This might not even make it to be published. But, I have to say that it does strangely feel that I am trying to be nostalgic about the old Manchester United and that this channel helps in relieving all those years again. Of course, the tantalizing parts are those that are not reported widely and that the truth from the players all help.
I guess in a way, it kinda reminds me of what being a leader is , or maybe being a man is . If I were to be backed in the Army, I would probably be labelled as a pussy, literally. Everything also scared, everything also worried about. Sometimes all anyone need to is basically just to kick on.
I believed that I probably had said it before. Having a blog is like a time travel device, it's the only way for our past selves to reach out to the future selves. To show them what had happened and to tell their future selves that you are still pretty much alive and that these are what you had went through before and survived it.
It has been many years since I last blogged fervently. The last year with like high double digit was in 2013 where it's the year I went through a break up with Adeline. closed off the side of me still hanging on to Zhenni and when I got together with Cat. Mega Year eh.
It's that kind of year where I would say it's life changing. I ended up broken and I had to pick the pieces up and piece them back by myself. Reading those old entries, just kind of reminds me how broken I was. Do things I am not proud of and just be this angry, self pitied and victimized spirit because of how my relationship with Adeline went wrong.
And then I closed off a chapter with Zhenni, it's like to be accountable to a side of myself. Not the proudest thing I have done but at that time I felt it was needed. Then of course, I got together with Cat and now we are married.
It's interesting that that year was how I went from being a broken spirit, one who had thought that will not be with anyone and then to getting together with Cat and 6 years later we are married.
It kind of bring back some memories, feelings and the experiences that I had went through, the highs and the lows of my past 2 decades of living on this planet. Made me feel a little more confident, a little more alive and a little of "How the f*** did I survive that ?". Also, it's not like my life is a blank canvas.
I think the past 3 years of my married life, I guess I have this feeling. Like my life is a blank canvas, I don't really remember much except that because of covid, both of us work from home and me being unhappy at work and also us having quarrels which I thought was normal but now I think it's more of like there was an issue. And then Marly came along so spent time to care for her. Then it was also the work that took up lots of time which can be explained partly that I kept OT because of my inability to let go and also my way of working. Probably that explains why I don't blog so much. Basically it's that I stop doing things that I was accustomed to do or things that I enjoyed. Never thought that blogging is essential so I didn't put in the time to do so. In the end, I guess things snowballed and it just spilled over to all aspects of my life.
Before I knew it, I was back to being that broken spirit in 2013 and being someone with masks again. As compared to then, I think I am a little wiser now. I know why I react in a certain manner and why when I implode , it's like a meltdown and coupled with Popo passing. Everything just ...I guess you can say it's a perfect storm.
So when Cat and my family members feel that I should start working or studying, given my character I don't like to be rushed. It is also probably because I knew that I am broken and that I needed to be fixed before I can go on to other things. Maybe I can do it concurrently , I don't know. But I know I need to be back to my usual self or true self. One thing for sure is that I can't really multi task or embark on 2 different projects at a time.
I need to be working on something then move on to others. At the same time, I need to figure out how to not be broken again but of course, I think it will happen again. It's normal eh ?
Then I know that my ever time Traveller journal here will come back and remind me of the vivid life that I have and will have in the future. Just so to remind myself that your life is not determined by what is going on now and that just like everything else in life. All shall come to pass and that be it good and bad, time will equalize everything.
Ever since I have taken notice of my own thoughts and the decisions I made since I was 12, I have been a notoriously over-thinker throughout my life. There had been some people who feedback that I tend to overthink a lot of things until it's kinda excessive and there are some people who will say that I am meticulous as I consider a lot of situations and are ready for them.
I believe that by covering all ground then whatever is thrown up, I will be more than able to handle it as there is a plan for it. Of course, as I grew older then I realize that no one can plan for all situations especially when it comes to dealing with humans at large. So, my favourite way is to take a leaf out of a financial theory which I learnt in University. The Arbitrage Factor Model Theory, where one can allocate a specific risk factor to various situations and leave the rest to be a Epsilon which encompasses the risk that we can't quantify. This help me to focus only on the risks that I can control and leave the rest to fate. Though having said that, I tend to have more than a few situations that play out in my head and so I try to cover and run through various situations. So, yeah over-think.
Recently, I came to realise that some of my Overthink had been due to issues with Anxiety which stems from me being a HSP. From Young I had always thought that by being able to predict all forms of potential situations will allow me to make the best decision forward, but maybe it's not always the case.
I noted that whenever I made the best decisions ( in hindsight mind you) , are usually when I don't cover all scenarios. I mean I do still think about possible outcomes but I won't go and dwell and try ways to counter every one of them. And, it's usually when I am calm and just serene. You know, it's like when you are comfortable with it. I don't like it when people rush me into making a call or it's due to any other form of pressure. Though I know time is of an essence and I may be over thinking that's why I take so long to decide, so maybe I also need to find a solution to this.
Whenever I tried to think and cover all grounds, my heart rate races and I became very focus on finding solutions for all the possible outcomes and will just keep going on until I am tired or that I am satisfied that I have done my best already. Even so, I will still have a nagging feel about it and will not be truly rid of the feeling until the scenario have passed.
Feels like it all boils down to one word. Anxiety.
Happy May the 4th or should I Say Happy Star Wars Day ( May the fourth be with you, get it ? )
Today is the 3rd business day where I am part of the unemployment rate of the world. There's still a tinge of strangeness in that. The past 3 days have been rather slow moving (in a good way). Usually, mornings I will drive Cat to work and then drop her off and then head to Coles for groceries shopping. Then once at home, will just chill until lunch time. Once after lunch time, will be the start of things that I should be doing.
The 1st day was Washing Tofu, our Toyota Corolla hatchback; yeap I named the car after getting inspired from Initial D.
The 2nd day went all the way to Chatswood( further North of Sydney City) which is the unofficial Chinatown in the area where Asian stuff is cheaper. Haircuts here are like north of 20 AUD so went all the way there. Managed to get one at 18 AUD by a China lady. Lol
Yesterday was introduced by the Youtube algorithm on the topic of Highly Sensitive People( first video below). From there I kept watching under videos and also chanced upon another video during a Mental Health Workshop organized by Google for their employees.
This categorization allows me to explain a lot of the traits that I showed and why I always had been moody and depressed over the recent few years. And in a way why before 2019, I was more 稳 .
I had always thought that I was like slightly neurotic or when I had taken the Personality test where I was categorized as ISFJ which are like 10% of the population and that I am highly empathetic and have a heightened level of self awareness then others. I also thought of myself as someone who is highly emotional and that I should always try to suppress it. Like you know, I am the rare few numbers of the Human population and I struggle to find anyone who understand me. I don't really know anyone else who is a HSP within my circle of friends but I do have friends whom just let me be and listen to me whenever I am emotionally overloaded ( peeps like GK, Hui Min and Sam). Yeah, still not a lot.
Truly it is very comforting when one realizes that it is not really my own fault for being emotional or that I am not supposed to be so sensitive to things. For the past 3 years , things have happened and so many changes in my life such that I eventually broke down like mentally and emotionally. I didn't realize that I needed self care and this self care cannot be done by anyone except thy self ( that's why it's called self-care, dummy)
It just make me feel comfortable that I don't have any weird mental disorder or that I am bi-polar or something. And that I am not alone in this world and being a HSP, I am being valued in this world. I know that Cat doesn't like the idea of being shoehorned into something like a personality category because everyone is unique and if everyone can be quantifiable then what's the value in them. To me, on the contrary, I believe that these categorizations help one to better understand themselves and provide an explanation to themselves. From there, it is how one makes use of the strengths and understands their weakness so to carry on living and being of value to the world.
Some of my arguments and mood change was due to some strong words that Cat uses and expresses herself. Me, being always running away from conflicts, hated it. I understand that not all conflict is bad and there are times I can handle conflict but if at that point of time, I am already triggered then I will just be in a bad mood. Sometimes very direct words are used and I will be hugely impacted by it and sometimes I will be affected for days. I remember things for years if some instances are deeply impressionable on my consciousness. Phrases that are usually thrown at me by people around me are like
" You should be less emotional"
"Just let it go"
"You cannot handle pressure"
"You are too slow and take too long to decide"
"Why do you cry so easily? Boys don't cry"
These phrases irked me and the worst thing is that following these phrases, I noticed the facial expression, the tonality of the voice and the way the eyes looked. And I immediately felt a very strong level of emotions such as Disgust, Irritation, Unhappiness and Nonchalance. Followed by a huge amount of Guilt and Anger why people do not understand me. Eventually, it became an infinite loop until I took the time off to think it all through before I could let it go. Most of the time, I did not have the time nor did I set aside for myself to do it. What started from a small paper ball led to a huge rock and eventually I cannot handle it anymore.
I think not all the traits apply to me but I would say 80% of it does and a lot of things I had experienced or actions I did kinda made sense now. I still have other things to clear out in my mental list of things I want to tackle but I am glad that I chance upon this ( or was it Google algo being stalkerish again 🤔).
In anycase, I will be posting more posts on HSPs and hopefully I can clear out a lot of my mental backlogs and maybe help other HSPs if I ever bump into them because in this world, the majority not necessarily will understand the minority. And for HSPs, it is so easy to get overrun by the emotions and then once it crosses that particular threshold, there may be no turning back for them.
Leaving the videos for whoever is interested. Probably not many will read this anyways. So it will be more for my reference in the future.
It feels like been quite some time since I last post a birthday post on this blog. But , well going forward I will probably spend a lot of time on this blog because of the more time I have on my hands now. So, good news for Sam if you are reading this ! haha PS: When you mention you still got read, I was quite surprised and happy.
This is my current view while I am waiting for Cat to end work as EY and Citco Office is near the Opera House. If you had catch the words above, you will probably guess that I had left my job at Citco. It has been kind of a mixed bag for me during my stint with the company. I loved the people and management at the company but the learning curve and some of the clients were tough. Will missed the guys at work but I think the more scary thing is the fact that I will be for the first time ever. Unemployed. Is this the right move? I don't know. Is it scary ? yeah it is. After a decade of working , 8 to 10 hours of your daily routine is entrenched in work. All of a sudden, these hours are return back to you, what does one do with them ? Will I be able to get back into the workforce ? Lots of thoughts flow through my mind.
I remember the last day at BNP. It was also somewhat similar, my last few conversations were with the person replacing me, me letting them know that they will be ok and saying my goodbyes to the team. Also, thinking whether did I made the right decision ? Some say I will miss BNP because of the lack of politics. Some say go out and come back so to command a higher pay. In the end, the lack of progression got to me and a lot of colleagues I used to work with plus the fact that the company moved ops to India just convinced me to leave.
Joining Citco, I had zero expectations, I knew that I won't stay longer than 2 years here because I just want to get out of the shithole that BNP had start to dig themselves into. Little did I expect my first 3 months taking on Investor Relations with the funds that I was allocated to be a bit complicated with clients who are slightly more demanding. Coupled with my obvious lack of Fund Administration, it is tough and eventually lead to a lot of OT and basically trying to change my mindset 180 degrees. It caused quite a bit of tension between me and Cat because of the OT and my character of trying to complete everything before I logged off. So it hasn't been a happy time working from home. After a year, things have improved a bit but still not too happy. Popo passing also impacted me quite a bit, I became easily depressed and not able to control my emotions. I started to break down often and Cat isn't really quite the most empathetic person , so it starts to just eat me up.
My bosses and managers all keep telling me that I am doing well but I felt that I was not and that I keep thinking What's the future being in Investor Relations ? What does being in this role value add? Will it be sunset just like ops ?
The team is much younger than I had work with back in BNP and being a much smaller organisation, a lot of the red tape was not there and the management encourage open discussion. There was not like an age hierarchy and it's good that they are willing to teach and I was willing to learn. So it opened up my horizon about working outside of a big corporation and away from all the niceties email that one must adhere to in a bank. Of course the downsides are there are no guides around here and you have to start asking random people from other departments, eating humble pie and just hope that what they teach you is correct.
It's a huge change from BNP but it was a good one. It was a good experience that I had not envisioned it to be.
So compared to BNP, why I had to leave Citco, it's because for some reason having this job in my life is not really working out for me. I don't really know why also , but it's just not helping that's all. Wrong timing? Wrong Job? or maybe it's because I WFH too much with Cat? maybe it's just an accumulation of things ? lack of time for myself?
Looking back , leaving BNP was right, I was getting depressed n just daily pissed off. In Citco, I was not happy and it affected me and Cat. I used to think that quitting like its the end of the world. Quitting without a job is like the stupidest thing anyone can do. Some of my colleagues don't understand why I want to quit or rather why I would a reject a job at Citco Sydney Office. Maybe I wasn't thinking right? I don't know...but I felt that if I don't relieve myself from this job, I am just kicking the can down the road and eventually I would never get out of the loop. That scares me and since Cat got this opportunity here in Sydney, it kinda worked out for me I guessed.
One thing leaving BNP definitely taught me is that the world is truly a lot bigger and I should have left to explore it earlier. After all these years, I believe that there's a place and time for everything. It might be I needed to stay in BNP for that long so that I have the experience , the stability to get married and go on to the next stage of adulting. With that experience , it gave me a foundation to explore something new in Citco. It's always a hindsight thing isn't ?
What had been surreal before, have now taken place. I am able to work overseas without being in the office. It's kinda strange if you tell me 5 years ago, being a junior level I will be able to do this. Furthermore, being in a bank, being away from the office just sounds unheard of. Working means being in the office and overseas means its being on a holiday.
Also, remote desktop means that it is possible to work on your own computer and not on the company issued laptop, so it's definitely a huge opener and such a change of technology that have happen as we grow older.
Now I am serving my quarantine in Dorsett Hotel at Wanchai. We are visiting cat's grandparents and relatives and as per the latest quarantine, we will have to be in hotel for 3 days before switching to 4 day home quarantine where I will be staying with cat and her aunt's place.
Being in quarantine, without much stuff to do and other things that distract, it's probably a good time to just blog and log whatever thoughts in my head. It's definitely been a long time coming I reckon. So I thought maybe I should do this while waiting for dinner to be sent to the door.
So, recently I have finally gotten my promotion and the pay increment was surprising and that somehow I had hit the salary milestone that I had always wanted. To be 50% of Cat's salary, but of course there is no bonus included so maybe it's not that high also. Hey, at least the basic salary is now at the level that I had always wanted. Though once I go to Australia with Cat due to her being seconded there, then maybe when I am back, I am unable to command such a salary already. Not sure if they will allow me to work in Sydney while still on Singapore payroll because technically I am on a different timezone and I will not ever be in office for a good 1.5 year.
Like what I had spoken with wei ren earlier, till now I still have no clue on what to study there and of course there is this scary aspect of relocating and australia being notoriously racist and all. From my earlier posts, you can probably tell that I wanted to go because of the late hours I have been putting in and also stress and all of trying to understand the IR role and performing on my job. Also, as the company set up and the style of the job is different from how a bank is , where its very structured and fixed, here being more laissez faire than at BNP, there were undoubtedly more stress and pressures. These days with the volume dying down and I have gotten more experience in my role, it felt a lot better and I tend to work pretty much on time. With more time to spend with cat and marly, to cook more and other things to tend to. Mentally I also felt more resilient and happier as compared to the december to february period of the year. Heck even June was bad , though I had gone to Norway, but I was never truly relaxed. Came back and was thrown into the deep end of handling a new fund which resulted in June and July being the months where I had worked the longest ever.
I believed it was only the beginning of september where I had a more or less breathable and more substantial period of normal working hours. Truly it's a lot better.
To say the start of 2022 would have been similar to the start of 2021, would have been a gross understatement. It is a total opposite of it to be honest. A start which is so messy, so confounding and an emotional roller coaster was not what I had envisioned to be honest.
Shortly my first post of 2022, Popo had a stroke, it was a very bad one and caused her right side to be paralyzed. It was so sudden and I had just visited her on 8th January and the stroke happened on the 12th January. She was strong and managed to recover and there was hope that she can go back home but she will be bed-ridden and possibly make a partial recovery. Then all of a sudden, on 大年初二 of the Lunar New Year, she had a second stroke and a heart attack at the same time. Now both sides of her brain are affected and lose all abilities to sense and motor skills. She cannot open her eyes and only can move her mouth. Basically, she is like a soul trapped in her body which is no longer working well. The very thing that she was afraid of. I was hit hard by this incident, though knowing its old age and we cannot do anything about it but it was still hard. I was crying uncontrollably at various times of the day, I was depressed and felt that I just wanted to run away.
Probably I will have another post dedicated to that but now I wanted to just address the other mess in my life. So y'all know that I had changed my job and the pay was much better, my bosses seem more concerned and check in more with me compared to my bosses back in BNP. My teammates are nice and can get along. So then, what's the problem you might ask? Frankly I don't really know. It's as if something is just not right. My gut feeling tells me that this is not something that I want to do. Not sure if it's the style of the job or was it I cannot let go thinking of it after office hours. I ended working later on a consistent basis as compared to BNP though I do get compensated. Or was it the fact that I work from home and that the communication on things is difficult due to it ?
Back in December, there were days where I dread turning up at work( online since I don't have to go to the office). Probably it was due to the coverage of funds for various other colleagues and the fact that I just winged it as it goes. I frankly do not know what I was doing , just each day doing what I could do , end work late, restart again.
Was I happy ? Nope. Was it due to a change of environment? I am not sure, possibly? The fact is I do not know. I still believe that leaving BNP was the right choice given the stale environment and all. I had to leave. I do not know whether it's the whole pandemic thing, I did not have a chance to reset myself, no holidays , no break...I don't know. So all these just keep accumulating and what happened to Popo , just kinda broke the straw. I don't know what to do anymore. When Cat mentioned that her boss wants to send her overseas for secondment, I don't mind that. I can do a year of doing nothing but is that a wise choice ?I just wanted to not work anymore and to just be a house husband or something. Take care of Marly, do chores, cook dishes, and repair the house stuff. Anything except work.
As much as I wanted to do that, financially we could get by, but the practical side of me felt that a dual income is a safer option than a single income. And furthermore if Cat really gets the secondment overseas, I wanted to amass as much income as possible as it will hit our finances.
This morning , I did the hike from King Albert Park all the way to Tanjong Pager area. A total of 3 hours, could have been faster but well my pace is slow. Along the way, I heard a chinese couple talking about research and companies, and I think they mention about Barclays. I quicken my pace a bit to be more kaypoh but eventually I tired out. So it kinda hit me. I still am very interested in probably banking and finance related stuff. Like trying to make sense of things. I am not sure what jobs are there to allow me to make sense of things but I do like it. So it dawned on me that I do not see a future for myself in this role. I don't think I should just quit or something but still do my best in it.
I told Cat about it and to her she felt that this Investor Relations Administrator role does not like add value to anything and it's more like a customer service role. I don't disagree. It's true since the job title already mentions Investor Relations. When I said it aloud to Cat that I will just quit and join her overseas in her secondment because my gut felt that this is not a job that I am happy with. I don't really know the reason but I am just not happy with it. I felt a sense of relief washed over me. It's like this is it. I just had to accept that I guess.
The next mess for me to sort out is my mental well being.
For the past 3 months, every time a setback or things that don't go my way, my mood just drops. Every morning I wake up and then I just dread the time to turn on the laptop to start work. To me, I just take each day as it comes. While I was hiking along the rail corridor, I was thinking how to do a run/jog or hike without feeling the pressure of rushing back home. Like I saw that got people doing their morning exercise today and then trying to make it back home or before a meeting. Maybe the reason why I feel like dread is because I always feel that I am rushing to do my chores so that I can make it by 9am.
Also, I have a lot of thoughts that tend to flood my mind and eventually lead me to not be present. Tomorrow, I shall try to wake up earlier , do some meditation/yoga and write down my thoughts maybe. Today I woke up early at 6.45 am to wash up and prepare for the hike from King Albert Park to Tanjong Pager. Hopefully, this will help to clear my head and re-focus on what I have to do. So to get back the control over my internal self and then I can have the clarity to handle/acknowledge that I am unable to control the external things.
