ただいま

Do you believe that there is always 2 sides to every human being? It exists in so many forms as seen below.

1)Conscious and Subconscious

2)External Self and the True Self

3)Ego and the Soul

4)Rational Mind and the Irrational Self

5)Heart and the Brain

Recently while I was on the way sending Cat back home,I guess was like gossipping about this new girl on how she dont speak and had some errors caused in the equities team. So as I was talking about the incidents and while I was alighting the bus. I suddenly had this feeling that I am ready to leave BNP OPs. Its like akin to  when one is dying and says yes I am ready. Morbid, I know.I have nothing else for me here in BNP already, its like I can see myself leaving the place and no more "pain" remains for me.

Throughout my 5 years here, every year I had always whine,complaint and espouse that I want to go to the Front/Middle and to leave OPs. However, there always seems to be something that hold me back, somewhere inside me that says why not stay? It's easy and the welfare is awesome. And then the reasons that pops up to make me want to leave were like money,ambition and the uselessness of my degree. My friends were all so successful in their earnings and position and what about me ? Seeing RPC getting slowly degrading and eaten up by corporate cutting costs measures. Speaking of cut cost, even with the recent cutting measures, it still felt that I was not ready to leave. This time round after Finland, the first 4 days were torturous and I felt for the first time disgust when I am at work.

After meeting Cat last Friday Night, I suddenly felt at peace, like contentment. No more pulling and back, No more negative feelings towards my job, No more pain. Just acceptance. I suddenly see myself handing my resignation letter, thanking everyone and with a smile,departing from BNP and looking forward to my new job. No pain, No negativity. Just peaceful. Its like my 2 selves have merged and accepted each other again. My both selves are in sync again and we decided that it's time to leave. It had been so so long time since I last felt this peaceful, and it's something that's so treasured.

Of course, Straits Trading have not gotten back to me yet. I hoped that Manish and San San hadn't forgot or decided to not hire me already. But regardless of the outcome, I know that I will still leave this job soon. I have always been someone that have felt and follow his gut feelings and now my gut feeling is telling me that I will be leaving soon. I am grateful for this place, truly am, the tears and the learning opportunities and I will say the people. The people are definitely not the scheming kind( well, there wasn't much to scheme about anyways), so yeah it has a good environment here.

These few years I had always felt that I am not present. It's like I left a part of me somewhere and I am never present. Even when I was with Cat, I feel that a part of my soul is somewhere. Wishing that I am earning more money. Wishing that I was able to change job. Wishing that my future house will be awesome. Wishing that I am more capable. Thinking that life was lousy, life was boring. In Finland, I sent a postcard back to singapore and reminded myself to be present. I noticed that's something that I have been missing these few years.

Truly truly, I felt that my opposite self is back. Its like I open the door and with a smile I hug the other self that I had been missing all these years.

ただいま, Eugene.