A sudden shock to life

 I did a random search and realized that in my blog 2.23% of my blog posts contain the word "Death". It's not a lot I guess which is a good thing ? lol...but it also goes to show that in my life so far, I have encountered death here and there. Especially with both sides of my grandparents passing and maybe things have changed drastically thus I link it to death. 

So last Wednesday, suddenly Cheralyn called for a quick call across all IR branches to announce that Garan who is Priyanka's ( my boss) husband had passed away. Garan also worked in Citco but much earlier than Pri so I had known Garan since 2022 onwards. But to be fair, I hardly work with him because he is a VP then and I was just a junior level. 

Then on the 4th April, we had a team bbq and that was the first time I had met him and shook his hands as well. It was very sudden that he had just passed away while in Manila and also when Dak just went over and came back. I remembered his kids who were so close to him especially his daughter, it just broke my heart to know that his son and daughter will never ever see him ever again. And they are so young as well. 

I don't know what happen as none of the management had told us what is the true cause of death, but I understand that they are not local and probably are Canadians. So, I don't know I mean it must have been  real hard for Pri to carry on in Singapore but at the same time, the kids are kinda used to here as well. 

In the face of death and all, it also make me feel humbled and all. Like when Hannah's fund client was being unreasonable and I had slightly raise my voice at them and yet harbour such anger and worry over their requests. 

It just made me goes like what is the point? I mean for both of our ends, what's the point for them to push for things until this extent ? what's the point for me being scared and worry about them ? what's the point for them being so rude over emails ? what's the point for them to keep calling us as if we are the only ones servicing them ?what's the point for myself to be angry at them ?

In light of someone being alive and full of vigor , only to just suddenly disappear from the face of the earth, what is the point of engaging in all these negative and useless emotions ? It makes me think everytime when I hear people being pushed to the edge in life and work, it just makes me think why would anyone just do that? Unless that person just being unable to emphasize and understand that such small actions can destroy somebody. I mean from another point of view, is also for the person subjected to these pain, to try to disengage but frankly, who is fully able to ? There will always be an impact no matter how small it is .

What it takes to be live in Singapore?

 https://dmnews.com/jus-what-no-one-tells-you-about-rebuilding-your-life-in-a-high-performance-city-like-singapore/

Just found this article online and I thought it was the German News Outlet but it's DM news and not DW news(Deutsche Welle News if anyone is interested to know). After reading through it and it also really resonates with me quite a bit because I had came back from a 1.5 years long break as well and from a much slower pace country back to a high performing country like Singapore. I probably have mentioned quite a couple of times the reasons we are back. However, I feel that this article captures those underlying thoughts that were just barely simmering below under the currents in my mind. 

1.The Dream of Many is to go to a slower paced country and live out one's life there.

Having been to Sydney and technically not working for a year and a half. One actually goes through like different stages of life. So initially ,I love the feeling of having the control of my time back to me. Mornings are walking the dog after dropping Cat off at work, playing Zelda and doing 2*exercises in the day before fetching wife back from work. Started to do lots of baking and readings and deep insights into one's self. Being mindful and all. Technically, I didn't expect myself to nua as long as I did but I am glad that I allowed myself because a main issue with my mental state was a lot to do that I keep telling myself I should not do this or that(ie. the SG society expectations is very strong in my mind). 

However, there will be a time which eventually hit me sometime in February 2024 where that there is a gnawing need for me to move forward and somehow Sydney doesn't feel like the place that is able to move forward. Even though its the country leading financial centre, but due to the laws and policies in place, the state or even the country as a whole feels like it is stagnant and that to find the political will to push ahead with projects, be it in the public sector or the private sector, just feels so tough. Projects don't get completed in time, get delayed, too high a budget in the end it's get abandoned only to be revisited in a couple of years. You see the inefficiency here?

I think moving to a slower pace of life society does allow one to heal and say find one's true self. Of course, there are some who determine that the true self is one that wishes to not progress at such a fast pace and prioritize the work life balance more. Hence, they stayed. But if one's true self is to be part of a society that moves forward, then it will be better to be in Singapore. 

Like the author, probably as an expat, I don't really feel like I am a part of the society in Sydney, like I don't believe Australians will ever accept me in their society because one is the race and the other is like I know that the stay is a short term. So to say that, to fully migrate over and build our life in Sydney or Melbourne, we never really felt at home in Australia. Like many others, we are here to stay short term and eventually will leave. 

2. Being in Singapore, one has to learn how to protect one's soul

Like the author had mentioned, behind the monetary rewards, the convenience of things, the efficiency of the country, there is quite a serious lack of feeling. It is as if it's a sin to feel like you need a break and do nothing, or its a sin if you are doing something that is outside society's norms. In general, as singaporeans, we tend to think that we don't have any agency or control being in this country. The truth is that we do have a lot of agency in life, it was due to the need for discipline and structure in the 60s, 70s and even 80s  where the country needs those traits for their citizens. Now when we are more educated and have a certain standard of living, we are moving away from the dullness and efficiency that a manufacturing economy needs and to a knowledge based one which demands more creativity and innovation. With those traits we will require the kind of freedom of expression and creativity that comes from the citizens having some level of agency in life. 

I truly believe that once one finds that inner belief or true self, then will that person be able to thrive in Singapore. Like the author mentioned, Singapore is not really a place that allows one to take a break and heal, it is doable but difficult. The country is like a test, a test whether one can survive in such an environment and with that, it is a test if an individual is able to stay true with one's self and thus thrive in this society. 

To be able to find the right balance of being one's true self, away from the talk of putting more hours , away from the talk of work life balance. At the end of the day it is the everyday waking up and being aligned with one's values and being engaged and not like a cog in a wheel. 

3.Living a Honest Life

I think this is a very used quote for some time already. But maybe in this context, it is not in the usual way. So living a honest life, is to a live a life that you are honest with your true self. Does every action you take is the one that you want to undertake? It could be the wrong or right action but is it the one that you will take even if you had to do it all again ? Of course, no one can be 100% honest so the thing is for one to strive to be as honest as possible. There are times where due to societal norms, you cannot do something and that's fine as long as at that point of time, you acknowledge it and say " I don't want to do this but I acknowledge that now is not the time for me to choose this way, hence I will do it" rather than " I don't want to do it but I shall be the one to tank this hit, to be the sacrificial lamb"

A bad start and end to the day

 Today at the end of the day at work, I was sent into a deep spiral of despair. There had been this PE fund that the client is very unreasonable and uptight which kinda make me have some kind of PTSD. I mean I only handle like a few items but the client is really uptight about so many things and regardless of what we tell them, it just never seems enough. 

To me, this fund just trigger a very deep negative emotion to it. So today after office hours the FA tries to get me to work on their request even though its not my fund, I just panic because Hannah whom is the fund owner had already left home. I tried to push back but the FA insist that we should be looking at it. Then it just trigger a whole of negative emotions...I was just cursing all the way. In the end, I had to ask my VP to step in because I don't think this report can be out by the same day. 

A lot of the negative emotions come in, like why do people not understand that other parties have issues and will take time to settle. How come one push until like that ? Why do people keep pushing others without a thought? Does it mean that only if something bad happen then you say sorry ? I don't get it at all. I think that's the thing that throughout so long I feel that a lot of times I cannot understand why people just keep pushing people. Why people cannot see each other as part of a greater thing ? If every party plays their part, things will be so much better...if people can emphasize, I am sure productivity will improve as well...albeit at a slower pace but still progressing nonetheless.

I guess to me, I am more in the camp of growth slower but productivity increases. When people feel more engaged and valuable, then will they be inclined to produce better results.  

Maybe I just treat work too personal...or maybe its I just dislike the fact that people imposes their will on you and be unreasonable that just trigger all these emotions in me. 

Maybe truly I am not suited for client servicing. I think after so long, the thing that still irks me the most is people who don't consider the other parties lives and just impose their wills on to them. Unfortunately, that's how things work here in Asian societies.