Am I just asking too much or this is really what I need?

 Yesterday, Cat said that I was visibly much happier when I was at the living room, with my laptop open and just watching about indie stories about Japanese Individuals living in Japan outdoors. I felt that I was not dreading for the 9 am start where I knew I had to dive deep down into my work and trying to keep on to pace with everyone else. I mean don't get me wrong, I don't think the environment is toxic or anything but its more of like being at home does give one the feeling that you are pretty much on your own and trying to figure things out. Citco even had given me a small pay adjustment even though its only been 3 months since I last joined the company. Wasn't expecting that. 

Coupled with that both cat and me had to find time for lunch together amidst seemingly tight work schedules and meetings. Or rather each day, as our work are more flexible these days, I kinda missed the fixed boring schedules of 1 pm lunch time with Leric and Lawrence...I mean its boring but it's a constant. Nowadays, we have Marly in the mix. Yeap. I finally relented and allow Cat to own a puppy, though there goes our honeymoon funds, not say we can travel anytime soon also. Have to see how this VTL and once our borders are open, how are we going to acclimatised to this new normal.

Guess I am digressing a little bit. 2020 has been a year of getting used to marriage life and yet at the same time, being to be lock down on this island with most places being inaccessible as compared to the past. At the same time, working at BNP had started to get change a little with the equity dealers moving in and me not being able to have Kok Whee around for most of the time. Weekends have become more of a monotone affairs, either Gaming, Netflix, Nintendo Switch, YouTube Travel Vlogs and small hikes around the neighbourhood. Just pretty much the same.

Then 2021 arrived, bonus letter came and go, did have my pay raise answered but still felt that it was not what I had hoped for. Ask for promotion, Albert said need to do extra and gave me a project to automate sending emails out to Front Office, which eventually took me 6 months and finally manage to get it done...just before I left. Ended up most of the time staying until 9pm at work, doing ad hoc requests from management yet want me to carry on with BAU, going for meetings where I also had to place orders from Front Office. Juggling so many stuffs while still being only an Analyst, just serve to piss me off even further. So eventually left BNP, joined Citco which I don't really have much of an expectation. I just wanted to leave so that I can carry on moving with my career and not stuck in one place. I don't really have any intention to stay in Citco for long as well but just to see how it goes. New job and a New Family Member. Change of lifestyles. 

It has not been easy because most of the time I am kinda like on my own and felt that I should pick things up as fast as possible because I felt that Jia Ning who is also new and young seems to be doing a good job. Considering I am 1 of the oldest there, I thought I should be doing better and faster. Alas, like any new job, especially when you are working from home, everything slows down because of lags as well as the difficulties in trying to teach someone without being by their side and seeing the screen. I actually felt bad about calling supervisors to ask them to show me how is done and what to do. Ultimately, I ended work frequently around 7.30pm Well its not that bad as much as BNP where I will need 1 hour to come back home which essentially means a late dinner and less time with Cat. Plus now I need to monitor and cater to Marly's needs as well. So it kinda feels like its a lack of control of my time, like you know the truly "me" time. 

I guess maybe all along i don't feel that I had carve out any "Me Time" for myself these past 2 years hence my mood is kinda bad I guess? Its like being free from all the commitments, sometimes even in the mind I will still be bothered about things. 

Back to the first part where cat said that I am visibly happier on the morning when I dont have to work, I guess because it is at my pace, i don't have to rush to do this or that or be worried whether I can finish my work on time. Its like life at my own pace. Do my coffee, seat down and rub Marly and watch the Japanese landscape video. Sometimes I wonder whether am I just asking too much or this is really what I need...

Finally an ending of a Chapter. And the start of a new Chapter.

 Frankly after the day out with GK yesterday, I realise that I have let go a lot of my negative emotions and negative thoughts about BNP and the state of the bank when I left them. I probably suffered a minor burnout as compared to GK who have to resort to seeing a counsellor for help. 

Up till 2020, I would say that my role at Fund Execution had been chill and relax. With most of the difficult and KYC documents, I leave to Kok Whee to handle. And both of us can leave at 6 pm. Of course, I am slightly disturbed about not getting my promotion after the 5th year or so, but I reasoned that I probably gave off a slack vibe and hence management felt that there is no need for me to have it. Granted at the end of 2020, I wanted to an increase in pay and Albert did give it to me even though the environment was not great either due to the pandemic.

Increasingly, deep down I began to feel that I am not getting the recognition, the development and to a certain extent, the remuneration that I deserved. Coupled with the late nights, the increasing workload and the inefficiencies caused by the migration of the support to cheaper countries, it eventually lead me in a downward spiral to burnout and maybe a little depression.

I had thought that it might be a new environment or maybe its a new lifestyle that I had to adjust after marriage that kinda cause some rifts with my Cat. In hindsight, my sub conscious might have already been impacted and that the negative emotions have start to spill over into my daily life. Its ironic to a certain extent that in the past, I had always warn myself to not let my work problems flow back to my daily life. I guess with the increasing WFH and the pandemic lockdowns that happen here and there, my late nights and the fact that I was unable to offload or share my burdens to Kok Whee or my other colleagues lead to me offloading on to Cat. 

I was not happy because I am unable to have the support at work, be it by the back office or by supervisor and the increasing demands of the Front. Being stuck in the middle of the Front and the Back, having to be involved in meetings which management deemed that they need my experience and yet at the same time, they don't want to give the recognition in terms of promotion or pay. I agree that my role was not the most specialised and frankly, it's not difficult to do once one gets up to speed with it and the products knowledge starts to build up. I just cannot get passed the fact that the whole private bank execution is only run by 2 staff and yet it always felt that we are pushed to one side and be expect to be counted without any recognition. Then with no space for further growth , it of course leads me to think what am I truly doing here. Its like a cage being trapped with no way to go. Naturally, when the offer comes from Citco, it makes it so much easier to take it with the higher pay as well. 

It does feel like it was a sinking ship kind of feeling being in Ops during this period of time where we are always fighting fires here and there. Of course, a company as big as BNP will never truly sink. Probably, they will be able to find someone able to come in and fix the holes or at least patch it until the next best candidate take over. Of course, there is a small possibility that the ship may sink and that they will exit Singapore. Frankly, I don't see that as the market here is growing and it will be stupid for them to ignore. 

It was not easy saying the goodbyes with the relationships that I had forged with so many people in the organisation. Not least the relationships I had built with the Front Office and surprisingly, the group of people that I eventually get to enjoy working with. Even with the dealers like Eddie and Ivan whom in the past, I didn't really like to have any dealings with during my time in settlements, somehow it felt like a closure given by the Universe. Due to this pandemic, I was able to be in the same room as Eddie,Ivan and Dave, who couldn't have been nicer and friendly to talk to and have much needed positivity in the room. 

Being in operations most of the time, the general feel is that the Front always demands a lot from the Ops and that we are always getting pushed. Then when I moved to Execution which is kind of Middle-Back, things gets better. So to me, it had felt so hypocritical of people from the Front. However, after spending a greater number of years in Execution and seeing new Front Office join and building new relationships with them, the Front became the group that gave me the recognition and the joy that I am helping people. 

Recently, a MA had shared an article about 6 things that showed why you should leave a role. Turns out that I had hit all 6 pointers of the article. Its really that bad after all. It may be that all these bad stuffs are just happening in my head, but even so, its still a good enough reason for me to quit BNP. Sometimes all one need is just a change of environment to find back myself. 

Mentally this pandemic had enact a toll on all of us , whether its a small impact or a significant one, it also just brings up all the inefficiencies and the problems that we had swept under the rug, Its like a huge wind came and all the dust were push out of the rug under it.

It is kinda sad that I were to leave in such circumstances. From another perspective, it takes all these shit to finally push me out of BNP. Something that I have to take note of when I leave Citco, and to have the courage to go if I really have to. In a way, these shitty experience is also a learning experience for me to take along and ingest. Also for me, to find back myself, to find joy in things that I probably take for granted pre pandemic and to really appreciate the things that I usually find joy in.

To Inspire, To Contribute, To be the Difference, To live a mark on this World.

 Growing old and dying is what gives meaning and beauty to the fleeting span of a human life. It's precisely because we age and die that our lives have value and nobility. Strength is not a word that means much in regard to the flesh.

This week I am on leave and I decided to watch Demon Slayer: Mugen Train which was a continuation of the anime that I had watched on Netflix previously. It is a great anime; worthy to be those anime that had made an impact on my life. The quote was by the Flame Hashira, Kyojuro Rengoku who made that remark to the demon Akara. There were other quotes made by him to Tanjiro as well, like as he is the senior in the Demon Slayer Corps hence he has the duty to protect his juniors. Even at the cost of his life. 

Recently I have been doing a lot of thinking on what exactly are our purposes in this world. I like that idea that one day I would like to pass on my values and things that I had learnt to the next generation. At the very least, some of the values that I have taken aboard and mold into my personality. I have read many books and watched shows and anime. From these, I have also learnt many values from them. 

Ever since young, I have always struggled with finding the value of a human life. None of people who are closed to me are able to give me an answer that connected with me. There were times where some movies or anime quotes manage to move me, maybe it's because it's not my time to receive the lesson. Until today. 

The above quote is a great example on why we as humans do not have immortality even though I am sure we as a race, will always go searching for it. It is normal to die. We will go back to wherever we come from, be it the great cycle of the universe or the afterlife. There will be a time where our light will be off. Because we are not immortal, our lives have value as it is exhaustive. Every breath we take, every second the clock ticks, we are closer to the end of our time on this world. 

To Inspire, To Contribute, To be the Difference, To live a mark on this World. 

Right now, the present me have not much to offer to the next generation. I want to be able to pass down things that I have learnt and believed to the next generation. I know that I am not strong enough yet like Tanjiro when he realised that he cannot help Rengoku. For far too long, I have been mucking around, spending time wallow in my own incapability. 

"Stand tall and be proud. No matter how weak or unworthy you feel keep your heart burning, grit your teeth and move forward. If you just curl up in a ball and hide, time will pass you by. It won't stop for you while you wallow in your grief."

Like in the second sentence of the quote, I have been known to do that even though I have been hearing similar quotes for a long time. It is very easy to do that, to keep replaying things in my head over and over again. Eventually times passes me by. Like the first sentence, as long as my heart is beating and there is a will to live, bear the pain and keep moving forward. Until the time where you know you did everything and have done what you wanted in this life. Death ultimately is also a choice. 

To achieve the quote in Purple, I have to change. I have the capability to change, to learn and absorb these teachings into my character, my values so that one day I can passed it forward. To be an example, the shining beacon for my sons, my daughters and whoever who come after me to carry with them and then for them to passed down to their successors. To be an educator for the next generation. 

Big Changes.

 Phew. Another year. But an unprecedented year indeed. Got married. Have my own place. Additional family. A Global pandemic. No Honeymoon. No twice a year travels. Not meeting the 9 dragons enough. No longer parents helping to manage the house. Don't see my parents often. Have my own desktop PC. 

Big Changes indeed this year.

Up til as recent as yesterday, I had not really gotten used to this new life yet. I kinda get it now why some people teared up during their weddings especially the ladies. Its a life away from the comfort zone, our parents, our loved ones who we are used to see, to disturb, to play with every day. The household chores which always seems that as kids we are not used to always doing. The time taken for home cooked food, to wash, to prepare and to cook. Of course, the freedom to choose what to do with the time one has, means also greater freedom. 

At the same time, one has to take into account someone's else dreams and ideas of the future. Also, the future feels a bit more uncertain because every adult decision being made will have an impact on both our lives. It feels a bit empowering as it feels intimidating. 

After these few days of leave, hanging out with my parents at MBS on Monday, listening to Master Lynn on future predictions and just not thinking about work, I felt a lot more at ease. I probably will not be able to be like in the past where I can be more selfish and do things on my own without much thought. There will be changes to be made and new responsibilities being placed on myself as I get older. When the kids arrived, or even a dog arrived, it will be another round of re-adjustments again to both of our lives. Hopefully by then, I will be more prepared and mentally more grounded to handle it. 

Weathering with You

It has been such a long time since I last watch a movie by myself, I reckon it has already been 11 years. Previously got a girl set in the same role as me . Unfortunately, this time is a guy. Haha. What to do, its an anime movie. It's good...in a way, I chose the very centre seat so it feels that I have this ultra huge screen and awesome surround sounds around me. Well including a couple behind who was quite noisy. But can tell that they are otakus also haha.

This was the next film after the successful movie " Your Name " by Director Makoto Shinkai. I would say that this time round, the storyline wasn't as awesome as "Your Name", but the effects and the art were awesome and very on point. I noticed it at the beginning when even a drop of water, the climbling of metal steps to cement steps all sound differnt. The various thunder sounds were also very on point. I remembered that in "Your Name", i teared but over here I wasn't that much affected. Can't say for the couple behind though. This time round, the movie was pretty direct and not as thought provoking as "Your Name".

I think "Your Name" was about what one's action will have a cause and effect on the future. Whereas in "Weathering with You", one'e action does not have much impact because ultimately either Nature or the various actions of society has a greater impact than yours. in WwY, it feels like what society's perceives of you is not important, because you are truly not that important in a world where everyone made their own decision and that it will generate a totally random result. In a way, this movie is to show to us that we don't have to place the world's burden on our own shoulders. It is perfectly alright to wish for our own desire. At the end of the day, it is what we truly want that matters the most. In a way, like the female lead in the anime, she had always just wished for others and always make the decisions that are deemed truly virtuous by society. Only for her to make the ultimate sacrifice that she thought( and every movie goer would think as well) so to save the whole humanity from the non stop rain. Eventually, she made her last wish for her self and the way sinks back to non stop rain.

Fast foward 3 years, was their decision the wrong one ? The whole tokyo is now flooded and the rain was still non stop. The male lead met a grandma who wanted to have sunlight 2 years back but now its already 3 years in the future, she has also gotten used to where she stays now. She made a remark that in the past, tokyo was truly a bay and that over the years a string of decisions by humans and the weather shaped it into the city that it is today. So she have accepted it and in a way, also accept that its nature reverting to her original form. So in the end, humans adapted to it and it didn't matter whether the female lead gave her life or not. Even though the weather didn't change, but for the male and female leads, they are together and that's what was important to them.

Changes. Adulting

I remember that previously I did have an entry on leadership. So yesterday, I was telling Cat about the Saturday event at Yan Cong place and I guess she was a bit stressed like about the wedding and what are the plans and schedule like. She was afraid of people asking her and she felt that it’s too stressful because I guess it’s like she feel that they judge her to a certain extent? Especially the ladies. My initial emotion was that of why she makes it sounds like so stressful and just be transparent about it. After which she was stressed by the bridesmaids request about the dresses and so she was going on about why she don’t like weddings and all. Technically, I don’t mind not having a wedding either but I concur with Wei Ren that wedding end of the day is like a form of respect to both families especially the elders. To not take them into account to me it’s kind of selfish as the younger generation. Of course, not to the extent that is life-threatening or financial-crippling kind of damage to us.

It kind of set the tone that in the future, with kids or not, I have to step up and make some calls and decisions in what I would term as day to day decisions. In the past or even now, staying at home with parents, it is very easy to overlook and take for granted certain things in life now. Like house work, house maintenance, ensuring that your spouse is happy and healthy, how to allocate enough time for extended families. Also, one has to take responsibility for your spouse reactions and actions. In the future, whatever decision was made on the kid will have a long lasting impact either on the kids’ lives or even on me and my spouse life.

Coupled with all of that, you yourself are still growing and learning as you age. Trying to figure out the future and how you want to live your life. Managing and balancing different parties and to get every parties involved to be on the same page, it’s definitely tough. It’s like how does one manage the executive committee at a company with the likes of the CEO, CIO, CFO and etc.

Career has definitely been put on a foothold currently while I am going thru this wedding and house renovation process. Also, bringing 2 different lifestyles and finances together, is going to take some time and clashes. It also feels like I have to take care of the wedding as well and need to plan on things and also to coordinate the various groups of people. It does seems and feel overwhelming but I know that Cat don’t exactly like these things and we could probably get a wedding stylist or someone to help. However, I don’t think it’s worth the money though.

I definitely need to find more time to do such things and at the same time balance the future dreams of mine as well. Slowly I need to change the way I do things and the time, effort, content and thoughts that I invest in myself. It's a brand new world.

The Frailties of the Human Society

As the news of Hong Kong persistent demise into anarchy, it just shows how easily humans can slip into chaos and lawless-ness. This is a good example how easily a society which has long pride themselves on safety and order can so easily slide into weekly affairs of violence and chaos. Here in Singapore, we also have to be mindful of such a possibility and not take whatever peace we have in here for granted. Civic protests are all good and all but once violence have taken a hold and proven effective. Riots and chaos will start to reign. What had started with good meanings has given way to something more violent and incomprehensible. Truly the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

From the looks of it, the government in Hong Kong has lost all power and control in the city. It is natural for the Mainland to assimilate more of Hong Kong back into China, by removing barriers; it causes an open market to sky rocket and is out of reach of middle and low income groups of society. It made housing even more unattainable for the locals; it robs these groups of society of hope and dreams. I believe that this is a classic case of how government’s decision to open up markets can lead to such catastrophes. Basic needs of any society should only be a public good and not treated as a private good. Open market forces have always shown that the invisible hands of the market can bring great returns for the players but yet also a great loss for them as well. In this case, the welfare loss to society is huge and the rich gains the most from this.

Basic needs are like commitments. Commitments are never meant to be taken with a huge amount of risk. One does not simply use their parent’s retirement funds to gamble. It is the same as in this case. Yes. With an open market, in order to provide the best possible housing as it is profit driven, developers will always strive to do better. However, without control, any good which is limited as land in this case, will only result in the majority of society having less access and the welfare loss growing ever so big.

When basic needs are not met, society tends to be unmotivated, a lack of purpose which will eventually leads to a hopeless future. Similarly to an animal driven to a corner with nowhere else to go, what will it do? Even the most docile animal will retaliate and force it way out. Either one tries and survives or it dies. Survival instincts kick in.

Humans are no exception to the rule. Regardless of whatever morals or values that one holds, when faced with a survival situation, there will be many who will throw such concepts out of the window so to ensure their survival. Granted that there are some who will uphold their principles to the very end but how many are able to do that? Will it be the majority that will still uphold their principles? It is possible but it is never a definite.

Did both the HK and Mainland government thought about these when the barriers are lifted? Even without the barriers being lifted, the issue with an open property market is still there and eventually it will still blow up.

Did the authorities try to rectify the problem by improving public housing? Apparently, under pressure from the private sector, the authorities decided to just ignore the problem and resulted in this ticking time bomb.

If ever one day, Singapore has also chosen to go down a similar path with basic needs being privatized and being risked, we too would also fail as society will thins and eventually break. Whatever talk about democracy or freedom of speech or equality will be thrown out of the window and only in favor of whom can provide us the access to basic needs. It has been proven in history as how Hitler came into power and history tends to repeat themselves in some way or another. If ever that day should come, I will not hesitate to look for alternative places as a backup to secure a future for my family.

What is left for the locals in HK now? Regardless whether they can accept it or not, HK will always be part of China. There is no way for the locals to refute or change that fact. If anything, the authorities will have to hold their hands up and admit their mistakes and start to listen and care more for the greater parts of society. And for the mainland government to truly win the hearts and minds of the HK locals, they will do well with starting to solve the lack of basic needs(which is the bulk of the feelings of protestors) and not see these protests as a rejection of their authority.