葉正明

Oks, this might be rather random...but recently due to the discussion of my name among marcus and hui min. I noticed something rather true. Have you guys ever heard that your name actually determines your character? or maybe your life?


As you can read from mine, my chinese name is 正明 which is proof in chinese. Or in another noun, Prove. And I think its rather reflects a lot about my character as a person as well. I discovered that I am someone that is always trying to prove to people that I am that zai...that I am etc etc. Furthermore, when faced with problems/challenges/situations, I don't really admit defeat, I will try to carry on to prove that its doable. But, of course thats before laziness sinks in lah. I don't like it when people in some ways disregard me or treat me as insignificant( could be also due to pride aka ego=P) hence I always try to prove to people that " hey, helloz I am here...yoohoo" actions. 


I wonder how I can use this "prove" attitude so to be able to push myself and achieve things. I want to prove to people, to myself that I can get where I want to be. That, actually its possible. Everytime I think of proving to people, proving to myself there is this burning feeling inside of me that I must go all out, go and do it. I guess instead of forever saying that I should plan or I should think of what to do next or make the best move. I think I should throw caution to the wind and at the same time, to change my way of thinking and re program some of my life protocols. 


At the same time, I feel that I always want to prove to people, even to people that I like, prove that I did this did that...machiam I want them to know that "hey, I have been doing this and that" etc...Maybe I just want to see results, to see the ball bounce back. But, the ball dont bounce in only one direction does it..

"A baby named PRIDE"

I guess for everyone of us, we have a "baby" inside all of us. You know, babies are like the most sensitive creatures ever. When no food, they cry. When no attention, they try to get your attention. When they feel threaten, they cry. At times they throw tantrums. Its like they are scared of everything in the world. It reminds me a lot of FMA: Brotherhood, the anime. Where one of the villian is called PRIDE, and when he is defeated, his true form is a baby. He is just scared of a lot of things and uses his pride and powers as a way to prevent himself from being hurt.

Well, I think it sort of surface for me today. There is this enf officer who I am working with, whom is the kind of straightforward kind of person. Erm..the kind of person that will say " fuck off" in the face and the kind that cant stand people who..well...not up to standard lo. He kinda gives me the kind of feeling where I feel pressurized and when I am pressurized, the "baby" in me surfaces. Where I will try to show that I can keep up with him and that I know my stuff. Its tht kind of being overpowered feeling, such that I became rather fake, and I will say and react in some ways that its damn obvious I don't know anything but I try to act as if I knw. Which well it just worsens the situation lo. 

Well, so I am thinking of how do I go about? Like in the future, there will be many more of such people that I will definitely meet. So, how do I go about not feeling overpowered? Such that I don't get scared and become a baby. Naturally, there are 2 options. One, is to keep building up blocks of defenses so that no overpowering force can penetrate and affect the baby in me. Two will be to try to minimise the baby or destroy the baby in me. Alternatively, will be to combine the 2 options lo.

I dont think I had destroy nor minimise the baby in me, I had plainly increase the defenses ard it for the couple of years. But, there will be days where I will feel small and noob. Also, there will be times where my defenses can get blown away such as in the above case. Maybe I just had to maintain my concentration for a longer period of time and not be afraid of things.

Somehow, in some way, I kinda felt indignant...like as if my pride is dented or something. LOL...its like I hate this feeling of being weak and that I showed it. But like in the anime, I guess this is why in PRIDE the villain, his true form is a baby. One just want to be comfortable and in an ideal world where I am the boss. I think thats what constitutes PRIDE as a sin. When we become so prideful, that if someone out there in some ways "humiliate" us, we will "retaliate". When our pride is dented, we will want to prove that "hey, actually I also know can" that kind of feeling lor. And I think thats pretty automatic in me, when unconciously, I will try to react in a way so to show that I also know as well. And that I am not weak. In other words, I dont want to show that I am weak or noob.

Actually the act of whining, the thoughts of impossibility, the times of being afraid...these are all reactions from the "baby" inside. I guess one of the ways to overcome this baby, is well...just plain confidence. Confidence that one is able to perform at a certain level, confidence that even if in the face of a fall, one is able to stand up again, confidence of a humiliation that one is able to laugh it off and accept that one has his limitations gracefully.

To end it off, I hope that I am able to admit my limitations in the future and not try to be as if I am someone in the know, where in fact, I don't. At the same time, I want to be improve in the levels of concentration. I feel that my concentration span is rather short, thats why sometimes I will zoned out and people get the impression that I am rather blur. Wonder is it like a computer when the CPU runs at 100% and the whole com lags? Similarly, its like when I am under pressure, I am considering so many options and thoughts that I zoned out as a result of it .

Recently,I twitted something life being messy and a bit aimless which is true. Somehow, I just feel like I got quite a couple of things in my mind, and that I don't really have the time and personal space to sort things out. Hopefully, the bintan trip next weekend will do the trip. To have a getaway with my fellow homies lor. On the whole, life had been rather good, I am blessed with wonderful working colleagues. Marcus and hui min , have been very entertaining and funny....everyday just horsing ard and yet we are doing our work. So its kinda fun. Hopefully, we can still work together in august and possibly, still meet up once my stint with enforcement ends.

bits and pieces, here and there

should be going to jb tml, even now I am not sure with not much replies on fb event page, I dont know what are we going to do in jb, but just roam ard lor...see the turnout tml how as well...lol..actually when jon pulled out and yc said that he might nt make it in time...I was kinda sianz lor...its pretty much like say oks oks then dont go liao. I guess a lot of times, not everything will go according to plan bah, but in anycase, maybe if I dont bother about such things, about being pangseh, or maybe about why things arent the same. I guess maybe life will be much easier to live by bah...sometimes I feel that I bother a lot of the little things, well, I dont think its entirely wrong. As I feel that by getting the little things right, will then the whole entire process will work out properly. Its sometimes a lot of people neglect these little things that eventually lead to the whole process failing.

However, I think this mindset cannot be applied to everything just as there is no fixed answer to anything in life. There are different ways de. So I guess society doesnt works in a rather predictable way,  I will just have to reconfigure myself so that...well...at least I can live without being grumpy=P

And who knows things might take a better turn? haha...yeah lor.

Actually  I guess sometimes, interacting with people somehow makes one feel less angsty in someway. Like during work, when I sometimes chat with people, I hear their stories, I listen to their troubles....way from my job hur...but I guess I m pretty thankful for that because in concen, I doubt I can have a chance to listen to such stuff. Hearing people laugh at some stuff that we accidentally do, hearing people who asked how are you, people who are sincere in knowing whats going on and being thankful when you managed to help them. I guess its some sort of makes one's day. But of course there are some idiots but thats just life isn't ?

Had quite a great outing just now with the army guys and the 3 嫂子s...haha...sharon, SC and shu hui...wah all start with S..LOL...pretty good, chatting with the guys abt the past, the present and the possible taiwan trip as well as disturbing benny...lol. And the 3 嫂子s were nice, though I think SC didnt really interect with the other 2. I guess she is more comfortable with benny and us bah..haha. Sharon and shu hui were friendly..haha..though for some reason in the past, I always thot that sharon is rather aggressive...LOL...

Thoughts on coming back.

Well then backed from taiwan...haha. Missed the time of walking around and taking photos without having to be bothered by the realities of life and the strangling tentacles of a 8 to 5 job. One thing that I definitely take back its that my mandarin really sucks. lolz...cant really hold a proper conversation over there. Read some menus also cui ttm...lolz. There is really one period of 60 minutes that I really like during the entire trip. Was when my mum and sis went to have a hair cut and my dad went to have a foot reflexology. I just wandered along the couple of streets on my own, to the back alleys and walk along the couple of streets and buy 50岚 bubble tea which is actly KOI in taiwan. Took a few photos with my android phone, no DSLR wad..haha...then went to the mrt station and sit and just people watch while waiting for my family to finish.

I think its really cool to be able to do such stuffs in a foreign land. Also, majority of the transport that I took were buses and mrts, so its pretty much on the ground. Its really different from the last time I been to taipei, cuz we were just shopping ard and not so much about moving and looking around. We went to jiu fen by train and boy its really awesome, I mean its really a train you know, with rails and all. I took many shots of stations along the way and really reminds me a lot of Japan for some reason.

Went to kao shiung and cycle most of the time, cycling while exploring the city. Its also another kind of experience lor. Very different from those kinds of bus tours and packages. From tours to F&E to back packer exp, I think back packers is really truly interesting notion. If can gather a small number of friends and just trudge through a foreign land, I think its pretty awesome and of course, one must get use to the language as well lah. I dont think I dare to roam ard in a land with a language that I cant even speak or listen.

The few times when with charmaine and walking around, I think its kinda fun, just walking around and taking the mrt and buses. Although mostly its maine that is leading the way, but I feel rather...hmm...close to the ground one might say. I feel that maybe one great thing about travelling is that because one is so preoccupied with the surroundings around himself and the various cultures and mannerisms of the place, so much so that you kinda kick away the restrains of the previous life routines that you once had. And learnt to embrace the current one that one is in.

Maybe its just the change of  the kind of friendship that I am bothered and not so much about the interwoven intricacies of the friendship that is really bothering me. And that may eventually be boiled down to the parties involved on how to maintain the kind of friendship. But knowing thyself, it may be eventually a tussle with my own mind and all. And am I having a certain kind of mold on how friendship should actually be?