To say the start of 2022 would have been similar to the start of 2021, would have been a gross understatement. It is a total opposite of it to be honest. A start which is so messy, so confounding and an emotional roller coaster was not what I had envisioned to be honest.
Shortly my first post of 2022, Popo had a stroke, it was a very bad one and caused her right side to be paralyzed. It was so sudden and I had just visited her on 8th January and the stroke happened on the 12th January. She was strong and managed to recover and there was hope that she can go back home but she will be bed-ridden and possibly make a partial recovery. Then all of a sudden, on 大年初二 of the Lunar New Year, she had a second stroke and a heart attack at the same time. Now both sides of her brain are affected and lose all abilities to sense and motor skills. She cannot open her eyes and only can move her mouth. Basically, she is like a soul trapped in her body which is no longer working well. The very thing that she was afraid of. I was hit hard by this incident, though knowing its old age and we cannot do anything about it but it was still hard. I was crying uncontrollably at various times of the day, I was depressed and felt that I just wanted to run away.
Probably I will have another post dedicated to that but now I wanted to just address the other mess in my life. So y'all know that I had changed my job and the pay was much better, my bosses seem more concerned and check in more with me compared to my bosses back in BNP. My teammates are nice and can get along. So then, what's the problem you might ask? Frankly I don't really know. It's as if something is just not right. My gut feeling tells me that this is not something that I want to do. Not sure if it's the style of the job or was it I cannot let go thinking of it after office hours. I ended working later on a consistent basis as compared to BNP though I do get compensated. Or was it the fact that I work from home and that the communication on things is difficult due to it ?
Back in December, there were days where I dread turning up at work( online since I don't have to go to the office). Probably it was due to the coverage of funds for various other colleagues and the fact that I just winged it as it goes. I frankly do not know what I was doing , just each day doing what I could do , end work late, restart again.
Was I happy ? Nope. Was it due to a change of environment? I am not sure, possibly? The fact is I do not know. I still believe that leaving BNP was the right choice given the stale environment and all. I had to leave. I do not know whether it's the whole pandemic thing, I did not have a chance to reset myself, no holidays , no break...I don't know. So all these just keep accumulating and what happened to Popo , just kinda broke the straw. I don't know what to do anymore. When Cat mentioned that her boss wants to send her overseas for secondment, I don't mind that. I can do a year of doing nothing but is that a wise choice ?I just wanted to not work anymore and to just be a house husband or something. Take care of Marly, do chores, cook dishes, and repair the house stuff. Anything except work.
As much as I wanted to do that, financially we could get by, but the practical side of me felt that a dual income is a safer option than a single income. And furthermore if Cat really gets the secondment overseas, I wanted to amass as much income as possible as it will hit our finances.
This morning , I did the hike from King Albert Park all the way to Tanjong Pager area. A total of 3 hours, could have been faster but well my pace is slow. Along the way, I heard a chinese couple talking about research and companies, and I think they mention about Barclays. I quicken my pace a bit to be more kaypoh but eventually I tired out. So it kinda hit me. I still am very interested in probably banking and finance related stuff. Like trying to make sense of things. I am not sure what jobs are there to allow me to make sense of things but I do like it. So it dawned on me that I do not see a future for myself in this role. I don't think I should just quit or something but still do my best in it.
I told Cat about it and to her she felt that this Investor Relations Administrator role does not like add value to anything and it's more like a customer service role. I don't disagree. It's true since the job title already mentions Investor Relations. When I said it aloud to Cat that I will just quit and join her overseas in her secondment because my gut felt that this is not a job that I am happy with. I don't really know the reason but I am just not happy with it. I felt a sense of relief washed over me. It's like this is it. I just had to accept that I guess.
The next mess for me to sort out is my mental well being.
For the past 3 months, every time a setback or things that don't go my way, my mood just drops. Every morning I wake up and then I just dread the time to turn on the laptop to start work. To me, I just take each day as it comes. While I was hiking along the rail corridor, I was thinking how to do a run/jog or hike without feeling the pressure of rushing back home. Like I saw that got people doing their morning exercise today and then trying to make it back home or before a meeting. Maybe the reason why I feel like dread is because I always feel that I am rushing to do my chores so that I can make it by 9am.
Also, I have a lot of thoughts that tend to flood my mind and eventually lead me to not be present. Tomorrow, I shall try to wake up earlier , do some meditation/yoga and write down my thoughts maybe. Today I woke up early at 6.45 am to wash up and prepare for the hike from King Albert Park to Tanjong Pager. Hopefully, this will help to clear my head and re-focus on what I have to do. So to get back the control over my internal self and then I can have the clarity to handle/acknowledge that I am unable to control the external things.
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