Went to wait for adeline cuz she OT from work today. Wanted to bring her out to eat, cuz she dont usually eat when she OTs. But she said that her mum cooked already, and that she dont feel like eating out. So i sent her home. Along the way back home, she whatsapp me something that meant for someone else. Said she felt bad for not following me out to eat and having me just send her home. Den she realised her mistake and asked whether she was bad in doing so. Told her not her fault, since I wanted to see her, so technically its really not her fault.
To tell you the truth, initially I was kinda happy for the reason that finally I made an impact that she talks about me to someone. But later on, den again I thought that feeling bad could also means " not interested in you, but you do all these kind of things for me, but i m feeling bad cuz i am unable to reciprocate it" kind of thinking. On the bright note, I kinda know where I stands now. Though it seems that it is still a huge distance from my desired goal. All along maybe I was trying too hard and try to accelerate things. I guess its time to slow it down a little and try to learn abit more about her and try to get her to open herself to me.
For some reason, I dont really want to just give up, even though after some female advice, and some other thinkings, things does seems pretty bleak. But, maybe I am in berserker mode or something, but until she really wants me to stop or if she reject me in the face, I will just soak up anything she throws at me and I will just keep trying. It might have been the exams spillover effect where I dont want to just give up and I keep ploughing through, seriously, I dont really know how all this will turn up.
Ytd, I was in a moody mood cuz was thinking about this situation. I was afraid that if I were to keep on doing this, I will re-enter the phase where I like someone so much that I ended up in self denial over things and eventually it cause me immense hurt and pain. I am afraid that if I were to whole heartedly put my heart out there, eventually it gonna be broken again. But the inner me, keeps telling me to press on. I thought of a lot of things, the quotes, phrases I have read over time. I rmbr something like "unless you put your heart and soul into something, things will never happen the way you want it to." and "even if the expedition fails, at least you tried and you have the knowledge that its not gonna happen, rather than living with the unknown result"...this kinds of stuff.
So today, kinda woke up and decided to make a commitment to this cause. Which is until the day I am so tired by it or she rejects me in the face, I am still going to try and keep trying. But of course, taking into consideration of the situation lah, if she finds me irritating , den gotta stop. I know very well that things may not turn up as I would expect and there is a chance I am gonna be emo for some time, but like I said, I don't feel like letting go this easily. But then again there maybe another one comes along and got me interested...lolz
No comments:
Post a Comment