For a while recently, I have this notion in my head. Which is that I am pretty much this traumatized adult was because of my upbringing when I was a child. When I was younger, whenever I made mistakes or do something naughty, the consequences were pretty dire. For example, as I was at Popo house most of my childhood, so when I do something wrong at Popo house, I will be scolded by Popo. Then later in the evening, if Small Uncle was at home, I will be scolded also if it's something bad then later when I go home I will be scolded again by my Mum. Sometimes, uncle won't say anything but you know lah...when you do the wrong thing then the vibe is pretty bad so you will feel disappointed also. Then at home it will be scolded and worse case is either kneel in front of Guan Yin or get caned lo.
As I grew older, there were rare times where I would dare to go against the norm or against my parents to do things that I want to do. Other than that, I will play it safe or consider all options and to reduce my risk. I do not dare to do a lot of risky things because I was afraid it will cause how people perceive me, or I would blame myself for making that decision. So I became someone who once has determined his comfort zone and things that make sense for me, I will not want to explore out or be open to new things that I find not able to comprehend. Even if my heart says to do it, I will still find many reasons why I should not do it and more often than not, I decided against it. Of course there were some instances where I was right though it only serves to further reinforce that thinking. I used to own that thinking that I am someone who thinks and evaluates every step that I make and that I am right with such a thinking. I don't think it's a wrong thing but as with everything in life, it would need to be balanced.
At the back of my head, I think I do blame my mum for me turning out this way, especially during my primary school days...secondary school was pretty much independent so I have no complaints about it. During the road trip back in December, there was a conversation about bringing kids with my Small Uncle and Small Auntie( awkward with my cousins around also), I said something about how it was scary being scolded so many times in a day. My Small Auntie said that well I did turn out well behaved and all. Though my Small Auntie don't believe in caning, but she definitely scold my cousins a lot and frankly, if they are sensitive as me, it will probably be akin to caning in my opinion. I thought of Jia Jia and other people that I know at my age whom are parents, everyone is trying to figure out to the best of their abilities at that point of time. Probably at that point of time, my parents are also. Balancing the career, finances and child rearing.
These past year or so, after quitting and being away from Singaporean Society, I feel that I am slowly picking up the pieces and fixing the various traumatizing aspects of my mental state and also knowing that a lot of things that happen in my life are ultimately my own decisions. From me feeling not connected to my friends, to not being fit, not being happy, career was not good and also blaming cat for some things in life, the cage that I had always thought that I was trapped in was due to everything that life or society or others that had placed on me.
Within the cage, there has always been a door. The door which was in front of me will never be open because I had felt that there is nothing that I could do and that I needed something or someone beyond that door to open for me and I will be saved. While in the cage, as I was waiting to be saved, I blame everything that was not going for me, blame cat for not understanding me,low-key blame my parents for me turning out this way, blame the job for being tough (which is actually to an extent but I let it affected my personal life). Ultimately, I blame the world(cat, friends and the society at large) for not understanding me but most importantly, for not saving me out of the cage that I was in. I would like to think that GK had tried to help during the really bad times but alas he was not able to open the door for me either.
And I had come to realize that I had always been a selfish guy, though my friends won't see it that way. Deep down, such actions and thoughts all just scream selfish. I psych myself to believe that I need to be saved by others or external forces.
In actual fact, the door in front of me has all along been a one way door, there was no knob on the outside. Hence no one was able to pull the door open and save me. The only way to escape the cage was for me to just push the door and I will be freed.
After all this time, in the end, I am my own salvation.
As I push the door ever slightly, my world became brighter and I felt a sense of optimism and warmth that I had not felt for some time. It is still a work in progress but I know I will be out soon.
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