Being Grateful..Even for the Little Things

Someone told me that being in a relationship really opens your eyes and causes one to re-evaluate your previously conceived thoughts about ideals in your relationship. Especially for me with no prior experience, its a really steep learning curve. And in a way, I do myself no favours with being with someone who is completely different from me. Through it, I also learn a lot of things and my way of thought that is detrimental to a person's life as well as mental being. Yes, emotions are there, and yes, there will always be boundaries that will be crossed and disappointments will happen. For the past month, I have been a very emotional and negative creature. She did reminded me that we are still trying out as a couple and thats the reason why she don't want to be open to many people. Initially, I was gutted for a minute, but then a sense of calmness took over. Maybe because now I know, its confirm in a way, my insecurities that was never solved way back when we started.

Being negativity has its drawbacks, as it blinded me to a lot of things and her character. Its very easy to switch to the dark side, and think negative things. Its only reading The Secret when I realise that actually its really not that bad. There is this very thin curtain that separates the dark and the light. And once you realise that, its really easy from there on. There are a lot of encouraging things that had happen between us and though we are trying, but there are feelings between us and that we both are trying in our own ways to make it work. So, rather then cooped up and mopped around, by focusing thoughts on working it out and making it as a good and happy thing, things will turn out as what the universe or I want it to be.

And maybe had me and Sam last time, both had been more proactive in our dealings with each other, then we wouldn't have taken the long route to today...but I think its our thoughts that we will make it work and the universe help us in achieving it. I used to always just give up and don't bother, letting the other party choose, and me being negative and all...its not a good thing to do.

Today, change my thoughts in a way, to be more positive and things happen off in a good way and that it will happened. Even if it never happened, but least I smiled. Actually, once you are grateful for things in life, your world kinda brightens up, I have no idea why..but it just did.

Maybe thats why the christians always say things like, I thank you for bread and the wine...and stuff like this. By being grateful, you will see things in a different light and well...good stuff happens. All gloom and tiredness is lifted...I am grateful that I am together with her, grateful to have someone to hold hands with and the opportunity to see the many different sides of her and the emotional roller-coaster ride she puts me to.

Everything in life happens for a reason, be it you see it in a negative or positive way, even as I typed this entry now, it happened because I read the book and I want to share with you all. Like every book or article that pass through my life, they were placed in my hands for a reason...by some unknown force. My life was saved by one, and hence, I am grateful for that. Humans are very absent minded beings, whenever things are going well, they tend to forget the things that had served them well, only to blame on things that don't really matter. Its all about rediscovery every day I guess.

Books..A source of knowledge and healing

I am always a proponent of books. Books are amazing, quint and yet informative tools that humans ever have. Before we have all our tvs,pcs and Macs, knowledge was passed down generations through books. Although nowadays we have blogs,e-books, way way easier option of storing memories and knowledge, I guess books still have a special place in my heart. I can spend a day just reading a book and be amazed by it, and its content. Ideally, will be in a cafe with a cup of coffee and a good read.

Books provide one with the imagination, the various stories of people's lives and the forever underlying moral messages that the author is trying to get across. Oh, and lets not forget the academic and technical knowledge in them as well.

Personally, I am a sucker for self help books and books that connect with the soul. From Mitch albom to Nicholas Sparks and Paolo Coelho. Of cuz, my favourite all time, J.R.R Tolkien who have open my eyes to the world of Middle Earth with his books of LOTR, Similarillion and the Hobbit. Middle Earth is like to me what Star Wars is for the "jedi legion"..lol

Recently, read the Alchemist and The Secret. Two very powerful and popular books in today's world of self rediscovery books. I don't really know of any much of my friends who are into them like me and zhenni, because we 2 are people whom always look at ourselves. Every book that I read have meanings, though they are not easily observable. However, it is always there and these books have guided me throughout my life and I believe strongly in cultivating the soul. Being happy and clear minded in this otherwise sometimes complex world.

The alchemist taught me about listening to your inner soul, the destiny that one has, and once you are of one mind,body and soul, nothing is impossible. It is a kind of fiction story unlike the other non fiction spiritual ones that Paolo has. It is steep in the teachings of christianity in it.

The secret has a much less godly feel to it, but rather attribute 'god' to the universe, to some unseen power that resides in all of us, each of us have the power to do something, to be the change of this world. And it all starts with the power of thoughts, interestingly this notion seems to have a piece in a lot of stuff that I read. From Buddhism to Confucianism. So, maybe thats truly the secret of this universe.

Past happenings

The below post was written way back in November... Didn't want to put it up then but since stuff happens.. Might as well post lo

Yesterday, Adeline cooked maggi mee for me back at her place. And to say the truth, its really a super salty mixture of maggie mee. Sam, I take back what I said about your oreo chessecake...hers really top the chart. But, I am happy because she never cooks for anyone, not even for herself. And to tell you the truth, I was afraid she will burn down the kitchen.

Along the way back from korean lessons, I ask her a lot of things, about why she is afraid of being seen with me in town, why won't meet my friends, and a whole of questions and even on about the guy she is trying to forget. She reminded me that I told her that we will be trying and that I will accept that things won't be so fast. Honestly, my heart sank but at the least I know. Its beats better than I keep thinking about other things and expecting as usual. Maybe maine was right, one shouldnt start something which is just trying, maybe its because of what sam started with paul in the past, hence I allow it to happen. While walking back, I ask her whether I managed to give her the security she wants, I was thinking about what Sam told me that day. She said yes, and she says that she can't give me the security that I want. Like I said before, she is totally different from what I thought my ideal girl will be. Maybe thats why I am attracted to her.

Amazingly, I learnt that r/s is really not all that colourful and happily ever after. I know deep down that she has feelings for me, but until the day where she can totally accept me as her bf, this is not over. And after hearing that we are trying, makes me feel that I shouldn't even put my all into this at all. Then it makes me think of Sam r/s, in the past, she always says hers wont be a long one, look where it is now...Every relationship is really different, some is of dependence, some is on companionship, some is truly like an idol drama, some is one sided and some is of illogical reasoning.

To be with someone that doesn't know herself, someone that is in a way naive, someone that is in very much a princess mentality. Its sometimes tiring, yet at the same time I enjoy the feeling of caring for someone, though I am very sad that the same cant be the same for me. Someone that is such a contradict herself, really tiring.

Sometimes I feel that she is a ticking time bomb, so unpredictable, so insensitive and in a way, dangerously silent. At times, she can suddenly be so cheerful and cute and relys on me. Haha...sounds like I am dating someone that is like there to disturb to my otherwise peaceful life and steady moments. The reason I am hanging on is because of all the things she does for me at times, whenever I question myself, she always seem to come back and remind me how much I like her.The things that she do is forever small, no one will see. The way she holds my hand, the little things she do, the things that she says that seems trivial but it means a lot.

Its all this things that reminds me of her, even though she says its trying period, but through out all of this, it really open up my eyes and heart to so many things. To listen to the small signs, to let go of past ideals, to accept so many things and at the same time, to manage someone a bit. To be angry at someone, to be hurt when someone hurts me, to protect someone, to let someone go,to change and suit her lifestyle a little.

Maybe we won't last long at all. I feel that one day either I will just give up, or she will find someone more interesting than me and someone that is more inclined with her. Then if its the case, why do I want to continue with her ? Because at least there is someone with me now and that I can be close with this person. For all we knw, pat was right and that she is just with me cuz I am the only guy that treats her right.

For the first time, I understand a lot of things and that r/s is not as nice as it seems. Expectations will never be the same as the other party. I am starting to realise that if I give 100%, the other party will only give 40%. It will never be an asymmetric graph.

So why do I still stay in this r/s ? if its so difficult and tough as I make it out to be, maybe its my own internal stubborness, the feeling that I just need to get past this stage and that there will be happy ending at the end. Maybe I just want to give this a shot and do my best and we shall see how. I always thought that she will be the one who end it, maybe she might, but as of now, I feels that maybe I might be the one instead. No, I don't want it to end, because I feel that I haven't gave it my all yet. I will sit this out, I will make sure it work.

At the very least now, I know the answers to my questions and that I no longer have any more doubts about that, I think the honeymoon period really over le, I don't have the urge to be REALLY be with her. Maybe I kinda give up on her having such a packed schedule and that I am of less priority, But to give up, I think it still sucks and I will regret it.

Sadly, sam and me are people who are different and think ahead of times, my friends are all those who are stable and think of the future and all. Whereas she is not, and that I have to protect her and be there for her. I think I can become someone of importance in her life, whether we will ultimately be together for the long run or not, it still remains to be seen. Just have to keep on fighting and belief in my self. Positive FTW!!...this won't be the last of my rollar coaster ride anws.

between us

As one gets ever deeper in a relationship, as well as time goes by. Differences are beginning to creep up and it gets ever apparent in many ways. You start to wonder whether this is right, whether what you should be doing or doing is the right thing to do, where is the initial courage and motivation for this in whole thing.

Actually, after some thinking, a relationship is between 2 people, so the dynamics of the r/s have to be set in the relationship. Whether one is willing to give up certain aspects to compromise, and the other one is willing to make time for the other so to appease the other half. Furthermore, the aspect on understanding each other, letting go off previous expectations and society norms. Really, letting go of everything. Its difficult, maybe for me being a rather principled person, or put it bluntly, a stubborn and hard to change person.

I think this is a time where Confucius words are more apt than ever. to let go , to give each other space, to take a step back and see beyond the shell. And my favourite quote of all, if you shed tears when you miss the sun, you will miss the stars.

Its pretty apt, with me being all negative and hopeful about the sun(things that I wanted,thought, expected), I actually missed out the stars( her observance,her efforts n she opening up a little to me).

A heart cannot be of 2 minds, when 2 minds, there is no progress. A stand has to be taken. Which is true as well. When I closed my eyes, and dig deep into my memories, going back to times where we opened our hearts/soul to each other. Even though its for the briefest moments, the times where she inadvertently blurted out things that I know in her heart that is the truth. Samantha is right, if I don't try to understand her lifestyle and her soul faster than I knw samantha, its going to be a disaster and things will start to break down. However at the same time, what others had said, input and all, take it with a pinch of salt and have faith in us. I think thats the most difficult thing for me, the ability to fully trust somebody. Even I don't fully trusted samantha, when trials and adversities hit us, I always waver and I almost did 11 months, and thats considering a friendship over 6 years. And thank god, sam was the patient kind and the kind that is proactive and she will always try to come back to me. I don't know whether adeline will do the same, I doubt so, if anything she will always go back or revert back to her old self. Sam shows a more resilience picture whereas Adeline isn't. Then in that case, I will have to speed up my own emotional process and find a common or a settled heart as soon as possible. Yes, I will still have to show my displeasure at things that she dont want to do, because I want her to understand that I have my own needs. In a way, I have to managed her emotions,my own and at the same time, I will also have to incorporate some of her lifestyle into mine.

I think I will inadvertently feel that that I am giving a lot as well as letting her dictate me. No, I don't think I will ever let that happened, I feel that I should have the control in this r/s, in any case, we have to make things work. So , to cede control to either side its not really an ideal solution. But in all relationships, each and every one is unique and that once together, it is all about a getting to know each other better and understand each other better, to let go of past prejudices and to embrace new ideas and communication.

I think most importantly is the feeling of trust. The feeling that I think she ultimately must give me, once my trust/security wavers, I will do clingy things and irrational things. On my part I will have to at my most stable, most confident self and the ability to know what I want from her and from this r/s.

Be it meeting friends, taking pics, being public and all, I got to learn that these are not of utmost importance. Yes, they are important but it needs time and I will have to give her that. But with an ultimatum. Its in a way really like fishing. to pull back and to cast further out. I will just have to give my best and enjoy this new companion in my life, instead of keep asking her and testing her loyalty or love for me.