Don't believe everything you think

 

So ever since the previous breakdown, I was in JB two weeks back and I chanced upon this book. I remember while I was driving in Sydney, there was an audiobook that I was listening to that mentioned that not everything we think is real or something so naturally this caught my eye. And of course, the words like "End of Suffering" 

So the super short summary about this book is that we all humans have thoughts and thinking. The author believes that thoughts are ideas that are devoid of negative emotions and it serves as an uplifting and happy thing. However, the Ego inside all of us will start to think about it and rationalize why it does not make sense. Of course, lets say a thought says you want to rob a bank naturally the thinking will be it does not make any sense, the risk of being caught is high and the trade off is not worth it. So this thinking is like the mind or rather I would prefer the subconscious way of trying to do anything that is dangerous or self-harm. 

However, as we grow up, coupled with societal pressures and survival needs, the subconscious starts to be way more protective and start to become like a negative lens of vetting and eventually one feels that there is a lack of choices and that life is pretty much fixed and nothing can be changed. In reality, the truth is way further than that, we have way more choices than we think. 

The book tries to get the reader to harness the thoughts rather than spend energy on thinking\ruminating on negative things that had happen as the subconscious will bring these negative things as a way to reaffirm why one should avoid doing things. And when these negative incidents were brought up, naturally the negative emotions follow and then that's where chronic depression starts. 

Recently, I have been trying to classify my mind's chatter into Thoughts and Thinking. So I will say to myself that this is a Thought and if I start to think and negative emotions start ebbing , I will know that this is ruminating and that I should stop. Naturally, no one can stop Thinking fully because one need to think about something but it should be neutral and from a rational point of view. It should not be riddled with negative emotions or maybe euphoria even which may mean a certain thing is over-hyped.. 

It happened again

Can't believe I broke down again because of work. Back in 2022, I learnt that when faced with tough and pushy clients and at that particular point of time I was facing my own stress because of popo case , I will just break down and abandon all decision making. I become very emotional and can't stop crying and not being able to breathe. A panic attack now that I know what's that call. In the end, I didn't resolve the stress part and I allow my innate negativity to take over which resulted in chronic depression. My blood pressure was on a constantly high levels, I don't smile anymore... I cried randomly. In the day, I just keep working and behaving nothing has happened because I told myself it's my internal issue. At night, I don't want to talk anything else except work because I needed an outlet.. cause cat to be unhappy. 

Even when I went to Sydney with the intention to take refuge and reset, it took me about 6 months after cutting off work before I started to heal. 

So for it to happen again, it kinda sucks because it was something that I tried to not let it happen. I knew that one day the pushy client that I have will push me over but I didn't expect in the end it was the combination of overload and overwhelm followed by the daily arguements with the client that did me in. 

I didn't wanted to come back to IR because of the fast paced timeline and also pushy clients. So I was reassured of these issues by my VP. But as in all corporate cases, nothing goes according to plan. I found myself no middle managers to rely on help, pace of client faster than my own, getting push here and there. Initially it was alright, I managed to tidy up a client and I thought I should be doing fine. Until I was passed a very pushy client and then everything went down hill.

It also goes to show that truly I am not fit for IR or rather a client servicing role. And I have to accept that because last time I hated ops. So to be honest, fund execution was the best of both world... I don't face client but I face internal Front office and I handle a bit of the back office. It was transactional, once I m done for the day it's done . I don't worry what the next day will bring because I truly don't know. Unless it's an incident or smthg . I solve a problem then I move on. Over here, I solve one problem, there will be another problem and another problem. If the client is cool, yeah that's good but once the client gets pushy and all..I became very worked up.

Tbh when I broke down, the next few days I went into depression mode and I am constantly willing myself to not get sick into the spiral of chronic depression. Because now every morning waking up is a battle against that side of me. I know my ability to work at the kind of pace before it happen have also decreased dramatically..I don't really want to feel emotions anymore...I just want to make sure I do my part that's all. I feel that I don't want to think whether any person will shoot me or make me feel bad or I worry what others will think anymore. 

Even now when I think about the heightened pace, my heart rate increase and I feel a bit of my stomach tightening.