A sudden shock to life

 I did a random search and realized that in my blog 2.23% of my blog posts contain the word "Death". It's not a lot I guess which is a good thing ? lol...but it also goes to show that in my life so far, I have encountered death here and there. Especially with both sides of my grandparents passing and maybe things have changed drastically thus I link it to death. 

So last Wednesday, suddenly Cheralyn called for a quick call across all IR branches to announce that Garan who is Priyanka's ( my boss) husband had passed away. Garan also worked in Citco but much earlier than Pri so I had known Garan since 2022 onwards. But to be fair, I hardly work with him because he is a VP then and I was just a junior level. 

Then on the 4th April, we had a team bbq and that was the first time I had met him and shook his hands as well. It was very sudden that he had just passed away while in Manila and also when Dak just went over and came back. I remembered his kids who were so close to him especially his daughter, it just broke my heart to know that his son and daughter will never ever see him ever again. And they are so young as well. 

I don't know what happen as none of the management had told us what is the true cause of death, but I understand that they are not local and probably are Canadians. So, I don't know I mean it must have been  real hard for Pri to carry on in Singapore but at the same time, the kids are kinda used to here as well. 

In the face of death and all, it also make me feel humbled and all. Like when Hannah's fund client was being unreasonable and I had slightly raise my voice at them and yet harbour such anger and worry over their requests. 

It just made me goes like what is the point? I mean for both of our ends, what's the point for them to push for things until this extent ? what's the point for me being scared and worry about them ? what's the point for them being so rude over emails ? what's the point for them to keep calling us as if we are the only ones servicing them ?what's the point for myself to be angry at them ?

In light of someone being alive and full of vigor , only to just suddenly disappear from the face of the earth, what is the point of engaging in all these negative and useless emotions ? It makes me think everytime when I hear people being pushed to the edge in life and work, it just makes me think why would anyone just do that? Unless that person just being unable to emphasize and understand that such small actions can destroy somebody. I mean from another point of view, is also for the person subjected to these pain, to try to disengage but frankly, who is fully able to ? There will always be an impact no matter how small it is .

What it takes to be live in Singapore?

 https://dmnews.com/jus-what-no-one-tells-you-about-rebuilding-your-life-in-a-high-performance-city-like-singapore/

Just found this article online and I thought it was the German News Outlet but it's DM news and not DW news(Deutsche Welle News if anyone is interested to know). After reading through it and it also really resonates with me quite a bit because I had came back from a 1.5 years long break as well and from a much slower pace country back to a high performing country like Singapore. I probably have mentioned quite a couple of times the reasons we are back. However, I feel that this article captures those underlying thoughts that were just barely simmering below under the currents in my mind. 

1.The Dream of Many is to go to a slower paced country and live out one's life there.

Having been to Sydney and technically not working for a year and a half. One actually goes through like different stages of life. So initially ,I love the feeling of having the control of my time back to me. Mornings are walking the dog after dropping Cat off at work, playing Zelda and doing 2*exercises in the day before fetching wife back from work. Started to do lots of baking and readings and deep insights into one's self. Being mindful and all. Technically, I didn't expect myself to nua as long as I did but I am glad that I allowed myself because a main issue with my mental state was a lot to do that I keep telling myself I should not do this or that(ie. the SG society expectations is very strong in my mind). 

However, there will be a time which eventually hit me sometime in February 2024 where that there is a gnawing need for me to move forward and somehow Sydney doesn't feel like the place that is able to move forward. Even though its the country leading financial centre, but due to the laws and policies in place, the state or even the country as a whole feels like it is stagnant and that to find the political will to push ahead with projects, be it in the public sector or the private sector, just feels so tough. Projects don't get completed in time, get delayed, too high a budget in the end it's get abandoned only to be revisited in a couple of years. You see the inefficiency here?

I think moving to a slower pace of life society does allow one to heal and say find one's true self. Of course, there are some who determine that the true self is one that wishes to not progress at such a fast pace and prioritize the work life balance more. Hence, they stayed. But if one's true self is to be part of a society that moves forward, then it will be better to be in Singapore. 

Like the author, probably as an expat, I don't really feel like I am a part of the society in Sydney, like I don't believe Australians will ever accept me in their society because one is the race and the other is like I know that the stay is a short term. So to say that, to fully migrate over and build our life in Sydney or Melbourne, we never really felt at home in Australia. Like many others, we are here to stay short term and eventually will leave. 

2. Being in Singapore, one has to learn how to protect one's soul

Like the author had mentioned, behind the monetary rewards, the convenience of things, the efficiency of the country, there is quite a serious lack of feeling. It is as if it's a sin to feel like you need a break and do nothing, or its a sin if you are doing something that is outside society's norms. In general, as singaporeans, we tend to think that we don't have any agency or control being in this country. The truth is that we do have a lot of agency in life, it was due to the need for discipline and structure in the 60s, 70s and even 80s  where the country needs those traits for their citizens. Now when we are more educated and have a certain standard of living, we are moving away from the dullness and efficiency that a manufacturing economy needs and to a knowledge based one which demands more creativity and innovation. With those traits we will require the kind of freedom of expression and creativity that comes from the citizens having some level of agency in life. 

I truly believe that once one finds that inner belief or true self, then will that person be able to thrive in Singapore. Like the author mentioned, Singapore is not really a place that allows one to take a break and heal, it is doable but difficult. The country is like a test, a test whether one can survive in such an environment and with that, it is a test if an individual is able to stay true with one's self and thus thrive in this society. 

To be able to find the right balance of being one's true self, away from the talk of putting more hours , away from the talk of work life balance. At the end of the day it is the everyday waking up and being aligned with one's values and being engaged and not like a cog in a wheel. 

3.Living a Honest Life

I think this is a very used quote for some time already. But maybe in this context, it is not in the usual way. So living a honest life, is to a live a life that you are honest with your true self. Does every action you take is the one that you want to undertake? It could be the wrong or right action but is it the one that you will take even if you had to do it all again ? Of course, no one can be 100% honest so the thing is for one to strive to be as honest as possible. There are times where due to societal norms, you cannot do something and that's fine as long as at that point of time, you acknowledge it and say " I don't want to do this but I acknowledge that now is not the time for me to choose this way, hence I will do it" rather than " I don't want to do it but I shall be the one to tank this hit, to be the sacrificial lamb"

A bad start and end to the day

 Today at the end of the day at work, I was sent into a deep spiral of despair. There had been this PE fund that the client is very unreasonable and uptight which kinda make me have some kind of PTSD. I mean I only handle like a few items but the client is really uptight about so many things and regardless of what we tell them, it just never seems enough. 

To me, this fund just trigger a very deep negative emotion to it. So today after office hours the FA tries to get me to work on their request even though its not my fund, I just panic because Hannah whom is the fund owner had already left home. I tried to push back but the FA insist that we should be looking at it. Then it just trigger a whole of negative emotions...I was just cursing all the way. In the end, I had to ask my VP to step in because I don't think this report can be out by the same day. 

A lot of the negative emotions come in, like why do people not understand that other parties have issues and will take time to settle. How come one push until like that ? Why do people keep pushing others without a thought? Does it mean that only if something bad happen then you say sorry ? I don't get it at all. I think that's the thing that throughout so long I feel that a lot of times I cannot understand why people just keep pushing people. Why people cannot see each other as part of a greater thing ? If every party plays their part, things will be so much better...if people can emphasize, I am sure productivity will improve as well...albeit at a slower pace but still progressing nonetheless.

I guess to me, I am more in the camp of growth slower but productivity increases. When people feel more engaged and valuable, then will they be inclined to produce better results.  

Maybe I just treat work too personal...or maybe its I just dislike the fact that people imposes their will on you and be unreasonable that just trigger all these emotions in me. 

Maybe truly I am not suited for client servicing. I think after so long, the thing that still irks me the most is people who don't consider the other parties lives and just impose their wills on to them. Unfortunately, that's how things work here in Asian societies. 

Look forward and not backwards

 life is so unfair to me Gene.

This Whatsapp came through on Monday late night from my uncle. I guess the rain and the night and possibly drinks ? had gotten to my Uncle's mind again. It leads me to think for about 45 mins how to reply to him. I went through different iterations from being forceful to explain things to just being philosophical. Decided went with the philosophical mode, ended up with a 3 paragraph...lol

He replied that he cannot think that way and that the world is all against him. I know that I will be affected a bit by his mentality due to my HSP tendencies, so I decided to just go and sleep so I can recharge myself and see how to reply to him. I can empathize but I also feel that I don't want to continue to indulge in his notion that the world did him dirty. Besides it has already been 2 years, the time spent wallowing and  replaying the past is far too long. It's like being trapped in this constant loop and never getting out, while the world has moved on and you are just stagnant. Just thinking about it is really scary, it is like constantly living and replaying the same situation again and again. Kinda like the Izanami technique used in Naruto, it's just constant hell, just keep replaying over again and again. Ironically, like in the anime, the only way to break Izanami, is to just accept one's fate. Accept that we cannot change that reality. If not, then it will keep replaying until you accept your fate. 

Hmm, I think that life whether in good times or bad times, unfair stuffs always happen. I think it really depends on how we see it or react to it. I think if we can see that life is neither fair nor unfair, then we will realise a lot of things happened in life for a reason. So good things/bad things that already happened can be due to our actions , other people actions or even a combination of both parties actions 

It is never purely because one side is correct and the other side is wrong. I feel that we have to recognize that both sides probably made mistakes and that it eventually leads to the current situation. Or even lets say one strike lottery, it can only happen because one made the effort to buy the 4D ticket. So there is always an action before a reaction. I feel if you can understand that, then you will feel that the unfairness part of life will slowly go away because there isn’t really anything that is fair or unfair in life. In life, there are only actions and reactions, cause and effect. So the idea of fair or unfair is just something that is being created by our emotions. 

Sad to say, relying on emotions are not exactly a good way to live in life. But, being humans we also cannot avoid being emotionless. In the end, it is about acceptance I feel. Whenever I go thru life events that probably make me feel bad, hurt, angry, sad …I go thru those feelings...and most of the time, at the end of it, I still end up at acceptance. Only once we have acceptance then we can have peace.

Well the above is what I replied to him. Actually, the other day at Keyang's place, met up with the guys after a long period of time, saw Ben Song and I felt that he was a bit emo. Like the topics he brought up were pretty depressing and I felt that he seems to have gone through some realization as well. Overheard he talk about being impacted by his parents' past actions which actually lead us all to be who we are and how it kinda programmed us to react in a certain way. 

He asked me so what had I figured out between the old me and the new me since I got back from Sydney. I think there has been a lot of changes but I guess the one big thing that I take away is that we are always in control of our lives and there are always options. However, I did not tell Ben that, instead I just share one of the many things that I think about while in Sydney. Was that I had always want to portray myself in a certain way because I wanted society to see myself in a certain way. Of course, this will come crumbling down once your inner self suddenly don't resonate with what you try to portray yourself. Maybe you can convince yourself for some time, but once the confidence gets a hit, it will just be like a house of cards. So I told Ben that in Aussie, people don't really judge you and basically just don't really care whatever you want to do. " You do You" thats what they say. Whereas in Singapore or most Asian societies, you are always hearing you should do this or you should do that, why are you just wasting your time away...well all those sort of things. Eventually all these comments just become a spectre that hover around me until I always believe that I should do/feel/think in such a way. 

I used to care a lot of those kinda things but then I realise that it doesn't really matter. It's just a spectre, it cannot physically impact unless I let it impact me mentally. Being away from Singapore society, allows me to have a quiet time to myself , away from expectations and all. 

After realising that, I think the next level is to allow yourself to do things that resonate with yourself. Only with the external and internal selves aligned, both resonating with each other then it will no longer be a house of cards but a house made of bricks that are held together with concrete. 

I didn't make it that far with Ben on that topic, but I hope he will figure it out and be at peace with it. He should be able to because I know he is that kind that won't give up. I hope my uncle will be able to pull through and not give up, I feel that the only way he is to find his peace , is to accept and then fight back. Fight back and reclaim the control in his life, to rage against the gods and show that whatever life throws at him, he will take it. Even if he cannot do it, least that he has tried and that is something he should be proud with. Well I guess that's my take on it but I hope he looks forward and not backwards soon.  

Lumina Grand

 

It felt like back in Jan 2019 where we got this place in Senja, Bukit Panjang. Well, I honestly prefer to be nearer to my parents in Buangkok then, but the prices there were untenable. I mean it is still possible but I think at that point of time Bukit Panjang, struck me as a place where the properties will be cheaper. So, I decided to follow the basic principle which is to be near one side of the parents. Saw a couple of properties. 7 properties in total, and then we chanced upon this one. It's what Cat has always wanted because of the location, I mean its really God like you know. A direct bus to orchard, 30 mins train ride to town or to the west side of Jurong East , direct trains to work for both of us. By car is still only about 35 mins to my parents place. 

Honestly, initially I was skeptical because the prices were really steeped and we ended paying COV as well. Also, I didn't like that we were beside a core road as well as the LRT track just right down our place. The living room was not too bad , pretty alright but yeah it's kinda noisy. At the same time, I was probably tired of trying to look for other properties, though I now know it is not as many as other people did. I probably don't really feel as grateful for this house in the first 3 years as compared to now, mainly due to my depression and negativity back then. I was hung up on a lot of things and frankly I couldn't really envision that I would be able to stay in a Condo or a private property. Well but here we are, I mean it's not hard in stone yet because still pending HDB approval and frankly we need to save much more money before the TOP. 

Similarly with Lumina Grand, it has the same vibes as when we got this house. It's a place that Cat likes it a lot but one that I am not really convinced by. I didn't like the location and the way the buildings are so close to each other . So we were more interested in the other EC which is called Novo Place which would have put it right in Tengah area( although it's really the far end, nearer to Jurong East then Tengah). I personally prefer that as well because the distance between the blocks are further and that the whole estate aesthetically looks to be developed better. Downside is the lack of carparks and probably the layout is just decent only. 

So we tried the first stage balloting phase, but we couldn't get a unit because of the second timer limit (30%). Then we were offered this unit at Lumina Grand which was bounced out as Lumina Grand launch was in Jan 2024 which we can't qualify for and we were in Sydney. Developer didn't increase the price when it was released back into the market and at that point of time, I wasn't really comfortable with the place and it was also west sun facing, which in Sydney had experienced before, it's alright in winter but in Singapore weather, No thanks. I remember Ronald, Cat's brother thinks from an investment point of view, if we don't take it, it is crazy...because of the stringent procedures for EC and also the element of luck plays a lot in getting an EC. So if there is one that is right in front of ya, you should just take it. However, a part of me felt that there is something at Novo place, and if we never even tried, then I felt that we will never know if there is a chance to get that instead. 

The second ballot came, and we tried and...frankly it was pretty disappointing, we were way behind the numbers and the unit that we wanted were all gone. Earlier I did mention to our agent that if we get nothing from Novo, we are going straight into Lumina Grand. Coincidentally, the unit was still available all this while, for 2 to 3 weeks, no one went for it. Like Cat and the agent also mention, if it's yours, it's yours. Then it became a mad rush to put in the down payment and to get the paper work done. I guess most probably there are others as well, all decided to wait until after Novo Place 2nd timer ballot. Luckily, we manage to get it over the line. 

So here we are, with the largest asset purchase of our lives, and it's one that is definitely as of now, currently punching above our weight and a bit is dependent on us earning more so to least cover some Reno costs. Of course, we also factor in a car that's why its so tight , because frankly this place with no car is really inconvenient. 

I do want to mention that it is within the 1km to ACS primary which was another reason we went for it. The good school effect is very much still strong in Singapore. 

Yeah this is the story behind it. I didn't have an entry for this house back in 2019 but I guess this one hits different so it deserves an entry here. 

How life just zoom past

 It's time for another update, I don't know if this will be the last post for the year. Maybe. So I am back for awhile now and that I really felt that I never really left Singapore after all this time. Well, 18 months to be exact. It still feels surreal that I was living an expat life in Sydney just 6 months ago. How strange that it felt like a long time ago. 

I still can remember the particular corners and traffic lights when I drive to fetch Cat to and fro from work. The cold weather hitting my face especially during the winter time, the vast openness of their parks where Marly was able to run free without her leash and will always respond to us when we called her. She was so calm last time and unlike in SG where she is always triggered and will keep barking. And of course, my trusty Toyota Corolla aka Tofu, I wonder how he is doing now. Weird that I am treating an inanimate object as an animated one. 

So, it has already been just over a month since I started work. Quite a couple of things had happened, I mean outside of work also...work had been quite alright to be honest. The pace is much slower than when I started at Hedge Fund and maybe because I had already been used to the system and all, I pretty much got up to speed with the systems at a much faster time as compared to my very first joining them from BNP. I think this time around, maybe it's just me or not, but  I feel that there is added pressure since it was Steph who had reached out to get me back and of course Cheralyn as well. Then I seemed to like know quite a bit of the AVPs and the bigger bosses that I felt that maybe my other teammates would have treated me differently. However, I don't feel that's the case, so I think I am lucky. I still hang out with my old teammates quite frequently especially for lunch and all. I guess the Private Equity Team is small so people like Hannah got her own clicque but Bavani is usually alone though she seems ok with being alone. It's kinda a bit hard to like in my old team where we click pretty good together. Probably it is just me thinking too much again. In a nutshell, I think so far work has been pretty alright and it's just getting up to speed and to achieve my goal of getting promoted to Supervisor by the next end of the year. I think this time round I am back, I felt that I had to move fast and keep getting promoted because of course I had taken the time off back in Sydney and also about the 3 year period that the Fengshui master had told me that this 3 years is going to be the years where everything will be smooth and that I had to make the most of it. After that, it's not gonna be as good already. So it's like, it's all or nothing. 

So the other big change that I had mentioned earlier in this post was also the reason why I need to get my promotions. Is that both Cat and Me had gotten a Penthouse EC at Bukit Batok which cost ridiculous money , it really stretch our finances nearly to the max. It is not impossible but it will definitely push us to our limits. So the days of free spending the past 5 years, means that we need to tighten the wallets more. So the only way to get back to those days, is to up our pay. Cat says her salary is pretty much flat the next few years unless she get fast tracked to Partnership, so it's just up to me now. I think in PE team, I don't know if there will ever be 2 AVPs , now there is only 1 and this 1 has been in the position for a very long time. But there are definitely vacant positions for Supervisor, so my goal is to get one of those positions and that will increase my pay. 

I mean if you follow my past entries, I had always mentioned that I don't like this corporate ladder climbing, like if its get to political, I don't like it. Right now, I see that least up to VP level here, doesn't feel like there is any politics. Not saying that there wont be , but it feels like it. The Fengshui master also got mention that I don't do well in a planning kind of role aka higher management like C-suite. Do I aspire to be that ? Well I know that from the beginning I never really am interested in it. So as long as my role is not those planning kind , more of the hands on and more transactional kind, not those boring data entries kind then I will do well in them. It kinda reminds me why I actually thrived in certain customer servicing roles, like in IRAS and in BNP where I faced the different RMs. I like roles when people look to me as a problem solver , so that's kinda my interest. Frankly, here in Citco, I dont really like the long term prospects because more and more work are being moved to India and Manila. I think it will eventually be like an exclusive team of Singaporeans that will be working with not increasing much head count unless more biz is earned or if the clients specifically mention that they want Singaporeans and the not the offshore team(s). That will also mean how much higher can fees be raised , since Singaporeans are expensive and that the offshore teams are way much cheaper( I just learnt that a VP in Manila earns twice as less as me a Senior Officer). 

Well I guess that I probably need to head to another kind of direction, but in the meantime, I need to secure my promotion by the end of 2025. That's definitely my goal for the year. 

A lesson for us all on being kind to everyone including ourselves

So I believe I had mentioned before in my previous posts about my uncle david from my dad's side who is going through a very bad time. With his divorce or separation and also to deal with the aftermath of the fallout between our second uncle and himself which is like a sore wedge between all the brothers. 

TL:DR during Ah Ma passing that period, it seems that my uncle David was also going through a separation between my auntie and himself and also that both my cousins decided to follow my auntie. During that period, my second uncle, being his usual egotistic and insensitive self, kept trying to get my uncle David to do some things for him and also bypassing command and contacting my cousin directly. At the same time, with his temper as well as his insensitive comments eventually push uncle David over the edge( at that same time, he was facing his separation issue), and cause my uncle David to implode that he tried to literally punch him. So ever since then, there is always this thing between uncle David and the rest of the uncles, including my dad. Of course, we are all worried for him because it seems like he has lost the will to live , to move forward. His front teeth dropped out and he didn't go to fix it, he is not getting enough sleep for 2 years, his views of the world are all dark and slightly warped. He mentioned that he just went home and then zoned out, kept crying then started the day all over again. His health also went downhill with Shingles and also fainted at home, with no one knowing that he fainted, only to regain consciousness again after a while(God knows how long). 

On the problem with my second uncle, it seems that at this rate, things probably will not be getting any better between all of them. But hopefully it will mellow and things can be better in the future but definitely not in the short term I believe. 

On the problem with his marriage, I feel that whatever happens in the past, was something that can be avoided but unfortunately, at the end of the day, if it failed , it failed. So last week, we 3 kids met up with Uncle David to listen and to advise him but end of the day, if he feels that there is no way forward in that end. For us kids, so be it because ultimately we cannot advise too much without knowing the context but based on our marriage experience(s), what happened in the past could be mitigated and there is still a chance to reconcile in our opinion. However, like I say, we don't know the full context so maybe he had tried but my auntie is an absolute no. I would like to think that's not the case and I really wanted to know what my auntie thinks. Sadly, my uncle feels that if we sound her out then there is a possibility that we may disturb the current dynamics such that my auntie won't ever want to meet up with him or rather allow their daughters to meet up with him anymore. Unfortunately, that option is closed to me but my intuition or curiosity feel that if I meet up with Auntie then there might be something I could help in a way, maybe not be the bridge between them but more of guiding them to understand my uncle personality and for him to want to change. Anyways, I don't really have a clue what actually happened that caused my auntie to go down this route, is it the constant negativity or is it he did something wrong. 

Because I was also pretty similar with my uncle for a period of time and I am sure I had made Cat feel really unhappy in the relationship. The situation that got me thinking was that one day Cat had suddenly woken up from a dream and cried that I will leave her because it feels like she was the one that make me unhappy. All along I thought that she was the one not happy with me but when it became apparent that I was the one making her unhappy, it kinda trigger a change in my mindset that I need to recognize and acknowledge that all along I was the problem.

Maybe it also seems to coincide with me reading about imposter syndrome and pulling away from work anxiety issues that also allows me to take a step back and acknowledge where things are going or maybe like the fengshui winds are changing for the better. But I got a better understanding of my mindset and on how to move forward. 

It is scary personally because I feel that both my uncle and I have the same kind of personality and that there were so many similarities in how we perceive things. I think what kinda saved me from spiralling every deeper was that Cat was more patient and held on longer and also probably I was pulled away from the unseen pressures of being in Singaporean Society. Once abroad, one's perspectives will changed and that one will realise that society at large is pretty big and that actually we are pretty much always in control of what we do and think. There are other ways of living life and that the world is a very big place. I know that I am privileged to be able to travel to many places by my age and also the opportunity to live abroad albeit a short period of time. So I know that there are possible many people who don't or unable to have the opportunity to do so. Hopefully, for them they are able to find their peace wherever they are in life. For my uncle, I had wished that when I am back, I would be able to help him better as I now see things a bit differently and that I also have the emotional capacity to do so but alas, his divorce and separation had happened while I was not at the right stage of mind and also when I was far away in Sydney. 

It is unfortunate that not many people understand HSPs and how they work and comprehend things, also within HSPs there are many different kind of mindsets and characters which lead them to do what they do. Luckily there are more information online for people like us but it is still up to us on how to set ourselves up for society as currently in Singapore Society, I do not believe that it is ready for HSPs nor society really know how to handle us at our worsts. 

Back to my Uncle David case, I hope that he will be able to find his peace and his motivation in life because he is only 51 or so and that still have a good second part of life to carry on. I am not sure if he has an underlying belly of fire, I know that for me, once I am at an absolute bottom, maybe some show or something will kickstart a fight in me and will rage against the world and to continue to fight back so to get my life back. I feel that I get that from my mom, but I'm not sure if my uncle has that in it because it feels like for quite a few phases of life, he ran away from a challenge. Although right now he is raging against my second uncle for his insensitivity and unfair treatment but to what avail, I feel that his anger is targeted at a spectre and not at what life throws at him.