Past happenings

The below post was written way back in November... Didn't want to put it up then but since stuff happens.. Might as well post lo

Yesterday, Adeline cooked maggi mee for me back at her place. And to say the truth, its really a super salty mixture of maggie mee. Sam, I take back what I said about your oreo chessecake...hers really top the chart. But, I am happy because she never cooks for anyone, not even for herself. And to tell you the truth, I was afraid she will burn down the kitchen.

Along the way back from korean lessons, I ask her a lot of things, about why she is afraid of being seen with me in town, why won't meet my friends, and a whole of questions and even on about the guy she is trying to forget. She reminded me that I told her that we will be trying and that I will accept that things won't be so fast. Honestly, my heart sank but at the least I know. Its beats better than I keep thinking about other things and expecting as usual. Maybe maine was right, one shouldnt start something which is just trying, maybe its because of what sam started with paul in the past, hence I allow it to happen. While walking back, I ask her whether I managed to give her the security she wants, I was thinking about what Sam told me that day. She said yes, and she says that she can't give me the security that I want. Like I said before, she is totally different from what I thought my ideal girl will be. Maybe thats why I am attracted to her.

Amazingly, I learnt that r/s is really not all that colourful and happily ever after. I know deep down that she has feelings for me, but until the day where she can totally accept me as her bf, this is not over. And after hearing that we are trying, makes me feel that I shouldn't even put my all into this at all. Then it makes me think of Sam r/s, in the past, she always says hers wont be a long one, look where it is now...Every relationship is really different, some is of dependence, some is on companionship, some is truly like an idol drama, some is one sided and some is of illogical reasoning.

To be with someone that doesn't know herself, someone that is in a way naive, someone that is in very much a princess mentality. Its sometimes tiring, yet at the same time I enjoy the feeling of caring for someone, though I am very sad that the same cant be the same for me. Someone that is such a contradict herself, really tiring.

Sometimes I feel that she is a ticking time bomb, so unpredictable, so insensitive and in a way, dangerously silent. At times, she can suddenly be so cheerful and cute and relys on me. Haha...sounds like I am dating someone that is like there to disturb to my otherwise peaceful life and steady moments. The reason I am hanging on is because of all the things she does for me at times, whenever I question myself, she always seem to come back and remind me how much I like her.The things that she do is forever small, no one will see. The way she holds my hand, the little things she do, the things that she says that seems trivial but it means a lot.

Its all this things that reminds me of her, even though she says its trying period, but through out all of this, it really open up my eyes and heart to so many things. To listen to the small signs, to let go of past ideals, to accept so many things and at the same time, to manage someone a bit. To be angry at someone, to be hurt when someone hurts me, to protect someone, to let someone go,to change and suit her lifestyle a little.

Maybe we won't last long at all. I feel that one day either I will just give up, or she will find someone more interesting than me and someone that is more inclined with her. Then if its the case, why do I want to continue with her ? Because at least there is someone with me now and that I can be close with this person. For all we knw, pat was right and that she is just with me cuz I am the only guy that treats her right.

For the first time, I understand a lot of things and that r/s is not as nice as it seems. Expectations will never be the same as the other party. I am starting to realise that if I give 100%, the other party will only give 40%. It will never be an asymmetric graph.

So why do I still stay in this r/s ? if its so difficult and tough as I make it out to be, maybe its my own internal stubborness, the feeling that I just need to get past this stage and that there will be happy ending at the end. Maybe I just want to give this a shot and do my best and we shall see how. I always thought that she will be the one who end it, maybe she might, but as of now, I feels that maybe I might be the one instead. No, I don't want it to end, because I feel that I haven't gave it my all yet. I will sit this out, I will make sure it work.

At the very least now, I know the answers to my questions and that I no longer have any more doubts about that, I think the honeymoon period really over le, I don't have the urge to be REALLY be with her. Maybe I kinda give up on her having such a packed schedule and that I am of less priority, But to give up, I think it still sucks and I will regret it.

Sadly, sam and me are people who are different and think ahead of times, my friends are all those who are stable and think of the future and all. Whereas she is not, and that I have to protect her and be there for her. I think I can become someone of importance in her life, whether we will ultimately be together for the long run or not, it still remains to be seen. Just have to keep on fighting and belief in my self. Positive FTW!!...this won't be the last of my rollar coaster ride anws.