Changes. Adulting

I remember that previously I did have an entry on leadership. So yesterday, I was telling Cat about the Saturday event at Yan Cong place and I guess she was a bit stressed like about the wedding and what are the plans and schedule like. She was afraid of people asking her and she felt that it’s too stressful because I guess it’s like she feel that they judge her to a certain extent? Especially the ladies. My initial emotion was that of why she makes it sounds like so stressful and just be transparent about it. After which she was stressed by the bridesmaids request about the dresses and so she was going on about why she don’t like weddings and all. Technically, I don’t mind not having a wedding either but I concur with Wei Ren that wedding end of the day is like a form of respect to both families especially the elders. To not take them into account to me it’s kind of selfish as the younger generation. Of course, not to the extent that is life-threatening or financial-crippling kind of damage to us.

It kind of set the tone that in the future, with kids or not, I have to step up and make some calls and decisions in what I would term as day to day decisions. In the past or even now, staying at home with parents, it is very easy to overlook and take for granted certain things in life now. Like house work, house maintenance, ensuring that your spouse is happy and healthy, how to allocate enough time for extended families. Also, one has to take responsibility for your spouse reactions and actions. In the future, whatever decision was made on the kid will have a long lasting impact either on the kids’ lives or even on me and my spouse life.

Coupled with all of that, you yourself are still growing and learning as you age. Trying to figure out the future and how you want to live your life. Managing and balancing different parties and to get every parties involved to be on the same page, it’s definitely tough. It’s like how does one manage the executive committee at a company with the likes of the CEO, CIO, CFO and etc.

Career has definitely been put on a foothold currently while I am going thru this wedding and house renovation process. Also, bringing 2 different lifestyles and finances together, is going to take some time and clashes. It also feels like I have to take care of the wedding as well and need to plan on things and also to coordinate the various groups of people. It does seems and feel overwhelming but I know that Cat don’t exactly like these things and we could probably get a wedding stylist or someone to help. However, I don’t think it’s worth the money though.

I definitely need to find more time to do such things and at the same time balance the future dreams of mine as well. Slowly I need to change the way I do things and the time, effort, content and thoughts that I invest in myself. It's a brand new world.

The Frailties of the Human Society

As the news of Hong Kong persistent demise into anarchy, it just shows how easily humans can slip into chaos and lawless-ness. This is a good example how easily a society which has long pride themselves on safety and order can so easily slide into weekly affairs of violence and chaos. Here in Singapore, we also have to be mindful of such a possibility and not take whatever peace we have in here for granted. Civic protests are all good and all but once violence have taken a hold and proven effective. Riots and chaos will start to reign. What had started with good meanings has given way to something more violent and incomprehensible. Truly the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

From the looks of it, the government in Hong Kong has lost all power and control in the city. It is natural for the Mainland to assimilate more of Hong Kong back into China, by removing barriers; it causes an open market to sky rocket and is out of reach of middle and low income groups of society. It made housing even more unattainable for the locals; it robs these groups of society of hope and dreams. I believe that this is a classic case of how government’s decision to open up markets can lead to such catastrophes. Basic needs of any society should only be a public good and not treated as a private good. Open market forces have always shown that the invisible hands of the market can bring great returns for the players but yet also a great loss for them as well. In this case, the welfare loss to society is huge and the rich gains the most from this.

Basic needs are like commitments. Commitments are never meant to be taken with a huge amount of risk. One does not simply use their parent’s retirement funds to gamble. It is the same as in this case. Yes. With an open market, in order to provide the best possible housing as it is profit driven, developers will always strive to do better. However, without control, any good which is limited as land in this case, will only result in the majority of society having less access and the welfare loss growing ever so big.

When basic needs are not met, society tends to be unmotivated, a lack of purpose which will eventually leads to a hopeless future. Similarly to an animal driven to a corner with nowhere else to go, what will it do? Even the most docile animal will retaliate and force it way out. Either one tries and survives or it dies. Survival instincts kick in.

Humans are no exception to the rule. Regardless of whatever morals or values that one holds, when faced with a survival situation, there will be many who will throw such concepts out of the window so to ensure their survival. Granted that there are some who will uphold their principles to the very end but how many are able to do that? Will it be the majority that will still uphold their principles? It is possible but it is never a definite.

Did both the HK and Mainland government thought about these when the barriers are lifted? Even without the barriers being lifted, the issue with an open property market is still there and eventually it will still blow up.

Did the authorities try to rectify the problem by improving public housing? Apparently, under pressure from the private sector, the authorities decided to just ignore the problem and resulted in this ticking time bomb.

If ever one day, Singapore has also chosen to go down a similar path with basic needs being privatized and being risked, we too would also fail as society will thins and eventually break. Whatever talk about democracy or freedom of speech or equality will be thrown out of the window and only in favor of whom can provide us the access to basic needs. It has been proven in history as how Hitler came into power and history tends to repeat themselves in some way or another. If ever that day should come, I will not hesitate to look for alternative places as a backup to secure a future for my family.

What is left for the locals in HK now? Regardless whether they can accept it or not, HK will always be part of China. There is no way for the locals to refute or change that fact. If anything, the authorities will have to hold their hands up and admit their mistakes and start to listen and care more for the greater parts of society. And for the mainland government to truly win the hearts and minds of the HK locals, they will do well with starting to solve the lack of basic needs(which is the bulk of the feelings of protestors) and not see these protests as a rejection of their authority.

On Leadership

Leadership. I have always thought that leadership skills are only for 1) People who want to be leaders. 2)
People who are leaders. 3) People who are in management or leadership position. In recent times,
somehow a thought came through my mind ever since I had been listening to motivational
speeches/podcasts.

Take charge of my life.

Ever since both cat and me have announced that we are getting married end of the year and have
embark on the numerous things an engaged couple should do, it has been a whirlwind and decisions
have to be made consistently. In a way, it does take the romance out of the relationship as we need to
decide and budget and all the logical stuffs while thinking of the wedding and preparations.

Ever since the turn of the year, I have been just going with the currents if I were to put it metaphorically.
It’s draining definitely. Then gout happens, colleagues are leaving BNP, economy doesn’t seem to be
well. Such incidents are like rocks you bump into and rolled by while the current brings you downstream.

So why leadership?

A leader is someone that takes charge and be responsible for his team or own actions. Someone who
provides the direction of the ship. The Capitan. The Head Honcho. 2 words stand out here. Takes Charge
and Be Responsible. I think why now leadership is also because due to the many decisions that I had to
make this year and I am responsible for cat’s life decisions too. So I have to lead Cat now unlike in the
past where I can be selfish and avoid or divert these decisions away from myself.

I believe I have all along been someone who is adverse to making and committing to decisions. Well, to
put it harshly, I am always looking for excuses to not make decisions. Especially hard ones. I will just
plain avoid and then let others decide instead. But it became to dawn to me that if its decisions related
to cat and me. No one else will be able to decide for us, and also some decisions may not be aligned
with our interests as well. So to put it bluntly, the reason probably why I had bouts and blogposts over
these 2 years were down to excuses and a lack of leadership on my part.

Courage is part of leadership.

One of the things that I consistently berate myself for is the lack of courage. I am ham chi. Cat and I
kinda know that part already. In some ways, courage is a part of leadership. Courage to take on the
responsibility. Courage to make the call at that given point of time.

Conclusion is that I now have to be improve on my leadership. Change my mindset and work towards to
be a good leader. For cat and for my life. Think in terms of a leader and how to maximize my potential.

Acceptance

Just watched Cars 3 the Movie on Netflix. You know? I don't know about most people but I always believe that movies and some other tv content are there for a reason, for an opportunity to tell a story or a set of moral values or even just for the purpose of scaring people. Whatever the hidden meaning, any content that is put out there and broadcasted to the world are there for a reason, good or bad.

In this movie, I was taught a lesson on Acceptance. In the movie, one can see that our old hero,Lightning Mcqueen have became slower and that there is a new generation of car racers. Initially he was in denial, he couldn't accept that he will no longer be a racer and that he is losing. Somehow, he manage to meet up with a younger car who have dreams of being a racer and later realise that at the end of day, the spirit of racing lives on forever but his body cannot handle it and that it is time to pass on that spirit to the new generation. He accepted the fate and also accepted the truth. He did not stop being a racer, he still loves racing and through coaching, he is still able to be part of racing.

For me, I too hope to leave a part of myself in the next generation, be it my kids or the younger generation at my workplace. However, this is not my time to be a coach yet. I have only been through 6 years of working life although I have lived on this planet for 31 years. In such terms, I am probably still considered to be young and have plenty of energy left in the tank for me.

What I believe I have to accept is the following.

1. My body/health needs to be better maintained.
2. I am where I am because of the choices I made.
3. I am low on confidence.
4. I am not where I should be and I am not sure where too.
5. I always worry how others see me.
6. I am unable to concentrate for a period of time. Easily distracted.
7. I don't always finish what I started. 
8. I am not losing weight enough.
9. I am not patient enough with my Parents.
10. My decisions does not involve only myself anymore and have to include cat more.
11. In recent times, been absorbed in the sneakers/bags geek movement.
12. That I am 31 years of age.

It is very easy to list down the above but yet tough to go ahead and change the above. However it is not impossible. 

Had a heart to heart talk session with myself, I have decided I need to make certain lifestyle changes and also a character reboot. As for the career side, I think I should try out data analytics and see where that will bring me. Those in green I believe are crucial to me and will try to improve on them. 

Hopefully..no...I will start to change and believe once more in human adaptability and the fighting spirit of humans. 

It is what it is.

In a blink of an eye, its another year and this is the first post of the new year 2019. Towards the end of 2018, things had been interesting. I had went for more and more interviews and felt that I am closer to leaving BNP behind. Alas, I am still here at the beginning of another year. Reservist has also passed and we have managed to clear our Etest and gotten a high grade for it. Yays! Though personally, I feel that we are not up to the standards that I think we should be. As compared to the active days, I would say my performance were quite sub-par. But, somehow the entire company passed so there you have it. 

This year is also shaping up to be a busy and life changing year with the wedding and soon to be getting my own house. Its actually quite a step up I have to say, still feel a bit daunting.Who would have thought I was actually looking forward to such a day 4 years ago, I feel a bit nervous about it now.But somehow, ring, wedding venue and bridal package have already been bought and settled already. 

At Edwin place or somewhere, heard him tell Jia Xin something about finding that significant other. To outsiders, he married his JC sweetheart, so it's like love and destiny must have played a huge part of it.  To him, he felt that because this relationship is one that he puts in effort and care maintaining and that Sharon also does the same, that's why it work out. There can be a few people out there that you are compatible with but there will eventually be one that you will want to put in effort and heart into it. And I can relate to that, there had been quite a bit of girls that I felt that I am compatible with and my train of thought were similar to but in the end, I chose Cat and this is the r/s that both of us work hard with and stick with it throughout. Adjusting and getting used to each other. Of course, there were times when the "What If?" creeps into my mind. Just the other day, while Cat and me were at Hyatt. I bumped into Lisian and her Fiance who is quite tall mind you. I didn't really say hi and just wondered whether was he the guy that she was still waiting for since 10 years ago. I remembered that we two hit off pretty well and have some kind of HTHT in the past which makes me change my perception of her. Thinking back, maybe she wasn't so daft as I had initially made her out to be. But it was nice seeing her and she also getting married.

Managed to finish 12 episodes of Sherlock, Benedict Cumberbatch is good and the story telling was great. Though somehow the ending of it does seems a bit off putting, since the hype of it was so much and in the end, the scriptwriter decides to bring about the message of emotions. Its kinda bereft of the logic thinking and plot twists of the earlier episodes and more of a rush end instead. The quote that ended the season was " It is what it is."

I shall leave this here for me to ponder in the future. 

Finding Passion

Recently I chanced upon an article with regards to the mass publication of articles on why Finding Passion is of importance.

The gist was about that finding passion is a waste of time because its what we already know what we enjoy and what we like to do and the reason we still feel lost is not because we didn't know what our passion is, it is because we chose to reject our passion. Be it not practical, not profitable enough or not justifiable by society, these are some of the reasons why we always feel lost. People have been constantly searching and constantly thinks that passion is somewhere else and we need to find it.

I see that Ernest is also seems to be having the same problems although he is earning more and saving more than me. The thing is that he just started working like 4 months in. The money is good but he is also feeling that his life seems to be unfulfilling. His generous pay and even current games are not enough to fulfill his life.

So it seems that for everyone, it is not so much about passion but it is more about of what allows us to feel fulfilled. I think to feel that life is fulfilling also meant that there are various factors/requirements for each individuals as well. But the endgame is that one has to feel fulfilled, to know that his time and effort is made for something that is worth it.

Interestingly, one way to know what makes one feel fulfilled or ie. know his passion is something that one enjoys doing for so many years. Regardless of age, time and whenever one is so lost in the action that time is actually forgotten.

One thought that came through my mind was my interest in Bags. Like really well made bags that are functional and made with durable materials and a good design knowledge that is user-centric. You know, with the notion of user-centric designs, I had initially though that UX was where my 'Passion' lies. I went through the course but I couldn't even finish and end up moving back to investments related stuffs. So maybe I was not actually interested in UX, to create user centric products for people. It feels like I am more interested in curating products that I determined as good user-centric design for people. In addition, it has to products that I am interested in myself. Like tech, bags and etc. If you ask me to recommend wedding packages or brokers for someone, I am not interested enough to go deep into these products.

Another thought is because in recent times, I began to live my life and made my choices more mindfully. Well in a way, is to have "Just Enough" as I felt that in this world, humans have been consumed by excessive consumerism. I don't mind spending more money for a quality as long as it is really needed and will make the consumer happy and most importantly, to really use it. Far too many people buy things and only realise to use it like once or worse,never. I have always been guilty of such behavior as well. I have a few jackets in my wardrobe just because it is cheap at that point of time, so I bought it without much thought. From a monetary point of view, it's fine because its cheap and affordable. But, from an efficient point of view , it is not efficient as space is being used up. Eventually, it will be retired and thrown maybe due to lack of usage. As long as the clothes do not tear or washed until the color runs, it is still good to use and I am still using them, then they deserve to be in my wardrobe. If I don't even wear them within a year, I will have to reconsider their place in my wardrobe. Usually those that remains and yet hardly used, it could be due to their potential usefulness that's why they remain. As much as I try to be a minimalist, I still like choices so I believe that one just needs to be efficient in their clothes choices. Of course, there are some like steve jobs where they take the choices out of everyday living by always wearing the same color. I prefer to have choices so that for different occasions, I can adjust accordingly. But I don't like to have so many clothes lying around and not being worn , so it's just a waste to me. Hence, I also like dual use items. What is more efficient than products that have dual or multiple usage?

That's why for the past 2 years, I was willing to spend quite a bit of time to research, review and think about these kinds of products and in a way, I have curated and bought various items. I maintained a 4 bags rule. A waterproof, A EDC, A small size bag, A briefcase and A travel bag. As for shoes, I try not to ever exceed 10 pairs or have shoes that are truly essential for my lifestyle. I have a new master laptop and finally a well made chromebook that have enough functions to function as a portable windows laptop. I have a pixel phone. Great vacuum water bottle and a Nalgene. Have enough winter clothes for holiday in cold countries. Probably not enough to survive camping out in the wild at sub-zero though. Have enough bags and good pouches, of course, I can always go out and get highly durable pouches for stuffs but not that necessary as some stuffs are not that important to be kept in such durable bags. Maybe I would need some new ties and change out of some dress shirts which are borderline casual, and have more tailored looking dress pants. Otherwise, my gears and tools for my current lifestyle is will curated and in line with my beliefs. Therefore, in recent times, I also not so deep with all the EDC and the top and durable gears around.

I believe that right now, I should focus on my investment skills and my career portfolio. In addition, my meditation and my inner soul skills. Maybe these will lead me somewhere and find that 'passion' or drive in my life.

Guess things in life start with a small step. Time to proceed with clearing and tidying up my room again.

ただいま

Do you believe that there is always 2 sides to every human being? It exists in so many forms as seen below.

1)Conscious and Subconscious

2)External Self and the True Self

3)Ego and the Soul

4)Rational Mind and the Irrational Self

5)Heart and the Brain

Recently while I was on the way sending Cat back home,I guess was like gossipping about this new girl on how she dont speak and had some errors caused in the equities team. So as I was talking about the incidents and while I was alighting the bus. I suddenly had this feeling that I am ready to leave BNP OPs. Its like akin to  when one is dying and says yes I am ready. Morbid, I know.I have nothing else for me here in BNP already, its like I can see myself leaving the place and no more "pain" remains for me.

Throughout my 5 years here, every year I had always whine,complaint and espouse that I want to go to the Front/Middle and to leave OPs. However, there always seems to be something that hold me back, somewhere inside me that says why not stay? It's easy and the welfare is awesome. And then the reasons that pops up to make me want to leave were like money,ambition and the uselessness of my degree. My friends were all so successful in their earnings and position and what about me ? Seeing RPC getting slowly degrading and eaten up by corporate cutting costs measures. Speaking of cut cost, even with the recent cutting measures, it still felt that I was not ready to leave. This time round after Finland, the first 4 days were torturous and I felt for the first time disgust when I am at work.

After meeting Cat last Friday Night, I suddenly felt at peace, like contentment. No more pulling and back, No more negative feelings towards my job, No more pain. Just acceptance. I suddenly see myself handing my resignation letter, thanking everyone and with a smile,departing from BNP and looking forward to my new job. No pain, No negativity. Just peaceful. Its like my 2 selves have merged and accepted each other again. My both selves are in sync again and we decided that it's time to leave. It had been so so long time since I last felt this peaceful, and it's something that's so treasured.

Of course, Straits Trading have not gotten back to me yet. I hoped that Manish and San San hadn't forgot or decided to not hire me already. But regardless of the outcome, I know that I will still leave this job soon. I have always been someone that have felt and follow his gut feelings and now my gut feeling is telling me that I will be leaving soon. I am grateful for this place, truly am, the tears and the learning opportunities and I will say the people. The people are definitely not the scheming kind( well, there wasn't much to scheme about anyways), so yeah it has a good environment here.

These few years I had always felt that I am not present. It's like I left a part of me somewhere and I am never present. Even when I was with Cat, I feel that a part of my soul is somewhere. Wishing that I am earning more money. Wishing that I was able to change job. Wishing that my future house will be awesome. Wishing that I am more capable. Thinking that life was lousy, life was boring. In Finland, I sent a postcard back to singapore and reminded myself to be present. I noticed that's something that I have been missing these few years.

Truly truly, I felt that my opposite self is back. Its like I open the door and with a smile I hug the other self that I had been missing all these years.

ただいま, Eugene.