Seong Hoon's Wedding

Uber long never post things already, I kinda miss blogging a little per say. The ability to sit down and type out something is pretty surreal don't you think? Maybe its the storyteller in me or maybe the beauty of words being on a written surface? ...I don't know..haha

Let me see...it has been 7 months since I last post things already, been to Hong Kong and then to Taiwan as well. Pretty awesome stuff...especially love Taiwan, definitely my ideal place for a quick getaway if one doesn't have the finances to travel to other places. Taiwan is definitely cheap and scenic with her awesome scenery but of course, still susceptible to nature's wrath.

Yesterday, I went to Seong Hoon's wedding. Its quite an honour to be remembered by Seong to invite us because I am quite sure that JC had been quite a fun time for him. Its awesome that he invited us, the secondary classmates. I might be a little sentimental and emotional I guess, but when I see Seong finally married the girl whom caused him so much heartbreak and the extent that he went all out to be with her. Its quite amazing that for all the girls that he was with/might be/ could have, he still chose her. The one from CJC who in a way distracted him so much that he had to stayed back one year to repeat. They did a short animation on how they got together, the crazy thing that Seong did to be with her in Australia. In any case, I guess all these change Seong a lot and into the man he is today, and listening to the rest, so did they in a way or another. When we were about to leave and all, I just felt compelled to give him a big hug and congratulate him on his marriage. Though I wasn't his best friend nor someone that had gave him awesome memories and we kinda drift apart during JC, but I think for all of them like Seong, to me, they are quite dear to me in a way.

Its already been a decade, though I think we are not like super best friends and all... but there is something of like a bond whenever we are reunited. The common thing that we all had back in those years where we were just kids. And now, we are reaching a stage where some are getting married. Some are moving to other countries, one had decided to join the religious order and be a brother.

In the end, its really not which school that we all goes to, its the classmates, the people who spend most of the time in the same room for half the day. St Gabriel's was never a good school to begin with,somehow most of us who are there are because of the affiliation status or location wise, but I think for me, I wouldn't change this group of classmates for any famous school out there.

10 months and counting down

After 10 months in BNP, time truly flies once you start work. I always remember the years when Sam just started work, and I always will bemoan about she not spending enough time with me. Imagine me who is not as into or should I say , busy with work, already finds that time flies, what more she at that point of time? Furthermore, she is a such a relentless person as well. Throughout these 10 months, the initial stages were not so smooth sailing with fighting a difference in expectations and reality, as well as being trapped in a world of negativity because of a colleague who has a somewhat warp view between reality and delusional world. After spending this much time with that colleague, I was also nonetheless poisoned and I began to see things in a bad light as well. 

I guess true to the saying, the world is how you think it is, its truly a mirror of your own thoughts. There are many ways to see the world. You just have to choose which image you want to picture yourself with. You also began to try to thread lines carefully with people you work with and people who you can be friends with . There will always be some whom you feel that you have a kind of a comfortable feelings and some that you just cannot gel with. It doesn't mean that those you can't gel with are bad people, it may be just your personal bias or feel, not every human being on this world means you have to be close with all of them.

Well I am still not entirely sure where I want to head. And I am getting quite comfy with things over here and am still learning stuff. But, there is still this voice in me saying things like" See the world! Experience different companies. Spread your wings. Fly" I hope not to lose this voice any time sooner. And I feel, its time to take things to the next level and start to really rebuild my CV and have a lookout of things. At the same time, try to gain as much experience here. There is still quite some bit to learn, but like I said in many entries earlier, its not a place for long term here.  

Survival

Earlier in the night, I was catching "Getting Out Alive" on Discovery Channel, its a reality show where teams strive to survive Bear Grylls Style out in the wild and the ultimate winner will be awarded Half a million USD. So, I was watching the finale of it, the editing does not do much justice to the contestants as clearly they undergo tremendous stress and fear as well as whatever nature throws at them. The last leg of the show was pretty heart-warming as you can see the teams eventually helped each other as they grown to trust and respect each other during the 5 months though they are essentially competitors per say. When they finally reached the ending point, you can see the waves of emotion over their faces.

And then suddenly, my short stint outfield at Tekong, came flooding back to me. Even though its only 3 months, but the 3 months made quite a long impression on me. Though my Unit days were where bonds and friendships were forged, but BMT was where it had made the most life changing experience to me in my honest opinion. I can still remember how scared I was during the haunted thursday episode, the cold rain and commando mosquitos which are utterly relentless, the back-breaking route marches, the humiliation we were subjected to and the horrendous cold the weather threw at us. I can assure you, when I reached back camp, my mind was a total mess, running down naked along the corridors to the toilet to shower was still one of the most craziest thing I ever did in my life. My SIT(situational) test was another one that made an impact on me. It kinda bring out the leader in me especially the last mission, when my IC was down and in the end, only left me as the 2IC, and for some reason or another, I started to be more outspoken and rally my team mates around me to carry on the mission and surprisingly, people answered my rallies and we held on. In the end, I also manage to get them into giving cheers to our evaluators. Its just one of those things that I can't really explain as I am hardly a leader before in all my life.

All these experiences helped me to believe in myself more, whenever the chips are down, for some reason, I will turn back to my outfield days and tell myself that I didn't die there, I didn't quit( not that I had a choice anyways), I will not allow myself to give up now.

Similarly, I currently feel something of a fighting spirit in me stirring up. I remembered telling Cat that when I read Sam's Blog, especially her last entry, the one where she as facing problems at Credit Agricole. She told herself that she wants to be the best Credit Agricole Treasury Officer. She have to reach a point where she will want to try very hard to obtain many things. Currently, I am having the same feeling as well. I am not trying to aim to be the best inputter or anything but I want to at the very least say that after 1 year here, I am able to say that I understand and know most things. If possible, I will want to create systems to improve the efficiency in things there. I have created my own spreadsheets and fine tune it to suit the various situations and all. Of course, it is not fully able to tank anything under the sun, but it definitely made a lot of things way way much easier and faster. I know I will have to leave this place, I want to go somewhere else. The world is so big and I don't want to be kept here for too long. It kinda feels stifling if you ask me. The environment is not bad, but its so stagnant that I feel that its not healthy.

Problem now I am facing is that I have no idea where I want to move towards. Was thinking of taking CMFAS, but I felt that its just regulatory only unlike CFA which are more broad and more recognized overseas. I don't know whether I will stay in Ops a not, hence I did not volunteer to take IOC which my company provides. Felt that if I am not really interested in Ops, den might as well don't waste brain cells and time on it.

I guess I have to tell myself to keep achieving all the small steps first, like ensuring my goals are all attainable first. First up, will be my weight issue. Next up, will be my Resume, I will have to constantly spend some time to improve and think of ways to beef up my CV and read more. Where all these will lead me, I have no idea. But, this beats better den wasting time watching shows and all.

First Post of 2014

I think these days I have been blogging less these days, so it means I have less emo stuffs right?...haha...Its a good sign. LOL...Just that I guess time flies and with work, you don't really find the time to seat down and think retrospectively. Unlike the time back in university, or rather, studying time, which had a lot of time. These days, time is precious. However, I still want to meet up with friends and have a good long chat with some of them, especially those that I can open my heart to and those I can be of help in their lives. I am fortunate to have a wonderful girlfriend in Cat and that every week I will still want to meet with her and really enjoy being in her company.

I guess life...or rather once we all start work, things change, how we see things changed. Its like...hmm...akin to changing a different specs, from the freakin poser of adidas sunglass to poser wannabe aviators to transition lens kind. Its like things that were not so important to me in the past, eventually became of some importance. Things that I used to take for granted, now I treasure it a whole lot more. For example, going to my grandma hse for dinner, a simple walk around the neighbourhood, just having a dinner with Cat, just being at home with the family...its when these simple things that matter to me more than ever in life.

These days, I am more used to work now. I think I managed to past thru the initial stages where I guess everyone goes thru after the Uni stages. I am becoming used to the workload and if there is OT, I am quite open to it. One thing I think I can take away positively, is that Cat also got OT to do. So, we both understand each other pain and tiredness, yet at the same time, we really appreciate the time that we have. No matter what, we will make time for each other at least once in a week. That's our commitment to each other. At work, I am developing an Excel spreadsheet which can help to save a lot of time and in a way, forecast the incoming broker confirmations so that one don't have to wait a certain time to calculate things, I guess I left just one small part to conquer, if I can fixed that den this spreadsheet will be pretty gay already. Of course, there are much more things to learn and all, but I can see that the finish line can be seen, and that I guess in a year's time, I will leave this place. This is a timeline I set myself, regardless of what,  I have to leave this place. Be it seeking greener pastures or a new environment, but of course, the pay have to be higher than what I am earning now.

And doing so many OT, make me really thankful that if I can leave office at 7 is a good thing. I remember at IRAS if one stays after 6, people tends to be gloomy and hate it. And, truth be told, I really cannot complain cuz other banks had it worse. I am still in a way uncertain about my career path, but I believe that there will be a day where I will discover the path. There is always a time where I will just know, maybe now its not the time. I hope that everyday, at the very least, I feel that I have done something that I can think back and say" yeah...this is a day that so far, its awesome". Be it exercising, work or mainlining human relationships.

Dear, Thank You for being in my life=)

Never really knew that one can miss someone so much that all you ever want is to see that someone just for a few hours, and I will be contented. I guess the cat is out of the bag...er...no pun intended here..haha

These days anything with Cat in it, makes it seems like a pun or something. She is so gonna be smiling right now if she sees this. I seem to keep re-discovering this girl every date that we hang out, keep falling in love with this person again and again. I find that sometimes I am quite lucky to be with her and she also says the other way round...haha..aww.. 

Like just now, I think she pointed out something to me that she was not happy about something. And if she didn't point it out, I wouldn't have notice at all. Its kinda like my bad habit I guess...its like when the bullfrog sings and he gets so immersed with his voice that he ignores his mate who is beside him nudging him. So, its nice when there is a feedback loop and that she don't leave things to fester and manifest into something that is contagious and bad. Its really something that I am looking out for in a relationship, communication where 2 people can communicate and you know, be really connected without being afraid of each other. To me, it's really important such communication is important. And that's something that I hope I won't take for granted. But I know, if I might, she will remind me once its become apparent to her...haha

I guess being in a r/s, its all about complementing each other and helping each other grow. With her, I feel that I am slowly moving towards something that I had always knew I wanted but for some reason or not, it has always remain a thought/an ideal but I am beginning to take small steps towards it and I learn how to let go of certain things and to be kinder to myself. And I hope I am able to influence in some ways, on how to enjoy life as a process and not as a means to a goal. 

Being a lover is one thing, but being a partner is another. And I am beginning to see more sides in her that I never got a chance in the past. Of course, she has her quirks, her quick temper and stuff. I am more slow to anger unless its something that I feel like it touches on my principles. No one is entirely perfect, when you like someone, you have to like everything, like the bad and good. In a way, its quite a challenge and I am a little interested to see how I would react if things really heats up. But, I guess and hope that before shots are fired we are able to seat down and have a talk before things get out of hand. I think as long as comms is good, there is nothing that we can't overcome. 

  Seems like I m the younger one in most pics..haha

One of my fav pic of her

my most amusing pic of her 

This might be getting said too often, oks maybe not...but I feel that such things have to be said every now and then, and not wait till there is no chance to. 

So, dear, thank you for coming into my life and inner circle and brightening up my world and teaching me new things in life. Even though, it seems that most of the time I am the one teaching you instead...haha..I am not stoking up my ego here!!!...haha=P

About Time, Moments and the small things in Life

Today went to watch the movie About Time with Cat, its been highly rated by most of my friends, hence wanted to watch it. Also, its a a romantic comedy so think Cat won't be too bored by it. Its a typical British Rom com , with their witty comments and how British english is used. And like all its predecessor, " LOVE ACTUALLY", its the same producer btw, the camera shots have plenty of the wonderful British Scenery.

In my opinion, its not really so much of a romantic comedy, but of a father son love, the ability to go back in time and change, would you have done it any differently? It also shows that sometimes going back in time, will not change anything.

And like the part where the male lead wanted to change his sister's life so that she will lead a more fulfilling life had she not met the jerk. Only to realise that by doing that, his life will also be altered in a way or another, there is no ideal situation, one have to give in order to receive. And that we can never interfere with another's life, eventually, that person has to change his/her self.

I think the entire movie main moral is " Either this or that, something have to be sacrificed for something else to be given" and a lighter moral is that " Life is given to you in such a manner, whether its good or bad, its up to you"

I guess the movie is not as well developed like Love Actually, and that there were a lot of parts which were left too unattended, as there could be more development there. I think for me, something that struck me a bit deep, is to really live each day as if the next day will never come. And appreciating the small things in life.

Its all the small acts that really touched me, her eyes when she looks at me always make me melt a little, her lying on my shoulder when she is tired and...this is going to stoke up her ego, even her light slap at my tummy ...also make me laugh. So, its really all these small little things that goes a long way. These things that make me want to put her needs first before mine and that to protect her as best as I could possibly can.

My wall is crumbling

As the date keeps getting nearer, my confidence is slowly being eaten away. I am scared. I can feel it, the fear, the intense pressure, the uncertainty, the feeling that I am not going to make it. The fighter in me tells me that not all is lost, that there is still time. However, the rational side is saying that time is not on my side, and that there is simply too much to study and prepare for. I cannot seem to concentrate, my mind is filled with thoughts of giving up, thoughts of just try again another year. However, the moment that I feel like giving up, I got this sick feeling that creeps out, the sick feeling that" why am I such a noob?" , "Why did I give up?". Its quite irritating, fear is such a powerful force.

It is eking away whatever time I had left. I hate this feeling. This feeling of helplessness. I need to focus, I know that. Whether I can find that driving force or not, I am not sure. Maybe I just need to sleep, so to sleep away all these stupid fears and negative emotions.