Clearing out the mess a little at a time

 To say the start of 2022 would have been similar to the start of 2021, would have been a gross understatement. It is a total opposite of it to be honest. A start which is so messy, so confounding and an emotional roller coaster was not what I had envisioned to be honest. 

Shortly my first post of 2022, Popo had a stroke, it was a very bad one and caused her right side to be paralyzed. It was so sudden and I had just visited her on 8th January and the stroke happened on the 12th January. She was strong and managed to recover and there was hope that she can go back home but she will be bed-ridden and possibly make a partial recovery. Then all of a sudden, on 大年初二 of the Lunar New Year, she had a second stroke and a heart attack at the same time. Now both sides of her brain are affected and lose all abilities to sense and motor skills. She cannot open her eyes and only can move her mouth. Basically, she is like a soul trapped in her body which is no longer working well. The very thing that she was afraid of. I was hit hard by this incident, though knowing its old age and we cannot do anything about it but it was still hard. I was crying uncontrollably at various times of the day, I was depressed and felt that I just wanted to run away. 

Probably I will have another post dedicated to that but now I wanted to just address the other mess in my life. So y'all know that I had changed my job and the pay was much better, my bosses seem more concerned and check in more with me compared to my bosses back in BNP. My teammates are nice and can get along. So then, what's the problem you might ask? Frankly I don't really know. It's as if something is just not right. My gut feeling tells me that this is not something that I want to do. Not sure if it's the style of the job or was it I cannot let go thinking of it after office hours. I ended working later on a consistent basis as compared to BNP though I do get compensated. Or was it the fact that I work from home and that the communication on things is difficult due to it ?

Back in December, there were days where I dread turning up at work( online since I don't have to go to the office). Probably it was due to the coverage of funds for various other colleagues and the fact that I just winged it as it goes. I frankly do not know what I was doing , just each day doing what I could do , end work late, restart again. 

Was I happy ? Nope. Was it due to a change of environment? I am not sure, possibly? The fact is I do not know. I still believe that leaving BNP was the right choice given the stale environment and all. I had to leave. I do not know whether it's the whole pandemic thing, I did not have a chance to reset myself, no holidays , no break...I don't know. So all these just keep accumulating and what happened to Popo , just kinda broke the straw. I don't know what to do anymore. When Cat mentioned that her boss wants to send her overseas for secondment, I don't mind that. I can do a year of doing nothing but is that a wise choice ?I just wanted to not work anymore and to just be a house husband or something. Take care of Marly, do chores, cook dishes, and repair the house stuff. Anything except work.

As much as I wanted to do that, financially we could get by, but the practical side of me felt that a dual income is a safer option than a single income. And furthermore if Cat really gets the secondment overseas, I wanted to amass as much income as possible as it will hit our finances. 

This morning , I did the hike from King Albert Park all the way to Tanjong Pager area. A total of 3 hours, could have been faster but well my pace is slow. Along the way, I heard a chinese couple talking about research and companies, and I think they mention about Barclays. I quicken my pace a bit to be more kaypoh but eventually I tired out. So it kinda hit me. I still am very interested in probably banking and finance related stuff. Like trying to make sense of things. I am not sure what jobs are there to allow me to make sense of things but I do like it. So it dawned on me that I do not see a future for myself in this role. I don't think I should just quit or something but still do my best in it. 

I told Cat about it and to her she felt that this Investor Relations Administrator role does not like add value to anything and it's more like a customer service role. I don't disagree. It's true since the job title already mentions Investor Relations. When I said it aloud to Cat that I will just quit and join her overseas in her secondment because my gut felt that this is not a job that I am happy with. I don't really know the reason but I am just not happy with it. I felt a sense of relief washed over me. It's like this is it. I just had to accept that I guess. 

The next mess for me to sort out is my mental well being.

For the past 3 months, every time a setback or things that don't go my way, my mood just drops. Every morning I wake up and then I just dread the time to turn on the laptop to start work. To me, I just take each day as it comes. While I was hiking along the rail corridor, I was thinking how to do a run/jog or hike without feeling the pressure of rushing back home. Like I saw that got people doing their morning exercise today and then trying to make it back home or before a meeting. Maybe the reason why I feel like dread is because I always feel that I am rushing to do my chores so that I can make it by 9am. 

Also, I have a lot of thoughts that tend to flood my mind and eventually lead me to not be present. Tomorrow, I shall try to wake up earlier , do some meditation/yoga and write down my thoughts maybe. Today I woke up early at 6.45 am to wash up and prepare for the hike from King Albert Park to Tanjong Pager. Hopefully, this will help to clear my head and re-focus on what I have to do. So to get back the control over my internal self and then I can have the clarity to handle/acknowledge that I am unable to control the external things. 

A New Year-Year 3 of the Pandemic

 And another year just went passed, it felt significant yet insignificant. Fleeting yet Lasting. There were changes yet it felt like nothing had changed. It's such a strange year indeed. A year of contradictions. Its like a step forward but yet there is a step back. Haha but just maybe the step forward is a few centimetres more than the step back, so nett is still a step forward. 

It has been quite some time since I have the opportunity or a time window to be huddle up in a random coffee shop at Millenia Walk typing this post out with a large cup of flat white at my side. Ever since the pandemic, I don't believe I ever had time out doing this. Random thought, I always end up at Millenia Walk when the weather is super wet and cold which it is this New Year 2022 Weekend. 

Today I am typing this out on a brand new Acer Spin 713 Chromebook unlike the old Acer Chromebook 11. Changed device but still a chromebook. See what I meant by Changes but yet it felt the same. Well bigger screen and heavier weight , oks so there is still some change. Haha. 

The past year I had left the banking industry, something that I thought I would never do because it has always been an industry that I wanted to make a mark in. Strangely, after 8 years in the industry, I decided to leave it. Frankly, I kinda felt that I have some kind of unfinished business with it and that I want to go back into Private Banking or Wealth Management , not necessarily a Front Office role but definitely not a Back Office role. 

Just a few days ago, had a chat with Cat that I felt that by quitting BNP and doing something else, my current self is someone whom I felt will have done a lot better in my old role. It's like a friend of ours had said earlier during a meet up " Sometimes all you need is a breath of fresh air". Here at Citco, a lot of times I had to improvise, adjust and maybe had to step up a bit as compared to BNP where I used to hide behind Kok Whee's back a lot and let him do more of the work while I just do those that I am comfortable with. These days, I do not have such a luxury as I am expected to take care of my own funds and if people are not around, had to cover for them even though I have no clue what is happening with that fund.

Earlier in december, somehow or rather, I end up with being a lot of cover for people and my own funds began to be more troublesome, I ended up working later and hence ended up more anxious, higher blood pressure and start to feel really bad mentally. I was not sure if the workload is normal, or I am just too inefficient or its too much. I just take each day as it is until I don't even want a weekday to come because it's too tiring. Cat also start to feel that I work too late and most of the time it's also me not wanting to let things go. 

It was only until the 3rd week of December where the people whom I covered came back and the management pull me out of a huge fund which I was shadowing my counterpart from Philippines, that I felt for the first time in a long while that I was able to breathe. Like a more relaxed rate, without the tightness around my chest kind. It's only then I realised that maybe I was a little burn out and had taken too much on my plate. I shared this with my superiors at the end of december and they recognised that I had indeed taken a lot on my plate considering I only do my funds at mid September onwards. 

I don't have any issues with my superiors and generally I felt everyone is oks and good to work with. Of course with a bigger team, there are bound to be a bit of team politics and stuff. But overall, if I need help, people will help so I am appreciative of that. Having said that, until now, I am still having issues trying to understand my boss and trying to work with her. On the flip side, they seem to agree that I had performed to their expectations and I think it's a good thing. After my time at BNP, I realised that I do need some form of appreciation kind like once in a while let me know I am doing oks or well. It kinda helps me to feel valued which I don't seem to get from BNP. 

There were a few times during december busy period where I question myself. Like is this job suited for me, is it something I want? If fact I thought should I even be working even. Recently Cat's boss wanted to recommend her to go to New York office or rather overseas posting as it will help with her career. But its a 1 year to a 1.5 year posting so technically with a new job, I don't expect to be able to take No Pay Leave or an overseas transfer to CITCO NY office. The most logical thing to do for me is to quit and don't work for a year or so as I wanted to follow her overseas. And that thought was actually tempting for me. It's like a break that I wanted, like a long long break. Whether I really need it, I do not know. I might just only need a 3 week holiday rather than a year long of not working. 

I like the break in routine when I travel, when I plan things around my own intended pace. Do things and see things I never seen and to experience the wide wide world out there. It took a pandemic to make me realise the yearly trips my Mum insisted that we as a Family should always do. Our Fengshui Master had suggested it previously as she says the luck always changes when one goes overseas and come back. But I would like to believe it helps my parents mentally and for us kids to just be exposed to the world. Like, be it a short Malacca trip or a long Europe trip, it is still a change of environment and pace.

Like today, time away from Cat and Marly, listening to J-Pop and typing this post out, helps me to breath better and just empty my brain. It really helps me to calm me down typing all these out. I know that I will have to be home by a certain time but the seconds and minutes before that time, it's up to my own pace. WIthin my own control.

Well, until the waitress just told me they closing in 10 minutes time.

Am I just asking too much or this is really what I need?

 Yesterday, Cat said that I was visibly much happier when I was at the living room, with my laptop open and just watching about indie stories about Japanese Individuals living in Japan outdoors. I felt that I was not dreading for the 9 am start where I knew I had to dive deep down into my work and trying to keep on to pace with everyone else. I mean don't get me wrong, I don't think the environment is toxic or anything but its more of like being at home does give one the feeling that you are pretty much on your own and trying to figure things out. Citco even had given me a small pay adjustment even though its only been 3 months since I last joined the company. Wasn't expecting that. 

Coupled with that both cat and me had to find time for lunch together amidst seemingly tight work schedules and meetings. Or rather each day, as our work are more flexible these days, I kinda missed the fixed boring schedules of 1 pm lunch time with Leric and Lawrence...I mean its boring but it's a constant. Nowadays, we have Marly in the mix. Yeap. I finally relented and allow Cat to own a puppy, though there goes our honeymoon funds, not say we can travel anytime soon also. Have to see how this VTL and once our borders are open, how are we going to acclimatised to this new normal.

Guess I am digressing a little bit. 2020 has been a year of getting used to marriage life and yet at the same time, being to be lock down on this island with most places being inaccessible as compared to the past. At the same time, working at BNP had started to get change a little with the equity dealers moving in and me not being able to have Kok Whee around for most of the time. Weekends have become more of a monotone affairs, either Gaming, Netflix, Nintendo Switch, YouTube Travel Vlogs and small hikes around the neighbourhood. Just pretty much the same.

Then 2021 arrived, bonus letter came and go, did have my pay raise answered but still felt that it was not what I had hoped for. Ask for promotion, Albert said need to do extra and gave me a project to automate sending emails out to Front Office, which eventually took me 6 months and finally manage to get it done...just before I left. Ended up most of the time staying until 9pm at work, doing ad hoc requests from management yet want me to carry on with BAU, going for meetings where I also had to place orders from Front Office. Juggling so many stuffs while still being only an Analyst, just serve to piss me off even further. So eventually left BNP, joined Citco which I don't really have much of an expectation. I just wanted to leave so that I can carry on moving with my career and not stuck in one place. I don't really have any intention to stay in Citco for long as well but just to see how it goes. New job and a New Family Member. Change of lifestyles. 

It has not been easy because most of the time I am kinda like on my own and felt that I should pick things up as fast as possible because I felt that Jia Ning who is also new and young seems to be doing a good job. Considering I am 1 of the oldest there, I thought I should be doing better and faster. Alas, like any new job, especially when you are working from home, everything slows down because of lags as well as the difficulties in trying to teach someone without being by their side and seeing the screen. I actually felt bad about calling supervisors to ask them to show me how is done and what to do. Ultimately, I ended work frequently around 7.30pm Well its not that bad as much as BNP where I will need 1 hour to come back home which essentially means a late dinner and less time with Cat. Plus now I need to monitor and cater to Marly's needs as well. So it kinda feels like its a lack of control of my time, like you know the truly "me" time. 

I guess maybe all along i don't feel that I had carve out any "Me Time" for myself these past 2 years hence my mood is kinda bad I guess? Its like being free from all the commitments, sometimes even in the mind I will still be bothered about things. 

Back to the first part where cat said that I am visibly happier on the morning when I dont have to work, I guess because it is at my pace, i don't have to rush to do this or that or be worried whether I can finish my work on time. Its like life at my own pace. Do my coffee, seat down and rub Marly and watch the Japanese landscape video. Sometimes I wonder whether am I just asking too much or this is really what I need...

Finally an ending of a Chapter. And the start of a new Chapter.

 Frankly after the day out with GK yesterday, I realise that I have let go a lot of my negative emotions and negative thoughts about BNP and the state of the bank when I left them. I probably suffered a minor burnout as compared to GK who have to resort to seeing a counsellor for help. 

Up till 2020, I would say that my role at Fund Execution had been chill and relax. With most of the difficult and KYC documents, I leave to Kok Whee to handle. And both of us can leave at 6 pm. Of course, I am slightly disturbed about not getting my promotion after the 5th year or so, but I reasoned that I probably gave off a slack vibe and hence management felt that there is no need for me to have it. Granted at the end of 2020, I wanted to an increase in pay and Albert did give it to me even though the environment was not great either due to the pandemic.

Increasingly, deep down I began to feel that I am not getting the recognition, the development and to a certain extent, the remuneration that I deserved. Coupled with the late nights, the increasing workload and the inefficiencies caused by the migration of the support to cheaper countries, it eventually lead me in a downward spiral to burnout and maybe a little depression.

I had thought that it might be a new environment or maybe its a new lifestyle that I had to adjust after marriage that kinda cause some rifts with my Cat. In hindsight, my sub conscious might have already been impacted and that the negative emotions have start to spill over into my daily life. Its ironic to a certain extent that in the past, I had always warn myself to not let my work problems flow back to my daily life. I guess with the increasing WFH and the pandemic lockdowns that happen here and there, my late nights and the fact that I was unable to offload or share my burdens to Kok Whee or my other colleagues lead to me offloading on to Cat. 

I was not happy because I am unable to have the support at work, be it by the back office or by supervisor and the increasing demands of the Front. Being stuck in the middle of the Front and the Back, having to be involved in meetings which management deemed that they need my experience and yet at the same time, they don't want to give the recognition in terms of promotion or pay. I agree that my role was not the most specialised and frankly, it's not difficult to do once one gets up to speed with it and the products knowledge starts to build up. I just cannot get passed the fact that the whole private bank execution is only run by 2 staff and yet it always felt that we are pushed to one side and be expect to be counted without any recognition. Then with no space for further growth , it of course leads me to think what am I truly doing here. Its like a cage being trapped with no way to go. Naturally, when the offer comes from Citco, it makes it so much easier to take it with the higher pay as well. 

It does feel like it was a sinking ship kind of feeling being in Ops during this period of time where we are always fighting fires here and there. Of course, a company as big as BNP will never truly sink. Probably, they will be able to find someone able to come in and fix the holes or at least patch it until the next best candidate take over. Of course, there is a small possibility that the ship may sink and that they will exit Singapore. Frankly, I don't see that as the market here is growing and it will be stupid for them to ignore. 

It was not easy saying the goodbyes with the relationships that I had forged with so many people in the organisation. Not least the relationships I had built with the Front Office and surprisingly, the group of people that I eventually get to enjoy working with. Even with the dealers like Eddie and Ivan whom in the past, I didn't really like to have any dealings with during my time in settlements, somehow it felt like a closure given by the Universe. Due to this pandemic, I was able to be in the same room as Eddie,Ivan and Dave, who couldn't have been nicer and friendly to talk to and have much needed positivity in the room. 

Being in operations most of the time, the general feel is that the Front always demands a lot from the Ops and that we are always getting pushed. Then when I moved to Execution which is kind of Middle-Back, things gets better. So to me, it had felt so hypocritical of people from the Front. However, after spending a greater number of years in Execution and seeing new Front Office join and building new relationships with them, the Front became the group that gave me the recognition and the joy that I am helping people. 

Recently, a MA had shared an article about 6 things that showed why you should leave a role. Turns out that I had hit all 6 pointers of the article. Its really that bad after all. It may be that all these bad stuffs are just happening in my head, but even so, its still a good enough reason for me to quit BNP. Sometimes all one need is just a change of environment to find back myself. 

Mentally this pandemic had enact a toll on all of us , whether its a small impact or a significant one, it also just brings up all the inefficiencies and the problems that we had swept under the rug, Its like a huge wind came and all the dust were push out of the rug under it.

It is kinda sad that I were to leave in such circumstances. From another perspective, it takes all these shit to finally push me out of BNP. Something that I have to take note of when I leave Citco, and to have the courage to go if I really have to. In a way, these shitty experience is also a learning experience for me to take along and ingest. Also for me, to find back myself, to find joy in things that I probably take for granted pre pandemic and to really appreciate the things that I usually find joy in.

To Inspire, To Contribute, To be the Difference, To live a mark on this World.

 Growing old and dying is what gives meaning and beauty to the fleeting span of a human life. It's precisely because we age and die that our lives have value and nobility. Strength is not a word that means much in regard to the flesh.

This week I am on leave and I decided to watch Demon Slayer: Mugen Train which was a continuation of the anime that I had watched on Netflix previously. It is a great anime; worthy to be those anime that had made an impact on my life. The quote was by the Flame Hashira, Kyojuro Rengoku who made that remark to the demon Akara. There were other quotes made by him to Tanjiro as well, like as he is the senior in the Demon Slayer Corps hence he has the duty to protect his juniors. Even at the cost of his life. 

Recently I have been doing a lot of thinking on what exactly are our purposes in this world. I like that idea that one day I would like to pass on my values and things that I had learnt to the next generation. At the very least, some of the values that I have taken aboard and mold into my personality. I have read many books and watched shows and anime. From these, I have also learnt many values from them. 

Ever since young, I have always struggled with finding the value of a human life. None of people who are closed to me are able to give me an answer that connected with me. There were times where some movies or anime quotes manage to move me, maybe it's because it's not my time to receive the lesson. Until today. 

The above quote is a great example on why we as humans do not have immortality even though I am sure we as a race, will always go searching for it. It is normal to die. We will go back to wherever we come from, be it the great cycle of the universe or the afterlife. There will be a time where our light will be off. Because we are not immortal, our lives have value as it is exhaustive. Every breath we take, every second the clock ticks, we are closer to the end of our time on this world. 

To Inspire, To Contribute, To be the Difference, To live a mark on this World. 

Right now, the present me have not much to offer to the next generation. I want to be able to pass down things that I have learnt and believed to the next generation. I know that I am not strong enough yet like Tanjiro when he realised that he cannot help Rengoku. For far too long, I have been mucking around, spending time wallow in my own incapability. 

"Stand tall and be proud. No matter how weak or unworthy you feel keep your heart burning, grit your teeth and move forward. If you just curl up in a ball and hide, time will pass you by. It won't stop for you while you wallow in your grief."

Like in the second sentence of the quote, I have been known to do that even though I have been hearing similar quotes for a long time. It is very easy to do that, to keep replaying things in my head over and over again. Eventually times passes me by. Like the first sentence, as long as my heart is beating and there is a will to live, bear the pain and keep moving forward. Until the time where you know you did everything and have done what you wanted in this life. Death ultimately is also a choice. 

To achieve the quote in Purple, I have to change. I have the capability to change, to learn and absorb these teachings into my character, my values so that one day I can passed it forward. To be an example, the shining beacon for my sons, my daughters and whoever who come after me to carry with them and then for them to passed down to their successors. To be an educator for the next generation. 

Big Changes.

 Phew. Another year. But an unprecedented year indeed. Got married. Have my own place. Additional family. A Global pandemic. No Honeymoon. No twice a year travels. Not meeting the 9 dragons enough. No longer parents helping to manage the house. Don't see my parents often. Have my own desktop PC. 

Big Changes indeed this year.

Up til as recent as yesterday, I had not really gotten used to this new life yet. I kinda get it now why some people teared up during their weddings especially the ladies. Its a life away from the comfort zone, our parents, our loved ones who we are used to see, to disturb, to play with every day. The household chores which always seems that as kids we are not used to always doing. The time taken for home cooked food, to wash, to prepare and to cook. Of course, the freedom to choose what to do with the time one has, means also greater freedom. 

At the same time, one has to take into account someone's else dreams and ideas of the future. Also, the future feels a bit more uncertain because every adult decision being made will have an impact on both our lives. It feels a bit empowering as it feels intimidating. 

After these few days of leave, hanging out with my parents at MBS on Monday, listening to Master Lynn on future predictions and just not thinking about work, I felt a lot more at ease. I probably will not be able to be like in the past where I can be more selfish and do things on my own without much thought. There will be changes to be made and new responsibilities being placed on myself as I get older. When the kids arrived, or even a dog arrived, it will be another round of re-adjustments again to both of our lives. Hopefully by then, I will be more prepared and mentally more grounded to handle it. 

Weathering with You

It has been such a long time since I last watch a movie by myself, I reckon it has already been 11 years. Previously got a girl set in the same role as me . Unfortunately, this time is a guy. Haha. What to do, its an anime movie. It's good...in a way, I chose the very centre seat so it feels that I have this ultra huge screen and awesome surround sounds around me. Well including a couple behind who was quite noisy. But can tell that they are otakus also haha.

This was the next film after the successful movie " Your Name " by Director Makoto Shinkai. I would say that this time round, the storyline wasn't as awesome as "Your Name", but the effects and the art were awesome and very on point. I noticed it at the beginning when even a drop of water, the climbling of metal steps to cement steps all sound differnt. The various thunder sounds were also very on point. I remembered that in "Your Name", i teared but over here I wasn't that much affected. Can't say for the couple behind though. This time round, the movie was pretty direct and not as thought provoking as "Your Name".

I think "Your Name" was about what one's action will have a cause and effect on the future. Whereas in "Weathering with You", one'e action does not have much impact because ultimately either Nature or the various actions of society has a greater impact than yours. in WwY, it feels like what society's perceives of you is not important, because you are truly not that important in a world where everyone made their own decision and that it will generate a totally random result. In a way, this movie is to show to us that we don't have to place the world's burden on our own shoulders. It is perfectly alright to wish for our own desire. At the end of the day, it is what we truly want that matters the most. In a way, like the female lead in the anime, she had always just wished for others and always make the decisions that are deemed truly virtuous by society. Only for her to make the ultimate sacrifice that she thought( and every movie goer would think as well) so to save the whole humanity from the non stop rain. Eventually, she made her last wish for her self and the way sinks back to non stop rain.

Fast foward 3 years, was their decision the wrong one ? The whole tokyo is now flooded and the rain was still non stop. The male lead met a grandma who wanted to have sunlight 2 years back but now its already 3 years in the future, she has also gotten used to where she stays now. She made a remark that in the past, tokyo was truly a bay and that over the years a string of decisions by humans and the weather shaped it into the city that it is today. So she have accepted it and in a way, also accept that its nature reverting to her original form. So in the end, humans adapted to it and it didn't matter whether the female lead gave her life or not. Even though the weather didn't change, but for the male and female leads, they are together and that's what was important to them.