Recently, I feel like I am pretty much like a paper floating with the wind. A lifeless, yet seem to be full of life object. An object that follows the wind(surroundings) direction, if the wind is super strong, the paper will bend and fold and unfold itself. Seems to be so full of life, yet at the same time, it seems that the paper has no will of its own.
I remember a phrase that says " In order to learn something, we have to unlearn things that we were taught". This phrase is not a phrase that is fully correct, well nothing is absolute in this world, ain't ? If it is, then naturally everything will happen as according to what it should be. However, we all live in our very own assumed worlds. We would expect certain things to be there, be it family members, loved ones, friends and even right down to our home. Lately, there has been a lot of things that I had expected, its not wrong, in fact sometimes it is right. However, I always question myself whether the expectations that I expected is due to a result of false expectations. Due to the events that I had passed through in life, the ups and downs of my 23 years in earth, I had a certain mindset and a subconscious way to how I would react in my life. Maybe its because I had been too afraid, afraid of the future, afraid that eventually I would end up like some of my uncles.
There had been many a times when I feel scared/frustrated/angry/irritated/self-pity for myself. I think back of the past, what kind of person I am, the kind I am now, yes there had been many changes. There were good and bad. On reflection, I feel that I have more bad habits as compared to the past. Yes, there are things such as being able to bounce back quicker after a bad fall, being more open to people, etc. However for every good thing, I think there is an increase of bad habits. I realise that I became more and more drifted away from my aims and I am beginning to feel like an aimless wanderer. I became very reliant on people, I wallow in self pity yet at the same time, I am in denial. I am no longer the person where I can forgive nor understand another's situation anymore, I feel that I am getting more petty. I care a lot more about myself and want to protect myself more. Looking back at the words I wrote, I said I was more open..but on hindsight, maybe I had became more closed as now I am always trying to avoid getting myself hurt. I feel that I had always expect a certain person in my life to be always there when I needed someone, but I guess thats pure selfishness on my part. Yes, that person had always been there, helped me, but I think there is no such thing as forever or rather every time. It may be in the past, but it definitely wont be in the future or the present. I guess I just got to let it go.
Maybe I had given up all hope in things that I had believed so so strongly in the past. Even right now, I am still blaming others in my mind. I want to blame everyone else except myself. I want to blame people who had not given me the due respect sometimes, blame people for not reciprocating when I had gave my all, blame the gods for not letting me what I want, though I feel that I had sacrificed a lot. Blame people for not supporting me, etc etc.
Life has just gotten too much complicated for me already. And its has nothing to do with the world, its just myself. Myself that had made the world's actions look like they were out to harm me. Actions that is always negative. And thats why I am going back to my roots. The period where I went back to the basics, to the time where I require minimal things.
I think there may be some things that I cant fully let go, as I am just way too afraid of what may happen. But, I will try.And for certain things or rather most things, I am going to forget it all, to unlearn it, so that I can try to start on a clean slate. Just like me changing my blogskin, if you realise, its pretty minimalist in nature. I am going to smile from now on, and this time it wont be just on my face. It will be from my heart and that I meant it. It has been far too long since I had the calming and peaceful feeling in my heart.
I am going to try to feel again, I guess I had not use my true feelings and my gut feeling for a period of time. I am not going to be afraid anymore, I will set things right.
Words dont mean anything, words are very easy to say. Actions are worth way much more.
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