Hey y'all, been sometime since the last post. Been and back from Canberra to collect my passport which requires me to drive 3.5 hours. But, hey it's for the world's most powerful passport so of course I will do it! haha oks actually I can get them to mail but I thought it wasn't that safe and besides, what better excuse to visit another territory in Down Under.
So recently, I have been watching quite a bit of productivity systems and more like Life Hacks quote unquote kind of videos on YouTube. Haven't really got much headway in a lot of things in life again. Now it is more like a slow kind of figuring out what I need to slowly do or include in my life. So I've been clearing out my online databases like Google Drive and Google Keep. Also, I've been back on Duolingo( looking to buck up my knowledge on Korean and Chinese) and also spend some time on keyboard typing skills. One of the YouTube videos mentioned that by learning to type accurately and fast, made sense in life as these days it's all digital Just realized that my typing is pretty bad( no wonder my primary school keyboard typing scores are so poor).
So yeah, its had not been anything exciting or life changing recently. Looking back at the old post, I think I would want to touch up on the part of Preconceived Notion but I think it will be in a future post.
Today I don't really have a direction on what this blogpost to be. I have quite a few thoughts and notions in my mind currently. Let's list it down below.
1) Preconceived Notions
2) Direction of Life
3) Self Limiting Thoughts
4) Being Uptight
Yesterday, went to pick Cat up from a god damn far client office...45km , literally from Changi to Tuas...lol. So at the same time also gave a ride to her colleague also. He is a 28 year old Argentinian of Italian descent and he had studied in Italy and also worked in EY Luxembourg and now is residing in Sydney for the past 18 months.
My first thought is wow he is truly a global citizen as he has lived in 3 different continents( Europe, South America and Oceania). When I mentioned that I used to work at a Hedge Funds Administration firm and now right now is taking a break from working here in Sydney. I don't feel any sense of judgement of this route that I am choosing to follow. Unlike the feelings that I received whenever I mention it to my Singaporean friends. Like the first thing people will assume is that I should be studying or maybe doing a barista course here. Basically not wasting my time here and doing nothing.
I guess it is probably the society which we stayed in that somehow propagates these thoughts. Singapore unfortunately does not have any resources or materials so end of the day as a society we will need to continue to evolve and change and always be on our toes. In another way to put it, we always have to be on an edge, to be efficient and in a way to be uptight. I get that and I recognize that as well. I will not be able to have such a life when I am back in SG. Financially it doesn't work out as well so it will be back to work when I am back.
Of course, I am not saying that I should be just nua and do nothing for the rest of my days. But more of like I want to do what I want to do and not probably a side of my mind which is influenced by society for such a long time that is leading me.
There is a part of my psyche where everything I do or rather most things , I always always consider the consequences from it. For example, I spent my whole day just watching anime, then I next felt guilty and think what I should be doing and what will others think. Following which, I will play out the scenarios in my head and think of the possible reactions to the various scenarios. Crazy right? So imagine that in a day I will possibly have some or a few of such thoughts and it really takes a lot of my energy up.
Going forward, hopefully I will be able to steel more part of my mind to avoid going down that route and to learn how to let things go, forgive myself and just have an open mind.
Supposed to be blogging once every week as part of my mental wellness checklist so that I can clear the stuffs lingering in my head and just basically journal things in here. It's like a form of decluttering. Well apparently last week I failed le..lol..as I didn't manage to journal an entry. In any case, sometimes there isn't anything right.
Anyways, today as usual was playing Youtube music while I was hanging clothes and then the AI code decided to play songs from Chinese music shows where they bring back the 2000s singers and sing their old hits. Stop for a pause,listen and watched the emo MVs.
It brings back memories and nostalgia where I find solace in the sad music especially the Chinese songs. It brings back the feelings and emotions I went through while I was young. Like sometimes I will imagine myself to be the protagonist in the MVs and that life is so melancholic and things like that. At the same time, at the end of the song, some songs end with a positive note and I will console myself that things will get better.
Some songs brought some feelings that when I was younger that the future will be so bright and good and that things will always work out in the end. Now the older me feels that at the end somehow all those love songs and things like this don't really matter much these days to me. It's as if those past feelings were inconsequential.
Maybe for the past years or so, I hadn't been living life intentionally or should I say being myself. I think I had been like auto pilot, like doing things that seems to be the right thing to do or that my moral codes feel obligated to. In a way , I cease to be alive in my own soul and exist as an empty shell. Probably that's why I feel that the past years had been lost to me. I kinda lost my career direction, lost what's like to love Cat, lost the reason why I wake up every morning and basically in a bare minimum survival mode day after day.
Recently my Mum found a new Fengshui Master as she is moving house soon and our current FS Master is gonna retire soon. So my Mum shared the YouTube channel of the new master and got me to check him out and see if he is alright. So watched a video that he done up on the Dragon for the year 2023 and that he mentioned that this year Dragon should always smile and laugh regardless of what happens.
He also mentioned that Dragon should lose 3 things in their life this year for it to get better. He mention its not like material things but more like 3 mindset/lifestyle/habits. Well, moving here to Sydney is one of them. I guess being unemployed is probably another one. The last one I had been thinking for some time and I think it might be some of the old values that I inexplicably hold myself to.
Like how I see things in life, how I react to and how I held things/emotions for a very long time. Probably I should learn from Marly and it's good to have STM haha.
I guess this year should be another change mindset/reset year.
Once was in NS when after a few years I then decided to let go of my desire of being together with Sam and instead to be her friend that will always try to be there for her whenever she needs me till the end of time.
Second time I think was my break up with Adeline amidst the year when I was looking for a job. I decided to let go of my idea of needing to be with someone even though the relationship was definitely not right for me at that time. Also to not let go of my dream of working for a bank at that time. Coincidentally, that year was also the year I got together with Cat and I got my job at BNP.
Hopefully, this year will also be that reset year for me. The year where I change so that I can live the best version of myself.
You know sometimes over your life, you will have moments where you feel that you know a concept but you only truly understand it at a much later time of your life. For example, when I was 18 , I read about Rich Dad Poor Dad and decided that Investing monies is the way to go in life. Think about it, put money into the right investments and let it passively grow. Sounds awesome to my 18 year old and I became very big on buying equities and I subscribe to Fundamental Investing because it's less volatile as compared to Trading.
Very early on, I knew that Fundamentals growth rate is really slow and one does need a lot of capital to truly see the benefits and the gains ( if you are right). Over the next few years, I focus on investing and reading on stuffs about it. Macro, Market psychology etc etc. But at the same time, I only set aside a very small amount of capital to invest in due to a low salary or maybe because I like to spend on material items. So I focus on my investment skills and not so much about career skills all this while. So reading those financial vloggers/bloggers, they also mention the same theme...which is to grow your salaries before doing investment. However, I went the other way.
I guess over the past decade or so of investing, I would think my returns were decent (XIRR at 7.89% as of today) so its not bad..in % terms. However in absolute terms, its er not so great ain't ? It's kinda like that the saying " At the end of the day, it's the result that matters". So good % but when looking at the absolute, it's nothing to shout about.
When I think back, maybe I was being naive as I wanted to believe that my way works for me and that's why I decided to just focus on investing and not look at career skills. Of course, there is some kind of regret because of what was I thinking previously to make that call and lost the most precious commodity that we all have, which is TIME.
The past me would probably beat my current self up ( and I still do feel that side of me bubbling below in me now as I am typing this). Just read about a phrase from an investment book(Mastering The Market Cycle by Howard Marks) earlier "...success carries within itself the seeds of failure, and failure the seeds of success." So it's probably the universe wanted me to figure out this now and not later or earlier.
So to myself, it is alright for you to figure this out now and that it is ok to make the mistake that you did earlier in your life. So give a pat on your back and it's great that you finally understand this notion and you can move on to the right way that you should be moving.
This book was super random and it was because of the 2023 Presidential Election which of course we all know who won. During the build up of the 2023 PE, CNA started to run a series of videos of what/why/how the Nation's Reserves came to fruition and the duties of the elected presidency. One wonders the timing of those videos.
In any case, it was informative and quite engaging docu-series. Goh Keng Swee was brought up as he was the guy who thought of GIC and well basically the guy who pretty much lay the foundation and literally set Singapore up to be the country she is today.
Decided to read this book on him and it is not really like an auto-biography per se, more of a short on depth of this guy's history and what he did. He seemingly also uses his economics background to solve and approach various issues at the various positions he held. Practical is the word that many describe him.
Probably he is the few people who uses economics practically and not as a fixed doctrine, the studies that he had commissioned would be probably know as behavioural economics in today's terms. Which I buy into a lot as compared to pure data economics which some people strong believe in.
Data will not lie but its the interpretation of the Data that can be misconstrued.
So I had been listening to this Youtube Channel for some time where Artistes only have 1 shot at singing a song so there are no retakes and the place where it takes place is all white. So it is only just the Artist's voice and the band's instruments.
The microphone that was used to record is also unbelievably clear and the Artist's emotion really shine through. Of course not all the videos are great as sometimes the direction with the song was different from the OG and there were some Artistes with small mistakes. Generally, the better the Singer the nice the song turns out.
Sometimes Cat don't get it when I like to listen to Korean and Japanese Songs when I don't speak or understand the language. In all actually, even Mandarin songs I also don't fully get to hear and understand all the words haha. To me, it's all about the vibe I guess, the clarity and the tonality of the music that really speaks to me. It's like when a certain key or note is played, then get my emotions flowing. The icing on the cake will be the lyrics that match the songs.
I think most people like songs that they understand with the lyrics and all. To me, good music definitely can change the vibe , uplift spirits and connect people together.
Suppose to be blogging more frequent since am unemployed but boy does time flies( have to start tracking what I do on a day to day basis like what Sam says).
Since left my job in end of April, probably went through an adjustment phase in May and also took the time to complete The Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom. It is truly a masterpiece, never have I played a game that I would say its 10/10. Has great storyline and side quests and the best thing is that there is no 1 fixed way to solve any of the puzzles and that includes the main storyline.
Usually I don't really finish most games like Pokemon Arceus to name a few. Though I did complete the Monster Hunter Series Main storyline but it was like never like a fully complete. So for TotK, it really feel like it and the music that accompanies the story was fantastic. Truly the best game till date. So this game took up most of May and June.
July and August is probably something that I started to do other things like scheduling 2 times exercise per day and also been watching on investment videos and also picking up a bit more baking skills( I can do pretzel and scones now=))
Of which, End of June and End of August was when I was more busy because the in-laws ( in End of June) and army friends (in End of August) came down under so I had to spend time with them so I wasn't doing much reading and exercising then.
I guess this post is more about an update and not too much on my inner thoughts which I still tend to contend with. Will come to that another time.
I believed that I probably had said it before. Having a blog is like a time travel device, it's the only way for our past selves to reach out to the future selves. To show them what had happened and to tell their future selves that you are still pretty much alive and that these are what you had went through before and survived it.
It has been many years since I last blogged fervently. The last year with like high double digit was in 2013 where it's the year I went through a break up with Adeline. closed off the side of me still hanging on to Zhenni and when I got together with Cat. Mega Year eh.
It's that kind of year where I would say it's life changing. I ended up broken and I had to pick the pieces up and piece them back by myself. Reading those old entries, just kind of reminds me how broken I was. Do things I am not proud of and just be this angry, self pitied and victimized spirit because of how my relationship with Adeline went wrong.
And then I closed off a chapter with Zhenni, it's like to be accountable to a side of myself. Not the proudest thing I have done but at that time I felt it was needed. Then of course, I got together with Cat and now we are married.
It's interesting that that year was how I went from being a broken spirit, one who had thought that will not be with anyone and then to getting together with Cat and 6 years later we are married.
It kind of bring back some memories, feelings and the experiences that I had went through, the highs and the lows of my past 2 decades of living on this planet. Made me feel a little more confident, a little more alive and a little of "How the f*** did I survive that ?". Also, it's not like my life is a blank canvas.
I think the past 3 years of my married life, I guess I have this feeling. Like my life is a blank canvas, I don't really remember much except that because of covid, both of us work from home and me being unhappy at work and also us having quarrels which I thought was normal but now I think it's more of like there was an issue. And then Marly came along so spent time to care for her. Then it was also the work that took up lots of time which can be explained partly that I kept OT because of my inability to let go and also my way of working. Probably that explains why I don't blog so much. Basically it's that I stop doing things that I was accustomed to do or things that I enjoyed. Never thought that blogging is essential so I didn't put in the time to do so. In the end, I guess things snowballed and it just spilled over to all aspects of my life.
Before I knew it, I was back to being that broken spirit in 2013 and being someone with masks again. As compared to then, I think I am a little wiser now. I know why I react in a certain manner and why when I implode , it's like a meltdown and coupled with Popo passing. Everything just ...I guess you can say it's a perfect storm.
So when Cat and my family members feel that I should start working or studying, given my character I don't like to be rushed. It is also probably because I knew that I am broken and that I needed to be fixed before I can go on to other things. Maybe I can do it concurrently , I don't know. But I know I need to be back to my usual self or true self. One thing for sure is that I can't really multi task or embark on 2 different projects at a time.
I need to be working on something then move on to others. At the same time, I need to figure out how to not be broken again but of course, I think it will happen again. It's normal eh ?
Then I know that my ever time Traveller journal here will come back and remind me of the vivid life that I have and will have in the future. Just so to remind myself that your life is not determined by what is going on now and that just like everything else in life. All shall come to pass and that be it good and bad, time will equalize everything.
Ever since I have taken notice of my own thoughts and the decisions I made since I was 12, I have been a notoriously over-thinker throughout my life. There had been some people who feedback that I tend to overthink a lot of things until it's kinda excessive and there are some people who will say that I am meticulous as I consider a lot of situations and are ready for them.
I believe that by covering all ground then whatever is thrown up, I will be more than able to handle it as there is a plan for it. Of course, as I grew older then I realize that no one can plan for all situations especially when it comes to dealing with humans at large. So, my favourite way is to take a leaf out of a financial theory which I learnt in University. The Arbitrage Factor Model Theory, where one can allocate a specific risk factor to various situations and leave the rest to be a Epsilon which encompasses the risk that we can't quantify. This help me to focus only on the risks that I can control and leave the rest to fate. Though having said that, I tend to have more than a few situations that play out in my head and so I try to cover and run through various situations. So, yeah over-think.
Recently, I came to realise that some of my Overthink had been due to issues with Anxiety which stems from me being a HSP. From Young I had always thought that by being able to predict all forms of potential situations will allow me to make the best decision forward, but maybe it's not always the case.
I noted that whenever I made the best decisions ( in hindsight mind you) , are usually when I don't cover all scenarios. I mean I do still think about possible outcomes but I won't go and dwell and try ways to counter every one of them. And, it's usually when I am calm and just serene. You know, it's like when you are comfortable with it. I don't like it when people rush me into making a call or it's due to any other form of pressure. Though I know time is of an essence and I may be over thinking that's why I take so long to decide, so maybe I also need to find a solution to this.
Whenever I tried to think and cover all grounds, my heart rate races and I became very focus on finding solutions for all the possible outcomes and will just keep going on until I am tired or that I am satisfied that I have done my best already. Even so, I will still have a nagging feel about it and will not be truly rid of the feeling until the scenario have passed.
Feels like it all boils down to one word. Anxiety.
Happy May the 4th or should I Say Happy Star Wars Day ( May the fourth be with you, get it ? )
Today is the 3rd business day where I am part of the unemployment rate of the world. There's still a tinge of strangeness in that. The past 3 days have been rather slow moving (in a good way). Usually, mornings I will drive Cat to work and then drop her off and then head to Coles for groceries shopping. Then once at home, will just chill until lunch time. Once after lunch time, will be the start of things that I should be doing.
The 1st day was Washing Tofu, our Toyota Corolla hatchback; yeap I named the car after getting inspired from Initial D.
The 2nd day went all the way to Chatswood( further North of Sydney City) which is the unofficial Chinatown in the area where Asian stuff is cheaper. Haircuts here are like north of 20 AUD so went all the way there. Managed to get one at 18 AUD by a China lady. Lol
Yesterday was introduced by the Youtube algorithm on the topic of Highly Sensitive People( first video below). From there I kept watching under videos and also chanced upon another video during a Mental Health Workshop organized by Google for their employees.
This categorization allows me to explain a lot of the traits that I showed and why I always had been moody and depressed over the recent few years. And in a way why before 2019, I was more 稳 .
I had always thought that I was like slightly neurotic or when I had taken the Personality test where I was categorized as ISFJ which are like 10% of the population and that I am highly empathetic and have a heightened level of self awareness then others. I also thought of myself as someone who is highly emotional and that I should always try to suppress it. Like you know, I am the rare few numbers of the Human population and I struggle to find anyone who understand me. I don't really know anyone else who is a HSP within my circle of friends but I do have friends whom just let me be and listen to me whenever I am emotionally overloaded ( peeps like GK, Hui Min and Sam). Yeah, still not a lot.
Truly it is very comforting when one realizes that it is not really my own fault for being emotional or that I am not supposed to be so sensitive to things. For the past 3 years , things have happened and so many changes in my life such that I eventually broke down like mentally and emotionally. I didn't realize that I needed self care and this self care cannot be done by anyone except thy self ( that's why it's called self-care, dummy)
It just make me feel comfortable that I don't have any weird mental disorder or that I am bi-polar or something. And that I am not alone in this world and being a HSP, I am being valued in this world. I know that Cat doesn't like the idea of being shoehorned into something like a personality category because everyone is unique and if everyone can be quantifiable then what's the value in them. To me, on the contrary, I believe that these categorizations help one to better understand themselves and provide an explanation to themselves. From there, it is how one makes use of the strengths and understands their weakness so to carry on living and being of value to the world.
Some of my arguments and mood change was due to some strong words that Cat uses and expresses herself. Me, being always running away from conflicts, hated it. I understand that not all conflict is bad and there are times I can handle conflict but if at that point of time, I am already triggered then I will just be in a bad mood. Sometimes very direct words are used and I will be hugely impacted by it and sometimes I will be affected for days. I remember things for years if some instances are deeply impressionable on my consciousness. Phrases that are usually thrown at me by people around me are like
" You should be less emotional"
"Just let it go"
"You cannot handle pressure"
"You are too slow and take too long to decide"
"Why do you cry so easily? Boys don't cry"
These phrases irked me and the worst thing is that following these phrases, I noticed the facial expression, the tonality of the voice and the way the eyes looked. And I immediately felt a very strong level of emotions such as Disgust, Irritation, Unhappiness and Nonchalance. Followed by a huge amount of Guilt and Anger why people do not understand me. Eventually, it became an infinite loop until I took the time off to think it all through before I could let it go. Most of the time, I did not have the time nor did I set aside for myself to do it. What started from a small paper ball led to a huge rock and eventually I cannot handle it anymore.
I think not all the traits apply to me but I would say 80% of it does and a lot of things I had experienced or actions I did kinda made sense now. I still have other things to clear out in my mental list of things I want to tackle but I am glad that I chance upon this ( or was it Google algo being stalkerish again 🤔).
In anycase, I will be posting more posts on HSPs and hopefully I can clear out a lot of my mental backlogs and maybe help other HSPs if I ever bump into them because in this world, the majority not necessarily will understand the minority. And for HSPs, it is so easy to get overrun by the emotions and then once it crosses that particular threshold, there may be no turning back for them.
Leaving the videos for whoever is interested. Probably not many will read this anyways. So it will be more for my reference in the future.
It feels like been quite some time since I last post a birthday post on this blog. But , well going forward I will probably spend a lot of time on this blog because of the more time I have on my hands now. So, good news for Sam if you are reading this ! haha PS: When you mention you still got read, I was quite surprised and happy.
This is my current view while I am waiting for Cat to end work as EY and Citco Office is near the Opera House. If you had catch the words above, you will probably guess that I had left my job at Citco. It has been kind of a mixed bag for me during my stint with the company. I loved the people and management at the company but the learning curve and some of the clients were tough. Will missed the guys at work but I think the more scary thing is the fact that I will be for the first time ever. Unemployed. Is this the right move? I don't know. Is it scary ? yeah it is. After a decade of working , 8 to 10 hours of your daily routine is entrenched in work. All of a sudden, these hours are return back to you, what does one do with them ? Will I be able to get back into the workforce ? Lots of thoughts flow through my mind.
I remember the last day at BNP. It was also somewhat similar, my last few conversations were with the person replacing me, me letting them know that they will be ok and saying my goodbyes to the team. Also, thinking whether did I made the right decision ? Some say I will miss BNP because of the lack of politics. Some say go out and come back so to command a higher pay. In the end, the lack of progression got to me and a lot of colleagues I used to work with plus the fact that the company moved ops to India just convinced me to leave.
Joining Citco, I had zero expectations, I knew that I won't stay longer than 2 years here because I just want to get out of the shithole that BNP had start to dig themselves into. Little did I expect my first 3 months taking on Investor Relations with the funds that I was allocated to be a bit complicated with clients who are slightly more demanding. Coupled with my obvious lack of Fund Administration, it is tough and eventually lead to a lot of OT and basically trying to change my mindset 180 degrees. It caused quite a bit of tension between me and Cat because of the OT and my character of trying to complete everything before I logged off. So it hasn't been a happy time working from home. After a year, things have improved a bit but still not too happy. Popo passing also impacted me quite a bit, I became easily depressed and not able to control my emotions. I started to break down often and Cat isn't really quite the most empathetic person , so it starts to just eat me up.
My bosses and managers all keep telling me that I am doing well but I felt that I was not and that I keep thinking What's the future being in Investor Relations ? What does being in this role value add? Will it be sunset just like ops ?
The team is much younger than I had work with back in BNP and being a much smaller organisation, a lot of the red tape was not there and the management encourage open discussion. There was not like an age hierarchy and it's good that they are willing to teach and I was willing to learn. So it opened up my horizon about working outside of a big corporation and away from all the niceties email that one must adhere to in a bank. Of course the downsides are there are no guides around here and you have to start asking random people from other departments, eating humble pie and just hope that what they teach you is correct.
It's a huge change from BNP but it was a good one. It was a good experience that I had not envisioned it to be.
So compared to BNP, why I had to leave Citco, it's because for some reason having this job in my life is not really working out for me. I don't really know why also , but it's just not helping that's all. Wrong timing? Wrong Job? or maybe it's because I WFH too much with Cat? maybe it's just an accumulation of things ? lack of time for myself?
Looking back , leaving BNP was right, I was getting depressed n just daily pissed off. In Citco, I was not happy and it affected me and Cat. I used to think that quitting like its the end of the world. Quitting without a job is like the stupidest thing anyone can do. Some of my colleagues don't understand why I want to quit or rather why I would a reject a job at Citco Sydney Office. Maybe I wasn't thinking right? I don't know...but I felt that if I don't relieve myself from this job, I am just kicking the can down the road and eventually I would never get out of the loop. That scares me and since Cat got this opportunity here in Sydney, it kinda worked out for me I guessed.
One thing leaving BNP definitely taught me is that the world is truly a lot bigger and I should have left to explore it earlier. After all these years, I believe that there's a place and time for everything. It might be I needed to stay in BNP for that long so that I have the experience , the stability to get married and go on to the next stage of adulting. With that experience , it gave me a foundation to explore something new in Citco. It's always a hindsight thing isn't ?
