 To say the start of 2022 would have been similar to the start of 2021, would have been a gross understatement. It is a total opposite of it to be honest. A start which is so messy, so confounding and an emotional roller coaster was not what I had envisioned to be honest. 

Shortly my first post of 2022, Popo had a stroke, it was a very bad one and caused her right side to be paralyzed. It was so sudden and I had just visited her on 8th January and the stroke happened on the 12th January. She was strong and managed to recover and there was hope that she can go back home but she will be bed-ridden and possibly make a partial recovery. Then all of a sudden, on 大年初二 of the Lunar New Year, she had a second stroke and a heart attack at the same time. Now both sides of her brain are affected and lose all abilities to sense and motor skills. She cannot open her eyes and only can move her mouth. Basically, she is like a soul trapped in her body which is no longer working well. The very thing that she was afraid of. I was hit hard by this incident, though knowing its old age and we cannot do anything about it but it was still hard. I was crying uncontrollably at various times of the day, I was depressed and felt that I just wanted to run away. 

Probably I will have another post dedicated to that but now I wanted to just address the other mess in my life. So y'all know that I had changed my job and the pay was much better, my bosses seem more concerned and check in more with me compared to my bosses back in BNP. My teammates are nice and can get along. So then, what's the problem you might ask? Frankly I don't really know. It's as if something is just not right. My gut feeling tells me that this is not something that I want to do. Not sure if it's the style of the job or was it I cannot let go thinking of it after office hours. I ended working later on a consistent basis as compared to BNP though I do get compensated. Or was it the fact that I work from home and that the communication on things is difficult due to it ?

Back in December, there were days where I dread turning up at work( online since I don't have to go to the office). Probably it was due to the coverage of funds for various other colleagues and the fact that I just winged it as it goes. I frankly do not know what I was doing , just each day doing what I could do , end work late, restart again. 

Was I happy ? Nope. Was it due to a change of environment? I am not sure, possibly? The fact is I do not know. I still believe that leaving BNP was the right choice given the stale environment and all. I had to leave. I do not know whether it's the whole pandemic thing, I did not have a chance to reset myself, no holidays , no break...I don't know. So all these just keep accumulating and what happened to Popo , just kinda broke the straw. I don't know what to do anymore. When Cat mentioned that her boss wants to send her overseas for secondment, I don't mind that. I can do a year of doing nothing but is that a wise choice ?I just wanted to not work anymore and to just be a house husband or something. Take care of Marly, do chores, cook dishes, and repair the house stuff. Anything except work.

As much as I wanted to do that, financially we could get by, but the practical side of me felt that a dual income is a safer option than a single income. And furthermore if Cat really gets the secondment overseas, I wanted to amass as much income as possible as it will hit our finances. 

This morning , I did the hike from King Albert Park all the way to Tanjong Pager area. A total of 3 hours, could have been faster but well my pace is slow. Along the way, I heard a chinese couple talking about research and companies, and I think they mention about Barclays. I quicken my pace a bit to be more kaypoh but eventually I tired out. So it kinda hit me. I still am very interested in probably banking and finance related stuff. Like trying to make sense of things. I am not sure what jobs are there to allow me to make sense of things but I do like it. So it dawned on me that I do not see a future for myself in this role. I don't think I should just quit or something but still do my best in it. 

I told Cat about it and to her she felt that this Investor Relations Administrator role does not like add value to anything and it's more like a customer service role. I don't disagree. It's true since the job title already mentions Investor Relations. When I said it aloud to Cat that I will just quit and join her overseas in her secondment because my gut felt that this is not a job that I am happy with. I don't really know the reason but I am just not happy with it. I felt a sense of relief washed over me. It's like this is it. I just had to accept that I guess. 

The next mess for me to sort out is my mental well being.

For the past 3 months, every time a setback or things that don't go my way, my mood just drops. Every morning I wake up and then I just dread the time to turn on the laptop to start work. To me, I just take each day as it comes. While I was hiking along the rail corridor, I was thinking how to do a run/jog or hike without feeling the pressure of rushing back home. Like I saw that got people doing their morning exercise today and then trying to make it back home or before a meeting. Maybe the reason why I feel like dread is because I always feel that I am rushing to do my chores so that I can make it by 9am. 

Also, I have a lot of thoughts that tend to flood my mind and eventually lead me to not be present. Tomorrow, I shall try to wake up earlier , do some meditation/yoga and write down my thoughts maybe. Today I woke up early at 6.45 am to wash up and prepare for the hike from King Albert Park to Tanjong Pager. Hopefully, this will help to clear my head and re-focus on what I have to do. So to get back the control over my internal self and then I can have the clarity to handle/acknowledge that I am unable to control the external things. 

A New Year-Year 3 of the Pandemic

 And another year just went passed, it felt significant yet insignificant. Fleeting yet Lasting. There were changes yet it felt like nothing had changed. It's such a strange year indeed. A year of contradictions. Its like a step forward but yet there is a step back. Haha but just maybe the step forward is a few centimetres more than the step back, so nett is still a step forward. 

It has been quite some time since I have the opportunity or a time window to be huddle up in a random coffee shop at Millenia Walk typing this post out with a large cup of flat white at my side. Ever since the pandemic, I don't believe I ever had time out doing this. Random thought, I always end up at Millenia Walk when the weather is super wet and cold which it is this New Year 2022 Weekend. 

Today I am typing this out on a brand new Acer Spin 713 Chromebook unlike the old Acer Chromebook 11. Changed device but still a chromebook. See what I meant by Changes but yet it felt the same. Well bigger screen and heavier weight , oks so there is still some change. Haha. 

The past year I had left the banking industry, something that I thought I would never do because it has always been an industry that I wanted to make a mark in. Strangely, after 8 years in the industry, I decided to leave it. Frankly, I kinda felt that I have some kind of unfinished business with it and that I want to go back into Private Banking or Wealth Management , not necessarily a Front Office role but definitely not a Back Office role. 

Just a few days ago, had a chat with Cat that I felt that by quitting BNP and doing something else, my current self is someone whom I felt will have done a lot better in my old role. It's like a friend of ours had said earlier during a meet up " Sometimes all you need is a breath of fresh air". Here at Citco, a lot of times I had to improvise, adjust and maybe had to step up a bit as compared to BNP where I used to hide behind Kok Whee's back a lot and let him do more of the work while I just do those that I am comfortable with. These days, I do not have such a luxury as I am expected to take care of my own funds and if people are not around, had to cover for them even though I have no clue what is happening with that fund.

Earlier in december, somehow or rather, I end up with being a lot of cover for people and my own funds began to be more troublesome, I ended up working later and hence ended up more anxious, higher blood pressure and start to feel really bad mentally. I was not sure if the workload is normal, or I am just too inefficient or its too much. I just take each day as it is until I don't even want a weekday to come because it's too tiring. Cat also start to feel that I work too late and most of the time it's also me not wanting to let things go. 

It was only until the 3rd week of December where the people whom I covered came back and the management pull me out of a huge fund which I was shadowing my counterpart from Philippines, that I felt for the first time in a long while that I was able to breathe. Like a more relaxed rate, without the tightness around my chest kind. It's only then I realised that maybe I was a little burn out and had taken too much on my plate. I shared this with my superiors at the end of december and they recognised that I had indeed taken a lot on my plate considering I only do my funds at mid September onwards. 

I don't have any issues with my superiors and generally I felt everyone is oks and good to work with. Of course with a bigger team, there are bound to be a bit of team politics and stuff. But overall, if I need help, people will help so I am appreciative of that. Having said that, until now, I am still having issues trying to understand my boss and trying to work with her. On the flip side, they seem to agree that I had performed to their expectations and I think it's a good thing. After my time at BNP, I realised that I do need some form of appreciation kind like once in a while let me know I am doing oks or well. It kinda helps me to feel valued which I don't seem to get from BNP. 

There were a few times during december busy period where I question myself. Like is this job suited for me, is it something I want? If fact I thought should I even be working even. Recently Cat's boss wanted to recommend her to go to New York office or rather overseas posting as it will help with her career. But its a 1 year to a 1.5 year posting so technically with a new job, I don't expect to be able to take No Pay Leave or an overseas transfer to CITCO NY office. The most logical thing to do for me is to quit and don't work for a year or so as I wanted to follow her overseas. And that thought was actually tempting for me. It's like a break that I wanted, like a long long break. Whether I really need it, I do not know. I might just only need a 3 week holiday rather than a year long of not working. 

I like the break in routine when I travel, when I plan things around my own intended pace. Do things and see things I never seen and to experience the wide wide world out there. It took a pandemic to make me realise the yearly trips my Mum insisted that we as a Family should always do. Our Fengshui Master had suggested it previously as she says the luck always changes when one goes overseas and come back. But I would like to believe it helps my parents mentally and for us kids to just be exposed to the world. Like, be it a short Malacca trip or a long Europe trip, it is still a change of environment and pace.

Like today, time away from Cat and Marly, listening to J-Pop and typing this post out, helps me to breath better and just empty my brain. It really helps me to calm me down typing all these out. I know that I will have to be home by a certain time but the seconds and minutes before that time, it's up to my own pace. WIthin my own control.

Well, until the waitress just told me they closing in 10 minutes time.