Dropping the weights so that I can fly

Supposed to be blogging once every week as part of my mental wellness checklist so that I can clear the stuffs lingering in my head and just basically journal things in here. It's like a form of decluttering. Well apparently last week I failed le..lol..as I didn't manage to journal an entry. In any case, sometimes there isn't anything right. 

Anyways, today as usual was playing Youtube music while I was hanging clothes and then the AI code decided to play songs from Chinese music shows where they bring back the 2000s singers and sing their old hits. Stop for a pause,listen and watched the emo MVs. 

It brings back memories and nostalgia where I find solace in the sad music especially the Chinese songs. It brings back the feelings and emotions I went through while I was young. Like sometimes I will imagine myself to be the protagonist in the MVs and that life is so melancholic and things like that. At the same time, at the end of the song, some songs end with a positive note and I will console myself that things will get better. 

Some songs brought some feelings that when I was younger that the future will be so bright and good and that things will always work out in the end. Now the older me feels that at the end somehow all those love songs and things like this don't really matter much these days to me. It's as if those past feelings were inconsequential. 

Maybe for the past years or so, I hadn't been living life intentionally or should I say being myself. I think I had been like auto pilot, like doing things that seems to be the right thing to do or that my moral codes feel obligated to. In a way , I cease to be alive in my own soul and exist as an empty shell. Probably that's why I feel that the past years had been lost to me. I kinda lost my career direction, lost what's like to love Cat, lost the reason why I wake up every morning and basically in a bare minimum survival mode day after day. 

Recently my Mum found a new Fengshui Master as she is moving house soon and our current FS Master is gonna retire soon. So my Mum shared the YouTube channel of the new master and got me to check him out and see if he is alright. So watched a video that he done up on the Dragon for the year 2023 and that he mentioned that this year Dragon should always smile and laugh regardless of what happens.

He also mentioned that Dragon should lose 3 things in their life this year for it to get better. He mention its not like material things but more like 3 mindset/lifestyle/habits. Well, moving here to Sydney is one of them. I guess being unemployed is probably another one. The last one I had been thinking for some time and I think it might be some of the old values that I inexplicably hold myself to. 

Like how I see things in life, how I react to and how I held things/emotions for a very long time. Probably I should learn from Marly and it's good to have STM haha. 

I guess this year should be another change mindset/reset year. 

Once was in NS when after a few years I then decided to let go of my desire of being together with Sam and instead to be her friend that will always try to be there for her whenever she needs me till the end of time. 

Second time I think was my break up with Adeline amidst the year when I was looking for a job. I decided to let go of my idea of needing to be with someone even though the relationship was definitely not right for me at that time. Also to not let go of my dream of working for a bank at that time. Coincidentally, that year was also the year I got together with Cat and I got my job at BNP. 

Hopefully, this year will also be that reset year for me. The year where I change so that I can live the best version of myself. 

Giving thanks and moving on

You know sometimes over your life, you will have moments where you feel that you know a concept but you only truly understand it at a much later time of your life. For example, when I was 18 , I read about Rich Dad Poor Dad and decided that Investing monies is the way to go in life. Think about it, put money into the right investments and let it passively grow. Sounds awesome to my 18 year old and I became very big on buying equities and I subscribe to Fundamental Investing because it's less volatile as compared to Trading. 

Very early on, I knew that Fundamentals growth rate is really slow and one does need a lot of capital to truly see the benefits and the gains ( if you are right). Over the next few years, I focus on investing and reading on stuffs about it. Macro, Market psychology etc etc. But at the same time, I only set aside a very small amount of capital to invest in due to a low salary or maybe because I like to spend on material items. So I focus on my investment skills and not so much about career skills all this while. So reading those financial vloggers/bloggers, they also mention the same theme...which is to grow your salaries before doing investment. However, I went the other way.

I guess over the past decade or so of investing, I would think my returns were decent (XIRR at 7.89% as of today) so its not bad..in % terms. However in absolute terms, its er not so great ain't ? It's kinda like that the saying " At the end of the day, it's the result that matters". So good % but when looking at the absolute, it's nothing to shout about. 

When I think back, maybe I was being naive as I wanted to believe that my way works for me and that's why I decided to just focus on investing and not look at career skills. Of course, there is some kind of regret because of what was I thinking previously to make that call and lost the most precious commodity that we all have, which is TIME. 

The past me would probably beat my current self up ( and I still do feel that side of me bubbling below in me now as I am typing this). Just read about a phrase from an investment book(Mastering The Market Cycle by Howard Marks) earlier "...success carries within itself the seeds of failure, and failure the seeds of success." So it's probably the universe wanted me to figure out this now and not later or earlier.

So to myself, it is alright for you to figure this out now and that it is ok to make the mistake that you did earlier in your life. So give a pat on your back and it's great that you finally understand this notion and you can move on to the right way that you should be moving. 

Goh Keng Swee: A Portrait

This book was super random and it was because of the 2023 Presidential Election which of course we all know who won. During the build up of the 2023 PE, CNA started to run a series of videos of what/why/how the Nation's Reserves came to fruition and the duties of the elected presidency. One wonders the timing of those videos.

In any case, it was informative and quite engaging docu-series. Goh Keng Swee was brought up as he was the guy who thought of GIC and well basically the guy who pretty much lay the foundation and literally set Singapore up to be the country she is today. 

Decided to read this book on him and it is not really like an auto-biography per se, more of a short on depth of this guy's history and what he did. He seemingly also uses his economics background to solve and approach various issues at the various positions he held. Practical is the word that many describe him. 

Probably he is the few people who uses economics practically and not as a fixed doctrine, the studies that he had commissioned would be probably know as behavioural economics in today's terms. Which I buy into a lot as compared to pure data economics which some people strong believe in.

Data will not lie but its the interpretation of the Data that can be misconstrued. 

 

Quality Music Transcends Languages; It's about the Vibe

So I had been listening to this Youtube Channel for some time where Artistes only have 1 shot at singing a song so there are no retakes and the place where it takes place is all white. So it is only just the Artist's voice and the band's instruments.

The microphone that was used to record is also unbelievably clear and the Artist's emotion really shine through. Of course not all the videos are great as sometimes the direction with the song was different from the OG and there were some Artistes with small mistakes. Generally, the better the Singer the nice the song turns out.  

Sometimes Cat don't get it when I like to listen to Korean and Japanese Songs when I don't speak or understand the language. In all actually, even Mandarin songs I also don't fully get to hear and understand all the words haha. To me, it's all about the vibe I guess, the clarity and the tonality of the music that really speaks to me. It's like when a certain key or note is played, then get my emotions flowing. The icing on the cake will be the lyrics that match the songs.

I think most people like songs that they understand with the lyrics and all. To me, good music definitely can change the vibe , uplift spirits and connect people together. 

 

Updates

Suppose to be blogging more frequent since am unemployed but boy does time flies( have to start tracking what I do on a day to day basis like what Sam says).

Since left my job in end of April, probably went through an adjustment phase in May and also took the time to complete The Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom. It is truly a masterpiece, never have I played a game that I would say its 10/10. Has great storyline and side quests and the best thing is that there is no 1 fixed way to solve any of the puzzles and that includes the main storyline.

Usually I don't really finish most games like Pokemon Arceus to name a few. Though I did complete the Monster Hunter Series Main storyline but it was like never like a fully complete. So for TotK, it really feel like it and the music that accompanies the story was fantastic. Truly the best game till date. So this game took up most of May and June.

July and August is probably something that I started to do other things like scheduling 2 times exercise per day and also been watching on investment videos and also picking up a bit more baking skills( I can do pretzel and scones now=))

Of which, End of June and End of August was when I was more busy because the in-laws ( in End of June) and army friends (in End of August) came down under so I had to spend time with them so I wasn't doing much reading and exercising then. 

I guess this post is more about an update and not too much on my inner thoughts which I still tend to contend with. Will come to that another time. 

Nolstagia

 www.youtube.com/@TheOverlap    

This might not even make it to be published. But, I have to say that it does strangely feel that I am trying to be nostalgic about the old Manchester United and that this channel helps in relieving all those years again. Of course, the tantalizing parts are those that are not reported widely and that the truth from the players all help. 

I guess in a way, it kinda reminds me of what being a leader is , or maybe being a man is . If I were to be backed in the Army, I would probably be labelled as a pussy, literally. Everything also scared, everything also worried about. Sometimes all anyone need to is basically just to kick on. 

What meant to be a short one became a long one.

 I believed that I probably had said it before. Having a blog is like a time travel device, it's the only way for our past selves to reach out to the future selves. To show them what had happened and to tell their future selves that you are still pretty much alive and that these are what you had went through before and survived it. 

It has been many years since I last blogged fervently. The last year with like high double digit was in 2013 where it's the year I went through a break up with Adeline. closed off the side of me still hanging on to Zhenni and when I got together with Cat. Mega Year eh. 

It's that kind of year where  I would say it's life changing. I ended up broken and I had to pick the pieces up and piece them back by myself. Reading those old entries, just kind of reminds me how broken I was. Do things I am not proud of and just be this angry, self pitied and victimized spirit because of how my relationship with Adeline went wrong. 

And then I closed off a chapter with Zhenni, it's like to be accountable to a side of myself. Not the proudest thing I have done but at that time I felt it was needed. Then of course, I got together with Cat and now we are married. 

It's interesting that that year was how I went from being a broken spirit, one who had thought that will not be with anyone and then to getting together with Cat and 6 years later we are married. 

It kind of bring back some memories, feelings and the experiences that I had went through, the highs and the lows of my past 2 decades of living on this planet. Made me feel a little more confident, a little more alive and a little of "How the f*** did I survive that ?". Also, it's not like my life is a blank canvas. 

I think the past 3 years of my married life, I guess I have this feeling. Like my life is a blank canvas, I don't really remember much except that because of covid, both of us work from home and me being unhappy at work and also us having quarrels which I thought was normal but now I think it's more of like there was an issue. And then Marly came along so spent time to care for her. Then it was also the work that took up lots of time which can be explained partly that I kept OT because of my inability to let go and also my way of working. Probably that explains why I don't blog so much. Basically it's that I stop doing things that I was accustomed to do or things that I enjoyed. Never thought that blogging is essential so I didn't put in the time to do so. In the end, I guess things snowballed and it just spilled over to all aspects of my life. 

Before I knew it, I was back to being that broken spirit in 2013 and being someone with masks again. As compared to then, I think I am a little wiser now. I know why I react in a certain manner and why when I implode , it's like a meltdown and coupled with Popo passing. Everything just ...I guess you can say it's a perfect storm. 

So when Cat and my family members feel that I should start working or studying, given my character I don't like to be rushed. It is also probably because I knew that I am broken and that I needed to be fixed before I can go on to other things. Maybe I can do it concurrently , I don't know. But I know I need to be back to my usual self or true self. One thing for sure is that I can't really multi task or embark on 2 different projects at a time. 

I need to be working on something then move on to others. At the same time, I need to figure out how to not be broken again but of course, I think it will happen again. It's normal eh ? 

Then I know that my ever time Traveller journal here will come back and remind me of the vivid life that I have and will have in the future. Just so to remind myself that your life is not determined by what is going on now and that just like everything else in life. All shall come to pass and that be it good and bad, time will equalize everything.