"A baby named PRIDE"

I guess for everyone of us, we have a "baby" inside all of us. You know, babies are like the most sensitive creatures ever. When no food, they cry. When no attention, they try to get your attention. When they feel threaten, they cry. At times they throw tantrums. Its like they are scared of everything in the world. It reminds me a lot of FMA: Brotherhood, the anime. Where one of the villian is called PRIDE, and when he is defeated, his true form is a baby. He is just scared of a lot of things and uses his pride and powers as a way to prevent himself from being hurt.

Well, I think it sort of surface for me today. There is this enf officer who I am working with, whom is the kind of straightforward kind of person. Erm..the kind of person that will say " fuck off" in the face and the kind that cant stand people who..well...not up to standard lo. He kinda gives me the kind of feeling where I feel pressurized and when I am pressurized, the "baby" in me surfaces. Where I will try to show that I can keep up with him and that I know my stuff. Its tht kind of being overpowered feeling, such that I became rather fake, and I will say and react in some ways that its damn obvious I don't know anything but I try to act as if I knw. Which well it just worsens the situation lo. 

Well, so I am thinking of how do I go about? Like in the future, there will be many more of such people that I will definitely meet. So, how do I go about not feeling overpowered? Such that I don't get scared and become a baby. Naturally, there are 2 options. One, is to keep building up blocks of defenses so that no overpowering force can penetrate and affect the baby in me. Two will be to try to minimise the baby or destroy the baby in me. Alternatively, will be to combine the 2 options lo.

I dont think I had destroy nor minimise the baby in me, I had plainly increase the defenses ard it for the couple of years. But, there will be days where I will feel small and noob. Also, there will be times where my defenses can get blown away such as in the above case. Maybe I just had to maintain my concentration for a longer period of time and not be afraid of things.

Somehow, in some way, I kinda felt indignant...like as if my pride is dented or something. LOL...its like I hate this feeling of being weak and that I showed it. But like in the anime, I guess this is why in PRIDE the villain, his true form is a baby. One just want to be comfortable and in an ideal world where I am the boss. I think thats what constitutes PRIDE as a sin. When we become so prideful, that if someone out there in some ways "humiliate" us, we will "retaliate". When our pride is dented, we will want to prove that "hey, actually I also know can" that kind of feeling lor. And I think thats pretty automatic in me, when unconciously, I will try to react in a way so to show that I also know as well. And that I am not weak. In other words, I dont want to show that I am weak or noob.

Actually the act of whining, the thoughts of impossibility, the times of being afraid...these are all reactions from the "baby" inside. I guess one of the ways to overcome this baby, is well...just plain confidence. Confidence that one is able to perform at a certain level, confidence that even if in the face of a fall, one is able to stand up again, confidence of a humiliation that one is able to laugh it off and accept that one has his limitations gracefully.

To end it off, I hope that I am able to admit my limitations in the future and not try to be as if I am someone in the know, where in fact, I don't. At the same time, I want to be improve in the levels of concentration. I feel that my concentration span is rather short, thats why sometimes I will zoned out and people get the impression that I am rather blur. Wonder is it like a computer when the CPU runs at 100% and the whole com lags? Similarly, its like when I am under pressure, I am considering so many options and thoughts that I zoned out as a result of it .