AHH!!!! let me dig a hole and hide myself!!!

WTF...juz now went with my mum to go and see doc. coz she is not feeling well lor...and so qiao meet her and him...sia lah...stunned dio lor....but other wise ok lor..then of coz was talking with my mum..i tink i spoke rather loudly lor....shit then i ask stupid questions....What the hell am I doing sia...wah kao..I think the headache is getting it to me lor...WTF...freaking paiseh sia......shit man...ahh!!!!!!!!! what is wrong with me sia??!!!!....I think I seriously need to see a psychiatrist coz I cannot control my emotions.............wah kao...freaking paiseh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Nothing except emptiness...

Will I feel this way for the rest of the year?? Where she will never share her problems with me as in the past, hearing her speak to her boyfriend when I am around...

Or maybe I am juz feeling lonly coz every1 seems to be having a life out there, and I am stuck here in my own home. I remember SHE got this song "Only Lonely", yeah that pretty sums up how I feel...Maybe I havent really let go of her, coz I am still feeling like shit and though I am able to be her good friend and all and to a certain extent, her guardian star...haiz but its still not the same. Anw , she already has him so why I bother so much? I dunno...never felt this empty, this hollow before lor...maybe I had already gotten use to giving so much that now I have already emptied all of my feelings and stuff. So in the end, maybe she is right after all, sometimes I can show her my care and concern in another way lor..and dont have to only through BGR bah.

Anw, now the pain is getting lesser lor...anw who knows wad the future will bring lor? Maybe I meet someone much better than her and is worth my care and love or sometimes even more ridiculous...we may end together lor after one whole big circle...lol...then I will really say that fate is making a fool out of us. But its no use hoping for the impossible lor, what has happen has happened and what will eventually come to be , will come lor...

Btw, I am posted to 39 SCE..lol...chem warfare lor lol...men in white and still muz do SOC in that..what the fuck sia...and I thot SOC was over..OMG 2 months of torture sia...hopefully Orion has perpared me enough and somemore IPPT still fail lor...sianz zi bua...haha

Inchigo and Me...

Stranded between both worlds,
Fighting both ourselves and the world's problems.
Our worlds are constantly raining,
by our past.
How can the world juz pass by,
without knowing all that has happen.
Our inability to find the missing link in our lives,
we juz go on protecting our loved ones.


its juz smthg that I thot of on the spot lor..nthg much to it lor=)
Anw, block leave going to end soon liao...will soon go for vocation training. Hopefully, it will be ok lor and everything will move smoothly and that I can get into the preferred course in Uni. lor...lol

confinement!!!!! Which route should I choose??

AHHHHH>>>>very Fan!!!!!!...Juz now wanted to sign up for the NTU courses then suddenly stunned tio...coz dunno what to choose and yet dun want to waste my 5 choices lor...knew my 1st choice liao but dunno the rest lor...wah kao...dunno why suddenly realise that my future is at stake here...haiz hate this type of life decisions lor...always feel stressed up de lor...scared of making mistakes but looking back army also got some decisions which 1 has to make lor if not 1 cannot proceed and if things turn out wrongly, then its one's responsibility lor...but still...very fan lor!!!..

Somemore, due to my sickness and saturday fainting...i kenna confinement lor...by my mum, dun even let me go down lor...wah....sianz sia..i think i will sneak out=P

1st time in my life...I was white out

Today morning went to play bball with the guys as usual, but then again I wasnt feeling that well lor but thot should be ok then...About 1130, I make my way home and was rather tired and exhausted and waited for the best for a freaking long time. Somehow or rather felt that something is bound to happen...in the end it did...

After board 147. I was standing and was already in a state of giddy liao....after tht I felt like my whole body did a somersault and I fell forwards and for 5 secs I couldnt think nor do anything. Then I realised that I had fainted, suddenly someone grab hold of me and heard someone say that I am sick and should let me sit down. I open my eyes..but i couldnt see a thing, except for the strong sunlight thru the window and shapes of people and the bus...and it was totally white and yellow. I sat down and tried to breathe in and out, felt like vomiting and all and after awhile, my vision is back to normal. i stop at home and made my way home...slowly...once reach home , I juz collapsed on the floor and sleep...i think its due to fatigue and exhaustion bah..overwork liao...till now still feeling very weak lor. Dunno why also, all of a sudden like that...maybe should rest for a week lor or so, hopefully its nthg serious bah.

POP loh!!!!

The day is march 13th, woke up felt a bit feverish and was so worried cannot participate in the parade later on lor and lucky the sky was cloudy...the morning we did the final 5bx as a company, and everyone was shouting their lungs out. After breakfast, we all went back to bunk and tidy up our stuffs lor after the previous night 'party'...lol...then we clear our cupboards and packed our stuffs. Then we sat down together and talk for the last time in the bunk. Soon, we dump our bags at the MPH and went back to our bunk and took photos with our commanders. And soon we were off to have our lunch and a last-minute rehearsal before going to TPS. Suddenly, the sky darken and began to pours, we all thot kenna wet weather programme liao and the parade was cancelled. However, to our surprise, the parade was still on lor and seriously, the sky was pouring like there is no tml. Still had to march though, then the IC still somemore can give the wrong commands. Lucky everyone juz follow thru, then the ending, the hentakaki....we screwed up lor coz imran called for berhanti too fast liao...so after mum put on the cap for me and all, followed by the infantry roar...we were officially Privates liao!!!!...haha

So for those who is going in to BMT, whole lot..KNOCK IT DOWN!!!...haha

Mixed Feelings...

NO. 1......24 km march( marks the end of Basic course)

It was tough, it was gruesome...but at the end there was the sense of achievement!!!=D..We were the 1st COY and we set the pace and we OUTCLASS all of them!!!! ORION!!! 24 km...it wasnt as xiong as I always thought, as long as one kept singing, we can survive the march!!!" YOUR LEFT,YOUR LEFT, YOUR LEFT RIGHT!!!ORION!!!!"...the commanders lead us in some songs and we were feeling high too lor....Then, the last 2 km or so, I was pushing and cheering Hamtaro on lor...and was feeling inspirational myself..However, upon reaching back bunk and settling down, realise that Basic phase is ending soon...thought back how we 12 guys survive everything together,to sharing our stories, our 'late-night' missons=P, though we were from different backgrounds and all but unlike the rest, we were together and we play and work together as a section.

Amos--the only winner
Hamzah--'Shag face'
Wei Sheng--Puki
Kim Chuan--KIMI
Samuel-- Lee C.K.( chao keng)
Solomon--Solo.(otherwise GAY)
Guang Xi--DBD ( dare to be different)
Ryan-- PC Ling( desparado)
Don--Cyclops( eye power=p)
Chee Wei-- Orion Loser
Zhen Ming--still zhen ming=D
Eugene--Guardian Angel aka Horny face...=P

LOL....so u can see, those were my section mates lor...haha and not forgetting the commanders as well. Coz w/o their eccentricities and Hellish PT, this past 3 months won't be that enjoyable liao=D So feeling kinda happy that going to POP lor but will seriously missed ORION3!!!


NO. 2...She surprised me...serious sia!!

Juz now, Sam. suddenly juz appeared in front out of nowhere and pass me the NUS brochures...was stunned lor...but really appreciate her actions...then wanted to sent her home and talk to her. But, realise that paul muz sent her home and he was waiting downstairs lor...so I didnt...went past the window, saw them together...I was right...so mixed feelings again lor...both stunned and sad...but I think tht's wads makes life so..erm...jin jin you wei bah, the fusions of various feelings juz like the flavours together and sometimes it may taste horrible but on the other hand, one may find something TASTY too=D

Its a cold and raining world...

so cold....so cold,

the rain pitter patters on the flowers,

Roses, Morning Glory, Lilles and many more.

Represents the wonderful array of colours,

but in this world,

where are my yellows,reds, whites...

Where have they all gone?

Only 2 colours remains, one is white..

the other is...

black.

So cold....so cold...this world is...

when oh when will the Sun ever rise again...

will it ever?...

Not the results I wanted...

Not the results I wanted...

1St Test~~~~~~stunned,shocked,why no A??,now what?,OMG...

So after studying for 2 years in CJC, going through all the tuitions and all..final results...CCB and C6...damn...sucky results lor...can go to Uni. but limited choices only leh...went back to CJC last friday. Bro. Paul was saying that he was happy becoz it was the best result he has received in the past 5 to 10 years and the number of distinctions have gone up as well as 15 subjects all achieved above national average for passes. All this atmosphere made me felt that maybe I really got a chance to get good grades after all...after like 30 minutes of all this kind of reports, we were finally able to get our results. One by one, my classmates went to collect their results...one broke down, another on the verge of breaking down...soon it was my turn, I looked into my teachers' eyes( no reaction)...saw the results..cannot believe it...serious sia...but somehow or rather, never react as strongly as I would if 2 years back...maybe numb to getting exam results liao or maybe after 2 months in army, mentality changed...so next reaction was like...." Ms Soong, wad course can I take in Uni.?? Biz still can make it a not??" At 1st was like cannot really accept my results but after seeing the rest also, I feel maybe I should be thankful lor...some of my frenz got CEE, EEO, BDC, DDD....such funny results lor. Nonetheless, Sam. also got the same results lor...lol...so ciao...muz be she influenced me thats why I also got the same score as her......haha

2nd Test~~~~~~I lost, Why?, Did I do smthg wrong?,world is crumbling down

The day was 26th feb., it was the day when we rec. got our grenade throw. I still rmbr goggles asking us " who juz recently broken up?"...if she had called a bit earlier, I think I might have threw the safety pin instead...haha...we chat for an hour. The results are out. I lost. As simple as that. Come to think of it, one of the reason I held out for so long was that i still held on to the memories shared before D-day last year, I thot that since after D-day, I can still treat her as a close fren and she could also do the same. Apparently, she cannot. Though I still treat her as a fren...ok...++ extra more care and concern, she cannot be herself and feels restricted when she is with me...maybe if she had juz relax and let things work out, things might not end so much painful or may even end up differently. Maybe its also my fault of letting her know how much pain I was going through which gave her so much stress. Of course, there are also a lot of other things..but I dont want to go through them again, if not I may think too much again. 2 days later, she msg me that she read my blog and was sorry for everything and that she will wait till I am ready to be able to be comfortable with her again. I read the msg the 1st time, I cried...I dunno whether its for myself, for her or for the entire problem...2nd time, still cried...3rd time...I juz stared but later teared...4th time, I am able to read the entire msg w/o feeling much emotions. Thats when I decided that I am able to face her again, though I definitely need to talk to her. Anw, I also dun want her to wait too long coz I know how painful waiting for someone is, except that her suffering wont be as jia lat as mine lah..but still I dont think I should take too long to answer her coz I do not want to lose this friendship of mine and I cherished this friendship a lot though others beg to differ. So I think here ends a chapter of my life and a start of another...no maybe not so soon...this chapter had made me feel really tired and exhausted and pain...maybe after some time bah...give me time to see what the future holds for me and what I want in life...

Conclusion~~~~

So overall, didnt really fare well for much sia...but somehow after army,after last year, seems to be able to let go certain things though some bad habits still remains like sometimes get so stress over smthg that seems important and stuff like that. Anw, to Sam. , I can assure u now that I can face u the same before I confessed to ya but to be able to meet up with paul and chat with u two ....will quite be different ya so for that u got to give me more time. But other than that, I am allright=D

Shucks...I am beginning to love being a civilian more and more, dun feel like booking in on wednesday...lol..sorry no link...juz suddenly feel this way=P