Looking into the Crystal Ball

Recently went for a fengshui session with my parents and sis. Then the hot topic was literally about me not getting a girlfriend=.=....because apparently for the next 2 years I won't be with anyone then got this one year where got chance then the next 5 years no one again...then the most optimistic view is that i may get married at 32...so in some sense I think its rather bleak hur. Apparently there was someone in 2009, but for some reason I missed her. I can only think of lisian cuz well I was after her that time, but well it wasn't meant to be. If she is not the one, then it might be the other girl who seemingly sticks to me for some time, but I wasn't really interested in her. But in any case, it was all in the past.

Another pointer that she pointed out was that I am very stubborn and inflexible which I agree to some extent. Said that I should be more open to match-making and such stuffs...but I still think its not really for me, call me stubborn or whatsoever. In any case, I know that to improve, I should be more flexible in the future, regardless of career or relationship.

To say that I am not affected is nonsense. I don't really know why. But I was rather devastated by it. Its like I always feel that we have some control over our life, but somehow the revelation that its been somewhat predestined, its pretty scary to me. I don't really know what happened to me that night, but I was really really down... its just like a waterfall of saddening emotions just overwhelms me. I wonder is it my somewhat "persistance" to stick with muddy, though somewhat lessen but there is still some drops left in the cup. I then wonder what my life would be, will it be actually like somewhat predicted? Ever since the last session with her, I told myself that I should changed the picture that was shown to me, but, it happened and I couldn't stop it.  I was told that its possible to change, but it would take a huge effort from my part. Then I started wondering whether the effort to change is all but actually a part of the journey to the predicted picture. I sort of gave up thinking after awhile....then I somehow sort of like drifted away from the thinking, listening to sounds of tv, the crickets and the chatter of families around the neighborhood. I sort of awaken after a loud sound of someone drop a pan or smthg. I never really talk to anyone regarding this, maybe because even I can't pinpoint where the problem was and I don't think this is justified enough in wasting others' time, though at the point of time, I was hoping to have someone. But, must put a word of thanks to lei for sms-pei-ing me the next day, we didn't talk about the problem but it sort of made me feel better.

I want to change, yet I am afraid of what would happen if I changed, what will be forced to give up? Then, what if the change is not what it seems to be? What if it all happened again? I don't really know. People tells me that I should not be stubborn and inflexible but am I really that stubborn to begin with? Do I always tell myself that it should be this way and only this way? I think so...definitely, maybe its not those straightforward cases but more of the subtle kind which I am beginning to take note and can see some inflexibility in them. I learnt that when one grows up, we should have somewhat a fixed principled base in all of us, just like in Confucius. Maybe its the core that we should keep as fixed, because I feel that what determines a person is by his principles. Any others is variable.

Going forward, I don't actually know what I should do, where I should go next. Maybe I should just take small steps and not plan for the endings anymore. As for relationships, I don't know, the way she said was like "it's now or never" kind, really sianz sia....but I still stand by the fact that if I really cannot see myself with someone, I will not get along with that person cuz it won't do any of us any good. I feel maybe I should just keep on going with life but at the same time, try to make the small adjustments of being flexible and trying to take each step at a time bah.