It happened again

Can't believe I broke down again because of work. Back in 2022, I learnt that when faced with tough and pushy clients and at that particular point of time I was facing my own stress because of popo case , I will just break down and abandon all decision making. I become very emotional and can't stop crying and not being able to breathe. A panic attack now that I know what's that call. In the end, I didn't resolve the stress part and I allow my innate negativity to take over which resulted in chronic depression. My heart pressure was on a constantly high levels, I don't smile anymore... I cried randomly. In the day, I just keep working and behaving nothing has happened because I told myself it's my internal issue. At night, I don't want to talk anything else except work because I needed an outlet.. cause cat to be unhappy. 

Even when I went to Sydney with the intention to take refuge and reset, it took me about 6 months after cutting off work before I started to heal. 

So for it to happen again, it kinda sucks because it was something that I tried to not let it happen. I knew that one day the pushy client that I have will push me over but I didn't expect in the end it was the combination of overload and overwhelm followed by the daily arguements with the client that did me in. 

I didn't wanted to come back to IR because of the fast paced timeline and also pushy clients. So I was reassured of these issues by my VP. But as in all corporate cases, nothing goes according to plan. I found myself no middle managers to rely on help, pace of client faster than my own, getting push here and there. Initially it was alright, I managed to tidy up a client and I thought I should be doing fine. Until I was passed a very pushy client and then everything went down hill.

It also goes to show that truly I am not fit for IR or rather a client servicing role. And I have to accept that because last time I hated ops. So to be honest, fund execution was the best of both world... I don't face client but I face internal Front office and I handle a bit of the back office. It was transactional, once I m done for the day it's done . I don't worry what the next day will bring because I truly don't know. Unless it's an incident or smthg . I solve a problem then I move on. Over here, I solve one problem, there will be another problem and another problem. If the client is cool, yeah that's good but once the client gets pushy and all..I became very worked up.

Tbh when I broke down, the next few days I went into depression mode and I am constantly willing myself to not get sick into the spiral of chronic depression. Because now every morning waking up is a battle against that side of me. I know my ability to work at the kind of pace before it happen have also decreased dramatically..I don't really want to feel emotions anymore...I just want to make sure I do my part that's all. I feel that I don't want to think whether any person will shoot me or make me feel bad or I worry what others will think anymore. 

Even now when I think about the heightened pace, my heart rate increase and I feel a bit of my stomach tightening.